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Avoiding Sex
Alternateaccount
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Registered User new member
I have a problem, I am a freshmen in college and I had been a virgin up until Halloween of this year. Unfortunately, I made the mistake again tonight. I am religious and I don't want to have sex again until I am married or at least in a long term steady relationship. I am asking you humbly to help me to having sex. I really regret it but during it I just get overtaken by desire.
The only thing I have come up with is stop drinking, which is slightly difficult for me because I am on a sports team.
The only thing I have come up with is stop drinking, which is slightly difficult for me because I am on a sports team.
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― Marcus Aurelius
Path of Exile: themightypuck
You're religious, you can do slightly difficult. Man, if you're serious about not wanting to have premarital sex any more, you've got to stop putting yourself into situations that give you the chance. Don't take your pants off, wear a belt, and dude, you've got to stop drinking. You have to stop drinking. If the drink is what's getting you into trouble, then the drink is what you have to ditch.
Stop going to the parties if that's where you get into trouble, or leave early. Drink water.
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― Marcus Aurelius
Path of Exile: themightypuck
You can't compromise your beliefs because someone might make fun of you, if you do then there is no point. You either go all out or don't bother.
STEAM
Man - I dont buy the whole "I just cant help it" thing. I'm sorry if this doesn't put forward any magical technique or anything - but dude its just self control. This, you should work on. Otherwise whats stopping you from being in a relationship and then getting drunk round some other girls and "not being able to control yourself"?
I'm not qualified to comment on the difficulty you're having reconciling religious beliefs with your lifestyle, but if its something you dont want to do... Don't do it.
Look - I know this sounds harsh, but take responsibility for your actions. The second you stop trying to pretend you didn't have a choice - is the second that it all becomes very easy.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. It happens.
best advice ever
https://medium.com/@alascii
Limed for truthiness.
Seriously, in one semester of college you've gotten drunk and fucked twice. Either you stop partying and drinking until you can get it under control, or you accept you like sex and alcohol and enjoy it (hopefully in moderation).
There's a lot of churches and youth groups in college. Just because you play sports doesn't mean you have to be "that guy"
Can I just say that while I agree with "you don't accidentally fuck someone", the rest is a bit of an indicator that you don't know what you're talking about coming from the "religion + sex" slant of things, which is fine, since you may or may not be a religious person. So I'll address that portion.
Coming from the same perspective as the OP, it is incredibly hard to resist the urge to have sex once "the motor is running". As VC says, you don't "accidentally" have sex with someone, it builds up until you convince yourself to go through with it. "Okay, we've moved to the bedroom, that's fine, we can still stop", "Okay, our shirts are off, this is as far as it goes", "Alright, now our pants are off..." etc. etc.
It starts off with kissing, then you get into some tongue involvement, hand up a shirt, shirt comes off, etc. etc. etc. It's hard to stop on a dime especially if you haven't had a lot of experience, sexually.
What worked for me is the following:
1) Try and ease up on the alcohol. I know it's easy to blame it for you actions, but the fact is, it does silence/muffle the voice in your head that says "this isn't a good idea".
2) Don't get hot and heavy with someone who is unaware of your religious convictions. Be up front about them. Alot of folks will consider this a turn off, but at least they'll be understanding if you do get a little too hot and heavy.
3) Everyone has varying degrees of "acceptable sexual behaviour", so talk about it ahead of time. I've cut off a couple of encounters and left my girlfriend at the time offended because I stopped. She felt like it was a personal attack on her that she was somehow dirty since her line of acceptable actions was different from mine. So it's always ALWAYS a good idea to make sure the person is aware of your religious beliefs and that you set a cut-off point.
4) For example, things progress over time while you're "making out", so one "rule" to decide on ahead of time is "pants stay on". It's incredible hard (pardon the pun) to have sex through two pairs of jeans, for example.
5) If you've got a roommate, and you've got your boyfriend/girlfriend over, stay away from the bedroom, or if you do go in there, keep the door slightly ajar. It'll give you privacy, but as well, it'll be in the back of your mind that the door is technically open. It's pretty much a bad idea to just be alone at your house/apartment/etc.
When it all boils down to it, it's all about Self-Control, and that's one of the things that religious people need to keep adament about. Alcohol erodes your self-control, this is a fact. Try and avoid it, or just "socially drink" and not get hammered.
Hopefully the above has been helpful. I've learned the above the hard way, but it is possible to be responsible and resist the urge/avoid the situations.
Make those decisions, state those decisions, and if you feel pressured, get out of the situation.
Just like everyone has said, you don't accidentally have sex.
You guys just make no sense. No, seriously.
What animal EVER does not want to have sex? The principle, primary motivation for LIFE is to propigate the species. The species must survive! And since you're a vertibrate animal, you have an even bigger motivation - it is YOUR propigation, your DNA which must survive, preferably at the expense of all other males.
And being a member of Homo Sapiens thirty eight years after we hairless apes first walked on the Moon, you have the option NOT to propigate - this is a glorious thing! I can have sex, which is enourmously fulfilling, and downright fun, and I dont have to have kids unless I want 'em! This is GREAT! I hit puberty more than 20 years ago, I've been happily knocking boots with some reaaally great women (and a few that were a bad idea - ok, live and learn) and I've only produced one kid! And the cool thing about that kid - I got to choose when I was ready! Cause I sure as hell wasnt ready for daddyhood when I was a teenager, or even in my twenties. Being a father is great, and you know what, so is being married. In fact, having sex with someone you love beats the hell out of sex with somebody.
But its still a whole heapa fun.
And had I tried surpressing the urge - as you are - I would have eventually exploded - and I wouldnt have known how to handle it. As often happens with kids who try abstinence - recent study said that religious girls were more likely to loose their virginity, and loose it earlier that those girls who werent particularly relgious. Why? Same reason the Victorians were such pervs, because surpression inhances desire. You dont deal with your desire in a natural, healthy way, you want it more.
Its this sort of thing that made me stop dating Christian women; gimme a pagan woman any day of the week. All the sex, none of the guilt.
See, I don't see where you're disagreeing with anything I said. Except that I left room for the possibility of maintaining his religious affiliations even if he doesn't agree with every last bit of dogma. "Re-evaluate your beliefs" doesn't mean "jump on the atheist-bandwagon we've got crack and hookers!". There's not going to be a religious debate here, this isn't D&D.
Because, if you have the ability, in that drunk state to think 'I have to use a condom' you also have the ability to think 'My religion says no'
Thats just my opinion, anyway.
My advice? Stop drinking. Being on a sports team should mean you respect yourself not to binge drink anyway.
But do so sober. You’ll have a better and safer sex.
The point is, if you don't believe in it, you won't practice control with it when it is crunch time. Period. If you aren't to blame for your own actions, then who is? Not some substance, I tell you.
There's no middle ground here. You either doing it or not doing it. No pun intended. And you, sir, seem to be doing it.
You see, this here tells me you don't believe in not having premarital sex, clearly. What's the point in doing something if you don't believe in it, and don't think it is good for you?
I can tell you, straight up, that you will not be as motivated if your end-goal is some random marker as opposed to something you can relate to on a different level. Something like, I won't have sex with someone if I know I'm going to regret it is more feasible. Do that.
[EDIT]
Uh, what sport do you play? Last I heard, beer is unnecessary liquid carbs and inhibits (to a degree) the production of testosterone, a hormone essential for building new muscle. Sorry for the tough love, but you just seem to be full of excuses.
You're on a sports team - fine, just don't drink. Particularly since you're underage. Do it for health reasons or otherwise. Or tell them it's because of religious convictions. I've known plenty of religious people on sports teams and they've never had a problem, just be honest about who you are. If people are serious about being friends with you, they should respect whatever decisions you make.
Right, and for the most part I agree with you. But I also wanted to provide a little more of a Christian perspective where you don't necessarily need to re-evaluate your beliefs. I mean, that's something that people should do anyways from time to time, but still...
Agreed that this is not D&D therefore, i'm all in favour of just dropping that portion of the post and letting my advice to the OP stand.
Ok, now the second line of your post is actually a whole other question. Having been a sailor I know all about sex and alcohol (what, you think we wander around looking at monuments when we're at a liberty port? Hell no! We make a beeline to the nearest strip club!).
Heres the thing about alcohol - you are always responsble for your actions. No matter how wasted you get - unless - you dont know you're drinking alcohol. My advice to the undergrad women when I was in grad school - if you're offered a fruit drink at a party and you cant taste any alcohol, dont drink it.
Never mind for a moment whether or not I agree or disagree about sexual abstinence, if you cannot control your own actons while intoxicated, do not drink. Because whether or not you can control yourself, you are responsible - get behind the wheel wasted, you go to jail do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars. Get into an accident in the back seat of your car while you're drunk, you still the daddy when you sober up.
Its been said here also that 'oh, well, I'm on a sports team, gotta drink to be a part of the team.'
Yeah, look, I got that same sort of guy logic when I was enlisted - you've gotta go out and drink and brag and do stupid guy stuff with your shipmates or you're gay.
No. You dont. If you've got a problem with your drinking, and your teammates dont think you're one of the team because you wont get wasted with the rest of them - the team is already broken. Its already not a good team. You are your own person, you are not an extension of your sports team, and win or loose, its just a game.
With regards to the social drinking thing, this is the most important thing to keep in mind. Caving to social pressure is rarely good. You know why? Because people are stupid, and most of them don't care about you. You need to decide what's good for yourself and stand up for who you are.
As for the celibacy thing, you really just need to learn to exercise self-discipline. I don't necessarily agree with your beliefs, but if you decide that something is really important to you, then you need to stick to it, no matter the obstacles or temptations that arise. And don't blame your lapses in judgment on drinking, learn to take personal responsibility for your actions.
But to be completely honest, I think that your morals aren't quite as strong as you think they are. Alcohol will affect judgment, but it wont give you completely new ideas. On the other hand, peer pressure will.
You just have to not drink soda. Er, not have sex. That's all it comes down to. If you don't have enough willpower to overcome sexual desires when you are drunk, you have to stop drinking or learn to overcome the lessening of inhibitions.
In essence, willpower is the thing you need and is not something we can grant you. You have to train your own behavior.
I will say, though, that I don't think it's healthy to train yourself not to act on sexual desire. This is not an anti-religious statement, but it's probably not the healithiest course of action, from a biological point of view, to condition yourself against sex. I'm not saying you should fuck everything that makes your penis hard either, but what you are suggesting is a systematic, automated defense system against sexual conduct. I don't think that's very wise, frankly. I suppose it depends on how you do it and how much willpower you have. Then again I'm neither a doctor nor a psychologist, so maybe I'm talking out of my ass.
Anyway, I stopped drinking alcohol for two and a half years because I hated the feeling of being drunk. I wasn't an alcoholic or anything, but I just hated it for awhile. So I merely chose not to drink. That's all it comes down to: personal choice. I'm not sure how any of us can help you.
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You may want to check out the following books from the library that might give you a different perspective on why having sex and drinking isnt as bad as your church makes it out to be.
http://www.amazon.com/God-Delusion-Richard-Dawkins/dp/0618918248/ref=pd_bbs_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1201646110&sr=8-1
A good book that will at least point out the logical fallacies of religion in general.
http://www.amazon.com/End-Faith-Religion-Terror-Future/dp/0393327655/ref=pd_sim_b_img_3
Another blast in the face of religion and how it wrecks the world.
Read those two books and reevaluate your life and maybe next semester you wont care at all if you have a ton of sex and drink a truck load of booze.
Don't let the man bring you down dude where in your case the man is god.
And as always drink in moderation make sure the girl your nailing isnt too drunk to give consent and use a rubber. Other than that have fun college rocks. Don't guilt trip yourself for being young and having fun. You will hate yourself when you get older if you do.
To saltiness, it looks like the infractions were due to asshattery rather than people proposing the re-evaluation of beliefs. Snide remark posters were infracted.
Sometimes the advice you need isnt the advice you are looking for. Is it healthier for someone to live a life of shame and guilt because of a belief system they were brought up in? Or instead for that person to do their own research and come to their own conclusions based on hearing both sides of an argument.
Belief systems arnt written in stone we are humans we have this cool ability to change our minds.
I grew up in a staunch Christian household and went to catholic primary school and Jesuit high school. I got to college and made up my own mind about how I wanted to live. And I felt the exact same way the first few times I had sex. Especially when it was when I was drunk and I didnt even remember the girls names the next morning. I have been there. But instead of going to church I went to some philosophy and history classes reevaluated my feelings vis a vee the church and then got some literature from the atheist side of the fence. After hearing both arguments both for god and against I went with against and have never since felt bad or regretful about having fun in college or in all my exploits since.
Im not saying thats exactly what the OP should do but I feel like I would be cheating him if I didnt at least put that option on the table for him.
God will still love you if you read a richard dawkins book. The bible doesnt say anything about reading being a sin. The more important question is will you care what god thinks when you're done.
If im going to be infracted for proposing some one reevaluate their belief system then o well.
If the OP only has sex because of the drink, then it would seem the obvious solution is to cut back on the drinking, either severely or completely.
Ok, I just wanted to make sure it was only the asshattery. I've seen some people get very butthurt when their beliefs are questioned here and I wanted to make sure we can offer it as advice.
This is not a thread where someone has lost their faith or is losing it and wants to know where to go from there, this is a thread where someone is asking for help controlling themselves. He has made it pretty fucking clear that he's not interested in abandoning his religious affiliations, and I'm not going to have this thread be a debate about whether or not religion is good. This is not an appropriate place for that discussion, I don't know why anyone thinks it is. "Become an atheist" is not a helpful response to "how do I develop the self-control to refuse consent to sex I know I will regret later". Suggesting he analyze his reasons for regretting it has the potential to be helpful, jumping in and going "ololz stupid backwards-ass religion atheism will fix your self-control problems" doesn't.
I understand it's inappropriate to try and turn this guy into an atheist. All I'm asking is whether it's ok to offer alternatives to some of the dogmas of Catholicism without trying to make someone abandon their faith.
I'm not a mod, but I would consider "have your genitals removed" to be more on-topic advice here than "stop acting religious" (though I don't recommend that advice either). Maybe it's just me but this isn't a thread about beliefs; it is a thread asking, specifically, "how do I stop from having sex?" He chose to include the reason he wants to stop, but it really isn't relevant to the kind of advice he's looking for. He's not looking for comfort or to be convinced that it's okay to have sex. He's looking for advice on how to stop having sex. "Stop being so Catholic" won't help him stop having sex, will it? It may persuade him to not feel bad about having sex, but again, that is outside the scope of advice he is requesting. He has his philosophy on sex, and that's that.
Sorry if I'm overstepping my bounds here, VC, but that's how I see it.