Delayed Onset Adult Syndrome (Classic H/A)

coldbird.

So, I'm 21, my sister's 23. She's been working since she was 17, I probably got my first 'real job' at 20. She hasn't been working as of late, leaving her bills to be payed by my mother, who works 72 hours a week and barely manages to keep a roof over her 3 children's heads (father is 80-90% out of the picture).

I feel hypocritical chastising her for this, as I've only starting working very recently, and living properly for only the slightest flash of time, but as I have finally found myself to be drawing closer to being an actual 'grown-up' and whatnot, I see her lifestyle as completely fucked up beyond all repair.

Typical week for her as of late: wake up at 6-7 p.m., myspace/facebook/aim through the night. Pull an all nighter on saturday nights to be at church at 8 a.m on sundays.

Back when she had a job, she'd go out every night, come home around 2-3 a.m. myspace/facebook/aim through the night. sleep at 5am-5pm. 2 classes at a community college roughly every semester over the course of 5 years or so.

Never touches the dishes ("I don't eat at home/those aren't my plates, why should I do the dishes?" "Because your mom works 72 fucking hours a week, and she never asked you that while you grew up, did she? and you drink liquids, don't you?)

Never cleans up around the house. Doesn't care to learn how to cook/eats out as much as possible. (don't take this in a sexist way, I'd be perfectly happy splitting the workload in half).

I want her to actually feel embarrassed about how she lives her life at 23, as I am at 21 as I attempt to correct myself. I want her to want to learn and have a zest for life beyond the trickles of comments on fuckspace or moping over disinterested men. Low blow, but why would someone want a girl like you? Look at your fucking lifestyle.

Again, though, I feel every bit hypocritical, as I've maintained a similarly fucked up lifestyle between 16-20, squandering my prospects of an above mediocre college/ruining my current college education, etc., playing Diablo 2/SWG/WoW.

I guess, looking back at myself/at my sister, I see is at a form of escapism from a fucked up and retardedly dreary life, but fuck, it only fucking ends when you act against it and steel-toe that motherfucker.

Also, it doesn't help that I can't hold a serious conversation with my sister. It just feels awkward. The brunt of our conversations is basically us calling each other faggots(in a playful manner) and small talk, usually.

Recently, I got the nerve to mutter a few words: "I want to say something, between 2 adults. I hate your lifestyle. And not just because you're not working at the moment. I know it's probably hyprocritical of me to say this as I've only recently begun to work and live properly, but..."

And basically she replies with "but I've been working since I was 17..."

"Yeah and? What have you spent that money on? Aside from a few small bills, you've spent it on yourself. Eating out, clothes. Mom's never asked us for help with rent/groceries. Fuck."

And that's how the conversation ended.

So I guess my question is this: I've mentioned my distate for my sister's lifestyle, is it out of my hands? Should I just concern myself with my own life/bettering myself/attempt to move out?

Deviant Hands

By the time a person has gotten that old, there is very little you could do to change where they are going in life. They must be the change they wish to see in the world. Nothing you can do.

Uncle Long

You're not going to be changing her mind anytime soon. My advice would be to move out on your own as soon as you can. When you start paying your own rent and buying all of your own food and aren't in your mother's house I could see your argument having a little more credence. Oh, and the "I've been working since I was 17," thing is a crock. I've had a job since I was twelve. Granted I was a yo-yo instructor who taught classes and went around to schools and corporate events and put on shows; but I got my paycheck at the end of the week and, even then, gave half of it to my mother who was doing her best to support us and get out of the shitty trailer park we were living in at the time as well as drive me around to all of the stupid shit I had to do just to have the job in the first place.

You want to change and that's great. I suggest you keep working at yourself and, if you want to talk to your sister about her style of life then make sure you don't mention or indicate that you're any better than she is in anyway. In fact, it might not matter what you say. If you have your mother on your side, it might hit home a little harder. Either way, I agree she needs to clean up her act. She sounds a bit depressed and has a skewed sense of entitlement, from what you've written.

Also, it helps to get this shit off your chest, even if it is to a message board. It helps more if you can just talk to her or your mother about it. Don't be forceful, just be assertive.

starmanbrand

Honestly? I find writing letters to be effective in this situation. If you have a problem with someone, I find it is easier to list your problems formally and let them be aware that you dislike these habits. Hopefully they will take note of them as negative traits when actually read.

And even if she doesn't take heed, you will have written it out and feel a little better about it.

If you do write the letter, don't come off as a dick in any way shape or form. Do not bring her down. Just note the things she does. Perhaps even solutions if you can do it without being a cock.

DrFrylock

Is your Mom mute? It is not your job to defend your Mom from your sister's behavior that your Mom is enabling. Your Mom is older than both of you and can defend herself.

Comahawk

Who cares if she worked since she was 17? I've been working since I was 14 (I'm 22 now), full time in the summers and even a lot during my months at school.

That is the worst excuse ever for screwing someone else over. Your mother should threaten to cut her off unless she gets her shit in order.

GameHat

It takes two people to enable - one is the enabler

If your mother is enabling your sister's stunted lifestyle; well you can't control that. Tell your mother how it's bullshit, tell your sister how it's bullshit.

Then move out and start your own life.

I have plenty of fucked up family relationships in my own life; in my experience you can't change them through reasoning. It's sad, but so it goes. Tell them the truth. If they listen? Great. If not? You will probably never change their minds.

So just cut your losses, get independent, and move on.

DodgeBlan

Do you actually contribute to the house's finances?

coldbird.

DrFrylock wrote: »

Is your Mom mute?

No, but there is a language barrier.

Do you actually contribute to the house's finances?

Yes.

urahonky

My sister is doing the same exact thing. Fortunately we are able to get her to pay $120 a month for rent, but to compensate that she ends up "borrowing" our stuff without our knowledge or consent (she just up and took my GameCube and about 8 games to her new bf's house, and left it there for a month... Even after I repeatedly asked for them back).

I wish I could help, but I just wanted to say that whatever you do to make it work, let me know. I'm open to trying anything unless it's punching her in the mouth. :P

witch_ie

I would advise you to just worry about yourself. From what you've said, nothing that you can do is going to make your sister change her lifestyle. In fact, talking to her about it might make her defensive and cling to it even more. It's hard when you grow up and others around you don't, but you can't force them to make that same leap anymore than anyone else could have forced you.

Just do what you think is right and maybe she'll see what you're doing and come around on her own.

PirateJon

GameHat wrote: »

Then move out and start your own life.

So just cut your losses, get independent, and move on.

This.