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ok this is driving me nuts:the sequel.
DarkSymphony
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
ok, here is the 100% complete rundown, in as short as I can make it with getting my thoughts out.
I was dating this girl I met mid last year, so we dated for a year and a half. When we first started dating, everything was awesome for the relationship. I was in between jobs (and got a new one within a month of us dating) and she didn't have much going on either. We had all the time in the world to see each other and we did. If I wasn't on AIM or on the phone with her, I was with her by herself or with her and her friends. Now, when I got a job and couldn't see her as much, she started getting a little angry but not at me. Just angry because it changed. I had to work ngihts, so this made her even more upset because I wasn't able to be on the phone with her either until I got home at night. At the beginning it was more of a nuissance for her and not much of a problem. Well, as time went on she got more and more angry about it and more demanding that I spend whatever free time I do get, with her. About a year after we'd been together, she started asking if I could just work mornings instead...to which she didn't understand that jobs don't exactly work like that and that you work what you're given unless you make your own hours which I don't. Well, she would often tell me that we aren't going to work out unless I am able to give her what she needs. What she needed was for me to be around more.
Ok...so I work it out and get onto morning shifts, but 1 night shift. Still, wasn't good enough for her. 1 night shift meant she had to worry about that 1 night every week comming around and her not having someone to talk to. Now. she had lots of friends and all, but opted to only really talk to me most often instead. The way my time with her worked was that she would ask me almost every day if I knew what my next weeks schedule was and then when I actually did find out what it was, I was to tell her all my days off. Ok, no big deal I can understand that one. Well, she'd ask me if I wanted to see her on all my days off (which were usually 2-3 at most) and I'd either say yes (which made me completely happy) or no, but I would see her all of them except 1 so I could hang out with my friends too. This made her get pissed and ask me "why wouldn't you want to hang out with me on that day if you theoretically could. You always tell me you wanna spend time with me, so therefore that was a lie because you're turning 1 of those days down".
As time went on, we would argue almost every day. It was always about 1 thing and 1 thing oinly. Me spending more time with her. There would be times where she'd have make tell her I was going to see her 1 week away from the current day, for an all day event. starting from 11am up until 2-3am the next day. If I didn't tell her I was going to spend that much time with her, she'd get upset because I could theoretically do it, so it's a problem if I don't. Well, sometimes work might call me in or something might come up where I'd have to let her know (usually days beforehand) that I couldn't make it until 2-3pm or so, but I could still stay late. She always flipped out to no end about these things, and was actually what caused her to break up with me. She felt I wasn't respecting her needs and not respecting the time we needed together as a couple. She had this huge HUGE thing with needing people to always be on time for everything, so she set up times for everything, most importantly for me being at her regardless of any reason otherwise.
So, she broke up with me. What happened was we both agreed I'd be at her house for 11am one day. Something came up that was pretty necessary to take care of. I let her know (2 days in advance) that I was not going to be around until 2-3pm or so at the latest. She got pissed and told me that there's no excuse for me to be late. Well, I still ended up being late, she got pissed and yelled at me for about a half hour and I couldn't stand it anymore. I walked out and went home. She ended it right there on my way out.
After that, she tells me (the day after) that she did it in anger, didn't think it through...etc. But that she doesn't want to get back together. She wants to talk things over and try again some other time. So she tells me she still has all these feelings for me and is affraid I'll find someone new...etc. so, over the next few days she gets more and more secure with her decision and decides against all those things she had told me a couple days before. We talk enough to keep a friendship going, but she wants us to be the best of friends and such, and that she's completely fine with it and everything...while I'm still pissed as to how she treated me with some things, and I wasn't quite 100% over it yet. I Agree though and go with it. We've been talking as friends now but it just feels weird. it feels empty. Yeah I don't mind being her friend, but she wants me to go to this christmas party and hang out as friends. But I kinda dread it. She's gotten to the point where it seems she doesn't really care if I'm around or anything anymore, but in a bad way. Not in the way that I wanted. In the way that I'm of no interest to her.
What's troubling me is that in all honesty....I miss being with her. When I was doing all the things she wanted, things were awesome with us. Her and I had so much more going for us in terms of what we both liked, didn't like, what we joked about with each other...just all the things we had in common and how close we felt to each other. Her negative side sucked severe ass, but her positive side was the best positive side I'd been with with a girl. It was a 50/50 thing, so it's making it that much harder for me to get over it. She keeps wanting to just be friends, but she told me she wants to try again later. Then she told me she doesn't see it happening, but she still wants to. Then she said she does see it happening if I am able to be more reliable. Then she told me of these other guys she likes....it's just
driving me nuts.,
She told me the day after how selfish she realized she had been and that she needed to stop being controlling. So this tells me she realizes the things that needed to be changed, but she told me that before when we were together and it never changed. She always made herself out to be the victim. I never could win with her over anything, no matter what it was or how obvious it was that I was in the right. She was always the victim. If she was being a control freak over a specific event or thing that dealt with us...if I brought it up to her, then I was in the wrong because I was being a dick for bringing it up and not ignoring it. She once told me "if you think I'm being a bitch or being controlling, keep it to yourself I do not want to hear it".
so I'm having tons of trouble. She wants to be the best of buddies. I don't mind and I think that'd be fine, but she doesn't realize at all what the real problem is. I treated her so well while we were together, brought her out to dinners and payed for movies (actually I had to pay for everything. I was the only one with a job). I did as much as I could, but she kept demanding more and telling me I was lazy or a jerk for not giving it to her. She doesn't realize that she actually had it really well with me. I never cheated on her (never even considered it. the throught never crossed my mind), I never did anything to wrong her as a boyfriend. I just couldn't give her all the time in the world. Now that we aren't together though, she's spending plenty of time with her friends and filling up her time well. The thing I don't get is....why couldn't she do that while we were together? Spend a couple days with me, then a couple days with them. She never did and I never understood why. It woulda taken pressure off of me to be sure.
so, the short end of it is that I'm not over her, I want to be with her still and I'm upset she made the decision to break up when in all reality, we were awesome together. She just couldn't see beyond her constant need of time. I wanted all her to just see what it was she was doing and to keep being that awesome girlfriend, except not driving me up the wall. She's basically made me feel like she's completely over me, only wants me as a friend and lost interest in me, but tells me she wants to try again later on. I'm sick of dealing with this in all honesty. I hate ambiguity in some things, and this is one of them.
Let's say for example, there's a person commiting a crime. They walk in your store, take something and just walk right out. Now, you're kinda pissed and think "wtf?" and ask for the thing back and call the cops. The person who took your item decides to get pissed and declairs that he/she has done nothing wrong and that you are in the wrong for having persued him/her. And now, when the cops come, the thief describes that taking the item was in their right as a person to do so. The cops agree and turn the attention to you. You are now being targeted for defending what was rightfully yours, and the person who commited the crime gets away with it. They also now feel you are the crazy one.
That's how I feel. I feel I got jipped. I feel like I was treating her very well and bending alot to make her happy in alot of ways. I feel that, as a normal relationship everything would have been perfectly fine. She however, did not feel that way and ended it. She feels she is the victim. I feel like I got the short end of the stick for absolutely no reason at all.
I was dating this girl I met mid last year, so we dated for a year and a half. When we first started dating, everything was awesome for the relationship. I was in between jobs (and got a new one within a month of us dating) and she didn't have much going on either. We had all the time in the world to see each other and we did. If I wasn't on AIM or on the phone with her, I was with her by herself or with her and her friends. Now, when I got a job and couldn't see her as much, she started getting a little angry but not at me. Just angry because it changed. I had to work ngihts, so this made her even more upset because I wasn't able to be on the phone with her either until I got home at night. At the beginning it was more of a nuissance for her and not much of a problem. Well, as time went on she got more and more angry about it and more demanding that I spend whatever free time I do get, with her. About a year after we'd been together, she started asking if I could just work mornings instead...to which she didn't understand that jobs don't exactly work like that and that you work what you're given unless you make your own hours which I don't. Well, she would often tell me that we aren't going to work out unless I am able to give her what she needs. What she needed was for me to be around more.
Ok...so I work it out and get onto morning shifts, but 1 night shift. Still, wasn't good enough for her. 1 night shift meant she had to worry about that 1 night every week comming around and her not having someone to talk to. Now. she had lots of friends and all, but opted to only really talk to me most often instead. The way my time with her worked was that she would ask me almost every day if I knew what my next weeks schedule was and then when I actually did find out what it was, I was to tell her all my days off. Ok, no big deal I can understand that one. Well, she'd ask me if I wanted to see her on all my days off (which were usually 2-3 at most) and I'd either say yes (which made me completely happy) or no, but I would see her all of them except 1 so I could hang out with my friends too. This made her get pissed and ask me "why wouldn't you want to hang out with me on that day if you theoretically could. You always tell me you wanna spend time with me, so therefore that was a lie because you're turning 1 of those days down".
As time went on, we would argue almost every day. It was always about 1 thing and 1 thing oinly. Me spending more time with her. There would be times where she'd have make tell her I was going to see her 1 week away from the current day, for an all day event. starting from 11am up until 2-3am the next day. If I didn't tell her I was going to spend that much time with her, she'd get upset because I could theoretically do it, so it's a problem if I don't. Well, sometimes work might call me in or something might come up where I'd have to let her know (usually days beforehand) that I couldn't make it until 2-3pm or so, but I could still stay late. She always flipped out to no end about these things, and was actually what caused her to break up with me. She felt I wasn't respecting her needs and not respecting the time we needed together as a couple. She had this huge HUGE thing with needing people to always be on time for everything, so she set up times for everything, most importantly for me being at her regardless of any reason otherwise.
So, she broke up with me. What happened was we both agreed I'd be at her house for 11am one day. Something came up that was pretty necessary to take care of. I let her know (2 days in advance) that I was not going to be around until 2-3pm or so at the latest. She got pissed and told me that there's no excuse for me to be late. Well, I still ended up being late, she got pissed and yelled at me for about a half hour and I couldn't stand it anymore. I walked out and went home. She ended it right there on my way out.
After that, she tells me (the day after) that she did it in anger, didn't think it through...etc. But that she doesn't want to get back together. She wants to talk things over and try again some other time. So she tells me she still has all these feelings for me and is affraid I'll find someone new...etc. so, over the next few days she gets more and more secure with her decision and decides against all those things she had told me a couple days before. We talk enough to keep a friendship going, but she wants us to be the best of friends and such, and that she's completely fine with it and everything...while I'm still pissed as to how she treated me with some things, and I wasn't quite 100% over it yet. I Agree though and go with it. We've been talking as friends now but it just feels weird. it feels empty. Yeah I don't mind being her friend, but she wants me to go to this christmas party and hang out as friends. But I kinda dread it. She's gotten to the point where it seems she doesn't really care if I'm around or anything anymore, but in a bad way. Not in the way that I wanted. In the way that I'm of no interest to her.
What's troubling me is that in all honesty....I miss being with her. When I was doing all the things she wanted, things were awesome with us. Her and I had so much more going for us in terms of what we both liked, didn't like, what we joked about with each other...just all the things we had in common and how close we felt to each other. Her negative side sucked severe ass, but her positive side was the best positive side I'd been with with a girl. It was a 50/50 thing, so it's making it that much harder for me to get over it. She keeps wanting to just be friends, but she told me she wants to try again later. Then she told me she doesn't see it happening, but she still wants to. Then she said she does see it happening if I am able to be more reliable. Then she told me of these other guys she likes....it's just
driving me nuts.,
She told me the day after how selfish she realized she had been and that she needed to stop being controlling. So this tells me she realizes the things that needed to be changed, but she told me that before when we were together and it never changed. She always made herself out to be the victim. I never could win with her over anything, no matter what it was or how obvious it was that I was in the right. She was always the victim. If she was being a control freak over a specific event or thing that dealt with us...if I brought it up to her, then I was in the wrong because I was being a dick for bringing it up and not ignoring it. She once told me "if you think I'm being a bitch or being controlling, keep it to yourself I do not want to hear it".
so I'm having tons of trouble. She wants to be the best of buddies. I don't mind and I think that'd be fine, but she doesn't realize at all what the real problem is. I treated her so well while we were together, brought her out to dinners and payed for movies (actually I had to pay for everything. I was the only one with a job). I did as much as I could, but she kept demanding more and telling me I was lazy or a jerk for not giving it to her. She doesn't realize that she actually had it really well with me. I never cheated on her (never even considered it. the throught never crossed my mind), I never did anything to wrong her as a boyfriend. I just couldn't give her all the time in the world. Now that we aren't together though, she's spending plenty of time with her friends and filling up her time well. The thing I don't get is....why couldn't she do that while we were together? Spend a couple days with me, then a couple days with them. She never did and I never understood why. It woulda taken pressure off of me to be sure.
so, the short end of it is that I'm not over her, I want to be with her still and I'm upset she made the decision to break up when in all reality, we were awesome together. She just couldn't see beyond her constant need of time. I wanted all her to just see what it was she was doing and to keep being that awesome girlfriend, except not driving me up the wall. She's basically made me feel like she's completely over me, only wants me as a friend and lost interest in me, but tells me she wants to try again later on. I'm sick of dealing with this in all honesty. I hate ambiguity in some things, and this is one of them.
Let's say for example, there's a person commiting a crime. They walk in your store, take something and just walk right out. Now, you're kinda pissed and think "wtf?" and ask for the thing back and call the cops. The person who took your item decides to get pissed and declairs that he/she has done nothing wrong and that you are in the wrong for having persued him/her. And now, when the cops come, the thief describes that taking the item was in their right as a person to do so. The cops agree and turn the attention to you. You are now being targeted for defending what was rightfully yours, and the person who commited the crime gets away with it. They also now feel you are the crazy one.
That's how I feel. I feel I got jipped. I feel like I was treating her very well and bending alot to make her happy in alot of ways. I feel that, as a normal relationship everything would have been perfectly fine. She however, did not feel that way and ended it. She feels she is the victim. I feel like I got the short end of the stick for absolutely no reason at all.
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In all honesty, I think you need to spend some time away from her - you can't be "best buddies" with somebody when you still have feelings for them. Some time apart would do you some good, I think. It will allow you to move on to better things.
Also, its no surprise that she never changed her controlling behavior. I say that because you accommodated her controlling behavior by changing your hours, seeing her every possible second, etc. I had a similar problem when I began dating my now wife. I realized what was going on, and eventually I said to her "I love you, but I also would like to spend time with other people (friends/family) every now and again, and also spend a little time on my hobbies. This doesn't mean I don't love you, but if you love me your not going to put me in this predicament." After some adjusting she got used to idea.
You seem like a real good person that would do anything for anyone. That will be rewarded by someone, I just don't think its gonna be her.
I can completely understand the strong feelings of attachment. To spend so much time with a person like that... it's only natural. There can be something satisfying, almost addictive, about being there to support and help someone you care about. But in this situation, it's horribly lopsided and unfair to you.
In the end, her actions suggest that she really cares more about the things that you do for her and the role you fill, not you as an independent person. So are you really willing to sacrifice anything just to keep this girl satisfied? Or are you really willing to try and 'change' her?
Both of those are terrible ideas, by the way. Just stay away.
and, I have no idea how she maintained all those friendships with people. I seriously don't know. She seriously never spent any time with them up until after she broke it off with me. Maybe she went back to them, said she was sorry and went from there. I dunno.
Well you're right. You did get jipped and have every right to be angry about it. And it appears she wants to keep you as a back up. I'm impressed by your self control as frankly i would've told her to go fuck herself.
Try to limit your contact with her to as little as possible. You mentioned a christmas party she wants you to go to. If you can help it, don't go. Even if you have to organise something yourself find an alternative if possible. It doesn't have to be fancy. For example if you're old enough, just round up the lads and do a bar crawl. If not, just do something as fun and simple.
But as corny as this will sound, time will make all things better. Just do the standard "H/A moving on routine" of work, friends and hobbies. Exercise too if you can fit it in.
It's easy to fall for a woman who is wonderful in rare, beautiful moments. But this woman is going to (and has) driven you up the WALL. I promise you, however, that women exist who are wonderful much more frequently than this woman you're interested in is. It may not seem to even be possible to you at the moment: but the woman you'll want to spend the rest of your life with is a woman who's interested in YOU. Not in dominating you, not in siphoning attention from you (along with any other man she can get her hands on). She'll be interested in sharing her life with you, as long as you do the same.
Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking that this woman is the only one who can be for you. We've all fallen for that fallacy before... but they're out there.
Indeed, this woman *is* trying to keep you as a security backup. It's sad, and horrible (because a human being has no right to treat another human being that way), but I've seen it happen to myself and many friends, in the exact way it has happened to you. They'll toss you aside, and then give you fake apologies when they realize you might not stick around.
Don't fall for it. There's women out there who won't play these games with you. I know that feeling that you're probably getting right now, that "but she's the one for me, I KNOW it" feeling. I've had it before too. Trust me, years later you'll look back at this point in your life and be extremely thankful that you moved on.
Man, compared to the other reactions here, I'm going to sound a bit hyperbolic, but to be honest, you are setting off all sorts of alarm bells for me, because one of my best friends went through something similar several years ago, and what you've described is a borderline (at best) emotionally abusive relationship. There are some classic controlling behaviors listed in there.
You aren't at fault -- what went down is basically exactly what happens in a controlling relationship. Things are awesome.... when you do exactly as she says, but you get punished if you do not follow her demands to the letter. And she makes you feel like it's all your fault, despite the fact that she is clearly, as she's the one making unreasonable demands.
It's a good thing in theory that she says she's realized that she was too demanding of you, but it's quite possible she is claiming that to get you to spend more time with her again.
My advice is stay away from her -- you aren't over her, and you do not want to get caught up with her again because it will fuck you up. But if you aren't going to, at the very least, please do some research on emotional abuse and controlling relationships, particularly traits of abusers and their partners. Be aware of how she was/is controlling you, and if you see her doing it again, gtfo.
Read this.
Why do you want to be in a relationship where you are treated like some sort of domesticated animal?
https://medium.com/@alascii
Get a new GF. Preferably one that isn't a selfish bitch. Once you start dating an actual human being you'll realize that maybe your ex isn't the wonderful person you think she is.
In the meantime. fill your time with distractions. Hang out with your friends. Go to the gym. Read a book by yourself at a library. Just keep yourself busy. Hopefully once you put some distance between yourself and this train-wreck of a relationship you'll regain your sense of perspective.
Love and emotion isn't like a bank account; you don't make withdrawals and have a balance, it's a pool that fills up and drains of its own accord. She sucked yours dry, and now it's slowly filling up again as you believe you can forgive her and accept her. While that validates you as a human being, why do you think she'll be any different? She's the way she is now *because you broke up and aren't dating*.
And if you get back together, what's the end result? Do you plan to keep dating, living in separate locations, forever? Or do you believe that relationships eventually lead toward marriage or other long-term cohabitation? Get some perspective -- she's hot and you made a good couple a fraction of the time, and the rest of the time she was demanding and unreasonable and you hated it. Now that you have your freetime, you want her to fill it up again, but mostly because it's easy.
so, I still have feelings for her and I'm very sure she still has them for me. This will be our first time seeing each other in 2 weeks since we broke up and well, it's going to be weird. But, she was all excited and happy that we were going to be seeing each other as friends. She was all up in arms about it and just real happy that I'm willing to be one of her best friends now.
Maybe she just sucks ass at relationships and is a damn good friend. who knows.
It's your call, but personally I'd give up on the idea of being friends. At least right now. There needs to be a bit more distance before something like that can work out, in my experience.
ok, one time I had a really hectic work week. We only saw each other 3 days (to her, this was aweful). 2 of those days I spent at her house from 9am until 2am the next day. I was there almost 24 hours on both days. The 3rd day which came 2 days later, I went over later on, like 4pm or something and stayed until about midnight because I had work in the morning. Well, this resulted in a few problems. First problem: I got there WAY later than I had the other 2 days. She asked me: if you can show up that early other days, why not today? I had mentioned I was really tired and wanted to sleep in, relax and play some vid games or something for a bit and then head over. This was not cool she flipped out and started yelling, telling me I need to respect what she needs. The second problem: I left WAY earlier than the previous 2 times. Midnight. She asked me: Why are you leaving now, when you theoretically could stay much much later. I'm on break right now and I don't have to be to class. I mentioned that work doesn't work like that, and I only get 1 payed week a year. total. I said that I had to work at 7am, so driving 20 minutes to sleep for 6 hours and leave to work for 8 hours, was going to have to work because that's cutting it slim as it is. This was a problem for her. She was mad because I was now taking away time from her that she felt was due for her. I took away hours for getting there late, therefore it should be made up at the tail end of our visit. When I refused the offer to stay until about 2-3am she asked if we should break up. I asked here where that came from, and then proceeded to talk her into a sense of calm nature and not one of threat. So, leaving later than I initially wanted, I got home 1 hour later than planned and slept.
the thing that really sucks...and I mean REALLY sucks....
by the next time we saw each other after ANY confrontation....she didn't care anymore. She only got mad on that day and then just....slept it off. She'd be screaming and pissing and moaning about all this and that, then the next morning call me up and be all nice and sweet.
She was always extremely concerned with time. if I was not on time to when she told me I should be there, she'd be furious.
While she was angry, I could not solve the issue with rhetoric and discussion, because she'd ignore it and say some really (and I'm NOT kidding here) horrific things that you wouldn't say to an enemy. (she once told me "I deal with the low income you have, so it's ok that you can't always bring me out to dinner). However, this was while she was angry and she did apologize.
When she was calm again in order to discuss the problem, she was now happy and in a better mood. She quickly got over any anger in most situations....this was a bad thing. If I brought up the problem in order to fix it, during a calm phase, she'd get pissed for ruining her good mood by bringing up something unecessary. It is unecessary because she is now calm and not angry. Well, bringing it up now makes her angry again.
This was her extremely (well, accidentally?) clever way of putting ALL blame on me for almost EVERY SINGLE THING WE EVER FOUGHT ABOUT. She's angry? ok, can't talk about the problem because she won't hear it. Ok, she's calm? can't talk about the problem, she's going to get pissed for ruining her good mood.
yes, she would seriously, honestly tell me things like "you know, it's your fault we're arguing again. We were perfectly fine and then you had to just bring it up again for no reason".
A typical day would involve me going over at a time specified by her most of the time (sometimes by me). If I was late, I'd deal with the anger for about an hour or 2, wait for the calm and then I was forced into ignoring that she got mad to begin with. I mean, if I brought it up so we could talk about it, I'd be ruining her day so that she'd just get pissed again and it'd start all over.
No wonder she got away with blaming me for about all of our problems. And honestly, all the problems came from 1 problem: not seeing her enough or spending enough time with her. She wasn't willing to bend and allow me time for myself because it could theoretically be time for her also, and it'd be selfish to take that away from her.
I vote neither based on what I've heard. It sounds to me like she sucks ass at relationships AND friendships, but is damn good at manipulating people's emotions and transferring guilt onto others. Sorry DarkSymphony, but I'm afraid that seems to be the case (unless there's some significant evidence we're missing here).
know what? I'll go with what you said, she probably just sucks at both. I'm willing to be her friend though because in all honesty....she's still a human being with feelings and a heart. She's no more than I am, nor any less. She may be crazy, but everyone deserves a shoulder to cry on and a good friend to hug.
I guess I'll play it by ear and if I can see anything happening (now that I'm not in boyfriend mode), I'll get out.
You're blaming yourself a lot for this. Are you sure you don't WANT the punishment she's giving you? I mean, there's only so much help we can provide.
Listen to yourself:
Followed by:
You're letting yourself get absolutely trampled on. She's taking her selfishness and transferring the guilt she should be feeling onto you. Time is an excuse she's made because she needs you to feel like you're at fault, so that "it'd be selfish to take that away from her" as you put it.
If she's doing all of this innocently, I'd be surprised. DAMN surprised. It sounds like a lot of maddening head games to me. If you're completely set on being with her no matter what, keep with it... because our advice doesn't mean anything at that point. But if you're genuinely trying to figure out what's going on... well, she has some explaining to do at the least. And in honesty, I don't think I'd trust a word of explanation that came out of her mouth if I were in your shoes.
She's proven herself pretty well from the examples you've given to be a skillful and deliberate manipulator. She's interested in your attention, but not in the relationship that usually should go along with that. She's also very good at twisting her own personal faults in such a way that she makes it seem like it's somehow your fault: a point which, it sounds like, she tells you directly. This is a selfish, manipulative woman. It'd be hard to trust what someone with a track record like the aforementioned has to say.
I mean, listen to the things you've said. It's always in respect to her. You're walking on eggshells trying not to offend her furious temper, meanwhile she expects you to immediately stop all of your feelings and needs for her sake. She wants 100% of what she wants, even if that means you'll get 0% of what you want. That's not a relationship, that's utter domination.
The question of the day is, how many other men does she play this game with? I can almost completely assure you that if she's manipulating you for this attention intentionally, you're not the only one she's doing it to. And if she's not doing it to someone else at the moment, it's only a matter of time (and finding another man she can trick) before she starts the juggle. Or just dumps you on your face entirely if the new toy is more amusing than you are. Don't let her string you along. This woman's despicable behavior has made me truly upset.
DarkSymphony, try to remember this most of all. Listen to what you said:
YOU need to be respected too. YOUR needs must be respected too. Otherwise it's not a relationship. I'm not sure what more evidence of her selfish bitchery you need. FUCK THAT. Repeat after me. FUCK. THAT. Now stand up for yourself and don't take her selfish bullshit anymore.
Also...
The reason she stops being mad, and gets mad when you bring up prior arguments, is because if you do then you might be able to bring up evidence of her treating you wrong. The things she's been getting upset with you about have been SELFISH and WRONG. But if you bring up the argument (which exposes those qualities about her), she gets upset. Of COURSE she does, she's selfish. Changing her demeanor the next time you see her helps her to (A) Try and make you forget the way she treated you, and (B) Make you feel like things are okay, when they're really not.
She's a pro, I'll give her that.
If you're hooked on her, no doubt you'll do whatever you want anyways and not listen to our advice. But I hope you'll listen for your own sake. I only see this ending in one of three ways for you at the moment in all honesty.
1) You'll eventually find out she's been seeing other men behind your back (and playing the same games with them). I've seen women like this do this... they're looking for attention, and the more men in their life, the more attention they get.
2) She'll leave you for another man that effectively deals with her bullshit. If she finds a man who she finds attractive, but who is unwilling to put up with being strung along, her desire to have what she can't will pull her away in pursuit of it.
3) She'll string you along ad-infinitum, siphoning your attention (and, most likely, eventually your money as well... if it's not already happening) until she's bored with you, and tosses you out to look for someone else to siphon off of.
3) You'll end up in a long term relationship or even married, and then (1) or (2) will occur.
4) You'll wise up to the con this woman's running, and kick her to the curb.
Anyways, the writing's pretty clear on the wall about this woman unless your stories are exaggerated or untrue. You've got to realize that there's many, many women out there in the world... and not all of them are selfish, manipulative emotional con artists. And one of those much better women can be yours... but only if you're available at the time. Make yourself available.
I admire your compassion, and sympathize with how you feel. But know that it's a hard line to toe. While still being a friend (especially having feelings for her), you'll still be in a prime position for her to manipulate you. If you're going to be her friend, don't let her dominate you. Don't let her dicate when and how you live your life. Don't let her be the sole decider of when you two spend time. And don't let her get upset at you for things that (A) aren't your fault and (B) are things that you needed to be able to do. Don't put up with it.
Remember that even out of a relationship, she can still get EXACTLY what she wants from you (which is your whole, unadulterated attention at the expense of everything else). In fact, that's ideal for her: she doesn't have to give you ANYTHING in return in that situation. So just be careful, okay? I've seen too many like her in my days on earth. They're not worth your time... and in honesty, not even worth your friendship.
Here's how you make her stop.
Next time she yells at you over the phone, tell her to calm down or you're going to hang up on her. When she doesn't shut up, hang up on her. If she calls back to yell, tell her you'll talk to her later when she's calmer. Then hang up again and don't pick up the phone.
If you're at her place and she starts yelling, tell her she's getting upset and you'll talk to her later when she's in a better mood, then get up and leave.
And above all things, do NOT react to her. Do not raise your voice. Don't argue back. If she threatens to never talk to you again I don't want you to even bat an eyelash. You remove yourself from the situation and don't give her someone to argue with.
ok so, the christmas eve party was simply aweful. I was there and I was a wreck over her and I, added to the fact that all her relatives that didn't know much about me, were making alot of rude comments and shit. It was a terrible night. I got really upset and talked to her. Seeing her was just not good.
Then I spent New Years eve with her (this was planned long ago anyways) and overall it was a great night, but it fucking pissed me off. Here I am, having all these feelings for this girl that did nothing but trap me and selfishly demand all my time when we were together.
I hated being with her and I hate not being with her. I'm pissed to hell and have no idea what is right. I can't decide which I hate more, being with her or without her. It's like....
ok we were in my car new years eve just listening to music and laying down in the front seats reclined. She kept telling me she wanted to be really close...not *friends* close, but to be close close. She then said immedtiately after that she didn't want to lead me on and be a bad person. Then she told me if we got back together, it wouldn't work out right now and that being single is what she really wants. I was accepting of this and still am, it just hurts knowing that I still have really strong feelings for her when I really shouldn't at all.
So, do you actually want any advice this time or do you just want people to pat you on the back and tell you how sorry they are?
I love you.
Really man, you're being a little baby. Dump the vampire bitch completely. She's a terrible person. Purge the demon from your life and you'll be the better for it.
Your ex-girlfriend is an emotionally manipulative bitch with a dash of crazy thrown in. Don't try to get back together with her. Don't stay friends with her. Cut off all ties. You deserve better.
Either that or preface the OP with something that lets people know that giving you advice is a waste of time, because you will ignore it in any case.
I haven't talked to her in a good while now, but anytime we saw each other it was a polite passing and nothing more. So, tonight she instant messaged me for the first time in a while. We had a generic conversation and all of a sudden, she lost it....
she started assaulting me about who I am, my life, my goals and basically saying stuff you wouldn't say to your worst enemy. If you want specifics, one of things she said was
"it's easy to be mean to you. It sometimes makes me feel better" and "have a great rest of your short life" and "I broke up with you, so I don't really care if you're in my life or not" which, that last one wasn't a big deal.
One last one is that she said "I don't have anyone else right now to emotionally assault, so you happen to be getting it right now".
The point is, she lost it and completely assaulted me.
I want to know what it is I'm feeling right now, I can't figure it out. I feel terrible, I feel like complete shit. My day was going perfectly fine until she logged on and did that for no reason at all. Ever since I took the advice in this thread to finally just, leave her be and move on, I've been feeling much better. I haven't thought of her at all lately and if I did it was because I saw her as a customer where I work. The thing is, now that she logged on and did this, I feel like complete shit and I don't understand why. I feel like I don't need or want her anymore, but why am I feeling this way now? shouldn't I have been able to just ignore it and be on my way? But what's happening is I feel like she's this impenetrable wall of un-emotion and I feel like she's able to get away with anything she wants. Like, she can just get away with treating people like this because if it's no loss to her, then she isn't losing anything at all.
she's been telling me how depressed she is, how she doesn't want to wake up tommorow or any other day. How she's so unmotivated that she doesn't even want to kill herself, she wants someone else to do it for her. She's told me this all tonight (with me simply not responding unless I felt the need to) and then completely assaulted me.
honestly, I want something terrible to happen to her in regards to how people treat her, so she can see how she treats others.
I told her to never speak to me again.
Don't even waste your time hoping terrible things will happen to her just ignore her and move on, if she wants to act like a 6 year old over the situation that's her problem not yours.
Satans..... hints.....
You know what's going to happen if you keep communicating with her. And yet you do it anyway. It's not like you can't ignore her. It's not like she's tying you down to a chair and forcing you to listen. The truth is you're continuing the communication with her because some part of you is rationalizing that the situation will change. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But why are you shocked when it doesn't?
Basically it went down as she IMed me and asked me why I was ignoring her IM's. apparently she IMed me today while I was at work and yesterday when my friends were plugging ITG2 up to my high def TV and playing with my cobalt flux. Well, I didn't ignore her IM's I just didn't know I had any, so I told her that. She told me she wanted to talk, but that it seemed I don't want to. Then after talking kinda generically for a little bit, she then decided to tell me she doesn't give a shit if I'm in her life or not, that it's easy being mean to me and that I'm a bright red target for it. She is dealing with a ton of bad shit in her life, so she logged on looking for someone to assault and I happened to be around when none of her other friends were. So she completely and utterly trashed me.
I feel I'm past the stage of still wanting to be with her (clearly), but yaknow I'm not so callous and cold that I wish ill will towards her. I'm a friendly person, I like being a good person and helping people, but then she comes right along and does this.
I feel like I'm *still* "losing" even after ditching her after she broke up with me and taking good advice. I just can't fucking win.
I don't deserve to be treated that way. I'd rather have her treat me well than to never associate with her again, but at this point it's no longer what I want. I simply don't ever want to talk to her again, but she's somehow made me feel bad about that, and as such took her entire bad life out on me. She attacked who I am as a person and I just, don't deserve this