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Game-related relationship help would be much appreciated
rkrasa
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I'm really not sure if this is the best place to be bringing this up, but I'm almost certain it's better than taking my problem to some silly relationship advice site.
About a month ago, my girlfriend of almost 3 years and I decided to pick up a 360 and Call of Duty 4. Initially, I thought it was really great that my girlfriend and I had found a game that we can both enjoy, seeing as how we both were hooked on the game at a friend's place shortly before. At first, there were no problems at all, we both went on Live, I played with some of my "real life" friends, she played too, no problem. Then after a couple days on Live, she mentioned that she had found a few cool people to play with and had added them to our friends list. Again, no sweat at all. Decent people on Live, sounds good to me.
Then, slowly, over the course of the next few days, her time on Live with these new friends grew quickly. I began to notice she was staying up later and later, things that she normally otherwise would do around the apartment were being left untouched, and it relatively quickly grew to the point where I would come home from work and it was just as if she wasn't even home. We would eat dinner, then she would lock into yet another 8 hour session on Live with these new friends. She was gradually talking with them more and more, and started to even go on Live sometimes just in chat sessions, not even really playing at all. A couple times she even asked me if I was going to bed yet, when am I going to bed, etc.
Then one night, I went to bed around 2 AM. As usual, she was still locked in with her little online crew. I wasn't able to fall asleep right away, so I was pretty much laying in bed trying to nod off. Keep in mind, I can still plainly hear whatever's going on in the living room from my bedroom. After about 10 minutes, I start hearing her start to talk to these guys in an *extremely* flirty way, she started explaining what she looked like, including things such as bust size, and shortly afterwards I start hearing heavy innuendo. It got to the point where these guys on Live started to try and convince her to send topless pictures to them, and I couldn't handle it any more. I stormed out of my bedroom and out into one heck of a fight at 3 AM. She was taken totally by surprise when I came out and confronted her, which tells me that for sure she was doing this with the mindset that I was asleep and had no idea. Her explanation was, "we're just joking around, I would never actually do anything with guys like this,etc." Essentially she tried to blow it off. Eventually we cooled down and I went back to bed, thinking that would have been enough friction for her to get the message. Not 15 minutes later I again hear her, giving out her email address to trade pictures with one of these guys. I could not believe it. At no point in our relationship had either one of us ever shown interest in another person, and now all of a sudden she's getting frisky with some random people online and now she's wanting to trade pictures?
The next day we talked it over and came to the conclusion that she's just trying to meet new people, not with the intent of hooking up or leaving me or whatever, and I basically accept this as a compromise. She's in between semesters, and in a couple weeks won't have enough time at night to continue her late night rendezvous, or whatever, which she has amde an everyday occasion. At this point, I considered the issue dead...figure, she'll just get it out of her system. I try to write it off as a combination of cabin fever and way too much time on her hands.
Three days later, she was as usual in a late night game session with these people, and I dozed off in bed around 1:30...at 5:30 AM she woke me up as she got into bed, and told me, to put it nicely, that she was very sexually aroused at that point in time and then rolled over and went to sleep. Wonder why she was feeling that way...
So essentially, the last 4 weeks have been hell for me. She'll play until the wee hours, then is up again in the morning and is immediately back on with these people. I want to approach her about that last incident, which was just 2 days ago, but I feel like it would just fan the flames even more. I'm in the middle of another night where I likely won't sleep because this is tearing me up so badly. If anyone is able to give me ANY bit of advice, or any bit of solace, or can relate at all, it would be MUCH appreciated. If you're not comfortable discussing something like this on a forum, I would be just as grateful to discuss it via email...I'm not sure if it's visible on my profile or what, but it's redbull311@gmail.com. Thank you very much for hearing me out.
About a month ago, my girlfriend of almost 3 years and I decided to pick up a 360 and Call of Duty 4. Initially, I thought it was really great that my girlfriend and I had found a game that we can both enjoy, seeing as how we both were hooked on the game at a friend's place shortly before. At first, there were no problems at all, we both went on Live, I played with some of my "real life" friends, she played too, no problem. Then after a couple days on Live, she mentioned that she had found a few cool people to play with and had added them to our friends list. Again, no sweat at all. Decent people on Live, sounds good to me.
Then, slowly, over the course of the next few days, her time on Live with these new friends grew quickly. I began to notice she was staying up later and later, things that she normally otherwise would do around the apartment were being left untouched, and it relatively quickly grew to the point where I would come home from work and it was just as if she wasn't even home. We would eat dinner, then she would lock into yet another 8 hour session on Live with these new friends. She was gradually talking with them more and more, and started to even go on Live sometimes just in chat sessions, not even really playing at all. A couple times she even asked me if I was going to bed yet, when am I going to bed, etc.
Then one night, I went to bed around 2 AM. As usual, she was still locked in with her little online crew. I wasn't able to fall asleep right away, so I was pretty much laying in bed trying to nod off. Keep in mind, I can still plainly hear whatever's going on in the living room from my bedroom. After about 10 minutes, I start hearing her start to talk to these guys in an *extremely* flirty way, she started explaining what she looked like, including things such as bust size, and shortly afterwards I start hearing heavy innuendo. It got to the point where these guys on Live started to try and convince her to send topless pictures to them, and I couldn't handle it any more. I stormed out of my bedroom and out into one heck of a fight at 3 AM. She was taken totally by surprise when I came out and confronted her, which tells me that for sure she was doing this with the mindset that I was asleep and had no idea. Her explanation was, "we're just joking around, I would never actually do anything with guys like this,etc." Essentially she tried to blow it off. Eventually we cooled down and I went back to bed, thinking that would have been enough friction for her to get the message. Not 15 minutes later I again hear her, giving out her email address to trade pictures with one of these guys. I could not believe it. At no point in our relationship had either one of us ever shown interest in another person, and now all of a sudden she's getting frisky with some random people online and now she's wanting to trade pictures?
The next day we talked it over and came to the conclusion that she's just trying to meet new people, not with the intent of hooking up or leaving me or whatever, and I basically accept this as a compromise. She's in between semesters, and in a couple weeks won't have enough time at night to continue her late night rendezvous, or whatever, which she has amde an everyday occasion. At this point, I considered the issue dead...figure, she'll just get it out of her system. I try to write it off as a combination of cabin fever and way too much time on her hands.
Three days later, she was as usual in a late night game session with these people, and I dozed off in bed around 1:30...at 5:30 AM she woke me up as she got into bed, and told me, to put it nicely, that she was very sexually aroused at that point in time and then rolled over and went to sleep. Wonder why she was feeling that way...
So essentially, the last 4 weeks have been hell for me. She'll play until the wee hours, then is up again in the morning and is immediately back on with these people. I want to approach her about that last incident, which was just 2 days ago, but I feel like it would just fan the flames even more. I'm in the middle of another night where I likely won't sleep because this is tearing me up so badly. If anyone is able to give me ANY bit of advice, or any bit of solace, or can relate at all, it would be MUCH appreciated. If you're not comfortable discussing something like this on a forum, I would be just as grateful to discuss it via email...I'm not sure if it's visible on my profile or what, but it's redbull311@gmail.com. Thank you very much for hearing me out.
rkrasa on
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She's acting well out of bounds, and you need to make her realise this. Ask her why she thinks it's acceptable, and whether if you got "friends" between semesters and started getting email addresses from girls and telling them how long your cock is, how she would feel about it. It's fucking ridiculous.
If she can't/won't, and I am one to really really dislike the idea of ultimatums, you need to ask her if she cares enough for you to give up the Live account. Like I said, I really dislike that sort of shit, but usually in H&A people have never actually discussed the problem. It sounds like you have, and so you need to start making firm points on how to curb completely unacceptable behaviour.
Many people in a relationship also go to bed together. Maybe that's the answer instead.
Tough situation, though I know I would be super pissed as well.
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TL;DR You have to get some answers, because tearing yourself up on the inside really sucks and detrimental to your health and relationship.
However, I also suggest first and foremost a serious talk about your concerns. If things are shaken up and she is going to make excuses without an attempt to compromise to your totally reasonable feelings (You are in bounds on this. It is very easy for her to say otherwise and go that route, but stand your ground.) then I think you know what you should do.
If you're not more important to her than what she's doing, things are already lost.
Good luck. Sincerely hope things work out.
I wouldn't mind if my wife was just really addicted to a game and was staying up late (but even that after a while could wear on the relationship). But it sounds like you have fairly solid evidence of her participating in some major mischief.
When you've confronted her, what exactly did you say? Did you flat out put it on the table that trading pictures (especially nude ones) of her with people on the internet is pretty much tantamount to cheating on you? Perhaps there's no physical relationship going on, but imagine if you woke up and your girlfriend was in your living room with her shirt off and there was one or more men staring at her. So yeah, it's pretty equivalent.
If it helps, I got some womanly advice on the subject. I asked the Mrs. She said "that's pretty fucked up." (If I may quote)
All I can say is that you need to address the situation directly and in no uncertain terms. You need to let her know how the situation makes you feel, what you feel her behavior is equivalent to (give her an example that would put her in your shoes as you do this... like "what if I found girls on the internet and started flirting with them and sending them naked pictures of myself?"). Let her know that you cannot accept this behavior and (if you feel this way, which it sounds like you do) that this is not something that a person already in a relationship should be participating in.
If she apologizes and follows it up by never engaging in it again... well... even then, it might be the sign of a larger underlying problem. My wife said "That's a girl who needs attention." I hadn't thought about that until she said it, but it is a truth that I hadn't noticed until she said it. Perhaps she needs/wants more attention than you're giving her. Perhaps she needs/wants more attention than is rationally possible to give to her. If it's the former, you could try being the source of attention (where those guys were filling in the spot). If it's the latter, and there's no way you could bring her the kind of multi-guy attention she's interested in, you may end up having to cut your losses.
And if she refuses to apologize and accept that what she was doing was wrong, or if she does and then goes behind your back and does it again anyways... well, for me, that'd be it. There's plenty of women in the world, and at that point it looks like that woman's looking for another man. Cut your losses and find one who'll be faithful to you.
But that's just my opinion. I'm sure there's others here who'll disagree with me entirely. However always remember that if you're upset about an issue, then it IS an issue in the relationship, even if someone can excuse it away. It must be addressed (either by you or her fixing the problem) or the relationship will turn into resentment and inevitably fail.
EDIT: Also, if you paid for the 360, take it with you when you leave. She'll have to do her internet mischief on her own time and with her own money. The more I think about this situation, the less of a fan of your girlfriend I become. Listen to what UnknownSaint said above too, I think his words are (unfortunately) wise.
You know, you bring up a good point that I hadn't thought about before.
It doesn't help that she's the equivalent of an online floozy sadly... but you have a good point as to the source of the problem. She may need someone (sadly, it couldn't be you as the boyfriend) to sit her down and explain to her that the internet is full of horny men who'll do anything to see the exposed skin of a woman.
I gotta be honest, and it sucks, but I think this post pretty much sums it up. While I respect and give credit to the opinion of checking to see if she's been online before, I have to point out that girls get constant attention everywhere in real life all the time. And not just the hottest ones. Yes there are definitely girls out there that are ugly enough to not get hit on all the time (I'm not saying it's right, I'm just stating a fact), but don't think that the 10s are the only ones this happens to.
Bottom line is this feels bad to me, and if you DO approach it with the angle that she "doesn't understand online", you need to make it clear that whether she agrees or not, YOU are uncomfortable with it. This guy is totally right; you are FAR in bounds, and 95% of girls would shit if it was you flirting online till 5AM.
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That said, her behavior, while certainly in the wrong, is also kind of understandable. Aethelred brings up a very good point - the kind of attention she probably gets as a female gamer on Live must be completely intoxicating. There is a rush, and a feeling of power, associated with being suddenly adored, and being suddenly flirted with and considered attractive out of all proportion to that which you experience in real life. Her succumbing to that feeling is a sign of some immaturity, sure, but it's also human, especially if you guys are both fairly young.
My practical advice is this. Avoid becoming angry and lashing out by yelling and fighting - this has a very small chance of shocking her into her senses but a bigger chance of just screwing things up. Also do not by any means do something like hide the 360 powerbrick. That would be treating her like a child, and you want to be able to arrive at the solution together like adults, or else the relationship will never work. Such a move would come across as petty and mean, and will make her resent you - you, who are taking away all the power that she enjoys in her online 'friendships'.
Instead, my suggestion is to try and wean her away from her new addiction by offering her a better alternative to these horny disembodied voices who are probably jerking off to her pathetically every night. Remember, those guys are pathetic - you are not. Replace their shallow attention to her with meaningful attention of your own. If you're heading to bed, why not persuade her to come with you - does she really prefer to swap photos with strangers rather than curl up with her very own flesh-and-blood man, who can really fulfill her?
Be creative about this. You want to demonstrate - not just say in words - that she is missing out on something great. She needs to _want_ to get up from the Xbox, not just feel obligated. You might try coaxing her up from the sofa by starting with a massage or something.
It sounds to me that one bottom line is that her online ventures are exciting in a way that your relationship no longer is. You want to revitalize that spark.
At the same time, it is important that you let her know that her behavior is both unacceptable and hurtful, and you want to make sure you frame this in a way that gets through to her. However, don't sound whiny or vulnerable. You need to do this from a position of strength. She is the one missing out, not you. She is the one who is losing you. All of this needs to be implicit from your body language, your demeanor, and the way you carry yourself through this.
After all that effort, if she doesn't get the message, then it really will be time to move on.
The more you make an issue out of it, the worse it's going to get. Passive aggressiveness is a bad idea too. The bottom line is you need to make yourself more fun to be around than internet people. You can't *force* or pressure her into choosing you over this situation, but you can work on giving her a good reason to. The more negative you are, whether directly, or indirectly, the better they (and other guys in general) are going to look over you.
I see where you're coming from. But the other side of the coin on that is that if she's looking for someone else (online, giving them nude pictures and flirting all night etc... while still living in his house), she's already made her choice. He shouldn't have to wait around for her to get bored with him again and do it again.
Tell her so. Tell her that it's the same. If you want to put up with it, hey everyone loves some self flagellation. If she still doesn't see it, do you want to still date her? This is serious shit; it's not like she's staying up late and surfing for porn for an extra 30 minutes; she's staying up and flirting wildly for hours upon hours with the same guys. It would be enough to make me want to dump a girl, honestly.
My sister does the same thing in TFC. She'll get into a server, and start talking... And I was watching her play one day and saw that one guy said something like: "Mimi (her name online), I want to put it in your ass." And all she did was say something like: "lol, okay...", a few minutes later she gave that same guy access her to MySpace page..
A few days later she's opening up private chats and stuff with him to "talk" with him. It's a pretty common behavior on the interwebs now. Like stated above, some women like the attention they get online. If they don't get very much in real life, they will get a lot online... Because it's only voice.
But I really, REALLY hope things work out for you OP. Because that's a shitty situation that you're stuck with. No one deserves to be in that situation.
Yeah! Why didn't she jump your bones? I'm confused.
She's being a sneaky shit. If I was confronted with that I'd be a sneakier shit. Like set up a hidden mic and go to bed, let it record her "session", you ought to get some damning stuff. Play it for her some time, the hope being that she'll hear how inappropriate her behavior is and be able to empathize with you.
Failing that, I'd sell the 360 and the games. If she still sneaks, dumpsville.
Just know, this advice is geared to forcing a confrontation (which I think is the only way to deal with sneaky shit); if you don't want to do this, or if you think confrontation will drive her away and you cannot bear that, then don't do the above.
Rkrasa, try to imagine everything from her perspective, why is she flirting with the other guys? Is it a big deal to her? Do you have other problems in your relationship?
Theres really only one thing you need to decide for yourself..... is this relationship worth going through all this or are you better off with someone else?
Anwser this and the appropriate action should be much clearer.