The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Getting out of my parents' grasps.
Mim
dead.Registered User regular
dead.Registered User regular
I feel as though I've written this before or read a very similar thread to the one I'm about to post but being unable to do the search function, I wouldn't know.
Anyways, I am 19 (turning 20 this Saturday), in college, currently unemployed (have had jobs before, so it's not like I like to live the "bum" life) and living with my parents. Each year since the time I've been 13 they have always said I'll be able to do what I want when I want when I turn 18. Since 18, they have tacked on another year. Now it's at 21.
I would like to travel around on my own or with friends and not have to ask my parents permission. I don't smoke, drink (to my mom's knowledge, my father lets me), I don't even leave my house unless going to school or with them. I do chores and the only thing I seem to fail at is keeping my room neat. I try hard in school, I go to church when they force me to go, and I pretty much do everything they ask of me. I haven't even had sex, which my mother has said I should be 20 when I lose it, but I'm sure she will tack another year onto that as well.
They keep saying they want me to experience life and to go out and have fun, but they won't let me do that and instead just expect me to get a job, go to school and do what they consider "fun" i.e. my mother wants me to join the same sorority she joined and keep my grandmother company (my mom's mom, my mother basically seeks to keep us away from my father's family even though we live closer to them and I like the a lot more than my mom's mom). Basically their words are not meeting their actions. They want me to be mature, but every time I try to make an adult decision I get shut down. They don't even tell me how to go about doing these things.
My father said the only way to do that is by moving out, but I'd like to not have to spend more money than I already have to with loans and such to go to school. I don't ask for much and really only ask for things if its my birthday or Christmas and rarely do I ask for things in between. I try to stay out of their way as possible and I always ask permission before I do something, which I am getting fed up with.
This all came about because this summer I would like to go somewhere for three weeks. My mom and dad told me no and said only one week because apparently something can happen in three weeks that wouldn't happen in one. But I shouldn't have to ask and I shouldn't be given a limitation because I'm 20 years old. I asked for a more logical reason other than "Because I said so" and my mother couldn't give me one. She said when I have kids I will understand and I said "If my kid was 16, I'd say no. If she was 20, I'd let her." She said because I can't see it from her point of view it just proves I'm not mature enough. And that if I'm to be going somewhere for three weeks I might as well just be living there. Which to me seemed retarded, I'm asking for 3 weeks not 3 months.
How do I gain the much wanted freedom and become a mature adult if my parents aren't showing me how to? They haven't even told me how to do taxes or pay bills or handle school matters and every time I ask them to show me they do it for me instead which defeats the learning experience. Apparently being a trust worthy young adult who respects them isn't enough.
My younger sister gets more respect than I do and she's incredibly pushy and always asking for money. She gets to go off to a college far away from us (though my mom is displeased with this) but she's able to. I want that freedom as well.
And I'm sorry if I sound like I'm bitching, I'm just at a loss.
TL;DR I want freedom, dammit, and I don't know exactly how to go about it.
Anyways, I am 19 (turning 20 this Saturday), in college, currently unemployed (have had jobs before, so it's not like I like to live the "bum" life) and living with my parents. Each year since the time I've been 13 they have always said I'll be able to do what I want when I want when I turn 18. Since 18, they have tacked on another year. Now it's at 21.
I would like to travel around on my own or with friends and not have to ask my parents permission. I don't smoke, drink (to my mom's knowledge, my father lets me), I don't even leave my house unless going to school or with them. I do chores and the only thing I seem to fail at is keeping my room neat. I try hard in school, I go to church when they force me to go, and I pretty much do everything they ask of me. I haven't even had sex, which my mother has said I should be 20 when I lose it, but I'm sure she will tack another year onto that as well.
They keep saying they want me to experience life and to go out and have fun, but they won't let me do that and instead just expect me to get a job, go to school and do what they consider "fun" i.e. my mother wants me to join the same sorority she joined and keep my grandmother company (my mom's mom, my mother basically seeks to keep us away from my father's family even though we live closer to them and I like the a lot more than my mom's mom). Basically their words are not meeting their actions. They want me to be mature, but every time I try to make an adult decision I get shut down. They don't even tell me how to go about doing these things.
My father said the only way to do that is by moving out, but I'd like to not have to spend more money than I already have to with loans and such to go to school. I don't ask for much and really only ask for things if its my birthday or Christmas and rarely do I ask for things in between. I try to stay out of their way as possible and I always ask permission before I do something, which I am getting fed up with.
This all came about because this summer I would like to go somewhere for three weeks. My mom and dad told me no and said only one week because apparently something can happen in three weeks that wouldn't happen in one. But I shouldn't have to ask and I shouldn't be given a limitation because I'm 20 years old. I asked for a more logical reason other than "Because I said so" and my mother couldn't give me one. She said when I have kids I will understand and I said "If my kid was 16, I'd say no. If she was 20, I'd let her." She said because I can't see it from her point of view it just proves I'm not mature enough. And that if I'm to be going somewhere for three weeks I might as well just be living there. Which to me seemed retarded, I'm asking for 3 weeks not 3 months.
How do I gain the much wanted freedom and become a mature adult if my parents aren't showing me how to? They haven't even told me how to do taxes or pay bills or handle school matters and every time I ask them to show me they do it for me instead which defeats the learning experience. Apparently being a trust worthy young adult who respects them isn't enough.
My younger sister gets more respect than I do and she's incredibly pushy and always asking for money. She gets to go off to a college far away from us (though my mom is displeased with this) but she's able to. I want that freedom as well.
And I'm sorry if I sound like I'm bitching, I'm just at a loss.
TL;DR I want freedom, dammit, and I don't know exactly how to go about it.
BlueSky: thequeenofchaos Steam: mimspanks (add me then tell me who you are! Ask for my IG)
Mim on
0
Posts
I've had very similar issues with my parents (mom specifically) in the past. Only recently have I come to terms with it. This has come about through a combination of the following:
0a) DEMONSTRATING that I can fucking take care of myself. i.e., getting my shit together re: school, work, social life, and
0b) PROACTIVELY calling her and telling her about it.
In the past, she would call me and basically nag me about those previously mentioned things and I would end up feeling defensive. When I took the steps of proactively keeping her informed, the tables were flipped, she worried less, she trusted me more, and everyone was happier.
1) Asking for help when I needed it.
Paradoxically, this gave me more freedom, because my mom knew that I would still feel comfortable going to her for her help and wisdom when I needed it, and that I wouldn't completely cut her off just because I'm all independent now. Thus, she wouldn't needlessly offer her "wisdom" when it wasn't asked for.
I think point #0a above is the most important.
Hope that helps! Keep us posted.
Peace, K
Anyway, you want to leave the house and go do stuff? Don't ask them, tell them. Really, you are old enough to do what you want as long as you're sure you're not getting in over your head. I mean, does it really matter to you when your mom thinks you should start having sex? (NOT to say that you should rush to seek it out, of course.) If you want to make your own decisions, just make them. I wouldn't necessarily start with that trip though, might be better to work your way towards that through other things you think they're oppressing you with.
Sounds like its not really your fault persay, but that your parents have a little 'empty nest' thing going on.
It also seems like you have a fairly open relationship with them, would it be out of the question to suggest they talk to some other of their friends who have children and get their opinion? If it comes from THEIR friends, it might be more likely to hold weight.
Just a thought.
I'm trying to do this, I'm not a bad student and I don't go out and club or anything. I talk mildly with people and it bugs my mom I don't talk enough to people and that all my friends are in other states
I live with her, and tell her pretty much everything that is safe to tell her.
I do this as well. I go to her for help, and sometimes even that backfires on me. Then I'm not being adult enough and taking a stand. Which I am actively trying to do.
I'm not trying to shoot down your advice, I'm just saying I already do these things, or at least a good chunk of them. Beyond getting a job much of my stuff seems to be in order.
My sister is still here, and she plans to go to Las Vegas for school. My mom keeps trying to change her mind though.
My parents have friends, but unlike my parents they waited to have kids (and those kids aren't even near my age, not even in double digits yet). My parents had me when they were 19 and 20. I know my parents aren't each other's firsts which makes it laughable that my mom wants me to wait till I'm 20 or married. They keep saying it was a different time and they had to grow up super fast but I don't buy it.
I know my mom has a very controlling mother, and while I notice she is JUST LIKE her mom she denies it (using extremes to prove her point when I'm not even talking about extreme behaviors). Her mom monitored her every move. If she wasn't home on the dot, she'd be in trouble. My grandmother now does this to my sis and I calling in five times a day to make sure we're at home. And if we're not in church, we're obviously doing something wrong.
I used to drink, I haven't had a drink since September so its not an constant on going thing. My father let me because he comes from a MUCH more liberal family background than my mom does. He's been drinking since the age of five. No, that isn't a lie.
I will try with smaller things, and work my way up. It's just annoying at the moment. I would like tips on growing up and my parents are definitely failing me on this front. The statements "GROW UP" and "You don't have to worry about that yet you're still young" seem to be aimed at me all the fucking time.
yes it's certainly a bit of a pickle. On the one hand you want more freedom, on the other hand your parents aren't giving you sufficient means to attain said freedom.
I can only offer two suggestions:
1) Talk to your parents about the general problem as you see it, calmly and logically (which perhaps you have already tried). As in, "I'd like you to show me how to pay the bills, taxes etc so that I can learn to be responsible for myself."
2) Seek out your friends for advice on how to do certain things, some of them might have more experience at that stuff than you do. You're only 20 and shouldn't be embarassed about not knowing stuff (in my opinion - I'm 21).
As for the 3 weeks, that's a tough one. It seems like the "Our house, our rules" kind of thing, and I can't offer any strong advice because I haven't been in that situation. I gather you think there'll be some repercussions if you choose to ignore them and go for 3 weeks anyway?
And as lame as this sounds, I've been going on wiki how/e how to look up articles on growing up and being more mature, etc. One of my friends has enough trouble talking up to his own parents, and my other friend tends to think I'm being ungrateful, even though she has on occasion noticed that I get treated unfairly by my parents in comparison to my sister.
You don't need your parents to teach you how to do a tax return - go to a library, log onto the internet, contact a free legal advice service, the tax office, or your local government office.
Get a job. Part of independence is financial independence.
Don't ask your parents for anything you don't need. If they want to get you a birthday present, it's on them.
Stop acting entitled. Independence is not something you are given for being a good boy.
Embrace your responsibilities: They aren't "chores", they are things you choose to do in order to contribute to a working household, of which you are a member.
Hanging out with grandma is something you do out of respect for both her and your mother.
If your mother still does your washing, or still cooks every meal, etc, take some more responsibilities on board. Do your own washing. Cook a meal once or twice a week.
Hehe yeh, it does get more complicated when they're paying.
I suppose then it's a matter of getting another job and being able to support yourself at least to some degree. If they're not willing to listen, I guess that's the only thing they'll be able to understand.
Good girl.
And my mother does not do my wash nor cook my meals (lord does she not cook my meals..). She doesn't even cook her own meals.
And maybe you're getting the vibe I feel entitled, but that's not how I'm trying to come off. I see as, I'm a good kid, there is no reason to not trust me, so why not trust me?
Sorry 'bout that.
Who does do your washing/cooks your meals? You?
I don't think you get this independence thing. Your parents have no say over whether you are independent or not. It's all on you.
Indeed I do.
True, my parents can't declare me independent, but they're still stopping me from doing things that don't let me be seen as independent and certainly don't make me feel that way. Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, I'm not sure. But if I try to do one thing, they seem to stop me from doing that thing if they see it as unfit. Kind of puts the damper on the independence thing.
Also, on the grandmother front, if you knew her, you'd definitely understand. I did try to visit her, and every time I did...I would get into it but I don't want to bitch more than I already have. Lets just leave it at "Never again."
If you don't want to follow your parents advice stop relying on them for money and move out or pay board.
They can tell you what to do because they feed, clothe and house you.
Satans..... hints.....
Well, I think they stop you because you LET them. Because you are bound by the money they provide for you. If you were paying for the trip yourself it might be a different story.
It's not about feeling independent, it's about BEING independent. You either are or you aren't.
If you're not, you can't expect people to treat you as such (not that I'm saying that of you), but if you are, you're still allowed to ask for help once in a while.
Cool.
Your parents can't stop you from being independent. They can put restrictions on how you use their money, however. If you want them to be a bit looser on those restrictions you can try arguing it out with them, but that's still not being independent. If, on the other hand, you pay for your own ticket, they don't really have any way to stop you from spending three weeks there.
Oh, trust me, I understand. I'm lucky enough to have ocean between me and my crazy grandmother - but regardless, spending time with your family can be a responsibility you just have to take on the jaw. Of course, being independent also means being able to tell grandma to stick it if needs be, but it should never be a chore that your mother has to nag you into doing.
Controling and hypocritical parents, a strong disire to please them, a controling grandmother, you seem to be the 1st born and have a younger sibling who has (seemingly) more freedom than you.
You seem like a female version of myself.
As for your problems:
You say you are in college and (I infer) said college is close to home. Do you live at the dorms or an appartment, or at home? If you live away from them, do they have a problem with you staying at school for 3+ weeks? (Granted that's not the same but the principle still stands.)
As for traveling for 3 weeks, I wish you the best of luck, you are a legal adult now, you may not be able to drink, but good god you could join the army without their consent, you should be able to travel freely within the borders of the US without their permission too.
If worse comes to worse you can get a job and a room mate and move out.
In my experience parents never truly loose the sence of when you had to be led my then hand and spoonfed. In other words, they love you and want to protect you, especially from the mistakes that they made at the same age. They also want you to experience the same joys that they had at the same age. When you fail to live up to this unfair (and unwritten) standard they tend get a little edgy.
As for you sister getting more (supposed) freedom see above standard and remember that you came first and therefore are even more permanently etched into your parents memories as a child.
This is my experience. Take from it what you will and apply it to you as you see fit.
Oh and as for sex, I think my rule of "My body. Not yours. None of your business." applies. Though you parents will free to disagree with this.
Good luck. I hope all turns out well.
If they're paying for the ticket, then you really don't have much to complain about regarding this trip. They're willing to pay, if you set the travel time to what they want. Doesn't sound too unreasonable, really. You have a choice: Go free for a week, don't go, or find a way to pay yourself and go for three weeks.
He can.
But when someone else is paying for it it's their decision how to spend their money.
Satans..... hints.....
Mim is a woman, and yes I agree with you, she needs to get a job to get her own money.
I don't want to be a jerk but you have it made. All you have to do is follow a couple of rules and you have a place to live, power paid, no upkeep expenses, school paid, and(most likely) twenty other things that you never think about because they are not your responsibility.
The reason why you don't have any freedom isn't because your parents are forcing you, but you're still relying on their wallet it seems. So the easy thing to do is to get rid of that.
You want that trip, 200 isn't that hard to make with a 10 hour a week job after school or on the weekend.
And if you have sex, who's to tell you Mum? Maybe I'm just a British guy and more stoic than you American types, but I'd never ask my parents for permission to do anything like that. Ever. What the fuck is it their deal anyway?
Much in the same way you would rather imagine your folks are vigorously going over lasts weeks receipts than banging on the headboard every Tuesday night, your folks would rather imagine that you are keeping to a busy schedule and running merrily about some imaginary town. Appearances, saving face, the suspension of disbelief; whatever you'd like to call it, everybody needs a slice. In this case, that slice is granted by means of compressed scheduling.
That whole thing where there are conversations you simply do not want to have with your parents goes both ways. Not just sex, but their own evaluations and judgments of you as a person. No doubt, there are issues that they feel they cannot broach with you without damaging the relationship or starting a huge fight. When parents say things like 'because I said so', it is more than likely to be these very kinds of conversations they are trying to avoid. Alternatively, there are some things that parents know that they don't like the idea of their children knowing they know. Even when those children are grown.
Proving responsibility is a hard go, but someone above there said 'get a job', and thats a pretty fine way to go. You'll need to put yourself in a situation, removed from family, that requires you to be responsible. That way your parents know that you can be accountable to other people and come through. It also puts a bit of pressure on them, because no parent likes the feeling that someone else trusts you more than they trust you. If random guy A trusts you to be there on time and handle certain things because you have proven yourself capable of doing so, certainly your parents can display as much trust as someone unknown to them. Good luck with that.
The way I proved that I was? I moved out. Yes, it was difficult financially, and yes, it was quite a shock emotionally. But it was so worth it. Immediately I had complete control of everything that had to do with me. She was really angry about it, but came around after a couple of weeks, and has since been completely fine.
So, while it's possible that you might be able to find another solution, I personally don't see it happening. Even if you do get a job, you're still living in their house, and as such, you will have to obey their rules. If they are paying for anything, you lose a little bit of your "right" to your own way. Some parents can break themselves of the authoritative parenting style, and some can't. It sounds like yours are the latter, and as such, you should remove yourself from the situation when you can.
As for the trip, if they're paying for it you're just going to have to accept it. It's a gift: accept it gracefully as an adult would. May help you earn some brownie points with them in the end.
Move out.
????
Profit!
There's not much to it. As long as you live with them and they are financially responsible for you, you'll have to put up with them holding you back.