The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Shit hits fan plus other suck included. (wall of text)
Jack of all Trades
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is an Alt. I consider this an absurd and embarrassing situation, and I have family on this board and I don't want anything to be biased, or really for them to be included in this mess.
Basically, I've been dating this excellent guy for 8 months. For both of us, everything is quite swell.
However let me give you a complete rundown of why shit is pretty much hitting the fan, and making me angry.
Problem: My friends.
If you remember my last couple of threads, they were basically me trying to figure out how to deal with mfriends not particularly liking my boyfriend (because of how they knew him in highschool...3 years ago), and outright telling me and making fun of him.
They continue to call him socially inept/retarded, which, personally, only occurs EVER when Peterand I are hanging out with them.
I've confronted him about how he acts (quiet, sometimes coming off as rude, when he doesn't mean to), and he said it was because he thinks my small group of friends are judging him. Which they 100% are (as they told me this). So, he really doesn't know how to act infront of them, and becomes withdrawn and awkward.
When I hang out with my friends, they seem to cut him down constantly. Making fun of how he was "fat" in highschool, or how he wore PJs to class, or whatever. That was 3 years ago. He changed. A lot. He's now in the army, lost 60 pounds, and is going into a wonderful job that's going to bring in a lot of money.
They can't see this. All they see is this fat kid who wore PJs. WHatever. That was a rundown of my previous threads.
Now onto the bigger issue at hand.
Several days ago, my friend Sara invited [reluctantly] Peter (Boyfriend) and I over her house with a bunch of other people. It was the typical movie night that we had back in highschool, and on my part, fun was had. Playing guitar hero, catchphrase, and eating good food. T'was a good time, indeed.
However, Peter is kind of shy, and doesn't really know how to act infront of them so...he seemed very awkward.
First Problem: During the evening, they decided to play "I Never". If you havn't heard of the game, you hand out 5 pennies to each person, and when it's your turn you say "I've never [whatever]" and if someone has, they throw a penny in (or drink a shot, depending on how you play). This game basically gets all secrets out, for the most part.
Well, They decided to play that game this evening. Not for real fun, which I would have been all for. But to find out if I had sex with Peter (they confronted me a couple days prior to this saying how it would disgust them, and how I shouldn't be thinking about having sex with him before a years time, which is absolutely ridiculous in my opinion.
Well, I refused to play. If they want to find out if we've had sex (which is actually none of their business, but whatever) they can ask me like Adults instead of trying to find out through a game infront of some people I don't even know.
How the fuck do I get them to realize that sex isn't some taboo. And that it may be their preference to wait a year or however long, but I'm not going to. I've told them this, but they don't get it.
"Sean and I waited 3 years to have sex. You should too, [Jack of all Trades]."
Second problem:
A couple days after the party, I had friends Arielle, and Sara over my house to shoot the breeze and hang out. After a nice relaxing afternoon, they decided to confront me about Peter. Again.
They think he's going to snap and murder them. What the fuck?
They said that he was rude and socially retarded at the party, and that, and I quote, "Arielle's dad once knew a guy like him, and he murdered 3 people. I took psych 101 this year and he does exhibit some of the signs" and they also think that dating a guy who was in the Army, and who has had 11 years of Tae kwon do experience is just me "begging to get killed."
....what? Psych 101? for one semester? How does that prove anything? Arielle's dad? He doesn't even KNOW Peter. Begging to get KILLED?! what the FUCK.
So they go on, making me more and more uncomfortable, cracking jokes about how he's going to murder stephanie (another friend), and then them. And how they really do think I should watch out for my self, and them. Then the proceeded to tell me how stephanie will be pissed because they're confronting me about this..with out her, and how they want to do it all over again when she's with us, and have me pretend I didn't hear any of this bullshit. So, basically making me go through this shit all over again, which hurt me, cause they're accusing someone I love to be a potential murderer, just so they could include Steph in the conversation.
I've tried to gt them to see that Peter isn't bad in social situations. I've observed him with his other friends, and our mutual friends, and he's perfectly fine. It's just with them that he's withdrawn because they judge nonstop, and he knows they don't like him. I don't know how to fucking deal with this middle school bullshit. he's not going to murder anyone. he's fine. He's never hurt me in any way, and my parents fucking adore the kid.
TLDR; Friends think my boyfriend is going to snap and murder them. How the fuck to I deal/ get them to see how retarded they're being.
oh. and they're disgusted by the thought of us even thinking about having sex before 1 year of being together...
Thanks guys. I'm sorry if this all doesn't make sense. i'm flustered, and I kind of just woke up...
I appreciate the help, and sorry for the wall of text.
Basically, I've been dating this excellent guy for 8 months. For both of us, everything is quite swell.
However let me give you a complete rundown of why shit is pretty much hitting the fan, and making me angry.
Problem: My friends.
If you remember my last couple of threads, they were basically me trying to figure out how to deal with mfriends not particularly liking my boyfriend (because of how they knew him in highschool...3 years ago), and outright telling me and making fun of him.
They continue to call him socially inept/retarded, which, personally, only occurs EVER when Peterand I are hanging out with them.
I've confronted him about how he acts (quiet, sometimes coming off as rude, when he doesn't mean to), and he said it was because he thinks my small group of friends are judging him. Which they 100% are (as they told me this). So, he really doesn't know how to act infront of them, and becomes withdrawn and awkward.
When I hang out with my friends, they seem to cut him down constantly. Making fun of how he was "fat" in highschool, or how he wore PJs to class, or whatever. That was 3 years ago. He changed. A lot. He's now in the army, lost 60 pounds, and is going into a wonderful job that's going to bring in a lot of money.
They can't see this. All they see is this fat kid who wore PJs. WHatever. That was a rundown of my previous threads.
Now onto the bigger issue at hand.
Several days ago, my friend Sara invited [reluctantly] Peter (Boyfriend) and I over her house with a bunch of other people. It was the typical movie night that we had back in highschool, and on my part, fun was had. Playing guitar hero, catchphrase, and eating good food. T'was a good time, indeed.
However, Peter is kind of shy, and doesn't really know how to act infront of them so...he seemed very awkward.
First Problem: During the evening, they decided to play "I Never". If you havn't heard of the game, you hand out 5 pennies to each person, and when it's your turn you say "I've never [whatever]" and if someone has, they throw a penny in (or drink a shot, depending on how you play). This game basically gets all secrets out, for the most part.
Well, They decided to play that game this evening. Not for real fun, which I would have been all for. But to find out if I had sex with Peter (they confronted me a couple days prior to this saying how it would disgust them, and how I shouldn't be thinking about having sex with him before a years time, which is absolutely ridiculous in my opinion.
Well, I refused to play. If they want to find out if we've had sex (which is actually none of their business, but whatever) they can ask me like Adults instead of trying to find out through a game infront of some people I don't even know.
How the fuck do I get them to realize that sex isn't some taboo. And that it may be their preference to wait a year or however long, but I'm not going to. I've told them this, but they don't get it.
"Sean and I waited 3 years to have sex. You should too, [Jack of all Trades]."
Second problem:
A couple days after the party, I had friends Arielle, and Sara over my house to shoot the breeze and hang out. After a nice relaxing afternoon, they decided to confront me about Peter. Again.
They think he's going to snap and murder them. What the fuck?
They said that he was rude and socially retarded at the party, and that, and I quote, "Arielle's dad once knew a guy like him, and he murdered 3 people. I took psych 101 this year and he does exhibit some of the signs" and they also think that dating a guy who was in the Army, and who has had 11 years of Tae kwon do experience is just me "begging to get killed."
....what? Psych 101? for one semester? How does that prove anything? Arielle's dad? He doesn't even KNOW Peter. Begging to get KILLED?! what the FUCK.
So they go on, making me more and more uncomfortable, cracking jokes about how he's going to murder stephanie (another friend), and then them. And how they really do think I should watch out for my self, and them. Then the proceeded to tell me how stephanie will be pissed because they're confronting me about this..with out her, and how they want to do it all over again when she's with us, and have me pretend I didn't hear any of this bullshit. So, basically making me go through this shit all over again, which hurt me, cause they're accusing someone I love to be a potential murderer, just so they could include Steph in the conversation.
I've tried to gt them to see that Peter isn't bad in social situations. I've observed him with his other friends, and our mutual friends, and he's perfectly fine. It's just with them that he's withdrawn because they judge nonstop, and he knows they don't like him. I don't know how to fucking deal with this middle school bullshit. he's not going to murder anyone. he's fine. He's never hurt me in any way, and my parents fucking adore the kid.
TLDR; Friends think my boyfriend is going to snap and murder them. How the fuck to I deal/ get them to see how retarded they're being.
oh. and they're disgusted by the thought of us even thinking about having sex before 1 year of being together...
Thanks guys. I'm sorry if this all doesn't make sense. i'm flustered, and I kind of just woke up...
I appreciate the help, and sorry for the wall of text.
Jack of all Trades on
0
Posts
You probably can't. Tell them to fuck off and find new friends.
Flip them off and never see them again.
Get new friends.
This Boyfriend may be akward but who the hell are these people? To judge someone (and to judge YOU) and riddicule them to this degree in public? Are these highschool friends? If so think about that. Are you friends cause you like them OR because they are who you were in proximity to?
This guy may need work socially. He may even be overlly odd. But he makes you happy right? And they seem to want to piss on that for not really that great reasons? You seem to have mean pals.
Newsflash- if you have sex it is not their buisness. And that is all you ever have to say. And guess what? no sex for a year? Were i dating one of them, I would not stick around. And sean sounds crazy to me. Waited 3 years? really? (( granted sex stuff is opinion- to each thier own. but seems extreme.))
who the hell are these people?
These people seem downright Toxic. Especially when you consider with other mutual friends and his friends the boyfriend seems fine.
B. Inform them that your friendship with them is contingent on A being followed.
C. If they refuse to follow A, then it's time to get new friends.
It's clear they don't respect Peter, but it's equally clear that they don't respect you, and your ability to make your own choices. Maybe once they their role as your protector, or they thought they were somehow better then you... your relationship threatens the status quo.
I'm not even going to address the "killing" thing, because it is just complete nonsense.
Plus I give kudos to this Peter guy for sticking it out with your friends time and again, its a really hard thing to do when you go into a social situation with people you know don't like you.
Boyfriend is 19, almost 20. I just turned 18. and all my other friends are 18.
The hard thing about ditching these friends is the fact that despite all of this bullshit, they were actually very loyal, and very good friends. But now that i've introduced peter into the picture, they've gone insane with the accusations, and making me feel like utter shit.
This is my first relationship, and his longest, and everything with us has been great. But I feel like I can't talk about him with my friends with out being cut down, or having eyes rolled at me. I feel like I'm a child now with them.
Seriously... Don't get me started on the "psychiatrist" after she took one semester of PSY 101, which she probably skipped anyway.
See but this is not how friends act. It is how childish people act in a pack. Friends would pick, friends may judge- but the degree you are describing is messed up.
If they don't trust you when you say "you guys have him(boyfriend) all wrong" how much respect can they have for you?
You only think you need these people.
You can't keep going on like this. A friend doesn't purposely set out to make a friend feel like shit. If I was you I would have probably beaten the fuck out of each and every one of these friends and gone to prison for it.
I had a few lifetime friends that were like this. They would tell me to leave my wife constantly, I eventually grew fed up. I gave them an ultimatum you either accept my wife or we aren't hanging out anymore. They chose the latter. I made new friends and still am happily married.
I went through this with a girl I went to high school with when we started dating my freshman year of college. I believe it's just your friends lashing out because they feel slighted by you spending time with your boyfriend.
In conclusion, tell you friends to eat a bag of dicks (in a nicer way, though) and they'll eventually come around. Worked for me, at least.
i am of the type of peter. usually withdrawn/guarded around people i don't really know/newish situations.
I often am considered rude by people who don't know my personality or sense of humor. Its a confident/non cocky and very sarcastic. that and i don't give a fuck if people don't like me, can't be friends with everyone.
these people who you call friends, aren't not being your friend, and they need to get over it or move on.
its a new time in your life, assuming you are just out of high school, make new friends to go with the new phase
Your friends are retarded. Get new friends.
The problem here is evolution. Your boyfriend has evolved into a better form. Your friends are all stuck in the past. Do they even have opposable thumbs?
These people are not your friends. They don't care about you or your happiness. Cut them the fuck out of your life. Friends do not behave like this. Friends support not break down. If there are legitimate concerns then friends address things like adults. Friends trust friends. Friends let other friends live their lives.
Fuck them you don't need them.
You and "peter" need to sever ties and make new friends together. If they are like this with peter they are unlikely to support you in future decisions.
buy warhams
No, they are not loyal, nor good friends. Please listen to me, I've seen this happen, and it even happened to me for a while before. These people have constructed a group they're happy with, and they've assigned you a position in that group. You haven't noticed because you may have fit it perfectly, pleasing both them and you. You are disrupting that dynamic by being happy with someone that doesn't fit in, and they are trying to ridicule you back into your little place in their group. This is what happens. It's shockingly depressingly, but all young adults have to deal with this sort of thing to varying degrees.
I'm tempted to write up a form letter that you can use to recite to them to cut them off.
Just like there are plenty of fish in the sea so far as mates are concerned, the same applies to friends; throw these ones back.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
WTF does "loyal" mean if they backstab your boyfriend?
You don't need people like this in your life.
Are good friends supposed to make people feel like utter shit now? I must have missed the memo.
edit: Sci-Fi Wasabi is on the right track here. A normal well adjusted person wouldn't just drop someone for the way your "friends" are acting. They would never be friends in the first place.
If you have to constantly feel guarded or whatever around them, they're not your friends. For the sake of your mental health, I suggest finding new friends or telling these ones you don't want to see them for a while. They're jealous that you are spending time with someone that is not them, and they're taking it to a whole new level of asshole.
Also, they should read the first line in about every psych book ever, "Do not attempt to use the things you learn in this book on your own".
It also sounds to me like they have a little echo chamber going, where they're all reinforcing and amplifying each other's opinions of your BF. It may be that individually, some of them really don't have as strong a dislike as they've manifested in a group setting, so the "cut this shit out or we don't associate anymore" tactic may not cost you all of your friends.
You and he care about one another, your friends are unable to get out of their comfort zone, so go with peter and make some new friends or just hang out with his.
and from some one who has also studied martial arts for a decade, i'm the most non angry of my group, since martial arts builds that kind of virtue.
oh and as a final note the "Sean and I waited 3 years to have sex. You should too, [Jack of all Trades]." and they think peter is nuts.....fuck, explain to that friend that 3 YEARS is fucked up.
Also, they're ganging up on you. Fuck that.
Don't take your boyfriend with you when you see them, it must suck for him and just gives them more to rant about.
Yes?
Good.
next, your boyfriend is probably shy around them because they mock him. its a pretty common social reaction, i should think. he doesnt want to be made fun of so he tries not to be noticed.
if i were you and you were me, i would go to my "friends" and tell them that:
1: you bitches do not control my life, i do, and i'll do what i want with said life.
2: my boyfriend is extremely important to me and I love him very much, and if you cant show him some respect for all the progress he's made then you're all far more "socially retarded" than you think he could ever be.
---
basically you need to tell them to change their attitudes or smeg off!
however, i'm pretty much on the "finding new friends" bus with this. groups of people (for the most part) really dont ever change just because one person in the group has, and they're all sounding pretty stupid and immature. it definitely seems like you and your boyfriend could associate with much better people anyway
-stick up for your boyfriend when your friends treat him like shit
-don't date him and believe what your friends say about him
-get new friends
-don't expect your boyfriend to get along with your friends
OP, I think everyone here thinks that your friends suck and you need new ones.
Wiki definition for friendship:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship
edit: I'd like to also point out the hilarity of their plan to find out if you've slept with your boyfriend.
"Hey, lets play some retarded variation of truth or dare! There's no possible way this brilliant plan wont work!"
Quoted for truth.
Gotta go with what everyone is saying, and ditch your so call friends.
Until you've completed a PhD in Clinical Psychology, plus at least a year of internship as a Clinical Psychologist, you are NOT QUALIFIED to diagnose ANYONE with ANYTHING along the lines of "Psychopath" or similar, full stop.
Please feel free to inform your "Psych expert" friend that s/he should get bent. I don't really have much more to say, I fully support the general "fuck those jackwits, get you some new friends" trend in this thread, but I absolutely had to respond to that psych 101 crap.
Those are NOT even friends to begin with
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
But...
If you feel like you have the desire and stamina to try and change you friends minds, I would try dividing and conquering.
I would pick a friend from that group that is more open mind than the others but one that hopefully has at least a little social pull in the group.
Talk to that girl and try to implore her for a little understanding. Try to show her that he is a decent guy. Then at some point get the three of you to hang out in place where he will feel comfortable and even put the odds on his side by including one of his friends but include one that has some social appeal.
If you can win that person over, and it will take some time and effort, you can then leverage that support in convince the other two, individually maybe easiest again. This part is a little trickery as you stand to isolate the last hold-over of your friends if done one by one.
That said it sounds like you friends are very much stuck in "Group Think" mode. Space and time maybe your only hope at their age and what sounds like their maturity level.
(I say this as several of my high school friends seem to have reached the apex of their social evolution in high school. Depressing. And while seeing them during the holidays a girl from high school made some comment about some study that says most people do not develop past level obtain by the age of 16.)
Edit: Without knowing the nature of your relationship, it makes me wonder if you guys are friends as a group or whether you actually have one-on-one relationships with any of these girls. If it is a the group relationship dynamic then I would consider it hopeless.
A person is nice, thoughtful, and accepting; people are hateful, reactionary little beasts. I used to have three friends, any of which I could call up and say I needed help, and one'd be on his way before I could hang up the phone. But when all three were together, they'd insult my friends and occasionally even disrespect me. It was maddening, because we were all friends and I'd want to hang with any of them, but never all of them. Somebody would make a crack about someone else, then the next thing you know everyone would gang up on them. I don't know if it was one-oneupmanship or crowd mentality or what, but whatever it was it was pretty destructive. Eventually one guy just decided he had enough and went his own way, and after that we mellowed out a bit. Then another friend moved away. I still keep in contact with my best friend (the one that didn't move away). It didn't occur to me until after two of my best friends had gone out of contact that we were indeed very different when we were together as a group instead of together as pairs.
As for your situation, I don't know if this applies to you or not. If it does, then maybe talking to and reforging relationships with your friends one-on-one could help you. Sure, your friends might think he's a psycho-rapist, but each friend might be reasonable about it. If you have your your friends meet you and your boyfriend's mutual friends, they might be insulting and cliquish. But each one of your friends could have a good time meeting new friends.
Still, don't be afraid to cut them out if need be. Abusive relationships exist, and there are such things as abusive friendships as well.
Edit: Oniian posted while I was conceiving this post. I very much agree with him. Just keep in mind that there are some people (and groups) that may never learn to grow. Part of growing up is leaving behind highschool.
This
over and over again
a million times
then a million more