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In love with the best friend (long and complicated)

MykonosMykonos Registered User regular
edited February 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
I'm sorry for the massive ramble, I figure it would be best if I just made a list of things that are messing with my mind while keeping the entire backstory within the spoiler tagged.

Were best friends, were the only ones who fully 'get' each other.
We share our most intimate secrets, talk about problems, our sex lives etc
She tells me she loves me; obviously in terms of friendship; though incessently jokes about having sex with me.
When drunk, she would latch on to me, saying things like 'i can see myself making out with you but that would be bad...or, 'bad for our friendship'
she knows how I feel about her, despite that our friendship has grown (or so it appears)
she tells me how much she respects me and my work ethic, and how much she admires the person I am as a whole - the complete antithethis of the men she has been involved with.
I have been dating others, she has not,
She refuses to be in a committed relationship, though has emphasized the possibility...quote: "after what I have put you through if anyone deserves me its you
Her girlfriends are bringing her down both accedemically and socially, allowing her increased drinking to affect her negativedly in work, school, and health.
She calls me; I never call her
In the end, I called her out on her shit and moved on, though right now its just eating me inside


I'm in the spot most guys don't want be, and every day it's becoming increasingly difficult to bare - being in love with the best friend. However, this situation is just one big mind-!@#$, and I need some help to sort it out and see if what I'm about to do is the right thing.

Here's the backstory
We met in sophmore year through her friend I was dating at the time. That relationship did not last long yet flash forward a year later me and this girl, her name Ashley, have sort of met again thanks to our adderall induced all nighters at the library. At first it was clear with both of us that we just enjoyed each others company and didn't plan to make things of it, but as time went we hung out practically everyday doing everything together.

This went on for a year. We would share each others most intimate secrets, exchange stories about our sex lives, give each other advice on dating the opposite sex, our personal problems both social and/or at home...stuff we have nor woud we ever tell anybody else. We would stay up all night just being with each other, doing just random stuff though never indulging in anything physical beyond cuddling. During this time I had fallen in love with her, but I will elaborate upon that in due time.

The backstory on ashley
When I first met her she had never even kissed a guy nor drank any alchohal whatsoever. Suddenly, during her junior before her and i became such close friends she decided she didn't want to be a virgin anymore and allowed herself to be with a senior she met at a party. Well, as any typical and emotional naive girls, she falls for the guy, who ended up just treating her as a cheap object, refused to comit, and even went as far as sexually taking advantage of her, without a condom, forcing her to go in for the morning after pill. By this time, we had almost reached our peak of friendship and I was there to console her and do the typical shit us best friends hate to do. For a three month period she ended up doing random one night stands, getting drunk off her ass almost every night, she's done coke, lost three jobs, and failed a semester at school.

What I ended up doing

We met in march, became best friends by summer, in fall I told her how I felt, and she responded as anticipated and told me that despite our connection she doesn't feel the same way, though she admitted it was her fault because she was aware of her attachment to that guy and told me that it was very possible once she gets over him she can be more in a confortable position emotionally and allow herself to express her true fealings for me (in otherwords, i got a chance)

despite this, our friendship was not only maintained but grew, if that was possible. we hung out more, we confided in each more, she cleaned up her act and stopped doing the one nighters - but her drinking has not stopped. I ended up stopping myself from going to bars with her - then stopped drinking entirely now for the sake of graduating, though we see each other daily.

So here's what I started doing. I started seeing someone else (have been dating other people for months as soon as I told her my feelings) while she hasn't had a date since that one guy graduated. She goes out with her new girlfriends (the very loud and drunk types) while I continue on with my sober lifestyle. Now I'm pushing her away - saying no to when she wants to meet, sometimes fibbing to her that I'm with girl x at the moment. Tonight, for the first time since last october, she calls me up to go out with her and her friends. This is the first time in months she has invited me out to drink with her so i decided to flatter myself and go. I see her and her friends in the parking lot, acting like drunken idiots, calling passerbies fags and what not, and I walk up to her and I say "you all are acting like a bunch of fucking idiots," and walked into car and drove off. She called me minutes later crying, begging me not to be mad at her etc and I tell her I'm just dissapointed.

I plan on telling her next time I see her that, because of my feelings, it's too painful for me to keep seeing her - especially when she acts like a totally different person when drunk, and that for the sake of both of us it would be best if i just moved on.

[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"I was born; six gun in my hand; behind the gun; I make my final stand"~Bad Company
Mykonos on

Posts

  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Dude, you yourself said that this girl is your best friend. It's really not cool to just stop being friends with her because she's drinking too much. If anything, you should talk to her about it. You know, tell her that you really value your friendship with her but when she goes out drinking with her girlfriends she's a different person, blah blah blah, et cetera.

    Talk to her and try to get a handle on how she feels. It's not worth losing your best friend over something retarded.

    Clint Eastwood on
  • MykonosMykonos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    oh trust me, i've tried that many times -but it's not the drinking, it's the fact that i've fallen for her, but still ends up like listening to her many 'exploits' as though I were gay and woudn't be bothered, or having to be the one to save her from god knows what. and it sucks cuz when she's sober...god she's cool as hell, but i don't see that person very often ne more.


    now that i've typed this shit out I'm really seeing how f-ed up it is.

    Mykonos on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "I was born; six gun in my hand; behind the gun; I make my final stand"~Bad Company
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she is actually really into you, she wants to be in a relationship with you, but something's holding her back. Whether she's afraid that you don't feel the same, or she's afraid that she's not good enough, or she's afraid that you look down on her drinking, or she's afraid of getting too close to somebody (or all of the above) is hard to say. But people don't say things like "after what I have put you through if anyone deserves me its you" or call you crying for your esteem unless their feelings transcend simple friendship.

    So forget the "best friend" part of it for a second. Here's a girl who is into you; you're into her. But she's got issues, she has a history of alcohol and drug problems, none of which are going to magically go away if you get into a relationship with her. Are your feelings for her strong enough for you to weather the chaos that would undoubtedly ensue if you got together with her? [y/n]

    If the answer is "no," then back off, take a break from her for a little while, go date other people, and come back to it when you can have a friendship with her without tripping all over yourself.

    If the answer is "yes," then - well, you have the opportunity to strike up a romantic partnership with your best friend, which is something that very, very few people ever actually get. I'd say go for it. However, if you do this, it's your right to say that you want her to clean up her act. Just recognize that she's not going to clean up and get healthy just because you want her to.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • blue powderblue powder Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Don't cut her off, talk to her. How old are you both anyway? You're best friends, remember that.

    blue powder on
  • MykonosMykonos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    were both 22, and your right, we are best and i should at least maintain that. It's interesting though at the prospect that she may be in to me, as others have told me the same after seeing us both interact. If that's the case, the obviouse thing holding her back is the issue with that one guy, who she admits still feels attached to and pushes herself away from those who she feels threatens that imaginary bond between them. Though this month hes finnally moving away from our college town and she told me she hopes now will be her chance to get over him and start thinking clearly. She has also told me, in a joking fashion, that although i have not made ne progress, neither has any other guy - because of this issue she's dealing.

    I was hoping once this passes things may work out. Were both going to end up being fifth year seniors togethor because of our majors, so we have another year to work this out before i officially move on post graduation, but i just can't stand the prospect of not taking her with me even factoring the status quo

    Mykonos on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "I was born; six gun in my hand; behind the gun; I make my final stand"~Bad Company
  • Double_FacesDouble_Faces Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    What's funny is that short list of what's going on before the spoiler tag is exactly what I'm coming out of. I mean exactly. Down to the word choices of the girl. Only mine didn't seem to go on as long as yours has.

    What I did was keep being my joking self. The girl I was into never liked talking and "figuring out" stuff. She would rather I be that guy she was friends with before. So I was a smart-ass, didn't treat her like a princess anymore (I wasn't rude in seriousness, and still did nice things) and she realized that a relationship with me would be very low stress.

    Now your story has a rougher element with the whole drinking thing... and I don't know what to do about that.

    Any other words, thanks for letting me talk about my relationship on your post. I hope it helped.

    Double_Faces on
    SSBB Code: 0258 9993 5495
  • MykonosMykonos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    What's funny is that short list of what's going on before the spoiler tag is exactly what I'm coming out of. I mean exactly. Down to the word choices of the girl. Only mine didn't seem to go on as long as yours has.

    What I did was keep being my joking self. The girl I was into never liked talking and "figuring out" stuff. She would rather I be that guy she was friends with before. So I was a smart-ass, didn't treat her like a princess anymore (I wasn't rude in seriousness, and still did nice things) and she realized that a relationship with me would be very low stress.

    Now your story has a rougher element with the whole drinking thing... and I don't know what to do about that.

    Any other words, thanks for letting me talk about my relationship on your post. I hope it helped.

    wow, thats good to know, and that's the same thing I'm trying to show her is that things really wouldn't be much different and it would be low stress.

    glad to know theres hope

    Mykonos on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "I was born; six gun in my hand; behind the gun; I make my final stand"~Bad Company
  • MoopMoop Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Call her. You say you don't call her- well, change that- it'll take her by surprise. make it the two of you, for lunch or coffee.

    Then ask her, point blank, "where do I fit?"

    Ask her where she places you in her life- and then tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you're in love with her, and it kills you to see her doing fucked-up shit with her life- and tell her that despite how you feel, you can't sit on the sidelines and say nothing anymore. Tell her you really, truly care about her (you've been friends for years now, right? She knows this is true). It sounds like she's the type of girl that let one bad experience ruin her perceptions of relationships- help her see that not all of them are like that, and that if, given the chance, you could and WOULD make her happy. Most importantly, focus on the fact that you want to help her- simply come clean with your true feelings for her but downplay them - don't make the conversation's focus "I'm in love with you" - make it "I'm in love with you, but more importantly, I'm your friend and it kills me to see you like this." If she's still calling you to hang out, she obviously cares about you, and if she jokes about kissing you, etc.- those jokes have roots in truth, most likely. If you come to her in a way that shows your legitimate concern for her well-being, and she takes it seriously, she'll appreciate it more than you'll ever know- and you can go from there. If she blows you off or doesn't take you seriously, I think it's time you cut your losses, wish her well and say au revoir.

    Moop on
  • PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Moop wrote: »
    Call her. You say you don't call her- well, change that- it'll take her by surprise. make it the two of you, for lunch or coffee.

    Then ask her, point blank, "where do I fit?"

    He already knows. There's no magic force field preventing a relationship. She just doesn't want one with him, despite the game playing and stringing him along, and reading anything else into it is pointless.


    it would be best if i just moved on.

    Yeah dude. Don't bother telling her - it will casue more pointless drama, not get her to realise her knight in shining armor had been next to her all along.

    Just go forth and prosper.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
  • MykonosMykonos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    hehe your right piratejon, not to sound conceited but it really would be her loss in the end, not mine

    still...who knows were this will end up

    Mykonos on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "I was born; six gun in my hand; behind the gun; I make my final stand"~Bad Company
  • KingAgamemnonKingAgamemnon Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Reading some of the descriptions about her. It sounds like she is in self destruct mode, probably from a depression which may be tied to anxiety over something. Maybe her future, maybe her past.

    Hmm, because this is something that I went through in college, I was daunted and instead of trying to overcome my problems, I wallowed and set myself back (set back with friends and with academics but not with mind numbing drugs).

    I think Moop has the right idea, and you should at least try his advice before cutting her off. You must make it VERY clear that you really care for her as more than friends and that you are worried for her health and that you want her to get help. It does seem like she is afraid to care for you (since you're not an asshole like she is used to), something must have set her down this spiral (what is her home life like?). If you just cut her off, she may just completely collapse, now she still might no matter what you do, but I think you should try HARD once more.

    KingAgamemnon on
  • MykonosMykonos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    moop definitely has some gold lines I could use. I think once this weekend rolls around I'll talk to her once more, who knows.

    Mykonos on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    "I was born; six gun in my hand; behind the gun; I make my final stand"~Bad Company
  • PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Don't. Please. You already sound close to being one of those creepy "Nice Guys".

    Just... move on.

    In six months or a year, maybe try again when you're both in different places.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
  • RaslinRaslin Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Jon, he's ready to move on and leave her. There is no downside for him asking her. If she's not interested, he goes his seperate way. If she's interested, and willing to get her shit together, things could work out between them.

    I have a briefcase here. There's a 99% chance its full of blank paper, but there's a 1% chance its full of twenty dollar bills. Want the briefcase?

    Raslin on
    I cant url good so add me on steam anyways steamcommunity.com/id/Raslin

    3ds friend code: 2981-6032-4118
  • SpecularitySpecularity Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Raslin, I'm not sure we can turn people into probabilities. Can I go out with your briefcase for some coffee so I can gauge its twenty-dollar-billedness? I do think I understand his point, though; that is, maybe if you ask her point-blank what's up and what she might like to do with you that something you want to happen will happen. However, it sounds like she's effectively evading the situation.

    I'm glad to see that you're concerned, at least, about her livelihood, at least a bit, but you should really take to heart the thought that her choices are her own. You mentioned that you thought Moop had some good ideas; I think he's getting at the right thought, in that you should focus on the fact (I hope) that you care more about her well-being than what's inside her pants. In addition, if she takes this input positively, don't take it as necessarily meaning that she now wants to make you her One and Only. Best friends, no matter the gender, really do, or at least should, care about the thoughts and ideas of the other. If you don't think you're at that stage still with her (it sounds as if you've grown apart) or you don't think you could handle just being her friend (which, if you "love" her, I think there should be some appreciation of her with her pants on), then do just move past the whole situation. Of course, she may respond with love and devotion, but I'm not sure you should work from that assumption.

    Specularity on
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