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Boyfriend posting pictures of another girl on forum...

gravitygravity Registered User regular
edited February 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
I do no know how to respond. I do not read the forum he is on often but on days I am at work (m/w/f) I get kind of bored at look almost everything on the web (that is appropriate at work). And I go the this particular forum to see that my boyfriend had posted two threads about this new girl he met at school and talks about her being hot, and how they are partners in the class now.

I trust him, I do, but this is awkward...I don't know how I am supposed to react or if I am supposed to at all. The forum he posted it on is kind of loopy anyway, mostly guys posting hot girls and models etc, saying things like "hit" or "skip" but I guess I just thought he was better than all that... so I don't know if he is seriously thinking about this girl or strictly thinks she is hot and wants to brag that she is his partner in one of his classes?

Another thing is, I don't want him to think I was snooping or something-because I wasn't at all. it was on the front page and I only read the front page and I don't go in depth to this forum just because it is kind of vulgar but sometimes really funny, so it makes it even harder for me, should I bring it up or leave it as a guy thing? And know he is not going to so anything except admire her? That is what I want to do, but when I saw him post those pictures, I don't know I felt sick in my stomach, and I really hated that feeling. I just never thought he would do that, at least not about a real girl (ie:not a model, or actress) I thought he respected me and our relationship enough to know that would turn me off, but (always a but) he is guy and he is young and is aloud to look, and make fun, they are just pictures. (this is me reasoning it with myself...)
At least I know he won't act on his admiration, which settled my stomach a little but. what should I do?

gravity on
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    Ninja BotNinja Bot Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Posting pictures of other people and posting them on the internet and talking about how hot they are is pretty fucking creepy, and not a "guy thing" at all.

    Ninja Bot on
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    SkyGheNeSkyGheNe Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    This is pretty rough, but I'm not quite sure what to make of it myself. I don't think he'd act on it, as you say, but I do think it is pretty childish of him to be posting pictures of people on the internet and talking about how "hot" they are.

    As others have said...it's pretty creepy.

    I'd say it's probably his age or character...if you know he won't act on it and that you are the one...and that this is just him talking and not really meaning anything. You'll know him better than any of us, but I wouldn't call that normal behavior.

    Although, I do see guys on campus checking out girls, referring to them as "hot bitches." It reminds me of that, just on the internet.

    Immature if you ask me.

    SkyGheNe on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Yeah, that is the word I was looking for "immature", that is the problem-both of you are right-that is why my stomach feel, it is creepy. This forum though... pretty immature all together, which is why it can be amusing (I do not post on it, just read that stupid things people say) but also why I found it so repulsing.

    gravity on
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    AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Does he know that you sometimes check out that forum when you're bored?

    I have to admit, it is kind of creepy what he's doing. Being a girl with a boyfriend, I'd be pretty freakin' bummed/upset/what have you, if I found out that my boyfriend bragging about this 'hot girl' that happens to not be me.

    I'd confront him, personally. But be calm. Always be calm.

    AlyceInWonderland on
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    Vrtra TheoryVrtra Theory Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    My honest opinion is that you don't have to be worried about cheating on you. Without knowing him personally I'm just speculating, but his actions make me think he doesn't respect or admire this girl in his class. He probably barely even thinks of her as an actual human being - she's simply a trophy, a quick snapshot, a forum post and a few brief slaps on the back from a bunch of like-minded forum dwellers.

    That doesn't mean what he's doing is OK. It's not a fatal character flaw or anything, but it's definitely immature and doesn't reflect highly on him. How old is he, out of curiosity? If he's 18, forget about it: he'll get over it. If he's 25, that's a little more worrisome.

    Vrtra Theory on
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    DarkSymphonyDarkSymphony Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    it's a possibility that he's just thinking "man I saw this hot chick, I wanna show the forum I frequent" Like, there's "The Pretty Girl Thread" on Fires of Heaven and well, I dunno it could just be that he saw a girl he thought was pretty and wanted to show people.

    However, that is pretty disrespectful to you, being his girlfriend.

    DarkSymphony on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    I want to confront him, I just don't know how.
    I think he knows I read it, but maybe not as often as he thinks I do, So I don't think he knew I was going to see it.
    He is my best friend though (minus my sister) so I try to be accepting of things he tells me from a friend stand point and a girl friend stand, which can be hard, but I want him to tell me everything so I really have to watch how I react to certain things, and really choose my battles carefully - so he told me about her yesterday and said she was attractive (he uses better words with me - not "hot") and probably the best looking girl in the class, but he told me because he knows I trust him and I find other man attractive, so I actually like that he told me instead of me seeing her without knowing she was pretty and being jealous.
    I want everyone to get the right picture-this forum is for bragging, and degrading women sometimes so I am happy that I am not on there although it is flattering to be, I would not want to be a "hit" or a "skip" because I have a BF. Also most of his friends are the exact same way (don't like most of them, creepy-haha) so it is not super surprising that he has sunk to their level, I just know he is better than that, and wish he hadn't.

    you are right -about approaching him, and I always try to be a calm as possible.

    gravity on
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    matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Guys will always look. It is genetically coded into us to look. It is instinct, a long-unused urge to procreate with anything and everything in order to further the species, from back when we were at constant risk of death by Mammoth.

    That said...

    You don't have to be ok with it, and you don't have to worry about "snooping" because you weren't. You'd been to the forum before I'm assuming, so it's not something you did specifically to spy on him. You didn't steal any usernames or passwords, you didn't read his private emails. You saw a public posting on a public forum where he apparently identified himself well enough that you would know it was him. If he had simply posted a picture of the girl and said "Hey guys what do you think?", I'd say ignore it. The fact that he talks about her, gives details about interactions with her and how he finds her attractive doesn't mean he's planning to dump you or anything, but it does mean he's probably not as serious about a relationship as you seem to be. If you confront him, just be calm. Say "hey, I saw what you posted on xxxxxx forum. Is everything ok between us?" or something to that effect. If you really do feel strongly about it, don't just ball it up, because it will keep eating at you until it starts coming out in other ways, or you actually do start snooping, stealing his email passwords etc, and the relationship will self-destruct.

    On the other hand, if you don't want to confront him about it, but still want to bust him, tell the girl he posted pictures of what he did. Something tells me she wouldn't be terribly happy with it, even less so if he gave out any details of who she is. It's a much more vindictive response though, and you should be prepared for backlash.

    matt has a problem on
    nibXTE7.png
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    he is only 20. Still growing up we are.

    I agree with the "pat on the back" and as demeaning as it is to women it calms me to know that other guys know why he did it.

    gravity on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    good advice. I tend to ball things up, so i think it would be better if I confronted him, but not bombarded him.

    and I was not snooping: no stolen anything, it was clearly him (his name) on the forum, and he wasn't hiding it.

    One thing I am worried about is that, that was only their first meeting (yesterday in class) and there are 16 weeks of school with two meeting a week... do you think this admiration will evolve (they are partners in the class)? or she is just hot and he has no intention of doing anything? should I ask him this question?

    gravity on
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    LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    gravity wrote: »
    he is only 20. Still growing up we are.

    Sounds like a pretty douchey thing to do at 20. Maybe 15 it would be "immature". Not 20.

    Lewisham on
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    matt has a problemmatt has a problem Points to 'off' Points to 'on'Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    I didn't see the part about him telling you he thought she was attractive before you posted. This gives you a huge opening, as he's already talked to you about her before you saw the post. "I know you told me you thought she was attractive, but I saw that post you made the other day about her..." Tell him you know guys will be guys, that a wandering eye is natural. You don't want him to think you expect him to wear blinders at all times so the only girl he ever sees is you. (And if you do, well, that's another thread...) But he does need to know that there is a level that it's not ok for wandering to reach, and it's pretty much a relationship breaker if he goes too far with it. Asking him if he has any "intention" of going further with her doesn't do much really. You just need to let him know where your boundaries stand for this kind of thing, and that they are brick walls, not rubber bands. There's no stretching.

    Just out of curiosity, how long have you been dating? Are you living together or seperately?

    matt has a problem on
    nibXTE7.png
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    SkyGheNeSkyGheNe Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Lewisham wrote: »
    gravity wrote: »
    he is only 20. Still growing up we are.

    Sounds like a pretty douchey thing to do at 20. Maybe 15 it would be "immature". Not 20.

    I'd say it takes two years of the real world before people start getting "it."

    Of course, there are plenty of 35 year old counter examples to that.

    SkyGheNe on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    ill try to get him to talk about it to me, calmly. i hope the window of talking about it is still open. we'll see.
    I think I am going to tell him that is makes me uncomfortable, and makes me see him differently as a person, and I know he is better and more mature than that.

    we have been together for four years, and we will separately.

    gravity on
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    DarkSymphonyDarkSymphony Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    honestly, if it's how I'm thinking it is, I think he just sees this girl as "a piece of ass to look at". yaknow? to me, logically, if he openly said to you that he thinks this girl is attractive then to me that sounds like he doesn't see it as a big deal, and going further with it (i.e starting to like her and wanting to date her) would be a big deal and something that most guys who would cheat or persue, wouldn't want to openly say.

    20 may be an age where it's kinda not cool to do that kind of thing, but that doesn't stop the fact that people mature and age at different stages. Like, I'd say to mention you saw it, that it's not a big deal but that it made you wonder if there's reason to worry. Not that you do worry right now, but since he knows you trust him and vice versa it should be a calm easy conversation without any kind of awkward or odd things being said. If the relationship is going all gravy then I see no reason to worry, just mention it and keep cool about it.

    DarkSymphony on
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    wallabeeXwallabeeX Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    A commitment to communicate and the honest truth is the keystone to any solid relationship.

    With all due respect to the four years that the two of you have spent together, this is the type of thing that you should be able to talk with him about and not have a concern about his reaction. He's boldly posted on a forum that could be read by anyone (including his girlfriend), and shouldn't be surprised when anyone did read it. That said, I don't know that you have anything to worry about. At 20, I was three years into a relationship and I just remember having my eyes pop out of my head at every attractive girl I had class with. It's a normal reaction at such an age, especially given the long term commitment and his presumable lack of diversity in partners at this point. A little surprising that he's chosen to publicize this frustration, but I don't think he'd act on it.

    The good news is that you could just keep tabs on the situation given the fact that he's posting it on the internet. Talk to the boy, this is so silly.

    wallabeeX on
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    DarkSymphonyDarkSymphony Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    and yes, guys will always always always look at any hot girl. Yeah we can force ourselves not to, but it takes a lot of will power. It's that whole guy instinct. Most girls I know see it as a huge sign of disrespect and I can understand that, but being offended by something socially for something that's been an instictual thing from the male side for thousands of years just seems odd. Granted yeah it's kinda rude I won't deny that at all, but from a guy perspective when I see a hot girl and I was with my girlfriend *and* I looked, I'd explain to her that the girl I looked at was like being distracted by a shiny object on the ground. It's just eye catching and when girls dress specifically to get the attention, well, attention is then grabbed.

    The one awesome (and the only awesome) thing about my ex girlfriend is that after a few weeks of discussing that to her, she finally understood that my interest was with her and if something happened to us (which it did) I wasn't going to just jump on the first hot girl I see (which I didn't). She finally started understanding that's just how guys are.

    DarkSymphony on
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    YodaTunaYodaTuna Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    gravity wrote: »

    and I was not snooping: no stolen anything, it was clearly him (his name) on the forum, and he wasn't hiding it.

    I'm not sure why this isn't being talked about a little more. But he's going to feel like your snooping on him. Do you go to the forum because you post? Are you interested in the topics? Are you part of the community? Does he know you visit this website? Or do you go there to see what he has posted? If you picked the last one, that's snooping. He may not have disguised himself or anything, but he's not giving you an invitation to look, even if it's publicly available. And I guarantee the second you say something to him, the very first words that come out of your mouth are going to be "Are you spying on me?" and he's going to be pretty justified in asking that, so be prepared.

    As many people in this thread have said, this isn't an unnatural or unusual thing to do. Personally I would let it slide, unless he does something that effects the relationship, because if you bring up this topic with him, there is a likelihood you will break the trust in your relationship.

    YodaTuna on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Thank You.

    Everything has been helpful and how I felt exactly.

    I know it should not be a big deal to talk about it, but I worry that he will think I am snooping and don't trust him-and I just have to be sure when we are talking that he knows I am not attacking him or accusing him of anything and that I trust him and just want to be sure she means nothing to him and that he intends to keep it that way. After four I think I have the right to voice my concerns, I would want to know how my actions affect him so I think he would too.

    other girls are just a touchy subject with me, and I am always very emotional (cry) so I am going to try to make sure he knows even though I am crying it is not a really big, and that I just want him to know that it makes me see him differently when he acts that way.

    gravity on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    YodaTuna wrote: »
    gravity wrote: »

    and I was not snooping: no stolen anything, it was clearly him (his name) on the forum, and he wasn't hiding it.

    I'm not sure why this isn't being talked about a little more. But he's going to feel like your snooping on him. Do you go to the forum because you post? Are you interested in the topics? Are you part of the community? Does he know you visit this website? Or do you go there to see what he has posted? If you picked the last one, that's snooping. He may not have disguised himself or anything, but he's not giving you an invitation to look, even if it's publicly available. And I guarantee the second you say something to him, the very first words that come out of your mouth are going to be "Are you spying on me?" and he's going to be pretty justified in asking that, so be prepared.

    As many people in this thread have said, this isn't an unnatural or unusual thing to do. Personally I would let it slide, unless he does something that effects the relationship, because if you bring up this topic with him, there is a likelihood you will break the trust in your relationship.


    Thank You. I wanted someone to talk about that. That is what I am worried about. I do look at it occasionaly-he knows that, I am not an avid visitor and I don't go on to just see what he posted, we have mutual friends that post on there and sometimes I do like the topics that are discussed, and no-I am not on the forums, I do not post, I just read, and then sometimes We talk about it in person if it was particularly funny (me and my BF).

    so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.

    gravity on
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2008
    Use your real first name to create an account, then post "we'll talk when I get home." It will be epic.

    Then link us to it.

    Doc on
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    PheezerPheezer Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2008
    If he knows you read the forums already then no it's not really going to be interpreted as snooping unless he's being unnecessarily defensive, which would be a bad thing for him to be at this juncture.

    At the same time if you're crying because he posted a picture of another girl on the Internet, you might be better off not in a serious relationship until you've come to terms with whatever issues you've got that are underlying that. That's not really a "reasonable" reaction. Calling him up and being all "dude stop being fucking creepy and posting pictures of girls without their permission for you and your nerd friends to ogle" is somewhat more reasonable.

    And I don't care what anyone claims, it's not fucking okay to look at women that way. She's not a car, or your case modded PC or a cat doing something cute. It's not alright to treat her like an object. You should really be concerned that your boyfriend doesn't see a problem with THAT, not that he oh my god might end up sleeping with her. I don't know your boyfriend, but it's not like everyone woman he finds attractive is going to want to sleep with him.

    Especially if she finds out that he's been ogling her with his Internet friends.

    Pheezer on
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    YodaTunaYodaTuna Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    gravity wrote: »
    YodaTuna wrote: »
    gravity wrote: »

    and I was not snooping: no stolen anything, it was clearly him (his name) on the forum, and he wasn't hiding it.

    I'm not sure why this isn't being talked about a little more. But he's going to feel like your snooping on him. Do you go to the forum because you post? Are you interested in the topics? Are you part of the community? Does he know you visit this website? Or do you go there to see what he has posted? If you picked the last one, that's snooping. He may not have disguised himself or anything, but he's not giving you an invitation to look, even if it's publicly available. And I guarantee the second you say something to him, the very first words that come out of your mouth are going to be "Are you spying on me?" and he's going to be pretty justified in asking that, so be prepared.

    As many people in this thread have said, this isn't an unnatural or unusual thing to do. Personally I would let it slide, unless he does something that effects the relationship, because if you bring up this topic with him, there is a likelihood you will break the trust in your relationship.


    Thank You. I wanted someone to talk about that. That is what I am worried about. I do look at it occasionaly-he knows that, I am not an avid visitor and I don't go on to just see what he posted, we have mutual friends that post on there and sometimes I do like the topics that are discussed, and no-I am not on the forums, I do not post, I just read, and then sometimes We talk about it in person if it was particularly funny (me and my BF).

    so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.

    If you visit enough where he is aware that you look at the site(like if you talk about the topics) then he no reasonable expectation of privacy. He knows you are looking. Then you can talk to him without him feeling like your invading his space. For instance, I frequently mention interesting threads and topics on PA to my girlfriend, but she doesn't read the forum much and when she does it's not the portions I do. So I would be pretty thrown for a loop if she started talking about this stuff.

    My rule would be is if you think you can say "Ya know I was reading the forum and blah...." and he's goes like "Yeah, cool" then you're in the clear, but if you think he would say "You were reading my forum?!" then you might to tread more carefully.

    YodaTuna on
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2008
    gravity wrote: »
    so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.

    No. If he does think that, he's retarded. He posted this stuff on a public message board that he knows you occasionally read.

    A while back I was busted by a friend for saying some nasty stuff about him (sort of) on these boards. I felt like an asshole. I didn't blame him for finding the comments, since they're publicly viewable.

    Doc on
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    YodaTunaYodaTuna Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Doc wrote: »
    gravity wrote: »
    so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.

    No. If he does think that, he's retarded. He posted this stuff on a public message board that he knows you occasionally read.

    A while back I was busted by a friend for saying some nasty stuff about him (sort of) on these boards. I felt like an asshole. I didn't blame him for finding the comments, since they're publicly viewable.

    As much as a message board is a public place, so are a lot of places. I mean, she could leave a tape recorder in the room to find out what he says when she's gone. It's a shared area between then, doesn't mean it's right. He has a right to a reasonable degree of privacy. I don't go read my gf's posts on the board she goes too. But if he knows she actively visits, then it's a different story.

    And it sounds like she goes to the forum enough and he knows, so he should not expect any privacy there.

    YodaTuna on
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2008
    YodaTuna wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    gravity wrote: »
    so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.

    No. If he does think that, he's retarded. He posted this stuff on a public message board that he knows you occasionally read.

    A while back I was busted by a friend for saying some nasty stuff about him (sort of) on these boards. I felt like an asshole. I didn't blame him for finding the comments, since they're publicly viewable.

    As much as a message board is a public place, so are a lot of places. I mean, she could leave a tape recorder in the room to find out what he says when she's gone. It's a shared area between then, doesn't mean it's right. He has a right to a reasonable degree of privacy. I don't go read my gf's posts on the board she goes too. But if he knows she actively visits, then it's a different story.

    And it sounds like she goes to the forum enough and he knows, so he should not expect any privacy there.

    I view publicly available internet message boards as having about the same levels of privacy as yelling stuff into the street. It is my opinion that messages that are meant to be publicly available are not really covered under any reasonable argument of "you're snooping."

    Doc on
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    YodaTunaYodaTuna Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Doc wrote: »
    YodaTuna wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    gravity wrote: »
    so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.

    No. If he does think that, he's retarded. He posted this stuff on a public message board that he knows you occasionally read.

    A while back I was busted by a friend for saying some nasty stuff about him (sort of) on these boards. I felt like an asshole. I didn't blame him for finding the comments, since they're publicly viewable.

    As much as a message board is a public place, so are a lot of places. I mean, she could leave a tape recorder in the room to find out what he says when she's gone. It's a shared area between then, doesn't mean it's right. He has a right to a reasonable degree of privacy. I don't go read my gf's posts on the board she goes too. But if he knows she actively visits, then it's a different story.

    And it sounds like she goes to the forum enough and he knows, so he should not expect any privacy there.

    I view publicly available internet message boards as having about the same levels of privacy as yelling stuff into the street. It is my opinion that messages that are meant to be publicly available are not really covered under any reasonable argument of "you're snooping."

    But if she's going there with the specific reason to find out what he is saying and he has no clue that she has ever visited the site, he will feel violated. Whether you think that is the correct feeling or not is irrelevant. I just wanted the OP to know that it is potentially something she will have to deal with and if she thinks it's worth it or has a reasonable defense to show that it wasn't spying.

    YodaTuna on
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    SikarianSikarian Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Just throwin out one side of it, back near the end of my ex and I's relationship, things had been flaky between us and there was this guy involved. One evening I went into the bedroom to wake her up (we lived together) to get ready to go on the date, and she wouldn't wake up at first, so I just sat in the chair and twirled around bored waiting for her to wake. Turned over to the computer, noticed MySpace was open, clicked her inbox, found many things reaffirming my suspicions that she was getting with that other guy. When she woke up, I confronted her about it. She was pissed that I snooped, and I felt like a complete asshole for doing it, but frankly I would have rather felt like a jerk for snooping and seeing what was happening than not knowing and getting booted out of the relationship later. She admitted to everything and now we are ex's.

    Confront him about it. Better to know for sure and have him mad at you for a few days for "snooping" in his mind, than sitting there worried about it and getting the shock later on if something comes. Or if nothing comes, always having doubt in your mind

    Sikarian on
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2008
    Oh, he may certainly feel that way. But people have entirely unjustified feelings all the time. Confronting him about it is something that she needs to do if this behavior hurts her, so I just want to reassure her that she's in the right.

    Doc on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    YodaTuna wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    YodaTuna wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    gravity wrote: »
    so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.

    No. If he does think that, he's retarded. He posted this stuff on a public message board that he knows you occasionally read.

    A while back I was busted by a friend for saying some nasty stuff about him (sort of) on these boards. I felt like an asshole. I didn't blame him for finding the comments, since they're publicly viewable.

    As much as a message board is a public place, so are a lot of places. I mean, she could leave a tape recorder in the room to find out what he says when she's gone. It's a shared area between then, doesn't mean it's right. He has a right to a reasonable degree of privacy. I don't go read my gf's posts on the board she goes too. But if he knows she actively visits, then it's a different story.

    And it sounds like she goes to the forum enough and he knows, so he should not expect any privacy there.

    I view publicly available internet message boards as having about the same levels of privacy as yelling stuff into the street. It is my opinion that messages that are meant to be publicly available are not really covered under any reasonable argument of "you're snooping."

    But if she's going there with the specific reason to find out what he is saying and he has no clue that she has ever visited the site, he will feel violated. Whether you think that is the correct feeling or not is irrelevant. I just wanted the OP to know that it is potentially something she will have to deal with and if she thinks it's worth it or has a reasonable defense to show that it wasn't spying.

    I do not go there to see what he is saying. We don't talk about all of the websites we go to daily or anything, so You are right, he may think I am watching him, and I will be there to make sure he doesn't, but now I am worried even more, he tends to take things the wrong when they deal with the internet, and that will only hurt me and us-I do not want him to feel like he has to create these secret identities on the internet just in case I go to that site too-I want us to be honest and open and I think talking him about it is a 50/50 right now, he could see it as me going on a site at work while I am bored, or he could take it the wrong way and think I am snooping on him-when I am not and never want to.
    I wish I could ask him.

    gravity on
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    mullymully Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    i'd definitely confront him about it, myself. let him know that it bothers you. if you don't let him know how you feel about it now, and that you read the same forum and feel disrespected by what he posts, he may continue doing it and you'll just get more and more upset. nip it in the bud, that's what i say.

    and even if he responds that it's harmless, and he's just having a laugh about it or whatever, at least you've brought it up and he knows your feelings about it, so that if he does it again he doesn't have any excuse, since he'd know that it'd hurt you.

    mully on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    mully wrote: »
    i'd definitely confront him about it, myself. let him know that it bothers you. if you don't let him know how you feel about it now, and that you read the same forum and feel disrespected by what he posts, he may continue doing it and you'll just get more and more upset. nip it in the bud, that's what i say.

    and even if he responds that it's harmless, and he's just having a laugh about it or whatever, at least you've brought it up and he knows your feelings about it, so that if he does it again he doesn't have any excuse, since he'd know that it'd hurt you.

    yes. nip it in the bud. I would rather get this out of the way and not have me dwelling on it for no reason when it is probably just that-no reason.
    I hope he will be understanding, I think I will let him know that I do not take it too seriously but that it sheds bad light on him, and I only want good. "so I was bored at work today and was on _____ ..." and see what he says. If he starts to laugh or whatever Ill know it is ok, but if he gets all serious about it, Ill start to worry.

    gravity on
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    MonoxideMonoxide Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited January 2008
    gravity wrote: »
    YodaTuna wrote: »
    gravity wrote: »

    and I was not snooping: no stolen anything, it was clearly him (his name) on the forum, and he wasn't hiding it.

    I'm not sure why this isn't being talked about a little more. But he's going to feel like your snooping on him. Do you go to the forum because you post? Are you interested in the topics? Are you part of the community? Does he know you visit this website? Or do you go there to see what he has posted? If you picked the last one, that's snooping. He may not have disguised himself or anything, but he's not giving you an invitation to look, even if it's publicly available. And I guarantee the second you say something to him, the very first words that come out of your mouth are going to be "Are you spying on me?" and he's going to be pretty justified in asking that, so be prepared.

    As many people in this thread have said, this isn't an unnatural or unusual thing to do. Personally I would let it slide, unless he does something that effects the relationship, because if you bring up this topic with him, there is a likelihood you will break the trust in your relationship.


    Thank You. I wanted someone to talk about that. That is what I am worried about. I do look at it occasionaly-he knows that, I am not an avid visitor and I don't go on to just see what he posted, we have mutual friends that post on there and sometimes I do like the topics that are discussed, and no-I am not on the forums, I do not post, I just read, and then sometimes We talk about it in person if it was particularly funny (me and my BF).

    so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.

    Wait, he's thought that you're snooping from these forums? As in, he knows you post on these forums, and he may occassionally read them as well?

    If that's what you're saying, you should probably confront him about this before he stumbles on this thread like you stumbled onto his.

    Monoxide on
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    SpecularitySpecularity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Yes, it is something that some people will do, and he may very well not mean anything of it, but I've got some concerns about the fact that it's this one girl that he apparently keeps talking about. If he mentioned it to you, and to the internet, he's probably chatting about her with his buddies...and I would not be handling it as calmly as you are! I have great respect for you trying to rationalize through it and approach everything very calmly, but I do think you should talk to him about it, as you seem to be planning.

    Specularity on
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    SpecularitySpecularity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    And wait a second. Where the fuck did he get a picture of this chick? Did he sneak a shot on his phone? Did he "snoop," if you will, onto her myspace or facebook? Or did she give him a photo? What??

    Specularity on
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    gravitygravity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    And wait a second. Where the fuck did he get a picture of this chick? Did he sneak a shot on his phone? Did he "snoop," if you will, onto her myspace or facebook? Or did she give him a photo? What??

    yes, he snooped onto her myspace. that is another non-attractive part of it. really non-attractive.

    I am trying to be calm, I know my boyfriend and I would like to think that I know what we would do in this situation. It is creepy what he did, and kind of gross and tacky. But he is my boyfriend and she has a boyfriend, so we'll see. I trust him and as gross as this situation is I think I am going to let it pass for today and bring it up tomorrow.

    gravity on
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    SpecularitySpecularity Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    That's very mature of you! Please update us, if you feel comfortable.

    Specularity on
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    RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    I'd be upset if my fiance was posting pictures of a guy she worked with, and talked about how hot he was. Of course, we've also been together for over 5 years and pretty much know the boundaries of the relationship. Sounds like yours is still young (age-wise, as well), and these things tend to happen when you're younger. Think of this as figuring out the boundaries of what's okay and what's not. Tell him it bothers you, and he'll either respect your opinion or he won't.

    RocketSauce on
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    GrundlterrorGrundlterror Registered User regular
    edited January 2008
    I'd be upset if my fiance was posting pictures of a guy she worked with, and talked about how hot he was. Of course, we've also been together for over 5 years and pretty much know the boundaries of the relationship. Sounds like yours is still young (age-wise, as well), and these things tend to happen when you're younger. Think of this as figuring out the boundaries of what's okay and what's not. Tell him it bothers you, and he'll either respect your opinion or he won't.

    Very true!

    You also say you trust him, but it sounds like you don't. Honestly, I don't blame ya though... it sounds pretty shady.

    However! Sometimes when I am around my friends, I say things that I don't really mean about getting with girls (if I'm in a relationship :winky:). At first I felt bad about it... like even saying that even though I didn't mean it was being disloyal... but I know that I am not serious about it and you b/f might be doing the same thing w/ his buddies on this internet forum. Especially if I'm understanding correctly and this is a forum that is mainly for that kind of thing. He probably respects you too much to litter the forum with pictures of you, so in order to participate he found some chick in his class that is attractive and posted pictures of her.

    Also, I don't think he has an obligation to tell you that he did this... or to even tell you about her at all since it would only upset you (as you said you have a problem w/ other girls). I think you are making this a bigger deal then it came out to be... right now it's kinda creepy but in 10 years do you think when you meet someone in class, find their myspace and show pics to your friends will be viewed as such?

    Finally, talk to him about this ASAP! Do *not* brood on this, because it will grow in your mind and when you talk to him and say you saw it on the front page and it was like a week ago that it was there he either will think you went digging for it or you've been sitting on it for a week... both of which don't reflect admirably on your character if taken the wrong way.

    Grundlterror on
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    desperaterobotsdesperaterobots perth, ausRegistered User regular
    edited January 2008
    Would it be bad advice to suggest broaching the subject with a casual remark like "That girl you posted on the forum, she's not hotter than me is she?"

    The guy knows he's been caught but you're not trying to make him suffer for it with a big talk, plus you're likely to get the affirmation it seems like you probably need right now.

    desperaterobots on
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