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Girls - WHAT THE HELL?
Noray
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, so girls: What is up with them? Let me be more specific:
There's this pretty awesome girl I've known for a few years now, since we were both like 14-ish (20 now). I had a massive crush on her, but back then we were both too awkward and, well, teenager-ish to get anything serious going. So nothing happened except for some flirtatiousness and hanging out. But we kinda grew apart. A few years later, around 17-ish, we started hanging out again and became pretty close friends. I was over at her place once or twice a week. We had lots of fun together, smoked some pot every now and then, watched movies etc etc. But I figured she had no romantic feelings for me, because I kissed her once, which was fine, but when I tried to kiss her again right after I was D3n13d. Pretty much how it happened. We, uh, never spoke of it again and just kept hanging out as friends. This was the situation, and a few weeks after the kiss she got herself a boyfriend. We remained good friends though.
Then, when we were 18 (about a year and a half ago), we graduated high school and she moved to another city a few hours out (with public transportation). We saw eachother only sporadically since, we met up maybe 4 or 5 times in the past year and a half. A few weeks ago, she broke up with her boyfriend of about 2,5 years. Then, a few days ago (Friday last week), we met up again, dinner, movie, went clubbing, generally had a good time. Since we hadn't seen eachother much over the past few years, and not being an awkward teenager anymore, it wasn't as hard for me to separate my romantic feelings for her from our friendship, though I still think she's great and awesome and I'd gladly be her boyfriend.
So yeah, we went our separate ways again, promising to keep in touch etc. Which brings me to now. I got a text from her in the middle of the night telling me she thinks I'm sweet and funny and smart. This is pretty out of character for her, she normally isn't so affectionate in this way. Obviously, she was at least somewhat drunk. But this just completely fucks me up. For the longest time, I've sort of accepted she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me, and now this happens. Apparently, people speak their minds when they're drunk or something. I tried calling her today, but there was no answer. So I figured I may as well get some opinions on this.
What do you make of this? What should I tell her? On one hand, I'd love to tell her that I've always wanted to be more than friends, but hell, maybe she was just being drunk and didn't mean much by it. Plus, conversations like that are kinda awkward over the phone. It's a pain that she lives so far away.
If you read all that and have any decent advice, you win some kind of awesome props!
There's this pretty awesome girl I've known for a few years now, since we were both like 14-ish (20 now). I had a massive crush on her, but back then we were both too awkward and, well, teenager-ish to get anything serious going. So nothing happened except for some flirtatiousness and hanging out. But we kinda grew apart. A few years later, around 17-ish, we started hanging out again and became pretty close friends. I was over at her place once or twice a week. We had lots of fun together, smoked some pot every now and then, watched movies etc etc. But I figured she had no romantic feelings for me, because I kissed her once, which was fine, but when I tried to kiss her again right after I was D3n13d. Pretty much how it happened. We, uh, never spoke of it again and just kept hanging out as friends. This was the situation, and a few weeks after the kiss she got herself a boyfriend. We remained good friends though.
Then, when we were 18 (about a year and a half ago), we graduated high school and she moved to another city a few hours out (with public transportation). We saw eachother only sporadically since, we met up maybe 4 or 5 times in the past year and a half. A few weeks ago, she broke up with her boyfriend of about 2,5 years. Then, a few days ago (Friday last week), we met up again, dinner, movie, went clubbing, generally had a good time. Since we hadn't seen eachother much over the past few years, and not being an awkward teenager anymore, it wasn't as hard for me to separate my romantic feelings for her from our friendship, though I still think she's great and awesome and I'd gladly be her boyfriend.
So yeah, we went our separate ways again, promising to keep in touch etc. Which brings me to now. I got a text from her in the middle of the night telling me she thinks I'm sweet and funny and smart. This is pretty out of character for her, she normally isn't so affectionate in this way. Obviously, she was at least somewhat drunk. But this just completely fucks me up. For the longest time, I've sort of accepted she doesn't have any romantic feelings for me, and now this happens. Apparently, people speak their minds when they're drunk or something. I tried calling her today, but there was no answer. So I figured I may as well get some opinions on this.
What do you make of this? What should I tell her? On one hand, I'd love to tell her that I've always wanted to be more than friends, but hell, maybe she was just being drunk and didn't mean much by it. Plus, conversations like that are kinda awkward over the phone. It's a pain that she lives so far away.
If you read all that and have any decent advice, you win some kind of awesome props!
Noray on
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My advice - forget about her relationship-wise. Friendship-wise, you called her back. Wait for her to call you. The old phone tag scenario.
Don't read into the drunk dialing.
Personally I would stop being friends with her. I'm not saying to call her and tell her to fuck off. But let the friendship slide into obscurity. I'm old and bitter, and have seen this scenario play out bad way too many times. So take that last bit of advice as you will.
Edit: If you can still just be friends with her then that's cool. But be brutally honest with yourself.
Thing is, as long as she stays a friend, I will always have feelings for her and think about her. Hell, even in the times where we didn't see eachother for long stretches, I'd still have dreams about her every now and then (this is weird for me).
Part of me knows that letting the friendship fade away might be for the best. The other part can't let go of that little sliver of hope - that part is definitely fueled by these texts. It's stupid and probably naive, but there you go.
If we stop being friends, I lose a great friend. If we stay friends, I'll always have these feelings.. Ugh. Someone shoot me plox!
I usually just simplify with "People are crazy. All of them."
The original poster just has to ponder this; is the risk (potentially alienating a friend of half a decade or more) worth the potential reward (dating/whatever else)?
Being drunk can lower inhibitions, but never assume that just because someone says it while drunk, that it's the way they feel at all times or that it's some kind of insight into their secret desires.
Oh, she probably does think very highly of you, but the text might not mean anything more than what it said.
It's a tough call though, so best of luck.
I actually think I may be better friends with the girl I decided to stay friends with, even though I still get all a lustin' every now and then.
Just stay in touch, but keep the self control to maximum. When you do hang out, don't put your arm anywhere but maybe around her shoulder, don't touch her legs or anything, and for the love of god don't try to kiss her again... Tell yourself it's a friend only scenario.... keep telling yourself that, and enjoy a great friendship. Once you find a girl locally who makes you feel the same way you'll be fine, and you will.
Yeah, this. If she calls me back, I'll see what happens. If not, then I'll probably just let it go. She's chaotic and gets called like a hojillion times a day, plus she may be sort of embarassed about it, she might not call me back though.
Thanks for the input guys!
Verily.
I think the best advice we can give is for you to go under the assumption (dispite that text) that she's not actually interested in you. Find yourself a woman who *is* (and is willing to be with you), and you'll be much happier than this current situation.
Now, if the situation changes: if she, for example, decides of her own will to leave her boyfriend and declare her feelings for you, that's another thing (and at that point you'll have other things to worry about, like if you want to be in a long distance relationship). But for now, if she still has a boyfriend and her compliments toward you (and let's face it... they're just compliments, not a declaration of love/desire for a relationship) happened while she was drunk and probably lonely, you shouldn't consider that a reason to drop your current life and continue the pursuit.
As hard as it is, I have seen (in my life and the lives of many others) that a relationship with someone that you find later in life is usually much more fulfilling than holding on to one from your childhood. Much moreso when that childhood relationship wasn't actually a relationship to begiin with.
I'll return the lime appreciation..... She's enticing and beautiful and everything you want because you've known her for the better part of a decade. I promise someone better is out there, and most likely in your current location.
Yes, she may see you as a friend. She may also see you as an attractive, smart, funny guy with some risks to the friendship entangled in dating you. She may also just want someone to be with her for the rebound (my money's on the last one.)
Go out, have yourself some fun, if you find someone else you're interested in see where it leads you. Don't go out just to get over this girl, but to enjoy yourself away from her (like you've been doing for the past two years, it sounds like).
You also might want to bring it up with her if you really can't get it out of your head. You risk damaging the friendship, but if saying "I have a thing for you, want to go for a movie some time?" (NOT "I love you marry me." The second one's creepy) damages the friendship, then you probably don't want to be that close to her anyways. If you're not okay with this being a rebound, wait for a while and see if a) she's over the ex and b) you get over her (it happens).
Also, if you do decide to talk to her, only do it once and then drop it. Just a quick "Want to go out some time?" will work, it doesn't need to be overwrought or written out or anything dramatic like that.
Good luck!
hmm. Thing is, we've already been on so many things that would qualify as 'dates' (like going for dinner and a movie), but it was never actually a date, just us as friends. Just going out with her and instead calling it a date wouldn't make much of a difference. I mean, we really are very very close. There's pretty much nothing we can do together as boyfriend/girlfriend we haven't already done as friends (save for the obvious).
If she just wanted a guy for the rebound, she probably would've dropped some hints when we were out last week, but I didn't really pick up on anything like that. But I can see her being drunk, alone, thinking of me and sending those texts, that's not too hard to imagine.
Things have simply already progressed way beyond the point where I could just say 'hey I have a thing for you'. I'm pretty sure she knows I have feelings for her anyway, since I kissed her once and all, I just can't imagine she doesn't know. Truth is, I'd be hers, she'd just have to say so. But she never ever did.
Knowing her as well as I do, this was probably just a momentary lapse. But still so very very out of character for her. I mean, you have to understand. She pretty much has to beat guys off her with a stick, she is very very attractive, but she's TOTALLY not the 'easy' kind of girl. This boyfriend she broke up with recently was her first serious boyfriend, with previous ones she was afraid to even kiss. To go and express those things like she did, even if drunk, is really weird. And knowing her so well makes it even harder for me to interpret this.
Yes. There. Is.
I'm not saying that once you're there it's physically impossible to escape from it like it's the negative zone, but when a woman thinks of you as this cute, sensitive friend, she's not looking for some deep commitment from you.
But realize that YOU claim you changed during that time, got over the crush, and can hang out with her as a friend now. What makes you think she's stayed the same? Leaving high school and moving does a lot to make people change their outlook on life.
It could be that she was simply feeling reboundy and had something to drink. It could also be that in the past few years, going through a breakup with her long-term boyfriend made her realize something and she realizes that she actually likes you. Maybe she *didn't* like you before for some stupid superficial reason, or maybe she had the silly HS notion that "dating friends is icky, it's like kissing a brother." Being away from you for [years] may have very well changed her mind about you.
I'd say evaluate what you want from the relationship with the person and go from there. You haven't seen her much and she lives far away, so if you want to remain just friends it'll be easy. If you want it to kind of dissipate, that's cool too. Personally, if you're single and she's single, and you still like her, screw the naysayers and plan to get together. Bring up the text message and be flirty. Don't be pushy, but she rejected you many years ago, not last month, and she's obviously being flirty now. Act on her attitude *now,* not her attitude 3 years ago while in high school.
Maybe nothing will come of it, but if you like her enough that a text has awakened a crush, you might as well act on it. The worst that could happen is you're too pushy and she rejects you utterly, but you don't really see her much so you'll have some finality to the situation.
Again, it's not like you've been hounding her for years, waiting for her to break up with the boyfriend. She moved away, you haven't really seen her at all in almost 2 years, and she broke up with her boyfriend (because something didn't work out) and now that she's looking back on her relationship (probably) she contacts you with compliments. That's not "normal" for friends (not meaning it's weird, meaning that if I were going to get ahold of someone I only regarded as a friend, I wouldn't start by flirting with them).
And you yourself point out that it's out of character for her. Alcohol doesn't make someone into a different person, it lowers inhibitions. Don't be a doting "nice guy" who follows her around -- ask her if she meant what she was talking about in the text, and be up front about how you feel about her. Don't go in for a kiss -- make your feelings known with words. Don't blubber on about how you've always loved her or some shit, tell her that you still like her very much and that she's also [smart/cute/funny], and you'd be happy to be an item together, but you're not going to push it on her because she's rebounding and you were just friends in high school.
You have an opening to, at the very least, figure out what's going on with your friend and help out. If you act like "same old friend" you'll be treated like "same old friend." if you need us to tell you what you'd do to make hanging out with a girl more like a date, that's an entirely different thread :P
Girls (often guys also for that matter) don't like being chased after. Most people want what they can't have. There is just nothing for you to gain by letting this girl have any impression that she can have you. The best way to find a girlfriend is to stop looking. Once you decide that you are satisfied with yourself as you are without a girlfriend then suddenly you will become irresistible to the opposite sex (ok maybe a slight exaggeration). If you are already "sweat and funny and smart" as she claims then think how much of a catch you will be if you are also confident and unattainable.
Anyone may feel free to disagree with me if they feel so inclined, but I feel like this is a point that has to be brought up. I have 3 particularly good guy friends who just won't seem to believe this advice... and as such they are constantly trying to find girlfriends and constantly pushing girls away by throwing themselves at these girls. On the other hand, one of my best buddies is purposefully unattractive and he seems to have problems with getting TOO many girls because he is completely confident, and plays hard to get (he is still nice to girls and acts like a gentleman, but he just won't give them the impression that he likes them). And by purposefully unattractive I mean like growing ridiculous mustaches and things like that.
Ohmygod. Yes, it is possible to see someone as a friend. This is not the friend zone. This is not "sucks to be you, buddy, those crazy wimmins!" This is "not romantically interested right now, perhaps not without some major changes in who you are (in which case, not worth it duh.)" Christ.
To the OP: Personally, I think that making it explicitly (as in clearly, not as in sexings) a date makes it very, very clear what everyone's intentions are. I got screwed over by a guy friend thinking I was interested in him when I wasn't, and thinking that us hanging out often was as good as dating. It's not, you've got to make that transition clear.
Also, disclaimer, I'm a girl, theoretically I've got more insight into the minds of other people with vaginas.
I'll say one more thing, and if you want to debate this we can make a thread or you can pm me, but you just proved my point. It's possible to see someone as a friend, where the only way you (as a woman) would be interested in them is if there was some major change. Your exact words by the way. We, (as men) call it the "friend zone" and it's a place that we're not really gung ho about being in, because it means that a) we've lost all chances of a relationship without b) some major change we wouldn't be comfortable with.
You can argue that this person might not be in this situation, but don't argue that this situation does not exist.
edit: OP, you've got your head on straight man. If you really think she's the one, then do what you have to do, by all means, and the best of luck to you. If deep down you're just feeling this way because she's what you've known, and you haven't really gotten out there, then give it some time, stay friends, and see some other people.
Just because there are more women who wouldn't bang their friends at the drop of a hat doesn't make it into some sort of zone. Which is also why the OP shouldn't worry about it -- either the girl truly sees him as a friend (but not as someone she will have sex with), or she's changed her mind and wouldn't rule out an intimate relationship.
I'll go with that, if I came off meaning a friend who girls wouldn't sleep with then thats not how I meant it.
Let me buy you a beer man, I've been in the same situation for few years now. My friend is married though
I just can't bring myself to end the friendship though. We are good friends and we have a great time together. she flirts with me heavily and if she were available I would scoop that up in an instant, but I can't. That's the only advice I can give. If you can say, without taking into account your deeper feelings for her, that you really are good friends. Then I say the heartache is worth it. If the only reason you do hang with her is that you're clinging onto that hope of something more...then bail.
Enlist in Star Citizen! Citizenship must be earned!
No, the problem is that the 'friend zone' mindset implies that women aren't worth hanging out with if there isn't the slightest possibility that you might get near their vaginas. Its really not a healthy way to go about viewing half the population, and you're probably missing out on a lot of fulfilling platonic relationships if this is how you roll.
It is not like this at all.
You know a person of the opposite sex. You find this person attractive, intelligent, sensitive, funny, and it makes you feel good when you are around them. You share intimate personal details of your lives. You become vulnerable with one another.
As I understand it, the 'friend zone' hypothesis goes something like this: men and women, in general, experience this situation differently. Men experience this emotional intimacy and it often leads to romantic/sexual attraction. Women experience this, and it just as often doesn't lead to sexual atttraction. The confusion, however, is that each party believes that the other party feels the same way they do. Hence, the friend zone: guys have a hard time understanding how a woman can be experiencing all the components of an ideal relationship (except the romance and sex) and yet don't want the romance and sex part.
Now I'm not saying I believe this, and I'm not saying I have the psychological studies or the statistics to back it up. However, this in NO way implies that men who believe the "friend zone" exists don't think women are worth hanging out with except to get in their pants. Far from it.
As a guy who has been in this situation, I have experienced the feelings of longing for a physical relationship for a woman with whom I've established an emotional relationship. More than once. When I experienced these feelings, they were practically biological. For me, they were basically built-in, and I assume this is true for other guys too. It's not like I could turn them on or off, any more than I can decide to feel thirsty. Or not feel thirsty. It's not a "viewpoint." It is not, as The Cat says "how you roll." This isn't immaturity or misogyny.
I'm sure many guys who are in this situation, where they know (logically) that a physical relationship isn't possible, would LOVE to have a fulfilling platonic friendship. However, it's very, very hard to have a fulfilling platonic relationship when every moment you spend with that person causes your brain to tell you that what you REALLY want is an emotional and physical relationship. It's like having a terrible sweet tooth all the time, working in a candy store, and being on a diet. Your logical mind tells you "don't eat the candy, you're on a diet. It's not good for you." The less logical mind tells you "you know what would be so good right now? A Kit Kat. They're right over there."
In that situation, I don't understand how it is "mature," virtuous, or healthy to attempt to remain in the situation and sublimate your feelings. There are a number of ways to rationalize sticking around: "If I keep hanging out with her long enough, my feelings will go away on their own." "If I hang around long enough, she'll come around and start wanting physical intimacy too." "I can sublimate my constant feelings of longing because I value her as a person." All of these, in my mind, are unhealthy, including the last one.
In two heartbreaking episodes in my life that haunt me ten years on, where I ended up in the "friend zone," I bowed out gracefully as soon as I realized I was there. No drama necessary. Did I miss out on fulfilling platonic relationships? No. A fulfilling platonic relationship was not possible for me with these two women. I was too attracted to them. Not a week goes by that I don't privately ask myself "what if..." even though I know that nothing was possible. The thought comes unbidden. I don't know why they didn't want a relationship with me - although I can imagine plenty of good reasons. So I walked away. And though The Cat may disagree, this was in no way a value judgment about their worth. They were (and, I presume, still are) amazing people, and I'd much rather have my winsome "what ifs" than memories of a crippling and dramatic "friendship" lined with suppressed resentment.
It kinda depends. Where I grew up the 'friend zone' meant that while you could have as fulfilling a platonic relationship as possible, but the guy would be shunned away as soon as said girl got a serious boyfriend since she would devote more of her time to her BF and BF would apply pressure on guy to back off and distance himself from girl (unless he though the guy was a total nonthreat).
I in no way implied this. I said that he's in a situation where he likes this girl, more than likely (but not assuredly) because she's all he's really known, and she doesn't feel the same way, and other than showing some rebound signs after a breakup, doesn't seem to want to feel the same way. My advice was to keep her as a close friend, but find someone else for a relationship.
Exactly. Both of the posts above imply that the genders in the described situations are never reversed, which is really, really silly. The lolfriendzone stuff tends to be discouraged here for that reason; that it tends to encourage a view of how men and women conduct their relationships that just isn't supported by the evidence. There's nothing special or unusual or weird about a woman not reciprocating your attraction. Its not a 'what the hell' moment, it happens to all of us from time to time.
The genders certainly can be reversed and I apologize that I didn't put in the reverse case.
I remember reading in Psych 101 that there has been proof that a person who has continually shown affection or liking towards a person will have their affection valued less than the praises of a stranger. In fact, they showed that people (both men and women) preferred people who started up antagonistic towards them but warmed up into a good friend more than someone who was a friend from the start. This doesn't at all prove a "friend zone", but it does show how both men and women will often take friends and their affection lighter than those of non-friends.
Oh, and if you decide to ask her out, Dr. Maas suggests you use the "Principle of Reciprocal Concessions". The principle comes from a study that shows that people will give more if you start high and come down than they would usually (ask you to put a huge, ugly sign about seat belt saftey in front of your house, you'll say no, but if I suggest a much smaller sign, you'll agree more likely to agree than if I'd ask you about the original sign first). His example is the freshman who asked a girl to marry him, but conceded to going out for a cup of coffee.
What? Of course the gender roles are sometimes reversed. However, this doesn't discount the fact that there are real, substantive questions here about whether men and women perceive the potential for sexual or romantic attraction differently in opposite-sex friendships.
I hate to be a Wikipedian Protester here, but what view exactly does the "lolfriendzone stuff" encourage, and what is the evidence that doesn't support it?
The body of scholarly research on the "friend zone" and related issues is not big, but it exists. It seems to me to indicate that there are some clear differences in how men and women approach sexual tension and asymmetric attraction in opposite-sex friendships and that a man is much more likely to find himself in the "friend zone" (which I define as being sexually or romantically attracted to an opposite-sex friend without reciprocal attraction) than a woman is.
Kaplan and Keys: "57 percent of men and 32 percent of women reported at least moderate levels of current sexual attraction for their closest cross-sex friend."
Reeder found that men are more likely to view cross-sex friendships as precursors to a romantic relationship.
Bleske found that men are more likely than women to perceive potential sex with their opposite-sex friends as a positive benefit of the friendship.
Monsour et. al. found that men think about the sexual aspect of an opposite-sex friendship more than women.
O'Meara found that men are more likely to perceive certain friendly cues as sexual than women.
Bleske-Rechek and Buss found that men are more likely than women to initiate opposite-sex friendships due to sexual attraction, a desire for sex, and finding the other person sexually attractive. They also dissolve opposite-sex friendships more often for lack of sex.
This post is filled with so much truth that it almost makes me want to cry. It alone should be stickied to the message board of life.
More on this tomorrow when I'm not about to fall asleep.
They don't. What you've listed to me is the consequences of living in a culture which doesn't teach men to pursue relationships with women they're not sexually attracted or related to, and insists that men be after sex all the time. You've got massive problems with self-selection in all those stat-collections. You've also got problems with the fact that in most of those studies, no-one was bothering to ask women whether they felt similarly, and when they do ask, you run into the problem of how women aren't supposed to be all open about this stuff. Men overreport and women underreport in pretty much all sex and relationships research.
Honestly, you don't need to divide the world into 'men are all deet deet deet, women are all doot doot doot' to live your life; all those stupid assumptions are going to do is mess with your head and get in the way of your life. Its a lot smarter to just work case-by-case.
Pretty much what I was going to say... I have to figure something out for myself now. I still haven't spoken to the girl, but I think I'm going to call her and ask her about those texts. I have to get some closure one way or the other. However, I don't know where I'm going to go from there if she's not interested romantically in me. She is that person that I feel I can share anything with. She is not my friend simply because there is a part of me that still hopes to get in her pants or whatever. She is my friend because she is a great person (person, not just 'girl') and she is everything I would look for in a girlfriend. But she isn't. If it turns out she isn't interested in me romantically, which is more than likely, I have to make the decision of telling her I can't see her anymore because shit like this is just too hard for me to deal with, or to stay friends.
Whichever I choose, I'm pretty sure this will be one of those things... I'll remember for the rest of my life. Thanks for that post dude. That is more insightful than I dared hope when I posted this thread.
That's bollocks, because you are totally ignoring the situational use of the phrase. 'Friend zone' is only used in a case where someone explicitly wants to be more than friends. It doesn't at all imply that they can't be friends with women who they don't want to sleep with. And as lots of threads in H/A show:
guy friend angling for sex + woman friend not = bad
Also, your version of the 'friend zone' only works if every male on the planet wants to sleep with every female on the planet. Hopefully we can agree this isn't quite true, and really, who is guilty of stereotyping here?
PS Not actually supporting the 'friend zone' idea, but that was bad reasoning for why it is stupid .
PPS Frylock wins.
I finally got a hold of said girl, be it on MSN (I know, lulz etc). So I asked her what was up with those texts, and she said she was out drinking (surprise) with a (girl)friend of hers and telling her she though I was cute and funny etc, and she though I should know too (definitely drunkish, then).
So I went and asked, 'but not more than a friend?'
And then basically what it came down to is that she did think of me as maybe more than a friend, but there are also parts of me she can't see herself coping with in a relationship. She is super extrovert and busy and spontaneous and outgoing, I am definitely more of an introvert and not so much of a busybody. I asked if she would be willing to give it a shot but I didn't really get a straight answer out of her. I don't think she sees much potential in us in a couple, and truth be told I'm not sure I do either. But I said that I think we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot. But the distance is a massive problem. Unfortunately, she had to go, we didn't quite get to finish our conversation. So I'm still not sure what is going to happen. Maybe we'd both be better off if we parted ways or just agreed to stay friends, I don't know.
Anyway, I am definitely glad I finally got at least some sense of closure, which is something I've lacked with her for the past few years. I hope I'll talk to her again soon and I'll post here again.
Thanks for the contributions anyone, who knew you could get sincere advice from people on the internets?
I agree with you here, but not in that a quality relationship can't be had.
I'm currently in a situation where I have a huge crush on a girl with whom I am "emotionally involved" but we still hang out and have fun together, and are great friends. I don't think that the fact that I want to have sex with her stops me from still being her friend since I can control myself and respect the fact that she is in a "real relationship" with another man. As it stands our friendship has every element of being a couple minus physical intimacy (not just sex, holding hands for no reason, kissing, etc) and I'm feeling repetitive but I still very much enjoy just hanging out with her.
So yes, I don't ever go more then a day or two without thinking about the possibility.
but no, I don't think that it's unhealthy or wrong to still have our friendship.
I would strongly suggest that men can in fact be just friends with people they are attracted to.
Ugh, seriously. It's also a lot more acceptable societally to be a girl who is friends with guys (that she isn't attracted to) than for a guy to be friends with girls. The first one is considered to be just a cool girl, the second is going to get a lot of "lol gay" jokes.
That whole miserable, angsty "I want to date/have sex with X but he/she isn't romantically/sexually into me" has been happening to people forever. Girls are slightly less likely to have a friend they're interested in that doesn't like them back because guys aren't as likely to be friends with a girl they don't want to bone, not because women are less sexual or anything like that. *cough*
OP, I've had your exact problem. (Actually, mine had an additional layer of misery, as my friend drooled over the entire female half of the school except me. Kind of an ego blow at the time.) As for how I got over it, this is going to sound shallow, but: I made out with other guys and then got a boyfriend. As it turned out, dating someone I liked and who liked me romantically (even though it wasn't as intense as my obsession with my friend) was so much more awesome than moping over my friend that it got me over my angst right quickly. As it turns out, said boyfriend wasn't the right one for me, but neither was the friend AT ALL. So yeah, if it turns out she's still not into you, let yourself rebound from the "relationship" (even if it's only one you've built up in your head), go kiss other girls, and minimize contact with the friend until you've got something going that feels much, much better than agonizing over her.
Edit: OP, you posted while I was typing! Good for you for asking straight-up. Remember, if you decide that long-distance isn't going to work out, that "not now" doesn't really mean "never," but it does mean you shouldn't sit around and wait for her.
To every man moping about being "in the friend zone" go out and date someone who is not this girl.
I guarantee that it will make you forget.
I figured I was the most desperate case in the world, and when another coworker/friend of mine came out about her feelings for me and we dated for about a month, I didn't think twice about the girl I had been agonizing over previously.
There's truth, be it crude, in the saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
You mentioned that you're introverted and not really busy, right? You may have to take yourself out of your comfort zone a little bit so you can meet different girls. Taking a class in something you've generally been curious about is often a really good way to do this; ditto with picking a favorite spot and eating/drinking (I don't know if you're of age) there regularly.
The other thing is, you may be setting the bar kind of high for girls, because you've been sort of on hold with your friend for forever, know her really well, and have had a lot of time to see all her good qualities (which I'm sure are numerous, but you didn't know that when you first met her, did you?). What I'm trying to say here is, if you at all think you might enjoy someone's company even in a casual way instead of "I want to be her boyfriend), ask her out! So much of casual dating is just giving people a chance; if it turns out you don't click with the girl from your pottery class or whatever, you're only out the price of a cup of coffee.
I realize this. And I told her that things being as they are, with the distance and all, it's not even worth bothering. I've finally found some peace in this. Used to be I always thought 'why doesn't she like me as more than a friend?' Now I realize we probably wouldn't even work as couple, because of all this. It doesn't especially make me feel great, but having some closure is a good feeling. I still don't know why things never worked back in high school though, before she got the boyfriend.
Hmmm, I think you might be missing the usual connotation of the Friend Zone catchphrase, which is that its basically code for the goddamn ladder theory. I lean on the side of caution when I see it, because its mention tends to bring out a lot of resentful people who say stupid things. Frylock wins; although I'm also with Cap'n Vash's point that you can still be friends with someone you're attracted to if you're mature enough and willing to make the effort. I wish all the other lazy posting hadn't turned up first.