The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Infamous Girlfriend Thread
Areehuhit
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey guys,
Off and on longtime reader here, just using a fade ID for personal reasons. I've seen all the e/n threads go through here and never thought I'd be one of them.
So here's my situation:
I've been with my girlfriend for a couple years now, we've been great in all aspects. We're both 20. I moved out recently (I was living at home) to be a bit closer to her, but we're not living together quite yet (she has a lease and won't be moving in for awhile.)
I basically have lived at home with the support and safety of my parents my entire life, and have quite an overbearing mother, so a lot of the aspects of living are rather new to me. I'm no longer within immediate reach of my parents so there really is nowhere to go for support except toward my girlfriend.
I didn't really think this would be a huge problem. I even discussed it with her thoroughly prior to moving. Basically that I'd need her to help out a lot and might stress out about a lot of things, and seek her attention to help through some of the process...
Well here I am, stressing out about things as I anticipated, and when I attempt to discuss it with her, she gets hostile, aggressive, basically mean--yet she claims she's just not sugarcoating it. She says to me that I'm too dependent on her and that I need to rely on her less...
Yet... I feel like I placed myself in a vulnerable position, nothing to go by except for myself and her. Even after having a deep discussion that this kind of stuff was going to come up, her response is to tell me that I need to handle it better on my own and not need her.
Honestly it's really stressful. I can find random people on the internet and get more compassion and sympathy and support toward my situation than from my own girlfriend. That's all I'm really seeking. Positive boosts toward my emotional state to keep me focused and on target.
Is it wrong for me to expect my girlfriend to take sympathy here and just be friendly and loving when I'm in a tight spot like this? Is that considered too dependent?
If she was in a tough situation and just wanted to cry on my shoulder I would allow that and not criticize her for it... I mean, I'd give advice and such as well...but only in time..when she asked for it.. If all she asked for was just to be comforted..then I wouldn't have a problem with that.
It seems like to me like she thinks that just taking the time out to comfort me will prevent me from learning anything, but all I am looking for are slight morale boosts here and there as I straighten out my finances and actually start to establish myself somewhere that I have no security.
Is this too much? Is that being too dependent?
tl;dr: I moved out so my girlfriend and I can start our lives together. Now I'm in a tight financial bind and am not the most emotionally stable person and seek her attention. She thinks I'm being too dependent on her, but I have no one else to get support from. What do I do?
Off and on longtime reader here, just using a fade ID for personal reasons. I've seen all the e/n threads go through here and never thought I'd be one of them.
So here's my situation:
I've been with my girlfriend for a couple years now, we've been great in all aspects. We're both 20. I moved out recently (I was living at home) to be a bit closer to her, but we're not living together quite yet (she has a lease and won't be moving in for awhile.)
I basically have lived at home with the support and safety of my parents my entire life, and have quite an overbearing mother, so a lot of the aspects of living are rather new to me. I'm no longer within immediate reach of my parents so there really is nowhere to go for support except toward my girlfriend.
I didn't really think this would be a huge problem. I even discussed it with her thoroughly prior to moving. Basically that I'd need her to help out a lot and might stress out about a lot of things, and seek her attention to help through some of the process...
Well here I am, stressing out about things as I anticipated, and when I attempt to discuss it with her, she gets hostile, aggressive, basically mean--yet she claims she's just not sugarcoating it. She says to me that I'm too dependent on her and that I need to rely on her less...
Yet... I feel like I placed myself in a vulnerable position, nothing to go by except for myself and her. Even after having a deep discussion that this kind of stuff was going to come up, her response is to tell me that I need to handle it better on my own and not need her.
Honestly it's really stressful. I can find random people on the internet and get more compassion and sympathy and support toward my situation than from my own girlfriend. That's all I'm really seeking. Positive boosts toward my emotional state to keep me focused and on target.
Is it wrong for me to expect my girlfriend to take sympathy here and just be friendly and loving when I'm in a tight spot like this? Is that considered too dependent?
If she was in a tough situation and just wanted to cry on my shoulder I would allow that and not criticize her for it... I mean, I'd give advice and such as well...but only in time..when she asked for it.. If all she asked for was just to be comforted..then I wouldn't have a problem with that.
It seems like to me like she thinks that just taking the time out to comfort me will prevent me from learning anything, but all I am looking for are slight morale boosts here and there as I straighten out my finances and actually start to establish myself somewhere that I have no security.
Is this too much? Is that being too dependent?
tl;dr: I moved out so my girlfriend and I can start our lives together. Now I'm in a tight financial bind and am not the most emotionally stable person and seek her attention. She thinks I'm being too dependent on her, but I have no one else to get support from. What do I do?
Areehuhit on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
So I think the solution will have to lie elsewhere: find others or occupy yourself somehow that doesn't involve her.
Sorry, I know that's blunt but pressing her for support almost always has the opposite effect than you want. I know people vary, but as she's already said "you're being too dependent" that sends up a big red flag. You're not going to convince her to let you be more dependent.
The problem I have with this, though, is that before I moved, she told me straight up that if it came to this, she would completely back me and help me out and basically said she can handle the fact that I might be stressed and emotional and need a lot of her attention...
Now it comes time that I need it and she's telling me the complete opposite. That's what I have trouble with.
I also contemplate anything other than what you have just said simply because I don't necessarily agree that the amount I have requested of her is nearly as bad as she makes it out to be.
Perhaps she feels that way and as you say, it's the bottom line. But is it not possible to consider the fact that her idea of support is skewed in some way? I just don't see how automatically just submitting to what she is saying is the right response here.
Not compromising and just finding an alternate solution seems really unhealthy, especially if it's an issue that will continually come up any time I need to go to her for support.
If that's not the kind of thing you should expect from a relationship, then I don't really get the point. I'd help her out in a heartbeat in the same situation.
If you're looking for emotional support, that's one thing, however, I do believe that your girlfriend has a right to impose a certain limit on how much support she would be expected to give. Does she live on her own too? What's her current situation?
If you're looking for financial support, different story. Now I don't know exactly how much you've discussed, but if you're going to her for "loans" or other sundries, you need to consider how fair you're being in requesting those and whether or not you're actually ready to be out on your own. Living on your own for the first time is a huge responsibility, and there's no shame in admitting when you're not ready for it.
Let me just lay it on the line: I've burned relationships like this. I want a certainly level of support and it's not forthcoming. Sometimes it never will be, so you either have to adapt to it or end the relationship. You really cannot control both halves of a relationship and the brutal truth is that what once was may not be now. People change and relationships change. I'm not saying this is the end of your relationship or ANY such thing but the closer you get to someone the more you start to learn about them and she may be worried about any number of things, positive or negative.
So I don't really have good advice for you because I can't even practice what I preach. I sense a "need to understand" here and I comprehend that need very well. You can let it consume you with worry and wonder, you can torch your relationship by pestering her with relentless prodding and poking as to why she is acting this way, or you can just adapt to it, be patient, and remember that she likes/loves/sexes you or whatever she does. Because that DOES count for something. She may not give you the exact level attention you want, but it's not like she's shut the door on you, right?
I mean I gather from your OP that you tried the direct approach and confronted her about it, which elicited the "you're too dependent on me" response. If you haven't, I'd say there isn't anything wrong with asking her directly why she is pulling away, but you really have to feel it out here because it can backfire in the same way prodding and poking for the truth can.
Then we broke up for about 16 hours, and then she called me back and apologized. Ever since (a year+ now) she's been a much better person. I know that Drez said you could give her an ultimatum, and that's hard to do... But it worked for me, so I'm sure it could quite possibly work for you.
If not, you deserve better than that anyway, sir. Hopefully everything works out for you.
Im afraid its all just part of being an adult.
As for support, have you tried talking to your friends?
I think you are assuming too much...people have different levels of emotional need and it's not really childish to want your girlfriend to be there for you the way that you want her to.
All in all, I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting some level of emotional support from a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. My point is that expecting and demanding are two different things. What we want and what we can have are two different things. I don't think it's necessarily more adult to not want emotional support from one's significant other, but dealing with the situation properly is key, that's all.
It sucks to say, but limed for truth. Emotional support is nice, and great, but it sounds like she doesn't quite want to give it to you. Perhaps she would be more willing to do so if you proved yourself to be more independent first? She may just be 'throwing you to the sharks' to teach you how to swim, or some such thing, but even so, it's very important that you learn to get along on your own, even if you DO have someone to help you out whenever you need them.
Sometimes people are not there, they're away for some reason, or out of reach somehow, and it's those situations where its critical for you to be able to carry on without them.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is it sounds like your GF isn't giving you the emotional support you need, but this is a completely different issue from you being independent. Assuming you're ready for the move out, that should go by regardless of her. I think the best way to approach the situation is to keep talking to her about it with the rest of the world still moving, you know? Maybe once she sees that your world doesn't stop turning maybe she'll sing a different tune.
Moving away from home is one of the best things you can do, in my opinion. Find your own strength - sometimes you just have to go it alone. That isn't to say to break up with her, but be more independent. After spending so long living with an overbearing mother, you should try the other end of the spectrum and not rely on anyone for a while.
This is the time when you really discover yourself. It's important to make full use of it - it's easier to move in with a girlfriend/wife/whatever after spending some time living on your own.
No one can really comment on 'my gf don't support me' because we have no idea what that actually means.
Although the fact that you compare her role in your life to that of your mum would freak any SO i've ever known the hell out.
https://medium.com/@alascii
It's taken me a long time to learn this lesson, but you cannot truly, unequivocably count on anyone but yourself to solve your own problems.
Sure, your friends, family, and significant other are there to help, but they can't always be there for you. The only person who can help you out in every single situation is yourself. Don't count on your girlfriend to bail you out. Sure, it helps if she's there to listen, but she's not always going to have sympathy for you or want to listen to you. That's how it is.
You're just at that point in your life where you're going out on your own and discovering what that means. This is literally the point in your life where you become an adult. You take on your responsibilities on your own, and you don't have mom, dad, etc to bail you out. It's hard, but it's worth it. Once you discover you can do it on your own, you won't look to other people to solve your problems.
The best thing to do is try to become independent completely. Find something or someone other than her in which to invest yourself, and try to make progress there instead. It's hard as hell, but it'll be easier on both of you that way, in the long run.
And whatever you do, do not bring up "what she promised". That never, ever turns out well.
My wife came from a more financially stable background than I did, and she moved out of her parents house at a later age. When we combined our finances she would often (from my perspective) act like we were about to be evicted and standing in a bread line because our account balance fell below $1000 (and this was 12 years or so ago, our rent was like $400). Since I'd been in much more dire financial straits before (and lived!) it was hard for me to sympathize. Now, if I felt that we had actually been close to financial collapse I would have been super supportive, but the issue didn't seem real to me. It just sounded like whining. As time as gone on she has become more confident and I've become more supportive.
I can't think of a way to express this next part without fake dialogue, so forgive me. If you keep going "Look at this horrible (whatver)! It's fucking awful, I don't know if I can make it!" And she looks at the thing and says "It's alright, this is gonna work out." And you say "But it's horrible! Life is a pit of despair!" after awhile she's going to quit offering support. And if you still keep it up she's going to eventually tell you to shut the fuck up.
My apologies if your problems are of a more dire nature.
Sometimes the line between hauling and teaming gets a little gray. But I would suggest that to the girlfriend, that line is becoming more clear as the OP struggles to find his own independance. The more he relies on the girl for help, the less he contributes to the overall picture, making the relationship as a whole less viable, and thus less desirable as an option. It seems to be, that the girlfriend is up for supporting the OP through difficult times, but does not want to become a crutch, wishing the OP to eventually learn how to stand and maintain their own life independantly - which may not occur if too much help is given.
The heart of independance is self-reliance, and in the end that reliance is built only through actual experience and practice in the real world. One can make the transition for another easier, but sooner or later that person has to learn how to do it on their own. Sometimes that means pulling away from someone you care about in order to let them truly deal with the situation by themselves.
It has always gone straight to aggression and hostility. That's the only thing I've sought out of all of this.
Anyway, thanks everyone for your comments.
Maybe it's just my perspective, but I've never really pushed it very hard. I've always made a huge effort to give her space. I'm hardly ever the person to initiate contact, whether it's on the phone or online, etc... I'm not nearly as attached as she always tries to tell me I am, and it's incredibly frustrating.
I've decided that there's no point for me to continue to spend my time hoping the person who claims to love me actually shows it. There's no point for me to continue to try to argue with her that I am less reliant on her than she continually claims. I'm going to throw in the towel.
I've known her forever and we've been together through a lot, and when her life has been down I've taken care of her endless nights...I really love her, she's a great friend of mine... I ask very little of her but I've never really felt like she understands the concept of compassion.
We've argued over it many times, and I don't think I can handle doing that anymore.
If anything shows my independence from her, it's separating from her. (I'm just saying this to point it out--it's not my intention. There is no ulterior motive here to get her attention by pretending to break it off with her or anything. I'm just done.)
I plan on talking to her about all this before actually just saying "it's over," but I don't expect anything to come from it. I've tried many times.
The bummer about this is I just moved and committed to a lease and all that for this relationship. Starting over with everything is really hard, especially without having someone close to be there...
Thankfully though I feel pretty decent about this decision...No waterworks or anything...Maybe it will kick in soon, but being treated with such hostility for something that should a completely natural part of a relationship kind of makes you want to get out.
I know it seems weird, because (at least up to a certain extent), we like girls to need us. Makes us feel all protective and manly. It's just one of those pesky differences between the genders that you have to get used to.
I'm speaking both from personal experience and intellect knowledge, here--if you want to keep your girlfriend, stand on your own two feet.
Sorry if that's a tough pill to swallow.
I'm 22, 3000 miles away from home and living on my own for the first time in my life. I make under 30k a year but I've always been independent and this whole rootlessness isn't as big a deal for me as it is for others. But, I'm going to pose a hunch: you live your life and show her that you're capable of supporting yourself and, possibly, her, and I'd imagine her tone would change.
You're putting her in a position I bet she's not ever been in before. So, given that she told you whatever it was that she did beforehand, you have to understand that she didn't have the knowledge of the true situation until it actually played out; so cut her some slack.
More information please, if you'd like more advice.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
Better to be wanted than needed. If you're needed you're just a device performing a function, fulfilling a requirement. If you're wanted you're a prize. Being needed only feels better than being wanted when there's something you need to compensate for.
If you view my second post you can see that I'm going to sit down and speak with her about a lot of the problems we've been having. And unless I hear some really good things, I'm going to let her go.
The thing is, many people are making this out to be a transition where I want her to replace my mother, or that now I suddenly need a heavy amount of emotional attention--this is not the case.
I hated how my mother was, which was one of the reasons I wanted to get out for. In addition to that, my girlfriend has lacked any form of compassion as far back as I can remember. The point here is, I now feel like I actually could use some compassion, but it's nowhere to be found.
Last night she called me crying because she has so much going on right now and she needs me so much and yada yada, so basically I talked her down from it and got her to relax and eventually to sleep.... But I just know if I had been the one calling her, she would have just gotten mad at me. This doesn't feel right. I shouldn't have to worry about those things.
It's far too complex to give "specifics," writing it out like this has allowed me to gather perspective and realize what is going on is not something I should have to continually endure.
I don't see how coming to a resolution as I have suggests anything short of being a "grown-up" as you have phrased it. This has been quite a heavy decision yet I feel very confident in it.
But thanks, you're quite helpful. Perhaps you could do well in starting your own H/A thread about that passive-aggression problem you seem to have.