The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
depression, ennui etc.
ApathyKills
__BANNED USERS regular
__BANNED USERS regular
here's my situation:
I'm 20. I live in a shitsplat redneck town in Wyoming. all my friends have gone off to school and moved on. I'm still here living with my parents with the hope that some day I will save up enough money to move to a city. Seattle, hopefully. I got kicked out of school about two years ago just before I got my diploma because I refused to take a test for "ideological reasons" that I will not go into to detail about here as the situation has been resolved and there would be no point. I was arrested for not leaving the school at the demand of my principal. I spent some time on house arrest, but since me and my principal have made amends and he has offered to help me get my diploma. I have been putting it off for the past year. Can't say exactly why.
For the past two years I've been working shitty jobs for shitty pay. I've been fired from most of them. I can't manage to save up enough money because I spend what little I have on gas. I don't sleep. I can't. instead I drive around for hours each night. I drive and I chain smoke because for some reason that is how I've decided to cope. I think its because while I'm driving I can't be dissatisfied with where I'm at because I'm not anywhere. I'm in between places. And really I just don't have the attention span for anything else. I can't remember the last time it was that I was able to finish a book. it's been even longer since I've finished a piece of art. Art is all I've ever really cared about and now I'm struggling to find enough motivation to continue with it.
My issue as I see it is this. I cannot find any reason to convince me that life is worth living. It seems futile and impossible. It's not my life specifically that I can't come to terms with, but reality as a whole. I don't envy anyone because any life I can imagine seems ultimately unsatisfying. I honestly can't grasp where it is people find the motivation to persist. what it comes down to is that I'm bored. no experience no matter what it is seems rewarding. just a lot of dull monotony. sex, love, friendships. none of it seems worth the effort. when I was younger I was in constant awe of the beauty I saw in everything. I don't see it anymore. Just by the numbers predictability.
I've tried drugs( I was arrested for possession last year and am currently on unsupervised probation), drinking in excess, deviant sexual encounters, and hanging out with extremely shady people. I even tried veganism and living completely sober for about a year until I decided it wasn't for me. Now that I look back on it getting kicked out of school and arrested was really just another way to try and wake myself up from apathy. I thought all these things would offer the right amount of intensity to alter my outlook, but if anything they've solidified it. I've realized I'm someone who looks for strong sensation in everything, but nothing ever meets my expectations. I guess expectations is the wrong word since I no longer expect anything from life. requirements is more appropriate.
I started going to AA meetings for a while. I never considered myself an alcoholic, but I definitely have the personality for it. it does help a bit as I can relate to a lot of the feelings expressed in those meetings. however I've given up going since I'm not completely sober and have no desire to be. it didn't seem right to continue to lie to them.
What I'd like to do is go to school and eventually get the degree necessary to become an art teacher. it looks to be the most stable way to maintain an art related career and fulfills both my creative and social needs.But the money for school just isn't there and I really don't know if I can handle the workload. as I mentioned before I'm unmotivated and lazy.
I see a therapist(whom I respect immensely) and I'm medicated. it's just not enough.
I don't know what I'm expecting from this post. maybe to just get these things off my chest to a group of anonymous people who have no emotional investment in my life and who seem, for the most part, pretty intelligent and objective.
I'm 20. I live in a shitsplat redneck town in Wyoming. all my friends have gone off to school and moved on. I'm still here living with my parents with the hope that some day I will save up enough money to move to a city. Seattle, hopefully. I got kicked out of school about two years ago just before I got my diploma because I refused to take a test for "ideological reasons" that I will not go into to detail about here as the situation has been resolved and there would be no point. I was arrested for not leaving the school at the demand of my principal. I spent some time on house arrest, but since me and my principal have made amends and he has offered to help me get my diploma. I have been putting it off for the past year. Can't say exactly why.
For the past two years I've been working shitty jobs for shitty pay. I've been fired from most of them. I can't manage to save up enough money because I spend what little I have on gas. I don't sleep. I can't. instead I drive around for hours each night. I drive and I chain smoke because for some reason that is how I've decided to cope. I think its because while I'm driving I can't be dissatisfied with where I'm at because I'm not anywhere. I'm in between places. And really I just don't have the attention span for anything else. I can't remember the last time it was that I was able to finish a book. it's been even longer since I've finished a piece of art. Art is all I've ever really cared about and now I'm struggling to find enough motivation to continue with it.
My issue as I see it is this. I cannot find any reason to convince me that life is worth living. It seems futile and impossible. It's not my life specifically that I can't come to terms with, but reality as a whole. I don't envy anyone because any life I can imagine seems ultimately unsatisfying. I honestly can't grasp where it is people find the motivation to persist. what it comes down to is that I'm bored. no experience no matter what it is seems rewarding. just a lot of dull monotony. sex, love, friendships. none of it seems worth the effort. when I was younger I was in constant awe of the beauty I saw in everything. I don't see it anymore. Just by the numbers predictability.
I've tried drugs( I was arrested for possession last year and am currently on unsupervised probation), drinking in excess, deviant sexual encounters, and hanging out with extremely shady people. I even tried veganism and living completely sober for about a year until I decided it wasn't for me. Now that I look back on it getting kicked out of school and arrested was really just another way to try and wake myself up from apathy. I thought all these things would offer the right amount of intensity to alter my outlook, but if anything they've solidified it. I've realized I'm someone who looks for strong sensation in everything, but nothing ever meets my expectations. I guess expectations is the wrong word since I no longer expect anything from life. requirements is more appropriate.
I started going to AA meetings for a while. I never considered myself an alcoholic, but I definitely have the personality for it. it does help a bit as I can relate to a lot of the feelings expressed in those meetings. however I've given up going since I'm not completely sober and have no desire to be. it didn't seem right to continue to lie to them.
What I'd like to do is go to school and eventually get the degree necessary to become an art teacher. it looks to be the most stable way to maintain an art related career and fulfills both my creative and social needs.But the money for school just isn't there and I really don't know if I can handle the workload. as I mentioned before I'm unmotivated and lazy.
I see a therapist(whom I respect immensely) and I'm medicated. it's just not enough.
I don't know what I'm expecting from this post. maybe to just get these things off my chest to a group of anonymous people who have no emotional investment in my life and who seem, for the most part, pretty intelligent and objective.
deleted courtesy orikae
ApathyKills on
0
Posts
If you care about art so much, you will learn to handle the work load. Seriously. What else are you going to do? Wither away and die, doing nothing, or try and make something out of your life?
No one here can make you be passionate or motivated, but yourself.
In short, learn to appreciate what you have, and what you have the opportunity to get. Just focus on what you care about and become great at it. It's as simple as that.
You say life seems futile and impossible... both of which imply that there are set goals which you are striving to obtain... but immediately refute that by saying you feel like everything is pointless and there's no motivation to do anything. You, presumably, have not stopped breathing yet so I'll assume that there's at least something in your life keeping you going.
So we've already got a nice tangled mess of things. I guess I'll try to unpack some of it...
It doesn't sound like you have a problem with reality. You're coherent, you seem to believe that beings outside of yourself exist in some way meaningful to you. You accept that things are happening to you that are both within and outside of your control. This is good. It's hard to convince somebody that reality exists. It sounds like your problem is with society. Society expects you to live up to certain things. Society tells you certain things are beautiful and desirable. Society has laws, customs, habits that you may not agree with or care about. Perhaps because you don't care about the goals society sets for you, you see them as impossible to attain. Perhaps you feel that society moves the goal posts every time you take a shot... (justifiable given your experiences in school). A feeling that the goals aren't worth it can be obtained by virtue of having eyes and using them to look around. Shit sucks lately.I don't think I should write anymore until you have a chance to respond to this... at least regarding society.
Your preference for driving is interesting. There are many ways in which this could be significant... Why not walk? Bike? Hitchhike? Well, none of those allows you to have a familiar surrounding. Your car feels like home. Your car also happens to be a vessel that transports you across physical distances. This sounds like something out of Pico Iyre's writings on the "Global Soul"... I digress... Whenever you stop moving you have to deal with what's around you... an often hectic and uncontrollable environment. It sounds like you value peace and solitude. Order and independence. Maybe I'm off...
I guess I should offer a piece of advice. Regarding beauty. The fact that you admit you once saw beauty and now see only cold harsh predictable reality should lead you to one of two conclusions.
1) Beauty is objective and you've somehow lost the knack for seeing it.
2) Beauty is subjective and the you of today doesn't like the same things as the you of yesteryear.
If you like option 1, then you must realize that beauty is only one thought, idea, realization, epiphany, or whatever away. Have confidence that the world around you, even if sometimes predictable, can be beautiful in ways you cannot imagine and thus could never predict and, indeed, could scarcely perceive if not for your paying extra close attention...
If you like option 2, then you must realize that your notion of beauty comes from inside yourself and is imposed upon the world outside of you. If this is the case you've got some soul searching to do. Your tastes have changed and you don't know how or why. This isn't uncommon and it's certainly not bad. It also isn't easy to deal with. As I suggested earlier it seems like you might value peace, solitude, order, and independence. Maybe you should look to these things as sources of inspiration? ... now, I realize you live in Wyoming so maybe you've had enough of all that shit... but maybe it's ingrained in you deeper than you thought. /shrug