Gal problems

Zonugal

So I've got a little lady friend and everything is great and all except for the fact that she doesn't initiate any contact between us. We've been official for about a month now and when I was "courting" her I planned on the dates and such but now they are an item I still have to do all the planning even if we want to just go out to eat at the cafe (we are both at college by the way). The other thing is she has no problem initiating hugs, hand holding or kisses, which makes me think she is emotionally attached to me in a way (when she hugs me, I can tell), so there is that.

So I have contemplated sitting down and talking to her about it and I'd hate to have to break it off because she is really great but I feel I need and deserve more.

Thoughts?

Preacher

You should probably talk to her before you break up with her simply because she doesn't initiate contact. Some people just assume the other person in the relationship will be the forward one, make the plans, come over, call etc. It doesn't mean she lacks for attention, perhaps she still feels you are courting her.

Zonugal

Yeah I am going to talk to her first, if it doesn't work, than I fear I'd probably break up with her.

If she stills thinks I'm courting her, is there an easy way for me to make it seem like I'm done courting her.

Thanatos

Sounds like you've pretty well got it figured out. Talk to her, if it doesn't help, break up.

That's how healthy relationships work.

Preacher

I must be missing what she isn't doing though. I mean so she doesn't make contact, is that something you desire? Does she get angry when you don't make contact? Maybe she's just giving you space? I am le confused. Almost sounds like you are looking for a reason to break up with her.

Zonugal

Thinatos, you are pure wisdom.

Thank You.

Zonugal

Preacher wrote: »

I must be missing what she isn't doing though. I mean so she doesn't make contact, is that something you desire? Does she get angry when you don't make contact? Maybe she's just giving you space? I am le confused. Almost sounds like you are looking for a reason to break up with her.

In a way I do desire a girlfriend who would (attempt) to put in as much effort as I was in the relationship. Nah, she doesn't get mad or anything. I just get the feeling from her that if I never made effort, she would never contact me in anyway.

Preacher

So you have a girlfriend when you want one, and you think that's a bad thing? Dude that's a great relationship. Maybe you are being a little too needy.

Zonugal

Preacher wrote: »

So you have a girlfriend when you want one, and you think that's a bad thing? Dude that's a great relationship. Maybe you are being a little too needy.

Ew... We may differ on that. I want a girlfriend that puts in as much effort into the relationship as I do.

It'd just be nice for her to suggest we do something every once in a while. Is that so bad?

Preacher

Well if that's what you want then maybe it is best for you to move on.

Zonugal

If I can talk to her and get to start planning hangouts and stuff, than that'd be fantastic. But if she doesn't...

Preacher

Well as I said earlier it sounds like you have already decided you want out, I mean I wouldn't even know how you approach that.

ZeeBeeKay

Do you ever ask her what she wants to do, stuff like that? I know that whenever I want to have some sort of social get together (romantic or not) I have no idea what to suggest. I just suck at planning things to do, and your girlfriend might too. Just ask her.

Zonugal

ZeeBeeKay wrote: »

Do you ever ask her what she wants to do, stuff like that?

I do but she typically has no idea about what to do.

wunderbar

ya, my girlfriend is pretty much exactly like that. You get used to it.

And over time, it has gotten better. She just sounds like someone who is indecisive. I've been dating her for 2 years, and I've been pushing her to start making more decisions, and to start suggesting things we can go out and do. The trick is knowing when to puch, and 1 month into a relationship is not the time to push, but it's also not a reason to break up with her.

talk to her about it, tell her that while you don't expect her to make all the decisions, tell her she needs to start suggesting things that she wants to do. I've got a good 80/20 split with my girlfriend right now, and that's a far cry from the 100/0 split it was when we first started dating. It's just something that takes time.

Zonugal

Thanks for the suggestion wunderbar. What do you think is the best way to discuss the issue with her?

ApathyKills

I was talking to my ex recently about her new boyfriend. she told me he's sweet and all but he needs to grow some balls and decide what to do himself for once instead of always saying "well what do you want to do?". some girls just think a guy should be the one to take control of the relationship. now that I think back she was the same way when we were dating. I just never noticed.

ApathyKills

It's actually kind of nice being the one who gets to call the shots. you never get dragged into doing something you're not into. cherish it man.

Food?

Following what wunderbear said, it's probably just an insecurity thing. I've dated girls that absolutely cannot make a decision, for fear of making me feel some sort of negative feeling. It's frustrating figuring out why they would possibly think that, but then again, that's what an insecurity does. Like many people have said, talk to her, tell her that you would really, really like her to make some decisions and do what she wants for a change. You have to make her feel like whatever she says is welcome (even if you think you're doing this, up the ante a little bit).

Matt_S

Just a suggestion too, but invite her to start planning some of the stuff. Maybe on your next outing together, or next time you talk to her, ask her if there's anything that she would like to do and be completely open with her suggestions. If you ask her to start thinking of things that both of you would enjoy, she might start taking more initiative.

Just my two cents.

EDIT: Completely off-topic, but Ellensburg eh? You a Central student? My sister attended school there, and being a WSU student myself I drive through Ellensburg quite a bit whenever I need to go to the west side.

Zonugal

Matt_S wrote: »

EDIT: Completely off-topic, but Ellensburg eh? You a Central student? My sister attended school there, and being a WSU student myself I drive through Ellensburg quite a bit whenever I need to go to the west side.

I am indeed a central student. Are you suggesting when you drive through Ellensburg you stop and we grab a dish to eat?


We have delicious waffles here.

Matt_S

I wasn't insinuating that, but...but...

Waffles, you say?

Zonugal

So many waffles...