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How to not get angry?
jasonlester
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello, maybe some of you experience the same thing as me and can help with some type of breathing excercise or something similar. I am not looking for " go to a shrink ", because I can't afford it. I am looking for ways I can calm down on my own.
Whenever I get angry and frustrated at anything, whether it be something on the computer, some work I am having trouble with, or playing a game, I always resort to throwing something, or hitting something. Never people, just things in my room. I hate this, but I honestly don't know how to stop it. I can't seem to stop playing/working before I get to breaking point. This disgusting trait often leads to me breaking things, and I can't stand it. It is almost uncontrollable. I can't stop myself from throwing something after I have reached that point.
What I am looking for are ways to calm down. If anyone has had something similar before, what do you do? I can't live like this anymore.
Whenever I get angry and frustrated at anything, whether it be something on the computer, some work I am having trouble with, or playing a game, I always resort to throwing something, or hitting something. Never people, just things in my room. I hate this, but I honestly don't know how to stop it. I can't seem to stop playing/working before I get to breaking point. This disgusting trait often leads to me breaking things, and I can't stand it. It is almost uncontrollable. I can't stop myself from throwing something after I have reached that point.
What I am looking for are ways to calm down. If anyone has had something similar before, what do you do? I can't live like this anymore.
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Thank you. I think you are right. I'll have to remove myself from what is making me angry.
Sorry to hear that, but thank you, it does help. I think a lot of the anger does come from my relationship. We have been fighting quite a bit lately unfortunately.
You know, trying to find some balance again, stop thinking about what is blocking your path for a while can help a lot.
You do know that hands break, don't you?
so instead of looking for what to do after you get angry to appease your angriness, just realize that lashing out doesn't do shit.
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The way I got over it was to seriously re-evaluate how I felt about things and simply relinquish control. This game beat me... so what. That's the game's job. If you're having girl problems, just remember to listen and be more passive in dealing with them (I.E. don't always attempt to "own" the situation or control it).
If your computer is acting up, remember that it only does what it's programmed to do, and never to spite you. Obviously, the only people who know EXACTLY what's going on under the hood are hardware technicians and the good folks at Microsoft/Mac/Linux HQ. So, again you have to give up on the idea that you can control your computer.
Also, meditation works wonders, but not at the point of impact. You may find it nearly impossible to meditate correctly right before exploding or throwing something. You need to walk away from the situation and cool down a bit first. But you DO have to deal with the built up stress in some way.
The idea behind good meditation is to think about NOTHING, least of all, the things that make you mad. So wait until the bad things have started to subside, then attempt to sit down somewhere and simply focus on breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth and think about nothing. If you try to meditate right before exploding, you'll end up brooding and boiling about the bad things that just happened and not reap any of the benefits of meditation.
If none of this works, think about the money you're wasting on all the shit you break. That was the tipping point for me :P
I know it's cliche but breathe!
I deal with frustration a lot in the line of work, mostly focused on me, but sometimes it's at other people, and the first thing I always do when I start to feel angry is take a deep breath. And a good deep breath, starting from the diaphragm and filling up entirely, then exhaling fully. It gives you a nice break from the world for a bit, and it's really, really effective.
Now, I'm pretty good at dealing with anger personally, and I've never gotten mad enough to hit things since maybe I was 6 or something, so I don't have the same experience, but breathing is really, really useful, and having proper deep breathing will help in many ways.
Do you have a slow build up to your outburts? I know when playing a game for me it'd start with some cursing then I'd start banging the mouse and it would keep escalating. I know it isn't always an option but whenever I start to do that now I take it as a sign to immediately stop what I'm doing.
The advice I have in regards to the stuff outside your control is to just accept it if there's nothing you can do. This is much harder but I've found it gets easier each time.
Playdough is awesome for this. I believe a company released something that acts like it but without the sticky sticky. You can squeeze it, throw it, whatever really. Helps get my tension down.
Whats tempered my temper is age, mostly. There are tricks I use, however, like stepping away from the problem or I've learned its just good for me to shut the hell up and let the anger disipate.
One of the most important factors in controlling my temper however is the realization that I'm responsible for my actions, that yes, I can controll my temper.
Also, after an outburst, if its a little thing, dont dig your heels in, be prepared to apologize. You dont always have to, but if your anger is irrational or disproportionat, an appology is a very good bet - I snapped at my son a little while back, and he said 'Daddy, you dont have to yell.' and I looked at him and though 'yeah, ok, that was a bit extreme.' and so I told him he was right, appologized and gave him a kiss on the head, and we were ok.
Music helps, too. Music has a very powerful influence on mood if you pick it right. I would say avoid depressing music because while it's really easy to turn anger into moping that's not really a positive change in mood so much as a lateral-shift. Daft Punk though, :^:
Meditation. Meditate every now and then, maybe try to when you are angry. It is important for you to realize why you are getting so angry before you can make change.
Meditation can provide clarity and insight about yourself. Sample conversation to yourself:
Why am I angry?
Because I got killed in my computer game.
Why am I angry about it?
Because I have to start over.
Why am I angry about that?
...because it means I'm not good enough.
Seriously. Give it a shot. Understand yourself. I guarantee your are afraid of something.
I don't know all the medical data behind it, but my father used to be Mr. Angry here. Not to the point of abuse but he'd get mad just because I'd walk near the garage or just simply while driving. We found out he had diabetes, a weak form of it at least in the sense that it is controllable, and he hasn't had anger fits since he started taking medication.
After I did that (it was outside but I was by myself) I thought to myself, "If someone saw that I would be very embarassed."
Then I thought about the kind of people who solve their problems by hitting and throwing things. The majority of these people are either:
A) Abusive people or
I've deduced that I am neither of those. Since rationalizing with myself I've come to the realization that if I just walk away from the source of my anger I will be fine in about half an hour.
The point is, use stress as a motivation, and not as something that will make you upset.
The worst thing you can do is vent your anger by physically beating on something like a pillow or punching bag, just go with deep breathing and counting from 10 to 1 backwards, slowly.
Don't let it build up to the point where you want to smash something. If something gets under your skin, as soon as you start feeling anger, take a deep breath.
And if you're still getting angry, get out of the situation.
Maybe it's just be, but I do notice that when I stop exercising often enough I become slightly more irritable.
Also, as was mentioned it's about realizing that a lot of the shit we worry and stress about daily means jack and shit in the long run. Walking over to the garbage can in the kitchen and realizing your roommate didn't replace the bag isn't worth getting upset over. It's a 15 second problem.
When something makes me mad, before I fully react I stop. think about what it really is that I am being mad at. And then that is usually enough to make me realize that it is not worth getting mad at.
Example: Some guy rear-ends your car.
Well. I get out of hte car super fast and mad. But then I think. you know what? His insurance is going to ahve to pay for this. Oh well.
The minute you are about to launch something or take a swing think
STOP
COUNT to 10
DEEP BREATH
End.
You wont feel like throwing it after that in fact you wont really be super mad anymore. Then think how silly it is that you are stomping mad about a video game or a girl or any other dumb thing
To recap the key is
STOP!
COUNT 10
Breath (deep lung breath here)
If you follow that advice your days of throwing / hitting things is over. If not well buy some good insurance.
I disagree. Don't wait until you're about to pop.
Once you're feeling angry, then stop, breathe, count to ten if it helps. I know that if I'm having a discussion and I feel myself getting more frustrated at all, I will take a breath and step back right then. Best to head it off while you're not in a towering rage.
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And exploring your feelings is a very good start. You need to be honest with yourself and try to look at the whole picture of your life, including your past, and see if you can gain any insights as to the causes of this anger. Then, start exploring and working on those root causes. As others have posted: know thyself.
Stoicism works for me. I find that the better I understand a bad situation, the less frustrated or angry I get about it. I either find that 1) there's nothing that I can do about it, or 2) there is something I can do. Frustration cedes to resignation or action, respectively. This doesn't work for everybody.
There could, of course, be a physical component. A poignant past experience is when I took one dose of a prescription anti-anxiety medication during a particularly rough period. It didn't help, and when it wore off I had about six contiguous hours of being furious at everything. Fortunately, I rationally knew that my anger was not real and it passed, but this was a big eye opener that chemical changes can have unexpected and very real emotional consequences. If this is the case, then a visit to a doctor may help with this aspect of things.
I came back, and explained that I only wanted to help, and it worked. I helped her, and wasn't angry anymore.
That's just one example. I understand I COULD see a therapist about this problem, but I feel I should try and deal with it myself first.
I am most worried about scaring my girlfriend, I don't want her to think I'm a violent person.
Thanks for the replies guys
We tried that. The fuckers still didnt bring back Firefly.
It sounds like you're a snapper, like you snap all at once, one more thing happens and all the sudden you're just to angry.
Work on identifying and dealing with stressors early so you don't get a buildup that "suddenly" pushes you over the edge.
I host a podcast about movies.
This guy I knew in high school, Leon, I had not had contact with since, about 12 years ago now.
Through my reunion website, I learned he died in jail on January 25th. A day later, I learned he was awaiting release after evidence was found exonerating him. He suffered an asthma attack, and there is suspicion aid was not rushed to help him.
I am going to write a letter of condolence to his family.
An angry letter to the jail.
An angry letter to the police.
An angry letter to the state corrections department headquarters.
And a letter to the governor of California, explaining what happened.
My friend Leon is either black or half black, but I suspect it was prison over-crowding why he died.
I am angry, but going to channel it into raising awareness, and seeing if I can make his death important, since it was so ....
Well, I think you guys can see what I am getting at.
Also it's important to start trying to figure out what the hell keeps causing these outbursts. Calming yourself down is simply addressing the symptoms of a bigger thing. Get some comfort foods or weights since the hit of positive reinforcement from sweets or exercise is very helpful to keeping the mind steady.
I also clean or organize something when I get really anxious or stressed out. It helps me feel like Im doing something productive, I have control over my surroundings again, and then I have a clean environment to think in. Also if you're doing it to relive stress it becomes less of a chore and more of a calm time to think to yourself, or listen to some music and sweep the floors to get some energy out. This could be a double edge sword, you cant get angry if things get messy and out of control, you just have to enjoy the chance to clean when you have it.
Some people fly off the handle very easily, while others are unfazed by pretty much anything. Whatever the difference may be, unless you believe it's 100% nature, 0% nurture, you can learn a lot from observing the latter group, or even just asking them. Personally, I can't recall the last time I was anything more than slightly irked, and while I've never really done any deep soul-searching to try and suss out why that is, I can hazard some guesses off the top of my head, as I'm sure others reading this can.
1) I realize that anger is only going to hinder my dealing with the trigger. If it's a video game, playing pissed off will just get you killed some more - if it's a relationship, being the angry yelling one is only going to have some of a million different negative effects on the other party.
2) I take into account a certain amount of "shit happens" happening. Life is so random and rarely as fair as we'd like, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Knowing that, it follows logically that there's no sense in getting mad about it.
3) I genuinely dislike anger. It's a really unattractive thing unless you're a berserker or something, it doesn't feel nice, it makes situations awkward, and it's not a quality you look for in others. They don't look for it in you, either.
So that's the work of a couple minutes. Obviously you can't logic yourself a calmer person, but if these kinds of arguments make sense and you can internalize them, I'd be surprised if you don't see a difference after some time. Hope this helps.
Example: Angry because you're stuck in traffic. Why? Because you might be late (the fear). Is being 10-15 minutes late important for whatever it is you're doing? Maybe. Is there something you can skip over or do later to make up the time? Maybe not. Does anyone really give a shit if you're 10 minutes late? Probably not. Etc. Odds are you can somehow figure out that being late isn't actually something to be so worried about and you don't need to get angry over it.
But personally I'm almost impossible to piss off to start with so ymmv.