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Boyfriend posting pictures of another girl on forum...
gravity
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I do no know how to respond. I do not read the forum he is on often but on days I am at work (m/w/f) I get kind of bored at look almost everything on the web (that is appropriate at work). And I go the this particular forum to see that my boyfriend had posted two threads about this new girl he met at school and talks about her being hot, and how they are partners in the class now.
I trust him, I do, but this is awkward...I don't know how I am supposed to react or if I am supposed to at all. The forum he posted it on is kind of loopy anyway, mostly guys posting hot girls and models etc, saying things like "hit" or "skip" but I guess I just thought he was better than all that... so I don't know if he is seriously thinking about this girl or strictly thinks she is hot and wants to brag that she is his partner in one of his classes?
Another thing is, I don't want him to think I was snooping or something-because I wasn't at all. it was on the front page and I only read the front page and I don't go in depth to this forum just because it is kind of vulgar but sometimes really funny, so it makes it even harder for me, should I bring it up or leave it as a guy thing? And know he is not going to so anything except admire her? That is what I want to do, but when I saw him post those pictures, I don't know I felt sick in my stomach, and I really hated that feeling. I just never thought he would do that, at least not about a real girl (ie:not a model, or actress) I thought he respected me and our relationship enough to know that would turn me off, but (always a but) he is guy and he is young and is aloud to look, and make fun, they are just pictures. (this is me reasoning it with myself...)
At least I know he won't act on his admiration, which settled my stomach a little but. what should I do?
I trust him, I do, but this is awkward...I don't know how I am supposed to react or if I am supposed to at all. The forum he posted it on is kind of loopy anyway, mostly guys posting hot girls and models etc, saying things like "hit" or "skip" but I guess I just thought he was better than all that... so I don't know if he is seriously thinking about this girl or strictly thinks she is hot and wants to brag that she is his partner in one of his classes?
Another thing is, I don't want him to think I was snooping or something-because I wasn't at all. it was on the front page and I only read the front page and I don't go in depth to this forum just because it is kind of vulgar but sometimes really funny, so it makes it even harder for me, should I bring it up or leave it as a guy thing? And know he is not going to so anything except admire her? That is what I want to do, but when I saw him post those pictures, I don't know I felt sick in my stomach, and I really hated that feeling. I just never thought he would do that, at least not about a real girl (ie:not a model, or actress) I thought he respected me and our relationship enough to know that would turn me off, but (always a but) he is guy and he is young and is aloud to look, and make fun, they are just pictures. (this is me reasoning it with myself...)
At least I know he won't act on his admiration, which settled my stomach a little but. what should I do?
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As others have said...it's pretty creepy.
I'd say it's probably his age or character...if you know he won't act on it and that you are the one...and that this is just him talking and not really meaning anything. You'll know him better than any of us, but I wouldn't call that normal behavior.
Although, I do see guys on campus checking out girls, referring to them as "hot bitches." It reminds me of that, just on the internet.
Immature if you ask me.
I have to admit, it is kind of creepy what he's doing. Being a girl with a boyfriend, I'd be pretty freakin' bummed/upset/what have you, if I found out that my boyfriend bragging about this 'hot girl' that happens to not be me.
I'd confront him, personally. But be calm. Always be calm.
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That doesn't mean what he's doing is OK. It's not a fatal character flaw or anything, but it's definitely immature and doesn't reflect highly on him. How old is he, out of curiosity? If he's 18, forget about it: he'll get over it. If he's 25, that's a little more worrisome.
However, that is pretty disrespectful to you, being his girlfriend.
I think he knows I read it, but maybe not as often as he thinks I do, So I don't think he knew I was going to see it.
He is my best friend though (minus my sister) so I try to be accepting of things he tells me from a friend stand point and a girl friend stand, which can be hard, but I want him to tell me everything so I really have to watch how I react to certain things, and really choose my battles carefully - so he told me about her yesterday and said she was attractive (he uses better words with me - not "hot") and probably the best looking girl in the class, but he told me because he knows I trust him and I find other man attractive, so I actually like that he told me instead of me seeing her without knowing she was pretty and being jealous.
I want everyone to get the right picture-this forum is for bragging, and degrading women sometimes so I am happy that I am not on there although it is flattering to be, I would not want to be a "hit" or a "skip" because I have a BF. Also most of his friends are the exact same way (don't like most of them, creepy-haha) so it is not super surprising that he has sunk to their level, I just know he is better than that, and wish he hadn't.
you are right -about approaching him, and I always try to be a calm as possible.
That said...
You don't have to be ok with it, and you don't have to worry about "snooping" because you weren't. You'd been to the forum before I'm assuming, so it's not something you did specifically to spy on him. You didn't steal any usernames or passwords, you didn't read his private emails. You saw a public posting on a public forum where he apparently identified himself well enough that you would know it was him. If he had simply posted a picture of the girl and said "Hey guys what do you think?", I'd say ignore it. The fact that he talks about her, gives details about interactions with her and how he finds her attractive doesn't mean he's planning to dump you or anything, but it does mean he's probably not as serious about a relationship as you seem to be. If you confront him, just be calm. Say "hey, I saw what you posted on xxxxxx forum. Is everything ok between us?" or something to that effect. If you really do feel strongly about it, don't just ball it up, because it will keep eating at you until it starts coming out in other ways, or you actually do start snooping, stealing his email passwords etc, and the relationship will self-destruct.
On the other hand, if you don't want to confront him about it, but still want to bust him, tell the girl he posted pictures of what he did. Something tells me she wouldn't be terribly happy with it, even less so if he gave out any details of who she is. It's a much more vindictive response though, and you should be prepared for backlash.
I agree with the "pat on the back" and as demeaning as it is to women it calms me to know that other guys know why he did it.
and I was not snooping: no stolen anything, it was clearly him (his name) on the forum, and he wasn't hiding it.
One thing I am worried about is that, that was only their first meeting (yesterday in class) and there are 16 weeks of school with two meeting a week... do you think this admiration will evolve (they are partners in the class)? or she is just hot and he has no intention of doing anything? should I ask him this question?
Sounds like a pretty douchey thing to do at 20. Maybe 15 it would be "immature". Not 20.
Just out of curiosity, how long have you been dating? Are you living together or seperately?
I'd say it takes two years of the real world before people start getting "it."
Of course, there are plenty of 35 year old counter examples to that.
I think I am going to tell him that is makes me uncomfortable, and makes me see him differently as a person, and I know he is better and more mature than that.
we have been together for four years, and we will separately.
20 may be an age where it's kinda not cool to do that kind of thing, but that doesn't stop the fact that people mature and age at different stages. Like, I'd say to mention you saw it, that it's not a big deal but that it made you wonder if there's reason to worry. Not that you do worry right now, but since he knows you trust him and vice versa it should be a calm easy conversation without any kind of awkward or odd things being said. If the relationship is going all gravy then I see no reason to worry, just mention it and keep cool about it.
With all due respect to the four years that the two of you have spent together, this is the type of thing that you should be able to talk with him about and not have a concern about his reaction. He's boldly posted on a forum that could be read by anyone (including his girlfriend), and shouldn't be surprised when anyone did read it. That said, I don't know that you have anything to worry about. At 20, I was three years into a relationship and I just remember having my eyes pop out of my head at every attractive girl I had class with. It's a normal reaction at such an age, especially given the long term commitment and his presumable lack of diversity in partners at this point. A little surprising that he's chosen to publicize this frustration, but I don't think he'd act on it.
The good news is that you could just keep tabs on the situation given the fact that he's posting it on the internet. Talk to the boy, this is so silly.
The one awesome (and the only awesome) thing about my ex girlfriend is that after a few weeks of discussing that to her, she finally understood that my interest was with her and if something happened to us (which it did) I wasn't going to just jump on the first hot girl I see (which I didn't). She finally started understanding that's just how guys are.
I'm not sure why this isn't being talked about a little more. But he's going to feel like your snooping on him. Do you go to the forum because you post? Are you interested in the topics? Are you part of the community? Does he know you visit this website? Or do you go there to see what he has posted? If you picked the last one, that's snooping. He may not have disguised himself or anything, but he's not giving you an invitation to look, even if it's publicly available. And I guarantee the second you say something to him, the very first words that come out of your mouth are going to be "Are you spying on me?" and he's going to be pretty justified in asking that, so be prepared.
As many people in this thread have said, this isn't an unnatural or unusual thing to do. Personally I would let it slide, unless he does something that effects the relationship, because if you bring up this topic with him, there is a likelihood you will break the trust in your relationship.
Everything has been helpful and how I felt exactly.
I know it should not be a big deal to talk about it, but I worry that he will think I am snooping and don't trust him-and I just have to be sure when we are talking that he knows I am not attacking him or accusing him of anything and that I trust him and just want to be sure she means nothing to him and that he intends to keep it that way. After four I think I have the right to voice my concerns, I would want to know how my actions affect him so I think he would too.
other girls are just a touchy subject with me, and I am always very emotional (cry) so I am going to try to make sure he knows even though I am crying it is not a really big, and that I just want him to know that it makes me see him differently when he acts that way.
Thank You. I wanted someone to talk about that. That is what I am worried about. I do look at it occasionaly-he knows that, I am not an avid visitor and I don't go on to just see what he posted, we have mutual friends that post on there and sometimes I do like the topics that are discussed, and no-I am not on the forums, I do not post, I just read, and then sometimes We talk about it in person if it was particularly funny (me and my BF).
so you think he will still think that I am snooping? he has thought that before, from on these forums, that is why I am worried mostly.
Then link us to it.
At the same time if you're crying because he posted a picture of another girl on the Internet, you might be better off not in a serious relationship until you've come to terms with whatever issues you've got that are underlying that. That's not really a "reasonable" reaction. Calling him up and being all "dude stop being fucking creepy and posting pictures of girls without their permission for you and your nerd friends to ogle" is somewhat more reasonable.
And I don't care what anyone claims, it's not fucking okay to look at women that way. She's not a car, or your case modded PC or a cat doing something cute. It's not alright to treat her like an object. You should really be concerned that your boyfriend doesn't see a problem with THAT, not that he oh my god might end up sleeping with her. I don't know your boyfriend, but it's not like everyone woman he finds attractive is going to want to sleep with him.
Especially if she finds out that he's been ogling her with his Internet friends.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
If you visit enough where he is aware that you look at the site(like if you talk about the topics) then he no reasonable expectation of privacy. He knows you are looking. Then you can talk to him without him feeling like your invading his space. For instance, I frequently mention interesting threads and topics on PA to my girlfriend, but she doesn't read the forum much and when she does it's not the portions I do. So I would be pretty thrown for a loop if she started talking about this stuff.
My rule would be is if you think you can say "Ya know I was reading the forum and blah...." and he's goes like "Yeah, cool" then you're in the clear, but if you think he would say "You were reading my forum?!" then you might to tread more carefully.
No. If he does think that, he's retarded. He posted this stuff on a public message board that he knows you occasionally read.
A while back I was busted by a friend for saying some nasty stuff about him (sort of) on these boards. I felt like an asshole. I didn't blame him for finding the comments, since they're publicly viewable.
As much as a message board is a public place, so are a lot of places. I mean, she could leave a tape recorder in the room to find out what he says when she's gone. It's a shared area between then, doesn't mean it's right. He has a right to a reasonable degree of privacy. I don't go read my gf's posts on the board she goes too. But if he knows she actively visits, then it's a different story.
And it sounds like she goes to the forum enough and he knows, so he should not expect any privacy there.
I view publicly available internet message boards as having about the same levels of privacy as yelling stuff into the street. It is my opinion that messages that are meant to be publicly available are not really covered under any reasonable argument of "you're snooping."
But if she's going there with the specific reason to find out what he is saying and he has no clue that she has ever visited the site, he will feel violated. Whether you think that is the correct feeling or not is irrelevant. I just wanted the OP to know that it is potentially something she will have to deal with and if she thinks it's worth it or has a reasonable defense to show that it wasn't spying.
Confront him about it. Better to know for sure and have him mad at you for a few days for "snooping" in his mind, than sitting there worried about it and getting the shock later on if something comes. Or if nothing comes, always having doubt in your mind
I do not go there to see what he is saying. We don't talk about all of the websites we go to daily or anything, so You are right, he may think I am watching him, and I will be there to make sure he doesn't, but now I am worried even more, he tends to take things the wrong when they deal with the internet, and that will only hurt me and us-I do not want him to feel like he has to create these secret identities on the internet just in case I go to that site too-I want us to be honest and open and I think talking him about it is a 50/50 right now, he could see it as me going on a site at work while I am bored, or he could take it the wrong way and think I am snooping on him-when I am not and never want to.
I wish I could ask him.
and even if he responds that it's harmless, and he's just having a laugh about it or whatever, at least you've brought it up and he knows your feelings about it, so that if he does it again he doesn't have any excuse, since he'd know that it'd hurt you.
yes. nip it in the bud. I would rather get this out of the way and not have me dwelling on it for no reason when it is probably just that-no reason.
I hope he will be understanding, I think I will let him know that I do not take it too seriously but that it sheds bad light on him, and I only want good. "so I was bored at work today and was on _____ ..." and see what he says. If he starts to laugh or whatever Ill know it is ok, but if he gets all serious about it, Ill start to worry.
Wait, he's thought that you're snooping from these forums? As in, he knows you post on these forums, and he may occassionally read them as well?
If that's what you're saying, you should probably confront him about this before he stumbles on this thread like you stumbled onto his.
yes, he snooped onto her myspace. that is another non-attractive part of it. really non-attractive.
I am trying to be calm, I know my boyfriend and I would like to think that I know what we would do in this situation. It is creepy what he did, and kind of gross and tacky. But he is my boyfriend and she has a boyfriend, so we'll see. I trust him and as gross as this situation is I think I am going to let it pass for today and bring it up tomorrow.
Very true!
You also say you trust him, but it sounds like you don't. Honestly, I don't blame ya though... it sounds pretty shady.
However! Sometimes when I am around my friends, I say things that I don't really mean about getting with girls (if I'm in a relationship :winky:). At first I felt bad about it... like even saying that even though I didn't mean it was being disloyal... but I know that I am not serious about it and you b/f might be doing the same thing w/ his buddies on this internet forum. Especially if I'm understanding correctly and this is a forum that is mainly for that kind of thing. He probably respects you too much to litter the forum with pictures of you, so in order to participate he found some chick in his class that is attractive and posted pictures of her.
Also, I don't think he has an obligation to tell you that he did this... or to even tell you about her at all since it would only upset you (as you said you have a problem w/ other girls). I think you are making this a bigger deal then it came out to be... right now it's kinda creepy but in 10 years do you think when you meet someone in class, find their myspace and show pics to your friends will be viewed as such?
Finally, talk to him about this ASAP! Do *not* brood on this, because it will grow in your mind and when you talk to him and say you saw it on the front page and it was like a week ago that it was there he either will think you went digging for it or you've been sitting on it for a week... both of which don't reflect admirably on your character if taken the wrong way.
The guy knows he's been caught but you're not trying to make him suffer for it with a big talk, plus you're likely to get the affirmation it seems like you probably need right now.