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There's this girl....this is sort of urgent.
linksword
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
The situation is basically that, I moved into a neighborhood before high school started, and this girl lived down the street. We started hanging out, a lot, but she had a boyfriend. They broke up, and I was too scared to ask her for a year basically. We kept hanging out though, but a mutual friend started tagging a long. Girl and mutual friend began dating, I was devastated. It was my own fault though, and basically we didn't talk for a couple years between.
I moved away and didn't think about her all that much for a year, though it's not like I totally forgot about her.
For my senior year of high school though, I returned to finish out where I started. Over the summer before school started, she was dating someone else, but they broke up the first day of school. We hung out a few times during this period, though at times she seemed like she wanted nothing to do at all with me.
One notable time when we did hang out though, was when a friend and I were going to drive up to Columbia to see a concert, and she asked if she could go. It was awesome, and I sort of positioned myself so that my seat was between the two at the show. She said she was tired though on the way back, and he gave her his jacket to lay on, before I could do anything. Said friend is a hockey player, and soon after this she and him were assigned to the same group to do a project, and she began going to the hockey games more often.
I could tell that she was crushing on some people, and I started to feel a little bit jealous. I honestly did not think I wanted anything to do with her, but that changed. She assured me though that she was too scarred by her last relationship and did not desire one until college.
Then, over break, while I was away, I posted my facebook status declaring that I was considering staying there. She left me a comment and eventually convinced me to return. Soon after, we started hanging out. A mutual friend of ours was spending more and more time with her, and I couldn't stand to see that happen. I asked her if she wanted to hang out, and we did. She texted me the next day and we made plans. It was her and I and another (female) friend this time. She basically was all over me that night, and flirted like crazy. And we began texting almost 24 hours a day. She posted many of the pictures of us on her facebook and myspace, and put us as the background of her phone. The next weekend, we ended up hanging out with the guy who started this thing, although by this point it was pretty clear that he liked someone else. (He already told this girl how he felt, and she said no). Although, the two of them did seem a bit flirty, although I guess it was more friendly than not. She did change her facebook picture to one of the two of them, but left the myspace and phone ones.
The next weekend, it was the girl who hung out with us the first night's birthday. She was having a scavenger hunt at the mall, and the entire day before I showed up she texted me, saying that she had reserved me for her partner, etc... The party was fun, we hung out alone for a couple hours, and then when we returned to the house, we sort of flirted a bit more. She would like call on me to playfully fight for her and such. We hung out with the same friends as last time, and, although I regret this a lot now, I had to leave early. I had invited a couple of other friends to stay the night since my uncle was going out of town, and my family didn't really want me to be alone. After I left, they went to get ice cream, and then went home.
Over the next week, I would walk to class with her, see her more often, etc. After our last period AP Calculus class, I offered to bring her books up to her locker for her so she wouldn't miss the bus. She gladly accepted and thanked me, and this continued for a few days, until I unfortunately had to drop the class because I couldn't handle the workload. She seemed sort of mad at me that I didn't stay in it with her, but seriously, dropping the class was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. Anyway, around the beginning of the semester, we got new seating arrangements in AP English, and she got moved right in front of me. The timing was perfect. I now had an excuse to talk to her in class a lot more, and we are now in the same group for a project we are working on.
During this time she also began working in the library during the lunch period, and since I am in a strange schedule predicament, where I have to take 3 CP classes (out of 4 class periods) this semester instead of honors, I got stuck in the hall with pretty much no one I know. As a result, I began visiting her during my lunch period, and she seemed really excited to see me the first few times, hugging me, and exclaiming "You Came!" This faded, and we began to just hang out, though it does take me about half my lunch to get there after heading downstairs and eating, so that leaves me with 15 minutes to talk to her, if the library isn't busy. A couple of days stand out though, such as one where she had to take my lunch for some reason and she seeked me out and we hung out together, the two of us, and another where she had a few minutes and decided to walk me downstairs.
This past week, we had been planning on hanging out on wednesday after school, because it was an early out day, although plans fell through. Her and I walked to burger king anyway and hung out by ourselves, though she seemed a bit annoyed that I couldn't plan anything. Then on friday, after quest (academic team) practice, her and I decided to leave early and walk to subway. We hung out there for about an hour, though I didn't have any money on me like I thought I did, so it was only her that ate something, and this seemed sort of wrong to me. We basically talked about past relationships, and our luck with them, and told each other about crushes we've had this year. She basically is tied up on one of her past boyfriends (the first one I mentioned), and the way he was such an ass to her. Basically, he left her because he didn't want to be stuck with the same girl for the rest of his life. He broke her heart 3 times basically. She admitted the next boyfriend was basically a childish way of getting back at him. I told her that I knew about the crush on the hockey player, and she told me about another one as well, and later she asked me how I knew.
During this time I also began to drop hints that I was interested. I asked her stuff like "If someone liked you, how would you prefer they told you?" and, though this stuff might have been my mistake, I asked her questions like "What can I do to improve myself, there's this girl I'm trying to impress?" when obviously the girl was her...We began talking more and more like this, and I confronted her about our friendship, and whether or not "this guy" (me), should risk making the friendship awkward. She told me to consider the other person's feelings, and to decide which was more important to me, friendship or relationship. I said some things are better left unsaid I guess, and she said that maybe that was for the best.
Today though, she had said that she was going to a party this weekend with a friend from her church. I, being my naive self, went to another unrelated friends house, one who I haven't seen in forever. While I was there though, she texted me and asked if I was going to hang out with the normal group of people, I said no, and she said that she was going to go to the party then. I said okay and continued to text her, though she tried to keep up that she was at the party, and that she was drunk, though the other two people told me she was there, with them, and she conceded. She said she was kidding about the party. For some reason, the hockey player friend was there, and I got jealous. I made the mistake of calling her/texting her telling her I was jealous, though I had no right to be. She conceded but said she understood why I would feel that way, and assured me I had nothing to be jealous about. We texted a bit more through the night, and she told me to quit referring to the situation in third person, since we both knew who it was we were talking about. One of the friends there texted me a bit after I got home and said that the hockey friend seemed to like her. The weird thing is that he's been talking more and more to me the past couple of days, and on a blog I posted on myspace describing the situation he commented "okay fine, I will go out with you" jokingly. I share a locker with this kid as well, and the other day I had offered to put the girl's literature book in my locker since she was heading the other direction, and he questioned why there were three. He asked me when we were going to start going out and I kinda shook the question off. The other day at subway though, when this was mentioned, she said that he asked her the same thing.
Basically, I feel like an idiot right now, and like I have missed my chance. I like this girl, and she knows it, and she has said that she does not have a crush back on me, but her actions contradict this. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow, but I am not sure that it is going to happen, as neither of us can drive. I like this girl more than I could ever imagine, and am even willing to do things for her that I wouldn't do for anyone else. She has mentioned that she likes my hair short, and it is shoulder length right now, so I was thinking about cutting it. I just haven't had the resources to get out and actually do it, seeing as I can't drive myself anywhere yet.
I am considering, sending her an email, asking her on a date. She has said that she does not desire a relationship and does not feel that way about me, though her actions strongly deny it. Basically, I was planning on sending something along the lines of, it would be an honor for you to let me take you out one night, and show you how good of a boyfriend I can be. For some reason, girls always think of me as more of friend materal than boyfriend material. '
TL;DR - I started hanging out with a girl that I hadn't in a few years. She seemed to be interested in being more than friends, and I am as well. It seems like she is interested in other guys as well though, and I am trying to figure out the best way to approach this. I really value our frienship, and would really like to avoid ruining it like I did once before. What do I do from here?
Sorry for the bad grammar/organization. I couldn't sleep, I had to get this off my mind.
I moved away and didn't think about her all that much for a year, though it's not like I totally forgot about her.
For my senior year of high school though, I returned to finish out where I started. Over the summer before school started, she was dating someone else, but they broke up the first day of school. We hung out a few times during this period, though at times she seemed like she wanted nothing to do at all with me.
One notable time when we did hang out though, was when a friend and I were going to drive up to Columbia to see a concert, and she asked if she could go. It was awesome, and I sort of positioned myself so that my seat was between the two at the show. She said she was tired though on the way back, and he gave her his jacket to lay on, before I could do anything. Said friend is a hockey player, and soon after this she and him were assigned to the same group to do a project, and she began going to the hockey games more often.
I could tell that she was crushing on some people, and I started to feel a little bit jealous. I honestly did not think I wanted anything to do with her, but that changed. She assured me though that she was too scarred by her last relationship and did not desire one until college.
Then, over break, while I was away, I posted my facebook status declaring that I was considering staying there. She left me a comment and eventually convinced me to return. Soon after, we started hanging out. A mutual friend of ours was spending more and more time with her, and I couldn't stand to see that happen. I asked her if she wanted to hang out, and we did. She texted me the next day and we made plans. It was her and I and another (female) friend this time. She basically was all over me that night, and flirted like crazy. And we began texting almost 24 hours a day. She posted many of the pictures of us on her facebook and myspace, and put us as the background of her phone. The next weekend, we ended up hanging out with the guy who started this thing, although by this point it was pretty clear that he liked someone else. (He already told this girl how he felt, and she said no). Although, the two of them did seem a bit flirty, although I guess it was more friendly than not. She did change her facebook picture to one of the two of them, but left the myspace and phone ones.
The next weekend, it was the girl who hung out with us the first night's birthday. She was having a scavenger hunt at the mall, and the entire day before I showed up she texted me, saying that she had reserved me for her partner, etc... The party was fun, we hung out alone for a couple hours, and then when we returned to the house, we sort of flirted a bit more. She would like call on me to playfully fight for her and such. We hung out with the same friends as last time, and, although I regret this a lot now, I had to leave early. I had invited a couple of other friends to stay the night since my uncle was going out of town, and my family didn't really want me to be alone. After I left, they went to get ice cream, and then went home.
Over the next week, I would walk to class with her, see her more often, etc. After our last period AP Calculus class, I offered to bring her books up to her locker for her so she wouldn't miss the bus. She gladly accepted and thanked me, and this continued for a few days, until I unfortunately had to drop the class because I couldn't handle the workload. She seemed sort of mad at me that I didn't stay in it with her, but seriously, dropping the class was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. Anyway, around the beginning of the semester, we got new seating arrangements in AP English, and she got moved right in front of me. The timing was perfect. I now had an excuse to talk to her in class a lot more, and we are now in the same group for a project we are working on.
During this time she also began working in the library during the lunch period, and since I am in a strange schedule predicament, where I have to take 3 CP classes (out of 4 class periods) this semester instead of honors, I got stuck in the hall with pretty much no one I know. As a result, I began visiting her during my lunch period, and she seemed really excited to see me the first few times, hugging me, and exclaiming "You Came!" This faded, and we began to just hang out, though it does take me about half my lunch to get there after heading downstairs and eating, so that leaves me with 15 minutes to talk to her, if the library isn't busy. A couple of days stand out though, such as one where she had to take my lunch for some reason and she seeked me out and we hung out together, the two of us, and another where she had a few minutes and decided to walk me downstairs.
This past week, we had been planning on hanging out on wednesday after school, because it was an early out day, although plans fell through. Her and I walked to burger king anyway and hung out by ourselves, though she seemed a bit annoyed that I couldn't plan anything. Then on friday, after quest (academic team) practice, her and I decided to leave early and walk to subway. We hung out there for about an hour, though I didn't have any money on me like I thought I did, so it was only her that ate something, and this seemed sort of wrong to me. We basically talked about past relationships, and our luck with them, and told each other about crushes we've had this year. She basically is tied up on one of her past boyfriends (the first one I mentioned), and the way he was such an ass to her. Basically, he left her because he didn't want to be stuck with the same girl for the rest of his life. He broke her heart 3 times basically. She admitted the next boyfriend was basically a childish way of getting back at him. I told her that I knew about the crush on the hockey player, and she told me about another one as well, and later she asked me how I knew.
During this time I also began to drop hints that I was interested. I asked her stuff like "If someone liked you, how would you prefer they told you?" and, though this stuff might have been my mistake, I asked her questions like "What can I do to improve myself, there's this girl I'm trying to impress?" when obviously the girl was her...We began talking more and more like this, and I confronted her about our friendship, and whether or not "this guy" (me), should risk making the friendship awkward. She told me to consider the other person's feelings, and to decide which was more important to me, friendship or relationship. I said some things are better left unsaid I guess, and she said that maybe that was for the best.
Today though, she had said that she was going to a party this weekend with a friend from her church. I, being my naive self, went to another unrelated friends house, one who I haven't seen in forever. While I was there though, she texted me and asked if I was going to hang out with the normal group of people, I said no, and she said that she was going to go to the party then. I said okay and continued to text her, though she tried to keep up that she was at the party, and that she was drunk, though the other two people told me she was there, with them, and she conceded. She said she was kidding about the party. For some reason, the hockey player friend was there, and I got jealous. I made the mistake of calling her/texting her telling her I was jealous, though I had no right to be. She conceded but said she understood why I would feel that way, and assured me I had nothing to be jealous about. We texted a bit more through the night, and she told me to quit referring to the situation in third person, since we both knew who it was we were talking about. One of the friends there texted me a bit after I got home and said that the hockey friend seemed to like her. The weird thing is that he's been talking more and more to me the past couple of days, and on a blog I posted on myspace describing the situation he commented "okay fine, I will go out with you" jokingly. I share a locker with this kid as well, and the other day I had offered to put the girl's literature book in my locker since she was heading the other direction, and he questioned why there were three. He asked me when we were going to start going out and I kinda shook the question off. The other day at subway though, when this was mentioned, she said that he asked her the same thing.
Basically, I feel like an idiot right now, and like I have missed my chance. I like this girl, and she knows it, and she has said that she does not have a crush back on me, but her actions contradict this. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow, but I am not sure that it is going to happen, as neither of us can drive. I like this girl more than I could ever imagine, and am even willing to do things for her that I wouldn't do for anyone else. She has mentioned that she likes my hair short, and it is shoulder length right now, so I was thinking about cutting it. I just haven't had the resources to get out and actually do it, seeing as I can't drive myself anywhere yet.
I am considering, sending her an email, asking her on a date. She has said that she does not desire a relationship and does not feel that way about me, though her actions strongly deny it. Basically, I was planning on sending something along the lines of, it would be an honor for you to let me take you out one night, and show you how good of a boyfriend I can be. For some reason, girls always think of me as more of friend materal than boyfriend material. '
TL;DR - I started hanging out with a girl that I hadn't in a few years. She seemed to be interested in being more than friends, and I am as well. It seems like she is interested in other guys as well though, and I am trying to figure out the best way to approach this. I really value our frienship, and would really like to avoid ruining it like I did once before. What do I do from here?
Sorry for the bad grammar/organization. I couldn't sleep, I had to get this off my mind.
linksword on
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But don't get your hopes up since she's already basically said she doesn't have feelings for you.
If she says no, she doesn't want to date you, then don't try to "improve" yourself or change yourself to fit what you think you want . . . don't delude yourself into thinking she really DOES want to date you, even though she said she doesn't . . . Just date other people and move on.
This, ask her out, if she says no don't go on the whole martyrdom suffering for her love spree that so many people *cough* including myself *cough* have done, it ends badly and DOESN'T WORK.
The thing is, I had decided to do it the other day, but our conversation kind of ruined that. We basically talked about relationships in general, and how she does not desire one and I do. Etc.
People already think we're going out, and at times it seems like we are, but at others it doesn't. I'm afraid that if I do ask, it will strain our friendship, which is quite good at the moment, though it did suffer for that year and a half. I was closer to her than I have been with any other friend really before she started dating the first guy I mentioned, and I already lost the friendship once, and I would seriously hate to lose it again, but one cannot help these feelings can they?
While we were talking the other night on AIM about relationships in general, it was really weird. A friend of ours who is in college right now wrote an essay and posted it online a few minutes after I had signed off. Basically, he had an "epiphany" and described relationships the same way I was trying to. Basically the point was dating should be used to get to know the person, and that you should let people know of your true feelings upfront, to avoid any dissapointment/heartbreak later if they do not return them. I wish I had had this advice earlier, though we were already friends before hand...
And Screaming Raven, you're right. I was scared that was going to happen. It's probably the reason I decided to try and distance myself from this girl for the first half of the year. I didn't really conciously decide to mind you, but it did happen. During my year away, I certainly entertained the idea of dating someone, but I never really felt compelled to go for it. And since I've been back, I have had crushes, but none of those worked out too well. Honestly, I don't know how to keep myself from feeling this way about her.
Sorry for adding more information, this is the most complicated thing I've ever had to sort out.
I guess I might as well go for it though.
My own story involved an older woman whom I was friends with for just over a year, I tried to keep so feelings held back because I was afraid of
1. Rejection
2. How she'd react
3. Friendship dieing
In the end I decided to tell her, being the 17 year old that I once was I held on, I was never truly rejected per say more, I have similar feelings but ect. ect.
I remained friends with her and the pain caused by my feelings for her out weighed the happiness our friendship gave us, it took A LONG LONG LOOONG time for me to end all contact with her, but in the end I ended up a better person, a severely less depressed person and allot wiser.
If she does end up saying yes then your golden, but if she says no, reevaluate the situation and make sure you keep your best interests at heart, there's always another one might be impossible to see but there's always another one.
My opinion is that you shouldn't send the e-mail because if this is what you really want, you need to do it in person. You are no longer the man behind the curtain.
Also, your grammar is quite good for being in high school. My girlfriend is a high school history teacher, and none of her student can write this well, let alone spell "grammar."
My girlfriend was reading this with me and here is what she has to say: "Don't send the e-mail. When a guy likes a girl and she knows it, even if she doesn't feel the same way, she wants him to continue pining for her because it makes her feel better about herself because it's an ego boost to have a guy like you. That said, she'll probably keep leading you on and end up with the hockey guy because he's played harder to get."
My opinion is that you shouldn't send the e-mail because if this is what you really want, you need to do it in person. You are no longer the man behind the curtain.
Also, your grammar is quite good for being in high school. My girlfriend is a high school history teacher, and none of her student can write this well, let alone spell "grammar."
It seems like most of the people posting these threads act as if a date is some sacred ritual in which you will be bound to this person for all eternity. Dates are just a way to get to know the other person and hopefully have a good time. The more you go on, the less "scary" they will be.
Now who's quoting who?
Agreed.
I know you like this girl and everything, but you've gotta ask yourself if its worth it. I mean she's an emotional time bomb from what I've gathered. Is this a bad thing? Potentially, sure. You could be very well be the guy to defuse the bomb. She said something you should really consider, though, about what matters more to you; the friendship or the relationship.
In the end its something you've just got to let your heart lead you to, and I wish you the best in that endeavor. Its scary as hell, but you'll get where you need to be eventually.
What, you don't sacrifice a goat before asking someone to the dance?
Anyways... You're right. The thing a lot of guys don't realize, nerds especially(face it, we tend to think of ourselves as smarter than others), is that girls aren't dumb. Most of them take our hints, and realize our intentions. Not making a move tells them you're too scared, or whatever, to ask them out. They might throw a couple hints your way at first, to try to get you to do it, but if you don't? Well, it reflects badly.
And in writing this, I realize how many mistakes I've made in the past.
3ds friend code: 2981-6032-4118
The problem with the situation this guy has put himself in is that he already knows her quite well. He has to lay it out there, nonetheless.
Here's the key OP: Ask yourself "do I really want to put myself through pining around this girl for possibly years? Or do I want to to make my move?"
Even if you ASSUME rejection you have to decide if you're the kind of guy that rips a bandaid off or fucks with it for ten minutes.
I host a podcast about movies.
Take this with a grain of salt, because it may be impossible to do (Like I said, I know what it's like): You need to get what you want with her (a relationship, it seems) or just sever all ties with her. The longer you're in this with her, the worse - dare I say traumatic - the getting over her will be.
Selfish people are not good people to be in relationships with.
Dude, unless you're actually asking her to a spring formal or standing outside her apartment holding a boombox over your head, please don't say something this needy to a college age girl.
I host a podcast about movies.
Well that reminds me, the first night we hung out, she did ask me to go to the prom with her (haha this sounds so cliche). But recently, I dunno if she still wants me to. She said yes, and that she wants me to attend her beauty pageant thing next week still, but she seems to be way less friendly. I think she just doesn't want to lead me on?
Your assumption that her actions contradict this probably isn't true then. Some people are just very friendly, period. What one person might see as flirting another will see as normal everyday interaction. This is probably the case with your friend.
It makes someone selfish to not want a relationship? It's more selfish to try to change someones feelings because you are smitten. Your post reeks of entitlement.
OP you know what has never worked for getting a girl ever? Posting huge dissertations on the internet. Man up and say how you feel directly and then deal with the results, one way or another.
Ya, but persistence sometimes pays off. First real girlfriend would rarely answer my phone calls for four months. It hurt me so much, but I kept pushing. She eventually gave me a chance and we hit it off well and went on for a year and half relationship.
I have been caught in this many times. I'm caught in one right now as a matter of fact but since I'm close to graduating and moving to Baltimore, and she's in ROTC and is aiming for Europe, I think it's going to work itself out so I'm just suppressing it. But this "fake" relationship thing has always been bad news for me. The last time it happened, we were up to 9 different times when people thought me and the girl were a couple. It ended horribly and we didn't start speaking as friends again for 5 months, and only then because I was undergoing a felony investigation for something I didn't do, and was a huge mess.
Ask her out. If it doesn't go well, stifle any interaction that resembles a relationship (hanging out every day, etc.) If you don't you will always resent the fact that you're not a "real" couple, and when she does start dating someone else you will hit a wall. HARD.
PSN: TheScrublet
1 - practice asking girls out, and going on dates. You need to challange this assumption that a date is in itself a commitment to something more. Its a chance to spend some time with someone. Thats it. Hopefully you have a decent time. If you're lucky there's some chemistry, and you follow-up with another date. Though if she doesn't put on on the second date, never call her again. (I KID!)
2 - Reframe how this girl views your value to her. It might seem like its manipulative, but really its just walking out from under the rock she's hidden your self-esteem under. It sounds like she's actually kind of taking advantage of you; using you as an emotional security blanket. She wants you around, but doesn't want you too close, and you're safe because you're devoted but not ballsy enough to expect anything in return (and no i'm not just talking about nookie). So let her see that she's been taking you for granted. Let her see that you have the power to look for a relationship elsewhere if she's not into you that way.
Depending on how she reacts, you might get a lot of new information on what you do or do not mean to her. The girl probably likes you, but to enter into any kind of meaningful relationship, you need to play a hand different from the unrequited love thing. Wait until you've got an over pair or an outside straight/flush draw...
Poker analogy was too much, huh? I thought so too.
Oh and call her when you do it. Not only does it come off better, but its easier to gauge her reactions.
I never said it was selfish to not want a relationship. I said being in a relationship with someone that is selfish, a la they only care about themselves, is bad to be in.
I think you understood my post as saying "If she doesn't take up the relationship offer, she's selfish." That's not what I meant. What I meant was that if she doesn't take up the relationship offer, sever your ties so you can move on. Otherwise, you will always be holding back, or be hoping in vain that the girl will fall for you.
Damn, that's a good line. That's probably one of the more useful things that's been said in one of these girl threads in a long time.
PSN: TheScrublet
Classic example of passive agressive behavior. You like her and you're passively making efforts to have her like you, but never really openly making real effort to make anything happen. Basically you're killing yourself slowly.
I had this situation happen twice to me in high school. The first time I basically let it eat away at me like you did and all it did was depress me while I continued to fuck everything up. The second time I was a bit wiser and a bit braver (although I still let it drag on too long) and I cowboy'd up and let the girl know I liked her. I was shot down because she said I was her friend and she didn't like me that way. It hurt a lot and things were tough between us for a little while, but luckily both of us didn't want to end our friendship. So we became even closer friends as time went on.
I'm still friends with that girl and as luck would have it I was not born to live alone for all eternity as I'm engaged to be married this year.
Moral of the story: Girls don't like passive aggressive boys. Suck it up and tear it off like a bandaid. Life will go on either way.