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A half-bone might have just ruined things with my best friend
Predator
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be prepared for a tl;dr
Ok so basically, I live with my best friend right now. I meet her through a friend from high school who I lost touch with, but her and I became super close after they broke up.
Now this isnt one of those "oh god I'm secretly in love with her but can never tell her how I feel" type things, I genuinely care about her and she's like a sister to me.
I know I mean a hell of a lot to her, and am one of the only people she's completely comfortable around. As usual she could "never see me in that way", but thats no problem
So anyways, last night we got home from the bar, we were both pretty drunk. Usually when we've drunk we just play fight or something as equally silly. she was sitting on the ground trying to move the breakfast table which I was cutting some food on.
I went over and tried to drag her back, accidently grabbing her tits etc. So I go back up to continue cutting, not even realizing I had a half bone from it, but because she was sitting on the ground she noticed.
Basically it went like
her:"eeew I can see you're hard on"
me:"meh, i grabbed your tits what do you expect"
her: (in her sarcastic joking voice) "I can never see you the same way again"
from there nothing was out of place from any other time we chill except that she was calling me "halfie"
So we both go to bed. She goes to work the next day, I had the day off.
She gets home from work. Doesnt look at me, ignores me, just goes between the bathroom and her room getting ready, with her headphones on. I ask whats wrong it basically goes like this
her: I cant look at you or talk to you right now.
me: what the fuck, are you actually making a big deal out of it.
her: yes I am, so give me my fucking space
so I to my room, she avoids even looking at me, I grab my stuff and leave the house for my dads.
I call her oldest friend, who I knew she would have talked to and asked what the fuck.
She basically agreed with me that she's overreacting.
So I realized a bit later that I forgot my keys when I rage-left, so I texted her saying "its fine and great that you're pissed at me but I forgot my keys, can you leave them outside"
She texted me back with the following.
Now before I say this part, there is one things about her childhood which plays into why she's acting like this.
She was sexually abused by her stepfather growing up, which still effects her sometimes, and I'm one of the few people she's told this.
So her response was "Im not pissed at you. I feel violated and involuntarily angry with you. i dont know if I can ever look at you the same. I dont like how its affected our friendship, but I need time to get over it"
I responded told her that I was really sorry, and that it genuinely ment nothing. And if she could promise me this wont affect our friendship, to which she reponded with "I dont know"
I then told her to just take as much time as she needed and to call me when she could. And that her friendship ment a lot to me.
Anyways, that was about 4 hours ago, she just texted me again saying she doesnt know if she can ever look at me the same way again, that it was "fucked up" and that she "cant control it".
I told her I couldnt begin to understand how her history affected her but she was overreacting. It ment nothing, and that she knows I cant see her in that way, and that it was totally involuntary.
Then she gets pissed saying that I have no right telling her she is overreacting and that I should give her her "fucking space".
And "INVOLUNTARY? Fuck you, dont give me that shit, you sound like Steve (the stepfather). Sick".
So yea, this is where I'm at now.
The only thing I can really think of anything other than just giving her her space, and just really hope this will blow over.
I can see why she's acting like she is. I guess because I'm like a brother to her, and (in her mind) was sexually aroused by her, she equates it to her stepfather.
But am I right to think she is overreacting?
blarg. Sorry for the spew of text and poor grammar. I'm just at my wits end here.
Ok so basically, I live with my best friend right now. I meet her through a friend from high school who I lost touch with, but her and I became super close after they broke up.
Now this isnt one of those "oh god I'm secretly in love with her but can never tell her how I feel" type things, I genuinely care about her and she's like a sister to me.
I know I mean a hell of a lot to her, and am one of the only people she's completely comfortable around. As usual she could "never see me in that way", but thats no problem
So anyways, last night we got home from the bar, we were both pretty drunk. Usually when we've drunk we just play fight or something as equally silly. she was sitting on the ground trying to move the breakfast table which I was cutting some food on.
I went over and tried to drag her back, accidently grabbing her tits etc. So I go back up to continue cutting, not even realizing I had a half bone from it, but because she was sitting on the ground she noticed.
Basically it went like
her:"eeew I can see you're hard on"
me:"meh, i grabbed your tits what do you expect"
her: (in her sarcastic joking voice) "I can never see you the same way again"
from there nothing was out of place from any other time we chill except that she was calling me "halfie"
So we both go to bed. She goes to work the next day, I had the day off.
She gets home from work. Doesnt look at me, ignores me, just goes between the bathroom and her room getting ready, with her headphones on. I ask whats wrong it basically goes like this
her: I cant look at you or talk to you right now.
me: what the fuck, are you actually making a big deal out of it.
her: yes I am, so give me my fucking space
so I to my room, she avoids even looking at me, I grab my stuff and leave the house for my dads.
I call her oldest friend, who I knew she would have talked to and asked what the fuck.
She basically agreed with me that she's overreacting.
So I realized a bit later that I forgot my keys when I rage-left, so I texted her saying "its fine and great that you're pissed at me but I forgot my keys, can you leave them outside"
She texted me back with the following.
Now before I say this part, there is one things about her childhood which plays into why she's acting like this.
She was sexually abused by her stepfather growing up, which still effects her sometimes, and I'm one of the few people she's told this.
So her response was "Im not pissed at you. I feel violated and involuntarily angry with you. i dont know if I can ever look at you the same. I dont like how its affected our friendship, but I need time to get over it"
I responded told her that I was really sorry, and that it genuinely ment nothing. And if she could promise me this wont affect our friendship, to which she reponded with "I dont know"
I then told her to just take as much time as she needed and to call me when she could. And that her friendship ment a lot to me.
Anyways, that was about 4 hours ago, she just texted me again saying she doesnt know if she can ever look at me the same way again, that it was "fucked up" and that she "cant control it".
I told her I couldnt begin to understand how her history affected her but she was overreacting. It ment nothing, and that she knows I cant see her in that way, and that it was totally involuntary.
Then she gets pissed saying that I have no right telling her she is overreacting and that I should give her her "fucking space".
And "INVOLUNTARY? Fuck you, dont give me that shit, you sound like Steve (the stepfather). Sick".
So yea, this is where I'm at now.
The only thing I can really think of anything other than just giving her her space, and just really hope this will blow over.
I can see why she's acting like she is. I guess because I'm like a brother to her, and (in her mind) was sexually aroused by her, she equates it to her stepfather.
But am I right to think she is overreacting?
blarg. Sorry for the spew of text and poor grammar. I'm just at my wits end here.
Predator on
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You told her it was an accident; it sounds like you intentions are pure friendship.
If she has a problem with it? Well, you can't change that.
Just reiterate that you want to keep her as a friend; if she still has horrible issues in the past with abuse or whatever you can't do jack about it.
Just keep reiterating to her that you really like her (AS A FRIEND, of course) and hopefully your platonic relationship will last.
If it doesn't, it's not your fault, don't beat yourself up about it.
Joking aside, there's not much to be done other than maintaining the fact that it was (mostly) involuntary. She's probably weirded out due to the combination of her history and the implication that you are attracted to her, with the former being a pretty big component.
I'd just do what you are doing and wait it out - I'm pretty defeatist though when it comes to dealing with some ladies. Sure, guys can be dicks / nonsensical in their own right, but other men aren't going to bother with being around you if you make a habit of it.
Or...you can try more explanations. For example, I can't explain the reason behind half of my spontaneous erections. Sometimes it just happens - too bad you were copping a feel at the time.
Also, you may want to evaluate whether you actually are attracted to her. I used to play fight with a female roommate all the time. Then we actually hooked up, and ruined the whole damned relationship. But the hookup was really just the final step of an attraction that was always there, but neither one of us were prepared to deal with.
edit: BTW, what the fuck happened between that night and the next morning? From your writing is sounds like she was amused at the whole thing at first, then woke up feeling like she had been assaulted. What gives?
I don't really know what you should do but don't hound her about it, that will definitely make it worse.
Give her more time.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Havent you ever been drunk, made out with some girl, and then later felt ashamed? Yeah, its probably the same way for her, after she got sober, she probably felt terrible about it.
Not that this is a valid reaction for this situation.
What i would do, personally, is leave her alone for a couple days, a week, or however long it takes her to calm the fuck down. Because right now all youre doing is stirring up shit, which is going to end well for neither of you.
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Also, everyone above me in this thread is a total moron except for dogdeblan. Way to not have a clue, fellas.
She asked for space so she can get over it. Just stop bothering her, and give her some space.
Seriously...she's been molested before...try to empathize and understand why she might be a little hysterical from finding a correlation between that moment and the current one...as tenuous as it may be.
So should I leave a note when I get there? Just to say whats up? Ill leave out the whole I'm sorry, its involuntary thing, but just detail that I'm going to give her the space she needs and the time and to call me whenever she's ready to talk.
Or should I pass on leaving the note?
Just stay out of her way, don't come down hard with the "FOOOOOOOOOOORGIIIIVEEE MEEEEE" and she will probably forgive you.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Now you are the one overreacting
Leaving would be bad.
(If you are pissed, better quit that right now - it ain't helping anything.)
But let her calm down on her own and work on it from a "cooler heads prevail" point of view.
I also resent the comment that I'm a moron. I'm a teacher at a charter school for troubled kids. I am familiar with abuse. However, there is a difference between being victimized and just plain being one. Abuse, amongst other horrible things that happen to people outside of their control, can be a reason, but it is never an excuse. At the end of the day, we always choose how to face life, even if we can't control life itself.
She needs an understanding friend, right now. That doesn't mean that she shouldn't be told that this is not a normal or well-measured reaction, nor that reacting like this hurts you just as much as she is hurt. Give her time to cool off, then talk about it. Don't act like nothing happened, because something did happen, it was not pleasant for either one of you, and ignoring it will just give you both the sense that this is something normal that can happen again without consequences.
But yea - not to sound dramatic here - I dont really know if its temporary, or if it permanent psychological damage.
She did take down all the photos of me/us on the fridge =\
If you just sit quiet and let her burn through it, while you're still around, she should realize that she's not being rational. If she does decide to talk about it, emphasize that penises get hard for a bunch of reasons, not just because of sex, and that it's unfair of her to accuse you of being on par with an incestuous pedophile.
https://medium.com/@alascii
So much wisdom. One's eyes may be temporarily blinded by the amount of lime I had to use.
I'd add one more thing. Both you and her were drunk. That'd be no excuse if you had done something horrible to her (like beat her up, or raped her or something), but that wasn't the case. In a drunken stupor, you accidentally touched her inappropriately. And in a drunken stupor, you were unable to restrain certain bodily functions. Functions that, it should be noted, you both felt bad about afterwords and didn't take to any "crossing into bad behavior" territory (such as trying to touch her again on purpose this time, or other things that would've turned it from an accident to an intentional situation). In a rational world, you would be forgiven... perhaps even praised for having the calm of mind despite being drunk to not do something that many drunk people might do: which is to try it again, or make a pass when they felt that sensation come out of nowhere. Not that what happened was a good thing, but your response to the accidental touching (and the involuntary reaction your little friend had) was as mature and composed as would be possible in the situation.
Hell, drunk people have been known to piss and shit themselves. They didn't will that to happen either, just like you didn't will this to happen. It's a bodily function paired with an accident that happened due to loss of coordination when you're drunk, it's not like you intentionally or maliciously did it.
Give her the space she needs, but DON'T kick yourself for this, or linger in feeling bad that it happened. You don't deserve to: it was really nothing. If, after a few weeks or even a month, she hasn't forgiven you or still treats you differently, you'll know something that you didn't before: that she's entirely irrational, or too imbalanced to hold a sustainable friendship with a man at this time in her life. If it wasn't this, it could've been something else in the future that she'd blow out of proportion. If she continues to hold this grudge against you for a long time, chances are she was a timebomb waiting to go off. There would have been little you could've done to prevent it, and one slip-up of any minor origin would have brought you into the same spot you're in now.
So give it time, and do wait it out (because indeed, she needs time to think about what happened, settle down, and analyze the situation to come to the same conclusion... if she doesn't have that time, she's going to make judgements based on her immediate feelings of the situation, which helps neither you nor her) see if she can be friends again... and if it looks like she really can't, don't kick yourself over it.
EDIT: And after the dust settles, maybe as a friend you could try and help her seek out help for what happened to her when she was younger. This may have brought to the surface something that she was trying to repress instead of deal with... and if anyone's going to help her find the aid she needs to deal with that problem, it'll be her friends. Again, if she allows you to still be her friend. Irrational or not, that choice will have to be hers and will take time. (but like I said, remember even if she decides not to be that in reality the whole event was an accident. Going into a depression over something you had only the tinest inkling of control over wouldn't be good for you.)
The reason i moved in with her is to hang out with her all the time, which we did. Where we live is far from my family, friends and work, so if things are the way they are now, than there really is no point in me staying there.
She says she has no control which situations freak her out, and these are one of them.
So I dunno. I guess Ill just have to sit it out and hope we can work it out.
The guy clearly is giving the girl space. I don't see why you'd jump all over him for coming here and asking for advice. Honestly, if you're going to dole out that kind of "advice" I don't see why you'd even bother posting. That kind of attitude just scares people away from asking for advice which is extremely counter-intuitive to what this forum is about.
I don't think she expects you to be a completely asexual human being, and if she does, perhaps you should reconsider your friendship with her. You are a guy, you don't have to make excuses or made to feel bad for getting a boner every now and then, especially during play.
Don't move out though. That's just retarded.
If you guys are as close as you've stated, then just follow the advice already given and make yourself scarce for a bit.
She needs time to process the fact that you are indeed a sexual creature, and not a eunuch. not to be condescending to the girl, we never really know what past traumas will do.
The key is to be understanding to her needs, and not over-think things and over-react yourself.
I've got full confidence that friends as close as you seem to be can get over something like this, and this falls under the "temporary insanity" category.
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But it's imperative that you make sure nothing weird happens soon after your return, ie stuff that will set her off again. That will destroy it completely.
Of course she has control over it. The whole "I don't have any control over it" thing is just an excuse to escape responsibility.
Healthy, normal human beings have the ability to choose how to respond to stimuli from their environment. It's called willpower. If she wants to make a big deal out of it, she will. That doesn't imply lack of control in any meaning of the word however.
They should continue, hell it wasn't his "fault".
Also, rape doesn't hurt so she should just get over it and stop whining, mirite?
If somebody punches you, you can't will the pain away. If something makes you feel scared or angry, you can't just say "no, I'm not going to feel that way" and go on about your business. All you can do is choose how you deal with those emotions -- which is what she's doing, in a pretty mature way. Telling him to reconsider his friendship with her because she had an emotional reaction due to past abuse as if it's somehow her fault is a pretty dickish thing to say.
Contradiction?
Regardless of whether you agree with that, saying that her emotions are invalid will not improve the situation in any way.
I'm sorry, was she raped? No? Then I don't see how your first sentence is relevant. But hey throw it out there as a red herring because that's the popular thing to do amirite?!
If someone punches you, you can't will the pain away, but you can use your willpower to decide against punching them back. Punching them back and then yelling "omg I'm sorry I'm so not in control" is dumb.
So telling him to reconsider his friendship with her due to her reaction is not OK, but her reconsidering her friendship with him and telling him things will never be the same, and trying to make him feel like shit in general is? Please. The girl is very clearly showing an irrational reaction to an accidental boob grabbing that happened during play. Unless she has some sort of history with physical or sexual abuse, it is completely unwarranted and comes across as incredibly selfish and immature.
Honestly, "mature" would be the last word I'd use to describe her behavior.
Dude, read the thread. It was already stated that the girl was molested by her father when she was little. So, yeah, freaking out might be somewhat understandable.