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What am I gonna do with my life
matisyahu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I don't even know where to start. I'm a junior in college, an English major (after going through phases in computer science and journalism), and I dread thinking about what's going on with my life. I think I might be depressed. I don't participate in any extracurricular activities, I'm not as serious about my studies as I would like to be, and I don't have a job. I had a 34 on my ACT (which is a 1500-something on the old SAT scale for you non-Midwesterners) but I've always felt like an underachiever, as I only had like a 2.9 thru my first 2 years of college. I've since transferred and got a 3.6 but I'm feeling the depression kicking in again. The only jobs I've had throughout college have been summer jobs-- working for my dad's shop for two summers, and last summer I worked as a waiter in another town.
Some serious minutiae coming up here, sorry.
I've felt like I was headed for pretty unavoidable failure for quite some time now, and I've tried to do things about it at points. I have a bit of a history with mental health treatment--I'll explain it here in this paragraph so skip on if you're not interested--my sophomore year of high school went to kind of a quack psychiatrist (bad reputation but he was covered on our family's plan) who prescribed me what I think was an excess of meds: Seroquel to sleep, Provigil to wake up, Lexapro and Welbutrin concurrently for depression, a bit much for a teenager whose only real problem was spending too much time playing Counter-Strike. I had a therapist at the same time but I think I only went about 6 times. Went off the meds after about a year. Went without therapy until my sophomore year of college although I really feel like I've always had a problem with depression, then I started prozac and group therapy. Well group only lasted a semester and it was nice and all but I ended up dropping out in the spring and taking a semester off which is when I got the job as a waiter, which was fun.
I'm constantly entertaining these ideas of things I'd like to do, but I think they've always been unrealistic fantasies. The most recent one has been teaching ESL. I had been scanning websites about going abroad and it seemed great, I've always wanted to go abroad. My school has a literacy center for adults trying to learn the language. Great training, right? Well, I went to the orientation and signed up and everything but when it came time to go I just flaked. I was overcome with a feeling of gross incompetence even though I was definitely no worse off than all the other people there, a lot of them were first time tutors too.
I used to want to join the Peace Corps, I thought a little government service would be good for me, and that's becoming a fantasy for me again now that I blew my shot with the English teaching, but they want people who have done things. The prospect of having to get a reference from an employer and a volunteer leader is daunting, because I'd actually have to do something. They also want a personal statement which should show how well I adapt to unfamiliar or stressful situations, which is kind of a microcosm of my entire problem: I'm probably no worse than anyone else, but when I think about why people would want to hire me my mind just turns and turns until I land on "why would anybody want to hire me, you'd have to be stupid to hire me."
Anything I ever think about doing seems impossible. My teachers have always been very positive about my writing, I've even been on staff and had reviews published in a national entertainment magazine, but everytime I sit down to write, before I even write one sentence I convince myself that it won't be any good. How am I supposed to convince a publisher to hire me when I can't convince myself to hire me? Sometimes I feel like I'm really losing it. I feel like I love books but everytime I try to read I fall asleep or lose concentration. I can't concentrate on anything but reruns. I constantly tell myself I'm gonna change but I never do and I don't know what to do.
I want to throw myself into something, be passionate about something, but I can't focus on anything. I feel like if someone were to put me to work, I would do a great job, but I have no proof of that and I don't feel like anybody would have a reason to believe me.
If someone asked me what values were important to me, I would say modesty, honesty, responsibility, and hard work. This is all I really care about. Think how miserable a person is who only cares about responsbility and industriousness but is neither responsible or industrious.
Any tips?
Some serious minutiae coming up here, sorry.
I've felt like I was headed for pretty unavoidable failure for quite some time now, and I've tried to do things about it at points. I have a bit of a history with mental health treatment--I'll explain it here in this paragraph so skip on if you're not interested--my sophomore year of high school went to kind of a quack psychiatrist (bad reputation but he was covered on our family's plan) who prescribed me what I think was an excess of meds: Seroquel to sleep, Provigil to wake up, Lexapro and Welbutrin concurrently for depression, a bit much for a teenager whose only real problem was spending too much time playing Counter-Strike. I had a therapist at the same time but I think I only went about 6 times. Went off the meds after about a year. Went without therapy until my sophomore year of college although I really feel like I've always had a problem with depression, then I started prozac and group therapy. Well group only lasted a semester and it was nice and all but I ended up dropping out in the spring and taking a semester off which is when I got the job as a waiter, which was fun.
I'm constantly entertaining these ideas of things I'd like to do, but I think they've always been unrealistic fantasies. The most recent one has been teaching ESL. I had been scanning websites about going abroad and it seemed great, I've always wanted to go abroad. My school has a literacy center for adults trying to learn the language. Great training, right? Well, I went to the orientation and signed up and everything but when it came time to go I just flaked. I was overcome with a feeling of gross incompetence even though I was definitely no worse off than all the other people there, a lot of them were first time tutors too.
I used to want to join the Peace Corps, I thought a little government service would be good for me, and that's becoming a fantasy for me again now that I blew my shot with the English teaching, but they want people who have done things. The prospect of having to get a reference from an employer and a volunteer leader is daunting, because I'd actually have to do something. They also want a personal statement which should show how well I adapt to unfamiliar or stressful situations, which is kind of a microcosm of my entire problem: I'm probably no worse than anyone else, but when I think about why people would want to hire me my mind just turns and turns until I land on "why would anybody want to hire me, you'd have to be stupid to hire me."
Anything I ever think about doing seems impossible. My teachers have always been very positive about my writing, I've even been on staff and had reviews published in a national entertainment magazine, but everytime I sit down to write, before I even write one sentence I convince myself that it won't be any good. How am I supposed to convince a publisher to hire me when I can't convince myself to hire me? Sometimes I feel like I'm really losing it. I feel like I love books but everytime I try to read I fall asleep or lose concentration. I can't concentrate on anything but reruns. I constantly tell myself I'm gonna change but I never do and I don't know what to do.
I want to throw myself into something, be passionate about something, but I can't focus on anything. I feel like if someone were to put me to work, I would do a great job, but I have no proof of that and I don't feel like anybody would have a reason to believe me.
If someone asked me what values were important to me, I would say modesty, honesty, responsibility, and hard work. This is all I really care about. Think how miserable a person is who only cares about responsbility and industriousness but is neither responsible or industrious.
Any tips?
i dont even like matisyahu and i dont know why i picked this username
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p.s. unrelated but are you the real matisyahu? probably not but one could never really tell. bleh nevermind
I guess start thinking about things on a small scale. It's a lot harder to fuck up if you keep your eye on the ball and whats infront of you. After you catch it, then you get to pick what you want to do.
In other words, when you sit down to read. Just read one chapter, or five pages, or whatever. And then read another five. Don't think about reading the whole book, or reading five chapters. Just. Take small, confident steps to get the job done.
Oh. And stop "feeling" and shit so much. Count how many times you said that in your post. You need a little confidence. Even if it is false confidence, it is a lot more important than not having it.
I guess I figured it would help to write it all out. I've been conscious of this vague "ugh"-ness for a while but writing it out makes it a big more tangible. I don't really know what I'm asking. My gut tells me that it's too late to get my life on track, but my brain tells me that that's a moronic thing for a 20-year old to think. What's my first step? I find myself crapped out into this weird world without any real interests or work experience, no friends outside of the ones I made in junior high, really. I'm so far behind in the world it doesn't even seem like bothering with ambition.
I live in the city of Chicago, which I've heard is a great city but I wouldn't know since I've only really experienced my apartment, my school, and the L ride in between. Is there stuff in big cities for people who don't do anything to do? How do you find nice people in big places?
It sounds like you had bad experience treating said depression when you were younger and didn't have a choice on which counselor to speak with.
I'd beg of you - please try some others. Find a doctor you can talk to, see if he can't help you more than your old med-heavy fool or refer to someone who can help.
You're in college now - you say you can't see anybody hiring you because they want "people who have done things"? Here's a hint: Few college students have done shit all. A volunteer org like the Peace Corps isn't going to turn you away because you haven't earned a Nobel prize for helping the impoverished in Africa.
Try to find some meaning in life. It's unpopular on these boards, I suspect, but look into religion. It's kept me afloat, and I have (and do) struggle(d) with depression.
Just please remember - life seems terribly hard now, but college is tremendously psychologically taxing. Lots of people struggle with "meaning of life" questions when they're first out on their own and have to pick a life's calling.
And in college, you're still very very young. So nothing you pick in college is permanent; don't think of it as slotting you permanently into a path; Anyone can redirect their life many times over once they've graduated.
-Set goals, write them down. Write them ALL down. Even if your goal for the day is to wash the dishes or your laundry. Write it. Do it. Scratch it off the list.
-I don't know if you do this or not, but don't belittle yourself. Don't kid about it either! If you're about to say something like "I suck!" or "I could never do that," hold back the urge. Think it as much as you want, but don't voice that thought. (it seems so stupid, and yet I think just this alone made such a big difference in the way I see myself).
-Travel. I was very fortunate to work on some cruise ships for a number of weeks, and everything about those experiences was fantastic for me. Seeing different cities and countries can be eye-opening in and of itself, but the sort of people you meet and the social atmospheres of the ships I worked on helped me build a lot of social skills, and in turn confidence in myself. EDIT: I mention the cruise ship thing because a) it can help you "get away from it all" for a while. b) Forces you to meet a lot of new people and that's always a life learning experience. and c) certain positions on ships have little to no hiring requirements. I'm not saying they hire anyone, but if you pretend like you're energetic and genuinely just want to do a good job, they'll want you on board.
-Focus can be learned. Force yourself to focus on whatever the task at hand is, and not let your thoughts stray, even for a second. Listening to music, watching TV, reading a book, talking on the phone. Whatever it is you are doing, always focus on ONE thought at a time, and don't let others interfere.
This is one of the best places to start, I recently came out of a depression that spanned the better part of a year and the day I decided to actually make a goal and go after it, I started to get out of the rut I found myself in and started making something of myself.
Put yourself out there, do something, quit being negative because that isn't getting you anywhere. Quarter life crises like this are fairly common. Going to Junior College is certainly a great place to breed those feelings, too. I certainly had similar feelings while I was figuring out what I wanted to do.
We can't make you passionate about anything, but a doctor can diagnose a mental condition, if you have one.
If you have so much time, I suggest exercising (running/cycling), it has been proven to aid/eliminate depression, maybe it will make you feel better.