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Can someone teach me why Uwe Boll sucks?
Grombar
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Just kidding about the title. Yeah, he sucks. 
But actually, I just saw that Dungeon Siege movie yesterday, and it wasn't quite as horifically incompetent as the rest of his work. Maybe it was the extra money he had this time around, but the movie actually has things like...oh, I don't know, production values, and...crane shots. It's a good long way from being good, but compared to Alone in the Dark, it's... Well, it's better than Alone in the Dark.
If only Ray Liotta hadn't been the evil wizard.
Here's my review, if anybody's interested:
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is, without question, the greatest film ever made by Uwe Boll.
You might wonder who keeps giving him money after House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. Wonder no more: It's the Germans. Under German tax law, Germans who invest in German movies get to write it off on their taxes if the movie tanks. As for how he keeps getting actors, well, as Michael Caine once said, "I have never seen i]Jaws IV[/i, but by all accounts, it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific!"
Whatever the reasons behind it, ITNOTK: ADST is the first Boll movie with Hollywood-level production values, or close enough to it. What can a modern-day Ed Wood do with that kind of money and talent behind him? Read on.
Our story begins with— Okay, I have to stop and say something here.
RAY LIOTTA IS THE EVIL WIZARD.
Just picture this. Start with the guy from Goodfellas, age him a decade or two, give him a pompadour and a frilly, sparkly dress robe, and that's the movie's Malevolent Threat to All Mankind. On top of that, it's impossible to hear his line delivery without busting up laughing; he bugs out his eyes, lisps and whines like the bastard child of Liberace and Skeletor, only not as intimidating. Dungeons & Dragons had better villains, and one of them had blue lipstick.
Anyway, our story begins with RAY LIOTTA IS THE EVIL WIZARD making out with Leelee Sobieski. Eew. It's supposed to be intentionally gross, since he comes across as a slimeball right away, but still; he could be playing Saint Abraham Lincoln, and she'd still be young enough to be his granddaughter.
As we find out eventually, Sobieski is the daughter of Ray Liotta's rival, the royal wizard John Rhys-Davies. While they're making out, the movie randomly cuts to an establishing shot of an entirely different location, then back to them making out, then to John Rhys-Davis overlooking that separate location, remarking that Ray Liotta's "gone too far," and teleporting away.
Before moving on, it's worth mentioning that this movie was cut down at the last minute from four hours to two and a half, and then from two and a half to just two. So there's an outside chance that the eventual director's cut might smooth things out a bit more. Probably not, but hey.
Once Ray Liotta's finished feeling up our heroine, we cut away to the usual Peaceful, Happy, and Highly Flammable Peasant Village, where we meet our hero, a convincingly badass Jason Statham. He's a farmer, named Farmer (we'll get to that), and we find him out in his field, harvesting crops and chucking boomerangs with his young son Zeph. Who should come along but Ron Perlman (who's almost cool enough to negate Ray Liotta, but not quite), an army veteran and friend of the family, who stops by for a visit.
The next several scenes do their job to establish Farmer as a tough-but-caring family man. We meet his wife Solara, parents-in-law, his brother-in-law (who looks like my friend Brandon, so that's what we'll call him), and we learn most of Farmer's back story: Ron Perlman brought him into town as a child, the town adopted him, and he picked the name "Farmer" for himself, believing that "people become what they do," or some such. Not sure how or when his kid became a Zeph, but whatever.
Meanwhile, the movie frequently cuts back to the King's castle, where we learn the following:
- Burt Reynolds is the King.
- Matt Lillard is the King's scheming nephew, and is in cahoots with RAY LIOTTA IS THE EVIL WIZARD.
- Leelee Sobieski is secretly taking swordfighting lessons from the army's Commander, but isn't allowed to join up on account of her gender and her overprotective father.
- Leelee Sobieski is learning magic from RAY FUCKING LIOTTA IS THE EVIL FUCKING WIZARD, but is getting sick of his lecherous ways and stupid, effeminate costume. (Couldn't she just learn magic from her father instead?)
- The army's Commander has a legitimate grudge against Matt Lillard, but can't touch him by law.
- The army's scouts have reported bands of armed Krugs (Orcs) raiding outlying territories. Since Krugs are thought to be dumb animals, no one takes this very seriously yet.
- Ray Liotta is still the evil wizard.
Back to Farmer, who's toiling in the field while his family's out in town. Solara and Zeph are out visiting Brandon and her parents after a day in the marketplace. "They try to take advantage of me, because I'm a woman," Solara says. "So I make them pay more, because I'm a woman."
After the crickets finish chirping, they all decide to head out to the town belltower, where they'll ring the bell to celebrate a nearby wedding. Meanwhile, Farmer spots suspicious movement in the trees around his farm, and gears up for a fight just as — you guessed it — the Krugs come knocking. Ron Perlman shows up and joins in, and say what you want about the rest of the movie, Jason Statham and Ron Perlman know how to kick ass.
In most fantasy and sci-fi films, the bad guys' minions get one scene to shine, usually their first scene, before they're demoted to fodder. This is done to establish them as a credible threat and thus make the later fights against them more exciting. Here, not so much; Statham and Perlman kill every single Krug at the farm without taking a single scratch. (Granted, Perlman's supposed to be a veteran, but the movie goes out of its way to establish that Farmer has no combat experience at all.)
Once they've cleaned house, the two of them charge into the village, where the Krugs are busy burninating the peasants. A few of the peasants, including Brandon, do a halfway-competent job of fighting back, but most are killed or captured. Farmer spots a Krug officer on horseback, giving orders, and takes him out with a flying jump slash. You can learn a lot from picking tomatoes.
Watching and directing the raid is *sigh* Ray Liotta, who can see through the Krug officers' eyes. As Farmer decapitates the nearest officer, Liotta reels back, then laughs. "Wonderful!" he cackles. "A man with spirit!" It sounds dumber than it reads, believe me.
The raid goes on for quite a while, but here's the upshot: Ray Liotta, possessing another officer, kills Farmer's parents-in-law, then goes on to kill Zeph, while Solara and half the town are rounded up and carted away for some unknown purpose. Surprisingly, unlike most films that start off by burning down the hero's hometown, about a quarter of the town, including Brandon, survives to start rebuilding.
Farmer buries his son and parents-in-law. What sticks out about this scene is the music. Film music isn't supposed to stick out; it's meant to complement a scene, not draw attention away from it. But here, the crazy violin music —*apparently intended to represent Farmer's growing grief and anger —*just calls the viewer's undivided attention to itself. The music does this more and more as the film goes on, culminating in an end-credits song that cleared the theater in ten seconds flat. But we'll get to that part.
In short order, King Burt Reynolds rides out to the village personally, complete with his Commander and court wizard, to offer his condolences and call for the surviving men to join the army. Farmer is legitimately pissed off that the army wasn't there to protect them in the first place, and openly turns his back on the King, with Brandon following him away. Being a benevolent and understanding sort of ruler (haven't had one of those in a while), Burt Reynolds lets them go.
Before the army departs, John Rhys-Davies has a mostly off-camera pow wow with Ron Perlman, then approaches Jason Statham with a more diplomatic pitch to join the army. Statham blows him off, and Rhys-Davies lets him go, but not before remarking that the King needs him "more than he knows." If you've figured out the upcoming twist, give yourself a star.
Reasoning that Solara must still be alive, as no one found her body, Farmer, Brandon and Ron Perlman team up to go after her. Farmer knows a shortcut through the nearby woods; unfortunately, the woods are guarded by Cirque du Soleil.
Well, they might as well be Cirque du Soleil; they descend from the trees on vines, striking poses as they go, dressed in Peter Pan outfits and led by Kristinna Loken from Terminator 3 and Bloodrayne. Being woodland dwellers in a fantasy setting, they give the usual "we hate humans because they fight wars" spiel, but then speed the party on their way, on the condition that they never come back. Happy to leave before they break out the Woodland Clowns, Statham and the others depart.
Meanwhile, Ray Liotta poisons the King, who gives an odd prophetic message as he collapses. John Rhys-Davies shows up and (apparently) stalls the poison with his magic. Matt Lillard takes advantage of the King's weakened state and takes a chunk of the army out to join forces with the Krugs. Rhys-Davies berates Leelee Sobieski for letting Ray Liotta get to her, which somehow unbalanced the forces of magic in ways they never really explain. Burt Reynolds shakes off the poison — no, seriously, he's perfectly fine — and leads his army out to catch Matt Lillard and fight off the Krugs. (Given that Matt Lillard's troops are apparently loyal to the King anyway, and are just being duped, you'd think Burt Reynolds would try just sending them a message to come home, but no one thinks to do that.)
And back to Farmer.
Farmer, Brandon and Ron Perlman catch up to the Krug encampment, where the prisoners from the village are held in carts. Killing a few Krug scouts, and using their armor as a disguise, they sneak through the camp, trying to find Solara. The obvious question — "And then what?" — doesn't seem to cross their minds. Plus their disguises are imperfect; the Krugs' helmets might fit, but their rubber masks don't come off. So all three of them are caught, and Brandon and Perlman get tossed in a cage while a Krug officer drags Farmer off for interrogation.
The Krug officer, with Ray Liotta again controlling him, hangs Farmer from a tree, complaining that he can't read Farmer's mind. "You?" he says. "I can't read past your scowl!" (Actually, he says, "scow-el," but you get the idea.) Farmer, being Jason Statham and all, twists around, grabs the officer's sword with his legs, and decapitates him WHILE BEING HANGED, then cuts himself down. Hardcore.
Back to Leelee Sobieski — who hasn't actually done jack squat in this movie so far — as she sits at the mirror, contemplating suicide over her failure to ward off Ray Liotta. Along comes her serving maid, who talks her out of it, and apparently that's enough to flip the switch from "helpless damsel" to "warrior princess."
We immediately cut to Leelee going through the "gearing up for battle" montage, and say what you want about most of the costumes, hers is actually pretty cool-looking from this point on. Once she's fully armed for war, we...cut away to someone else and forget about her for ten more minutes. Bah.
Farmer, who's still lying in the dirt with a rope around his neck, is rescued by John Rhys-Davies, who takes him to meet with the King. Here, Rhys-Davies reveals that twist from before, and see if you've guessed it: Farmer is the King's long-lost son and heir, who went missing as a boy after a bloody siege and was rescued and carried to safety by Ron Perlman. Being our tough-guy hero, Farmer blows off the news and walks away.
The King lets him go again, then berates John Rhys-Davies for knowing the location of his missing son for the last thirty years, but never saying anything about it. Rhys-Davies tries to dodge the issue by saying something about the work of the gods (and, on a side note, the movie has a hard time deciding how many gods there're supposed to be). Burt Reynolds gives the correct answer to that — "What the hell does that mean?" — and Rhys-Davies finally admits that he decided keeping the heir in anonymous safety was the best course of action in a hostile court. Maybe, but seriously — you couldn't at least tell your King that his son wasn't horribly slaughtered?
Anyway, it's battle time, and Farmer decides to stick around and fight. Burt Reynolds and the Commander ride out to face Matt Lillard for the usual pre-battle trash talk. As soon as the King shows up, Lillard's human troops immediately switch over to his side; nonetheless, Lillard promises their total destruction, shouting, "There will be no quarters!" Um, it's quarter, Matt. One quarter. It means mercy.
And it's on.
As the battle begins, Burt Reynolds deploys his secret weapon: Ninjas.
No, seriously. Burt Reynolds has his own personal ninjas.
They're not even sneaky ninjas. These are 80's ninjas, the kind who forgot about stealth and relied on superior numbers. Yeah, those ninjas.
Meanwhile, the Krugs break out their own secret weapon: Catapults.
"Ha!" you might say. "Catapults are for knocking down walls! Who brings catapults to fight in the woods?" And you'd have a legitimate question, but you underestimate their cunning. These catapults aren't for throwing rocks; they're for throwing Krugs.
Who light themselves on fire.
And go flying into a bunch of swords.
This actually works better than you might expect, since all the human troops apparently doused their armor in gasoline, but eventually, the Krugs think better of it and give it a rest.
Meanwhile, a fully-armored Leelee Sobieski rides toward...somewhere. Presumably the battle, but she never gets there, because one of the Krug officers crosses her path. Ready to see her kick some ass?
Too bad. She runs away.
Seriously, they give her armor, weapons, training, and magic powers, and then they have her run away. Lame.
Back to the battle, where Jason Statham pulls off more and more improbable stunts to take out various officers. Meanwhile, Matt Lillard spots Burt Reynolds, locked in combat across the field, and takes out a bow and arrow. In one of the film's few successful gags, he slowly takes aim at the furious-but-distracted warrior, takes his shot — and misses by a mile. Then misses again, and again, until he finally gets a shot in by luck. Burt Reynolds falls wounded, just as Statham decapitates enough Krug brass to force them into a retreat.
Seeing his army scatter, Matt Lillard runs in a random direction — straight into Leelee Sobieski (what are the odds?) who happens to be hanging out in the middle of Cirque du Soleil land (the coincidences keep on coming). Lillard and his bodyguards surround Leelee, who confidently stands her ground. Ready to see her kick some ass?
Sucks to be you. Cirque du Soleil swoops down and takes out her enemies for her. Come on.
They kill Lillard's mooks, but leave him alive (ain't that always the way?), at which point Leelee drags him off to Burt Reynolds' camp.
A mortally wounded Burt Reynolds crams in some last-minute father-son time before kicking off. At that moment, Leelee shows up with Matt Lillard in tow. By way of an execution, the army's Commander challenges Lillard to a duel, and defeats him easily, but just before he can finish Lillard off, the call goes out that the King is dead. Lillard instantly declares himself King (even though the entire army saw him shoot the last King in plain sight), and the Commander...goes along with it.
Come on, Commander. This is a guy who you've always hated, who's hidden behind technicalities his whole life, who killed the rightful King you've always been loyal to — which law are you supposedly bound to here? Show a little character growth and just whack him anyway, for the greater good!
But just when it looks like everyone's about to submit to his self-coronation, John Rhys-Davies shows up with the announcement that Farmer (whose birth name is apparently Camden) is now the rightful King. You'd think the Commander would seize the opportunity to just finish Matt Lillard on the spot — he's a traitor and a murderer who just lost his trial by combat — but no; the guards just drag Lillard away, never to be seen again. Seriously, the movie just forgets about him. Again, maybe the director's cut will fix that. Maybe.
Oh, and back to Brandon, Ron Perlman, and Solara; the Krugs cart them off to Ray Liotta's Mordor-esque stronghold, where Perlman dreads becoming a slave. As soon as the Krugs pull the cart inside and open it, Perlman grabs a weapon and starts to fight, with Brandon joining in. Everyone in the cart makes a run for it —*never mind that there's no place to run —*and, a few seconds later, Perlman's killed in combat, and everyone else is recaptured. Bah.
Back in what's now King Farmer's camp, they prepare to attack Ray Liotta's evil stronghold, where a much bigger army awaits. John Rhys-Davies suggests a surgical strike to take out Liotta himself, and Farmer, being our hero, volunteers to lead the strike personally. Leelee Sobieski, who up until this point hasn't even met our hero, introduces herself and asks to come along. Farmer agrees to that, especially when Leelee brings in extra backup: The Terminator chick from the Cirque du Soleil team.
So, with Rhys-Davies as their guide, the four of them make the trek through the mountains toward the evil stronghold, and if you thought this movie borrowed from Lord of the Rings before, here's where Boll pulls out all the stops. All the spinning pans and swoops across the mountaintops here are practically shot-for-shot from their source material — and hey, they even have Gimli here. Anyway, they approach a secret entrance to the stronghold, just as the army prepares to meet the Krugs on the field.
Meanwhile, Ray Liotta discovers that Solara is Farmer's wife (and that she's pregnant, which she didn't know), then holds her hostage in his study while he prepares for the battle. And if you thought he sounded whiny before, wait until you hear him monologuing here.
Anyway, the strike team reaches a deep gorge, beyond which is an air vent leading into the back of the stronghold. John Rhys-Davies volunteers to go first and talk some reason into Ray Liotta, and if you know where that's going, give yourself...well, half a star. He teleports into Ray Liotta's...training room, apparently, with various swords along the wall, and Liotta shows up to challenge him.
Admittedly, this scene is kind of cool. Rhys-Davies and Liotta circle each other, calmly trading words, while at the same time using their powers to pull swords off the wall and have them fight in midair. Of course, no one but the hero can kill the villain, and so Liotta overwhelmes Rhys-Davies and mortally wounds him.
Back on the battlefield, Liotta summons a giant thundercloud to intimidate his enemies (and to make the battle look more like Helm's Deep), then sends his troops up the hill. Commence long, wet, dark, shaky-cam fight scene —*and, since none of the important characters are there, that's all we need to say about that.
Farmer, Leelee, and the Terminator chick concoct a plan to get themselves into the stronghold by throwing a rope helluva far, then swinging across the gorge, flying face-first into the opposite cliff, and hoping to grab onto something. Farmer and the Terminator chick make the first swing, and Farmer actually succeeds at all this, but the Terminator chick apparently chickened out, because she's back on their side of the gorge the next time we see her, and after that, she just kinda wanders off and leaves the movie. Leelee, meanwhile just stands there — until she hears her father's voice, and teleports to his side (her first successful teleportation, apparently). Rhys-Davies gives the usual proud goodbye, promotes her to Magus, and gives her the last of his power. Okay, now she's ready to kick some ass.
Hold that thought.
Farmer finds Liotta in his study, exchanges a few words, and gets the boss fight rolling. As you watch this scene, pay attention to Liotta's movements; Statham clearly knows how to fight, but Liotta's just constantly backing off, trying not to drop his sword. They try to hide it with editing and special effects, but yeah; Ray Liotta can't swordfight for shit.
After trading several blows, Ray Liotta remembers that he's still the evil wizard, and starts attacking with magic instead. Farmer chides Ray Liotta about his honor, and apparently this works, because Liotta starts using a sword again.
Of course, once Farmer gets the upper hand, Liotta just uses his magic to press the "Win" button, paralyzing Farmer and surrounding him with a torrent of...well, books, of all things. And, with the hero at his mercy, he...yeah, he monologues. Long enough for Leelee Sobieski to show up, all juiced up with the power of the world's greatest wizard.
Ready to see her kick some ass now?
Sure you're ready?
She throws one wimpy-ass Hadoken. Which distracts Liotta just long enough for Solana to stab him in the back. That distracts him long enough for Farmer to break out of the spell and finish him off. Woo.
At Liotta's death, the Krugs immediately revert to dumb, docile animals, wandering off the battlefield and letting the captive Brandon go. Everybody wins, and Farmer and Solana make out right next to Ray Liotta's corpse. Pan over to the window, where the barren wasteland dissolves to a lush, green wonderland.
And then cue that terribly corny song over the end credits.
You know, I've seen worse. Especially from Uwe Boll. For all this movie's flaws and unintentional comedy, it's more than I thought he was capable of, and I'm actually interested to see the director's cut. If it wasn't for the horrible miscasting of Ray Liotta, the movie'd be much more watchable; even Burt Reynolds, while not the best choice to play a pseudo-English King, gets away with most of his dignity intact.
Yeah, it's formulaic, the editing's choppy, and half the actors are wasted in roles that either aren't written well or don't give them anything to do. But, again, if that's the worst I can say about an Uwe Boll movie, he's come a long way.
On a scale of one to ten smashes, one being a knightly salute and ten being a horrific beating with one of those Krugs' giant clubs, Grombar gives In the Name of the King eight smashes.
And one more thing: Even though Eragon got fewer smashes, on account of being more technically proficient, I enjoyed watching this movie more. Make of that what you will.
Anyone else seen it?
But actually, I just saw that Dungeon Siege movie yesterday, and it wasn't quite as horifically incompetent as the rest of his work. Maybe it was the extra money he had this time around, but the movie actually has things like...oh, I don't know, production values, and...crane shots. It's a good long way from being good, but compared to Alone in the Dark, it's... Well, it's better than Alone in the Dark.
If only Ray Liotta hadn't been the evil wizard.
Here's my review, if anybody's interested:
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is, without question, the greatest film ever made by Uwe Boll.
You might wonder who keeps giving him money after House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. Wonder no more: It's the Germans. Under German tax law, Germans who invest in German movies get to write it off on their taxes if the movie tanks. As for how he keeps getting actors, well, as Michael Caine once said, "I have never seen i]Jaws IV[/i, but by all accounts, it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific!"
Whatever the reasons behind it, ITNOTK: ADST is the first Boll movie with Hollywood-level production values, or close enough to it. What can a modern-day Ed Wood do with that kind of money and talent behind him? Read on.
Our story begins with— Okay, I have to stop and say something here.
RAY LIOTTA IS THE EVIL WIZARD.
Just picture this. Start with the guy from Goodfellas, age him a decade or two, give him a pompadour and a frilly, sparkly dress robe, and that's the movie's Malevolent Threat to All Mankind. On top of that, it's impossible to hear his line delivery without busting up laughing; he bugs out his eyes, lisps and whines like the bastard child of Liberace and Skeletor, only not as intimidating. Dungeons & Dragons had better villains, and one of them had blue lipstick.
Anyway, our story begins with RAY LIOTTA IS THE EVIL WIZARD making out with Leelee Sobieski. Eew. It's supposed to be intentionally gross, since he comes across as a slimeball right away, but still; he could be playing Saint Abraham Lincoln, and she'd still be young enough to be his granddaughter.
As we find out eventually, Sobieski is the daughter of Ray Liotta's rival, the royal wizard John Rhys-Davies. While they're making out, the movie randomly cuts to an establishing shot of an entirely different location, then back to them making out, then to John Rhys-Davis overlooking that separate location, remarking that Ray Liotta's "gone too far," and teleporting away.
Before moving on, it's worth mentioning that this movie was cut down at the last minute from four hours to two and a half, and then from two and a half to just two. So there's an outside chance that the eventual director's cut might smooth things out a bit more. Probably not, but hey.
Once Ray Liotta's finished feeling up our heroine, we cut away to the usual Peaceful, Happy, and Highly Flammable Peasant Village, where we meet our hero, a convincingly badass Jason Statham. He's a farmer, named Farmer (we'll get to that), and we find him out in his field, harvesting crops and chucking boomerangs with his young son Zeph. Who should come along but Ron Perlman (who's almost cool enough to negate Ray Liotta, but not quite), an army veteran and friend of the family, who stops by for a visit.
The next several scenes do their job to establish Farmer as a tough-but-caring family man. We meet his wife Solara, parents-in-law, his brother-in-law (who looks like my friend Brandon, so that's what we'll call him), and we learn most of Farmer's back story: Ron Perlman brought him into town as a child, the town adopted him, and he picked the name "Farmer" for himself, believing that "people become what they do," or some such. Not sure how or when his kid became a Zeph, but whatever.
Meanwhile, the movie frequently cuts back to the King's castle, where we learn the following:
- Burt Reynolds is the King.
- Matt Lillard is the King's scheming nephew, and is in cahoots with RAY LIOTTA IS THE EVIL WIZARD.
- Leelee Sobieski is secretly taking swordfighting lessons from the army's Commander, but isn't allowed to join up on account of her gender and her overprotective father.
- Leelee Sobieski is learning magic from RAY FUCKING LIOTTA IS THE EVIL FUCKING WIZARD, but is getting sick of his lecherous ways and stupid, effeminate costume. (Couldn't she just learn magic from her father instead?)
- The army's Commander has a legitimate grudge against Matt Lillard, but can't touch him by law.
- The army's scouts have reported bands of armed Krugs (Orcs) raiding outlying territories. Since Krugs are thought to be dumb animals, no one takes this very seriously yet.
- Ray Liotta is still the evil wizard.
Back to Farmer, who's toiling in the field while his family's out in town. Solara and Zeph are out visiting Brandon and her parents after a day in the marketplace. "They try to take advantage of me, because I'm a woman," Solara says. "So I make them pay more, because I'm a woman."
After the crickets finish chirping, they all decide to head out to the town belltower, where they'll ring the bell to celebrate a nearby wedding. Meanwhile, Farmer spots suspicious movement in the trees around his farm, and gears up for a fight just as — you guessed it — the Krugs come knocking. Ron Perlman shows up and joins in, and say what you want about the rest of the movie, Jason Statham and Ron Perlman know how to kick ass.
In most fantasy and sci-fi films, the bad guys' minions get one scene to shine, usually their first scene, before they're demoted to fodder. This is done to establish them as a credible threat and thus make the later fights against them more exciting. Here, not so much; Statham and Perlman kill every single Krug at the farm without taking a single scratch. (Granted, Perlman's supposed to be a veteran, but the movie goes out of its way to establish that Farmer has no combat experience at all.)
Once they've cleaned house, the two of them charge into the village, where the Krugs are busy burninating the peasants. A few of the peasants, including Brandon, do a halfway-competent job of fighting back, but most are killed or captured. Farmer spots a Krug officer on horseback, giving orders, and takes him out with a flying jump slash. You can learn a lot from picking tomatoes.
Watching and directing the raid is *sigh* Ray Liotta, who can see through the Krug officers' eyes. As Farmer decapitates the nearest officer, Liotta reels back, then laughs. "Wonderful!" he cackles. "A man with spirit!" It sounds dumber than it reads, believe me.
The raid goes on for quite a while, but here's the upshot: Ray Liotta, possessing another officer, kills Farmer's parents-in-law, then goes on to kill Zeph, while Solara and half the town are rounded up and carted away for some unknown purpose. Surprisingly, unlike most films that start off by burning down the hero's hometown, about a quarter of the town, including Brandon, survives to start rebuilding.
Farmer buries his son and parents-in-law. What sticks out about this scene is the music. Film music isn't supposed to stick out; it's meant to complement a scene, not draw attention away from it. But here, the crazy violin music —*apparently intended to represent Farmer's growing grief and anger —*just calls the viewer's undivided attention to itself. The music does this more and more as the film goes on, culminating in an end-credits song that cleared the theater in ten seconds flat. But we'll get to that part.
In short order, King Burt Reynolds rides out to the village personally, complete with his Commander and court wizard, to offer his condolences and call for the surviving men to join the army. Farmer is legitimately pissed off that the army wasn't there to protect them in the first place, and openly turns his back on the King, with Brandon following him away. Being a benevolent and understanding sort of ruler (haven't had one of those in a while), Burt Reynolds lets them go.
Before the army departs, John Rhys-Davies has a mostly off-camera pow wow with Ron Perlman, then approaches Jason Statham with a more diplomatic pitch to join the army. Statham blows him off, and Rhys-Davies lets him go, but not before remarking that the King needs him "more than he knows." If you've figured out the upcoming twist, give yourself a star.
Reasoning that Solara must still be alive, as no one found her body, Farmer, Brandon and Ron Perlman team up to go after her. Farmer knows a shortcut through the nearby woods; unfortunately, the woods are guarded by Cirque du Soleil.
Well, they might as well be Cirque du Soleil; they descend from the trees on vines, striking poses as they go, dressed in Peter Pan outfits and led by Kristinna Loken from Terminator 3 and Bloodrayne. Being woodland dwellers in a fantasy setting, they give the usual "we hate humans because they fight wars" spiel, but then speed the party on their way, on the condition that they never come back. Happy to leave before they break out the Woodland Clowns, Statham and the others depart.
Meanwhile, Ray Liotta poisons the King, who gives an odd prophetic message as he collapses. John Rhys-Davies shows up and (apparently) stalls the poison with his magic. Matt Lillard takes advantage of the King's weakened state and takes a chunk of the army out to join forces with the Krugs. Rhys-Davies berates Leelee Sobieski for letting Ray Liotta get to her, which somehow unbalanced the forces of magic in ways they never really explain. Burt Reynolds shakes off the poison — no, seriously, he's perfectly fine — and leads his army out to catch Matt Lillard and fight off the Krugs. (Given that Matt Lillard's troops are apparently loyal to the King anyway, and are just being duped, you'd think Burt Reynolds would try just sending them a message to come home, but no one thinks to do that.)
And back to Farmer.
Farmer, Brandon and Ron Perlman catch up to the Krug encampment, where the prisoners from the village are held in carts. Killing a few Krug scouts, and using their armor as a disguise, they sneak through the camp, trying to find Solara. The obvious question — "And then what?" — doesn't seem to cross their minds. Plus their disguises are imperfect; the Krugs' helmets might fit, but their rubber masks don't come off. So all three of them are caught, and Brandon and Perlman get tossed in a cage while a Krug officer drags Farmer off for interrogation.
The Krug officer, with Ray Liotta again controlling him, hangs Farmer from a tree, complaining that he can't read Farmer's mind. "You?" he says. "I can't read past your scowl!" (Actually, he says, "scow-el," but you get the idea.) Farmer, being Jason Statham and all, twists around, grabs the officer's sword with his legs, and decapitates him WHILE BEING HANGED, then cuts himself down. Hardcore.
Back to Leelee Sobieski — who hasn't actually done jack squat in this movie so far — as she sits at the mirror, contemplating suicide over her failure to ward off Ray Liotta. Along comes her serving maid, who talks her out of it, and apparently that's enough to flip the switch from "helpless damsel" to "warrior princess."
We immediately cut to Leelee going through the "gearing up for battle" montage, and say what you want about most of the costumes, hers is actually pretty cool-looking from this point on. Once she's fully armed for war, we...cut away to someone else and forget about her for ten more minutes. Bah.
Farmer, who's still lying in the dirt with a rope around his neck, is rescued by John Rhys-Davies, who takes him to meet with the King. Here, Rhys-Davies reveals that twist from before, and see if you've guessed it: Farmer is the King's long-lost son and heir, who went missing as a boy after a bloody siege and was rescued and carried to safety by Ron Perlman. Being our tough-guy hero, Farmer blows off the news and walks away.
The King lets him go again, then berates John Rhys-Davies for knowing the location of his missing son for the last thirty years, but never saying anything about it. Rhys-Davies tries to dodge the issue by saying something about the work of the gods (and, on a side note, the movie has a hard time deciding how many gods there're supposed to be). Burt Reynolds gives the correct answer to that — "What the hell does that mean?" — and Rhys-Davies finally admits that he decided keeping the heir in anonymous safety was the best course of action in a hostile court. Maybe, but seriously — you couldn't at least tell your King that his son wasn't horribly slaughtered?
Anyway, it's battle time, and Farmer decides to stick around and fight. Burt Reynolds and the Commander ride out to face Matt Lillard for the usual pre-battle trash talk. As soon as the King shows up, Lillard's human troops immediately switch over to his side; nonetheless, Lillard promises their total destruction, shouting, "There will be no quarters!" Um, it's quarter, Matt. One quarter. It means mercy.
And it's on.
As the battle begins, Burt Reynolds deploys his secret weapon: Ninjas.
No, seriously. Burt Reynolds has his own personal ninjas.
They're not even sneaky ninjas. These are 80's ninjas, the kind who forgot about stealth and relied on superior numbers. Yeah, those ninjas.
Meanwhile, the Krugs break out their own secret weapon: Catapults.
"Ha!" you might say. "Catapults are for knocking down walls! Who brings catapults to fight in the woods?" And you'd have a legitimate question, but you underestimate their cunning. These catapults aren't for throwing rocks; they're for throwing Krugs.
Who light themselves on fire.
And go flying into a bunch of swords.
This actually works better than you might expect, since all the human troops apparently doused their armor in gasoline, but eventually, the Krugs think better of it and give it a rest.
Meanwhile, a fully-armored Leelee Sobieski rides toward...somewhere. Presumably the battle, but she never gets there, because one of the Krug officers crosses her path. Ready to see her kick some ass?
Too bad. She runs away.
Seriously, they give her armor, weapons, training, and magic powers, and then they have her run away. Lame.
Back to the battle, where Jason Statham pulls off more and more improbable stunts to take out various officers. Meanwhile, Matt Lillard spots Burt Reynolds, locked in combat across the field, and takes out a bow and arrow. In one of the film's few successful gags, he slowly takes aim at the furious-but-distracted warrior, takes his shot — and misses by a mile. Then misses again, and again, until he finally gets a shot in by luck. Burt Reynolds falls wounded, just as Statham decapitates enough Krug brass to force them into a retreat.
Seeing his army scatter, Matt Lillard runs in a random direction — straight into Leelee Sobieski (what are the odds?) who happens to be hanging out in the middle of Cirque du Soleil land (the coincidences keep on coming). Lillard and his bodyguards surround Leelee, who confidently stands her ground. Ready to see her kick some ass?
Sucks to be you. Cirque du Soleil swoops down and takes out her enemies for her. Come on.
They kill Lillard's mooks, but leave him alive (ain't that always the way?), at which point Leelee drags him off to Burt Reynolds' camp.
A mortally wounded Burt Reynolds crams in some last-minute father-son time before kicking off. At that moment, Leelee shows up with Matt Lillard in tow. By way of an execution, the army's Commander challenges Lillard to a duel, and defeats him easily, but just before he can finish Lillard off, the call goes out that the King is dead. Lillard instantly declares himself King (even though the entire army saw him shoot the last King in plain sight), and the Commander...goes along with it.
Come on, Commander. This is a guy who you've always hated, who's hidden behind technicalities his whole life, who killed the rightful King you've always been loyal to — which law are you supposedly bound to here? Show a little character growth and just whack him anyway, for the greater good!
But just when it looks like everyone's about to submit to his self-coronation, John Rhys-Davies shows up with the announcement that Farmer (whose birth name is apparently Camden) is now the rightful King. You'd think the Commander would seize the opportunity to just finish Matt Lillard on the spot — he's a traitor and a murderer who just lost his trial by combat — but no; the guards just drag Lillard away, never to be seen again. Seriously, the movie just forgets about him. Again, maybe the director's cut will fix that. Maybe.
Oh, and back to Brandon, Ron Perlman, and Solara; the Krugs cart them off to Ray Liotta's Mordor-esque stronghold, where Perlman dreads becoming a slave. As soon as the Krugs pull the cart inside and open it, Perlman grabs a weapon and starts to fight, with Brandon joining in. Everyone in the cart makes a run for it —*never mind that there's no place to run —*and, a few seconds later, Perlman's killed in combat, and everyone else is recaptured. Bah.
Back in what's now King Farmer's camp, they prepare to attack Ray Liotta's evil stronghold, where a much bigger army awaits. John Rhys-Davies suggests a surgical strike to take out Liotta himself, and Farmer, being our hero, volunteers to lead the strike personally. Leelee Sobieski, who up until this point hasn't even met our hero, introduces herself and asks to come along. Farmer agrees to that, especially when Leelee brings in extra backup: The Terminator chick from the Cirque du Soleil team.
So, with Rhys-Davies as their guide, the four of them make the trek through the mountains toward the evil stronghold, and if you thought this movie borrowed from Lord of the Rings before, here's where Boll pulls out all the stops. All the spinning pans and swoops across the mountaintops here are practically shot-for-shot from their source material — and hey, they even have Gimli here. Anyway, they approach a secret entrance to the stronghold, just as the army prepares to meet the Krugs on the field.
Meanwhile, Ray Liotta discovers that Solara is Farmer's wife (and that she's pregnant, which she didn't know), then holds her hostage in his study while he prepares for the battle. And if you thought he sounded whiny before, wait until you hear him monologuing here.
Anyway, the strike team reaches a deep gorge, beyond which is an air vent leading into the back of the stronghold. John Rhys-Davies volunteers to go first and talk some reason into Ray Liotta, and if you know where that's going, give yourself...well, half a star. He teleports into Ray Liotta's...training room, apparently, with various swords along the wall, and Liotta shows up to challenge him.
Admittedly, this scene is kind of cool. Rhys-Davies and Liotta circle each other, calmly trading words, while at the same time using their powers to pull swords off the wall and have them fight in midair. Of course, no one but the hero can kill the villain, and so Liotta overwhelmes Rhys-Davies and mortally wounds him.
Back on the battlefield, Liotta summons a giant thundercloud to intimidate his enemies (and to make the battle look more like Helm's Deep), then sends his troops up the hill. Commence long, wet, dark, shaky-cam fight scene —*and, since none of the important characters are there, that's all we need to say about that.
Farmer, Leelee, and the Terminator chick concoct a plan to get themselves into the stronghold by throwing a rope helluva far, then swinging across the gorge, flying face-first into the opposite cliff, and hoping to grab onto something. Farmer and the Terminator chick make the first swing, and Farmer actually succeeds at all this, but the Terminator chick apparently chickened out, because she's back on their side of the gorge the next time we see her, and after that, she just kinda wanders off and leaves the movie. Leelee, meanwhile just stands there — until she hears her father's voice, and teleports to his side (her first successful teleportation, apparently). Rhys-Davies gives the usual proud goodbye, promotes her to Magus, and gives her the last of his power. Okay, now she's ready to kick some ass.
Hold that thought.
Farmer finds Liotta in his study, exchanges a few words, and gets the boss fight rolling. As you watch this scene, pay attention to Liotta's movements; Statham clearly knows how to fight, but Liotta's just constantly backing off, trying not to drop his sword. They try to hide it with editing and special effects, but yeah; Ray Liotta can't swordfight for shit.
After trading several blows, Ray Liotta remembers that he's still the evil wizard, and starts attacking with magic instead. Farmer chides Ray Liotta about his honor, and apparently this works, because Liotta starts using a sword again.
Of course, once Farmer gets the upper hand, Liotta just uses his magic to press the "Win" button, paralyzing Farmer and surrounding him with a torrent of...well, books, of all things. And, with the hero at his mercy, he...yeah, he monologues. Long enough for Leelee Sobieski to show up, all juiced up with the power of the world's greatest wizard.
Ready to see her kick some ass now?
Sure you're ready?
She throws one wimpy-ass Hadoken. Which distracts Liotta just long enough for Solana to stab him in the back. That distracts him long enough for Farmer to break out of the spell and finish him off. Woo.
At Liotta's death, the Krugs immediately revert to dumb, docile animals, wandering off the battlefield and letting the captive Brandon go. Everybody wins, and Farmer and Solana make out right next to Ray Liotta's corpse. Pan over to the window, where the barren wasteland dissolves to a lush, green wonderland.
And then cue that terribly corny song over the end credits.
You know, I've seen worse. Especially from Uwe Boll. For all this movie's flaws and unintentional comedy, it's more than I thought he was capable of, and I'm actually interested to see the director's cut. If it wasn't for the horrible miscasting of Ray Liotta, the movie'd be much more watchable; even Burt Reynolds, while not the best choice to play a pseudo-English King, gets away with most of his dignity intact.
Yeah, it's formulaic, the editing's choppy, and half the actors are wasted in roles that either aren't written well or don't give them anything to do. But, again, if that's the worst I can say about an Uwe Boll movie, he's come a long way.
On a scale of one to ten smashes, one being a knightly salute and ten being a horrific beating with one of those Krugs' giant clubs, Grombar gives In the Name of the King eight smashes.
And one more thing: Even though Eragon got fewer smashes, on account of being more technically proficient, I enjoyed watching this movie more. Make of that what you will.
Anyone else seen it?
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You could bundle it in
I would be pissed if I were German. I have to help pay for road repairs and stuff, and Uwe Boll doesn't because he makes shitty movies? Fuck that.
Ah, fair point. Done.
Sort of. Apparently, the way it works is that Germany tries to encourage its film industry by giving tax breaks to investors; if you invest in a movie there, and the movie tanks, you can write the losses off on your taxes.
The loophole they used to have was that it didn't say you had to invest in a German movie. So Germans would throw money at Hollywood, not caring whether or not the movie was any good, because they pretty much came out ahead either way. Hollywood used to call German money "dumb money," for that reason.
Since they closed that loophole, Germans only get the tax break if they invest in movies made by other Germans. Unfortunately, that includes Uwe Boll, so he still pretty much gets all the money he wants. In fact, he has less competition now, which might be how he got all the money for Dungeon Siege.
And so Uwe's abominations were born.
Fixed for great justice.
Might be a fun movie to watch when it is out for a couple of euro's just to make fun of it.
It was both the first and the last Uwe Boll movie I will ever see.
Meatloaf makes that movie worth watching. Hilarious.
Yeah, whoever he wanted love from demanded that he do "that," so he went with a bunch of Romanian hookers instead.
DAMN FUCKING STRAIGHT!
pleasepaypreacher.net
I thought the black guy said, "no quarter." Like, correctly.
Dammit, now I have to watch it again.
No he did say it correctly. Just Lillards character would be so stupid to say quarters as part of his dumb assery. Like one guy says No quarter to one up him the other guy would be like "Yeah no quarters either!"
pleasepaypreacher.net
It'll be interesting to see if he really enjoys making films, or if he's just been in it for the money.
I shall never again disrespect film critics, knowing what visual abortions they must submit themselves to.
MWO: Adamski
Postal & Zombie Massacre
MWO: Adamski
I'd be more tempted if Leelee and/or Kristanna had gratuitous nudity, Bloodrayne-style. I cracked up laughing at the dungeon sex scene.
I mean, seriously. PG-13? Uwe, Uwe... Roger Corman never fucking made PG-13 flicks. Doing extreme shit is your one big draw. Use it.
I saw a trailer for Postal and it looks so bad that its good.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=TaNoQCokHo8
Did I get it right!?
Sure. LOTR was filmed in the paradise on earth that is New Zealand. Uwe Boll has been banned from our fair shores on pain of death