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girl thread-how to tell between loss of interest or wanting you to give the attention
Lucid
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, I thought I'd ask for advice here since the PA forums are where I read a thread about online dating sites, and got into one. That's where this issue stems from. It's all your fault PA forums(DnD). All your fault.
Short synopsis;
So, it all starts late november with a girl initiating contact and messaging me. Says I seem cool, seem interesting all that. I pay attention, but not a lot as I've been into another girl at this point. We keep messaging back and forth though, being friendly. She seems genuinely interested too, as she says little things denoting that she thinks good of me in one way or another. Around mid december, since I'm not seeing or talking to any other girl at the time, I ask her out to meet. She seems excited, even saying she hopes I'll still be interested in her after I meet her(something to that effect). We spend around 8 hours together, which I thought is pretty significant. We had fun pretty much the entire time it seemed. She was even acting flirty, doing the physical contact stuff, hitting me with her mittens(no, that's not a euphemism), giving me little nudges, whatever. I'd reciprocate and she seemed comfortable. She even invited me back to her place, into her room and closed the door from her roommates. I thought that must be a good sign. No, nothing happened though. I think I may have been able to make moves and be successful, but I don't really want to go that fast right now, and I didn't want her to think I was with her for only one thing. She was also extremely talkative, and even told me it's because she felt uncomfortable with awkward silences. Anyways, I got the impression that I could've gotten somewhere If I wanted to, she seemed like she may have. Now, after that she had to go out of town to her hometown for the holidays. About 3 weeks. She did stuff like add me on facebook, msn, etc. However it seemed we didn't talk much and I was the one who had to initiate contact. I sort of passed it off as she had stuff going on there or what not. Though, she told me fairly often that she was sort of a loner didn't have much friends etc. She's also been pretty open with her insecurities and stuff a lot of people wouldn't talk about when first getting to know someone(being depressed). Like when we hung out, she would say stuff like " I bet you think I'm weird/freak now" after telling me about something. I dated a few girls in the time between. Since she's gotten back we've chatted a bit, but she still seems somewhat elusive.
So, my problem here is, I can't tell if she is doing the hard to get thing or whatever, and wants me, the guy to do all the attention seeking, or if she's lost interest. Part of me tells myself I'm being insecure too, and there's not really any negative signs and I'm reading too much into it. It's hard to read into online behaviour too. Especially when the person isn't that talkative online. A friend told me there's only really been positive signs so far, and that just keep going until I know for sure how she feels. I want to pursue her, but I also don't want to appear over eager, like I'm madly in love with someone I went on one good date with. Then I don't want to seem like I don't care if she really is wanting me to go after her. I had fun and would like to try to make something out of this. Frustrating.
My question I guess, is in your experiences, what shows when someone is just not interested anymore, or when they want you to take the lead. I've heard how some people will take the lead initially, then once they've shown interest, get the other to take it up.
Short synopsis;
So, it all starts late november with a girl initiating contact and messaging me. Says I seem cool, seem interesting all that. I pay attention, but not a lot as I've been into another girl at this point. We keep messaging back and forth though, being friendly. She seems genuinely interested too, as she says little things denoting that she thinks good of me in one way or another. Around mid december, since I'm not seeing or talking to any other girl at the time, I ask her out to meet. She seems excited, even saying she hopes I'll still be interested in her after I meet her(something to that effect). We spend around 8 hours together, which I thought is pretty significant. We had fun pretty much the entire time it seemed. She was even acting flirty, doing the physical contact stuff, hitting me with her mittens(no, that's not a euphemism), giving me little nudges, whatever. I'd reciprocate and she seemed comfortable. She even invited me back to her place, into her room and closed the door from her roommates. I thought that must be a good sign. No, nothing happened though. I think I may have been able to make moves and be successful, but I don't really want to go that fast right now, and I didn't want her to think I was with her for only one thing. She was also extremely talkative, and even told me it's because she felt uncomfortable with awkward silences. Anyways, I got the impression that I could've gotten somewhere If I wanted to, she seemed like she may have. Now, after that she had to go out of town to her hometown for the holidays. About 3 weeks. She did stuff like add me on facebook, msn, etc. However it seemed we didn't talk much and I was the one who had to initiate contact. I sort of passed it off as she had stuff going on there or what not. Though, she told me fairly often that she was sort of a loner didn't have much friends etc. She's also been pretty open with her insecurities and stuff a lot of people wouldn't talk about when first getting to know someone(being depressed). Like when we hung out, she would say stuff like " I bet you think I'm weird/freak now" after telling me about something. I dated a few girls in the time between. Since she's gotten back we've chatted a bit, but she still seems somewhat elusive.
So, my problem here is, I can't tell if she is doing the hard to get thing or whatever, and wants me, the guy to do all the attention seeking, or if she's lost interest. Part of me tells myself I'm being insecure too, and there's not really any negative signs and I'm reading too much into it. It's hard to read into online behaviour too. Especially when the person isn't that talkative online. A friend told me there's only really been positive signs so far, and that just keep going until I know for sure how she feels. I want to pursue her, but I also don't want to appear over eager, like I'm madly in love with someone I went on one good date with. Then I don't want to seem like I don't care if she really is wanting me to go after her. I had fun and would like to try to make something out of this. Frustrating.
My question I guess, is in your experiences, what shows when someone is just not interested anymore, or when they want you to take the lead. I've heard how some people will take the lead initially, then once they've shown interest, get the other to take it up.
Lucid on
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Posts
Oh, and she's crazy, good luck with that one.
I don't know if I'd be able to tell her this without coming across bad/desperate whatever.
My guess is that she has not lost interest, but is thinking on her next move. She is either going to put herself out there and live a little, or she is gonna turtle up by slowly distancing herself from you. I also guess that aside from the initial contact that she isn't much of a "take initiative" type of person.
Surprisingly, she sounds like the female equivalent to me. That's how I came up with this theory.
You could even make it clear that it's a proper date, maybe dinner and a movie or something. My college bf took me to see a play on our second or third date (we split the bill, don't get all huffy), we dressed up and he gave me flowers and all. It was very romantic and made everything a little clearer somehow.
(1) She's into you.
(2) She's really insecure.
(3) She's into you.
(4) Just ask her out. The worst that could happen is she would say 'no' which is going to be significantly less painful then this 'she loves me she loves me not' track your brain is running circles in.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
It's been a month and you've moved on from the internet stuff -- you've met in real life. Maybe this is more common nowadays, but when I was dating IM was only used as a real way to talk if you're long distance or not being serious -- if you're actually courting someone and want something to happen, you pick up the damn phone and make plans.
Remember, too, that even people who would be romantically interested in you may end up being boring, depress[ing/ed] people that are just kind of sucky. I've known people who are both insanely busy and seriously aren't interested in dating (working + studying) and those who are just bumps (on a log) and just mope around all weekend wondering why they never do anything (even when they're invited to doing things).
The former are typically very interesting people that you either have to work with or move on. The latter, just move on.
Thing is she is always the one to message me and wants to chat everyday. I think she is just one of those people who requires 20 IM windows open at once but she genuinely seems to want to talk each time. I think I will suggest Skype tonight when she IMs me but if she says no for anything other than no mic then I don't know what to say. I have enough internet friends and at least most them are people I can talk about geek stuff which I can't with her since she hasn't even seen Star Wars which is her only saving grace that she isn't some dude in my mind trying to fuck around with me.
So sorry to take your thread Lucid but my question is what should I do now if she never wants to make any other contact?
You may want to think about whether you really want to get into a relationship with someone that... shy... unmotivated... lackadaisical... or all of the above. It doesn't say good things about her maturity and ability to get by and be happy in life. She may one day wake up and realize she needs to seize more initiative in communicating, but until that happens, she is probably going to be a financial and emotional burden to many people close to her.
HyperAquaBlast, you should probably make your own thread.
Well, I think that for a reasonable and well-adjusted person, you would be showing that just by continuing to contact her. Her lack of responsiveness now could be due to impatience, is what I was saying.
Based on what you described before this, this result sounds like a very typical "loner" excuse for when they do like you but are still afraid that you really don't like them (or won't next time) even though all the evidence points to yes. If she is really insecure I think she needs over-assurance that you do care about her when talking about meeting and especially at the end of a date. Surprisingly, to somone that is very insecure the fact that you called to meet doesn't remove their doubt and insecurity. And in this case she'll likely keep wanting that over-assurance because she could keep doubting her appeal to you.
Since it says girl thread are guys not supposed to answer? Sorry about that if so.