The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Rebellious Little Sister vs. My Family (updated 2/24, post #73)
jotate
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, this might be a long post. And this is only the first step in this story. I'm just assuming that I'm going to need some advice on how to handle all this because an inordinate amount responsibility is landing on my shoulders all at once. So, many updates will come with this story as it unfolds. Let me start by setting up the scene.
I'm 23, living in a suburb outside Columbus, Ohio in a house with two roommates. I grew up about 30-45 minutes to the east of here in a house where my mother, father, and, until recently, my younger sister still live. My sister (we'll call her N) turned 18 this past December and is still a senior in high school, graduating in June. She'd gotten pretty good test scores and got into Ohio University for this fall.
I was a pretty good kid growing up, did all the right stuff, stayed out of drugs/alcohol, went to college and got a job. N had been on the same path for a long time. Active in the drug free program, decent grades, part time job, field commander of the marching band, all that good wholesome stuff. She and our mother had always gotten into little arguments (sometimes bigger arguments) about normal teenage crap (staying out too late, being punished for breaking the rules, not doing chores, etc.). I never thought much of it. I figured that N would just play the game that I played growing up (and had instructed her to play): you deal with mom, tell her what she wants to hear, and then move hours away to college and have all the freedom you want. N, apparently, didn't heed my advice.
On Wednesday, I got a phone call from my father who was sobbing. He told me that my sister had ran away the night before, leaving her car, her cell phone, and just about everything else she owns. They didn't know where she was. I said the only thing I could say at that point, sitting at work with that information: "Okay. I'll let you know if I hear anything."
Shortly thereafter, I get a call from my mother with a little more detail. Something about how N came home late and they started fighting about something that was very big deal. She didn't give me any details at the time. But it ended with my mom telling N to leave her cell phone and her keys because she was grounded from both for some time. My mom went to bed that night with the phone and keys on the desk in her room. She woke up at 1AM to go to the bathroom and my sister was just gone. My mother freaked out, obviously. She called the police who told her basically that "she's 18, it happens, there's nothing she can do if she left the car which is in my dad's name at home." She called N's friends, none of which had any idea about what had happened, several of which ended up hysterically crying in the middle of the night. The phone call ended much the same way the previous had, though in a more concerned tone: "Okay. I'll let you know if I hear anything."
I took that opportunity to do what I felt was about the only and best thing I could do at that point: figure out where my sister was and make sure she's safe. So I messaged her on Facebook and MySpace. I explained that I didn't care what had happened or what was going on, but that she could come and stay as long as she wanted at my house. I said the one condition was that she continued to go to school.
She called me that afternoon. She'd gone to a friend's house. Someone she knew online who no one else knew. She said she was fine and said she'd like to take me up on my offer. I agreed and told her I'd call mom and let her know that N was going to come home to get some things and then come stay with me for a while. My mom, being relieved just to know that N was alright, agreed.
N stayed at a friend's house that night (Wednesday) as well as Thursday night, calling me and telling me that she'd be coming over on Friday. I, in no place to insist otherwise, said fine.
My parents have each called me three times each day asking what's going on, explaining every gambit of their emotions. Giving me huge lists of things to tell her, because she wasn't answering their calls. Telling her that my mother was sorry. Explaining that she needs boundaries. Explaining that she can't ruin her life because she's just mad. Seriously, multiple emails that each are at least as long as this post, explaining what they want me to explain to N.
My mother has been very vague about the details of what actually happened all the while. She mentioned a call from the school that she'll tell me about after N talks to me about what happened. Saying that it was something about "sex and drugs." The latter of which is kind of a big deal, because years ago, my sister and I agreed that if either of us ever got into drugs, then the other would beat the shit out of that person. Obviously, I don't plan on doing that, but I do plan on bringing that agreement up in our conversation.
Today, she came to my house while I was at work. My roommate let her in and gave her a spare key. She was gone by the time I got home from work. She apparently went to some friends' house.
We're meeting for dinner for the birthday party of a mutual friend (someone we met, ironically, in that drug free program we were both involved in). It's my intention to come back and talk about things after that. Figure out exactly what's going on and exactly what needs to be done to fix it. I don't expect it to be simple, so I'll be back in this thread later to get all of your thoughts.
TLDR: If it's too long to read all the details, then just check out on this one. It's too big of a deal for me to summarize.
I appreciate the help. I've got to leave right now for dinner or I'm going to be late. I'll be back this way later tonight.
I'm 23, living in a suburb outside Columbus, Ohio in a house with two roommates. I grew up about 30-45 minutes to the east of here in a house where my mother, father, and, until recently, my younger sister still live. My sister (we'll call her N) turned 18 this past December and is still a senior in high school, graduating in June. She'd gotten pretty good test scores and got into Ohio University for this fall.
I was a pretty good kid growing up, did all the right stuff, stayed out of drugs/alcohol, went to college and got a job. N had been on the same path for a long time. Active in the drug free program, decent grades, part time job, field commander of the marching band, all that good wholesome stuff. She and our mother had always gotten into little arguments (sometimes bigger arguments) about normal teenage crap (staying out too late, being punished for breaking the rules, not doing chores, etc.). I never thought much of it. I figured that N would just play the game that I played growing up (and had instructed her to play): you deal with mom, tell her what she wants to hear, and then move hours away to college and have all the freedom you want. N, apparently, didn't heed my advice.
On Wednesday, I got a phone call from my father who was sobbing. He told me that my sister had ran away the night before, leaving her car, her cell phone, and just about everything else she owns. They didn't know where she was. I said the only thing I could say at that point, sitting at work with that information: "Okay. I'll let you know if I hear anything."
Shortly thereafter, I get a call from my mother with a little more detail. Something about how N came home late and they started fighting about something that was very big deal. She didn't give me any details at the time. But it ended with my mom telling N to leave her cell phone and her keys because she was grounded from both for some time. My mom went to bed that night with the phone and keys on the desk in her room. She woke up at 1AM to go to the bathroom and my sister was just gone. My mother freaked out, obviously. She called the police who told her basically that "she's 18, it happens, there's nothing she can do if she left the car which is in my dad's name at home." She called N's friends, none of which had any idea about what had happened, several of which ended up hysterically crying in the middle of the night. The phone call ended much the same way the previous had, though in a more concerned tone: "Okay. I'll let you know if I hear anything."
I took that opportunity to do what I felt was about the only and best thing I could do at that point: figure out where my sister was and make sure she's safe. So I messaged her on Facebook and MySpace. I explained that I didn't care what had happened or what was going on, but that she could come and stay as long as she wanted at my house. I said the one condition was that she continued to go to school.
She called me that afternoon. She'd gone to a friend's house. Someone she knew online who no one else knew. She said she was fine and said she'd like to take me up on my offer. I agreed and told her I'd call mom and let her know that N was going to come home to get some things and then come stay with me for a while. My mom, being relieved just to know that N was alright, agreed.
N stayed at a friend's house that night (Wednesday) as well as Thursday night, calling me and telling me that she'd be coming over on Friday. I, in no place to insist otherwise, said fine.
My parents have each called me three times each day asking what's going on, explaining every gambit of their emotions. Giving me huge lists of things to tell her, because she wasn't answering their calls. Telling her that my mother was sorry. Explaining that she needs boundaries. Explaining that she can't ruin her life because she's just mad. Seriously, multiple emails that each are at least as long as this post, explaining what they want me to explain to N.
My mother has been very vague about the details of what actually happened all the while. She mentioned a call from the school that she'll tell me about after N talks to me about what happened. Saying that it was something about "sex and drugs." The latter of which is kind of a big deal, because years ago, my sister and I agreed that if either of us ever got into drugs, then the other would beat the shit out of that person. Obviously, I don't plan on doing that, but I do plan on bringing that agreement up in our conversation.
Today, she came to my house while I was at work. My roommate let her in and gave her a spare key. She was gone by the time I got home from work. She apparently went to some friends' house.
We're meeting for dinner for the birthday party of a mutual friend (someone we met, ironically, in that drug free program we were both involved in). It's my intention to come back and talk about things after that. Figure out exactly what's going on and exactly what needs to be done to fix it. I don't expect it to be simple, so I'll be back in this thread later to get all of your thoughts.
TLDR: If it's too long to read all the details, then just check out on this one. It's too big of a deal for me to summarize.
I appreciate the help. I've got to leave right now for dinner or I'm going to be late. I'll be back this way later tonight.
jotate on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
If i were you i would avoid taking sides in whatever the issue is as best you can, and offer guidance to your sister if she's having some troubles, but keep it all seperate from your parents. Assure them that your sister is safe and well. I assume your sister is just going to need some time before she's able to speak to your parents again. Also beware of falling into the trap any older sibling faces : You arent her parent, so dont try to be.
Are her friends involved in drugs? Any of them? I find it odd she's staying with a friend no one else knows whom she met online. Be careful bringing this person up too.
Basically, I guess that's what my advice boils down to. Be careful with what you say so she doesn't run off. I know that has to be the shittiest advice at this moment, but there is no exact science to this at all. Allow her to open up to you, and don't grill her too hard for details. Make sure she knows you're there for her regardless, but don't bring up the phrase "You need help" or anything along those lines as she will get defensive.
Its hard to gather from the post just what the right course would be, but a listening ear is generally a good start. I would suggest not to impose your own sense of right and wrong until the situation becomes a bit more comfortable, that is to say, try not to take any one side until you have the whole picture.
Tough spot really, sitting between your parents who are obviously freaking, and sister, who must know that they will be doing so. Its not exactly fair that you're in that position, but good for you for being willing to take it head on. It would be pretty tempting to become the messenger, ferrying information back and forth between the two parties, but I would caution about being just a mouthpiece for your folks. Their words will seem like they have your backing if they come from you, so be ready to gist and paraphrase what you feel are their intentions, rather than their words.
That is to say, instead of saying things like "Mom says youve done such and such, and now she is going to...", keep neutral tones, and lean more towards things like 'I think mom and dad are really worried about you because (insert action here)". You'll need to be clear that it is your interpretation, your own feelings about what is going on, rather than saying that Mom told you this, or Dad said that, to help distance your self from the situation while still looking on to it with your sister. Should help open the conversation up for your sister to help focus on the feelings behind the situation, rather than detailed specifics, or precise words that were said.
Essentially (just a bit on why I'm saying this) people decide things emotionally first, and than act out after- so if your sister gets in trouble, and your mom gets mad, the actual conversation may have drifted to be about something entirely different - but angry words were said, and ultimatums and punishments were doled out. Most often this results in people feeling the situation is extraordinarily harsh or unfair, because a minor topic may get blown out of proportion, and emotions become reciprocated.
Mom turns a little thing into a huge one because of underlying emotions in play, and now sis feels that the punishment does not suit the crime and becomes emotional in return- escalating the situation. Just as an example, of course. What I'm trying to get at, is that you may have better luck treating the situation as a symptom of a larger issue (or issues) in play, rather than just trying to bandage that specific situation. This is why its important to not get bogged down into details, but to try and sort out the underlying themes and emotions that cause this cycle to exist in the first place.
Maybe thats a bit much, but thats pretty common too, most just do their best to understand the people involved, and hope that its enough. For the most part, it turns out to be that it is.
Sex? With whom and under what circumstances? Having protected sex with a steady boyfriend =/= having unprotected sex with multiple partners.
Drugs? What drugs and under what circumstances? Smoking pot with said steady boyfriend =/= smoking meth in some parking lot somewhere.
Kinda hard to give advice when you don't know what's going on.
Frankly, this whole thing just screams "overcontrolling parents!" to me. Especially this part:
and this part:
Find out what's going on, but be there for your sister because it really really really sounds like your parents need to come to terms with the fact that she's an adult now.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I understand that they (and by extension, you) are concerned but without more information it's hard to give advice.
That'll teach her. :P
It's like there's a few crucial times in kids' lives when they need to realize some things for themselves, and parents or family or friends can only encourage the right behavior, but not force it. I say leave her alone, but don't give her anything for free. Don't bribe her to stick around, but don't necessarily kick her out either. Like the consensus here says, she (thinks she) is an adult, and if she isn't, she needs to come to terms with that, or if she is, you and your parents need to do the same.
And that's my stale advice for the day.
I talked to my sister. I didn't get nearly the drastic story I was expecting. Her side of it is fairly simple. Then I talked to mom and it got to be much more dramatic.
She told mom that she was going to our aunt's house. Instead, she went to a friend's house (we'll call him K). My mother has not been a fan of K for a long while. He'd been known for smoking pot and some other stuff. He spent some time in prison for (surprise!) running away from home. Apparently he's cleaned up since prison and is now on probation. Anyway, my mother found out she wasn't at our aunt's and called N. N confessed to being at K's house. Mom told her to be home in 10 minutes or she was losing her cell phone and her car. She got home in 12 minutes and mom took them. They then proceeded to have a long, drawn out screaming argument about whatever, several instances of the "My house, my rules" argument. It ended in what N says was "mom daring me to leave." So she left.
I asked her about the drugs. She admitted she had been doing cough syrup. Nothing else. According to subsequent conversations with my mom, she's apparently been taking like 20 coricidin pills each morning. It started a couple weeks ago, but she claims to not be doing that anymore as of this past week.
Apparently, it has become regular practice for her to lie about where she's going because she knows that mom wouldn't approve or let her go.
Talking to my mother, she was much more forthcoming with what's been going on, all of which I confirmed with my sister just now. Apparently, my sister has a 23% in English. She failed a test that was on a book that she hadn't read. She claims that all of the other stuff that had been going on was the reason. She wrote a letter to her English teacher, reaching out to him, and explaining everything in detail that had been happening and why she didn't read the book. He, doing what he had to do, reported it to the guidance counselor who read the letter to my mother over the phone.
It revealed the recently acquired addiction to cough medicine. Moreover, that she had found out that K, who she'd been sexually active with several months earlier, had been diagnosed with herpes. The combination of these things had basically slipped her into a stupor for the previous couple weeks.
Confronting my sister with all this information as relayed by our mother, she confessed that it was all true. She said that she'd gotten tested on Wednesday and she was clean. She talked to her English teacher on Thursday and he told her that she could still very easily pass the class so long as she did well in the final 9 weeks and the final exam. And as I've said, she says she's off the drugs. She also said that she was only hanging out with K because, having recently recovered from an addiction himself, he was helping her get over her problem.
When mom confronted N with all of this on Monday (the day before she left), N asked her for help in fixing all of the things that were falling apart. The reason she left was because she'd asked for help, lied mom into being totally frustratingly angry, and then felt like mom had no idea how to help her the way she needed to be helped. So she left.
So this is the situation.
My sister is scared. I think she knows that she has a problem. She knows that she needs help, but she also constantly wants to do what she wants, even if it's perpetuating the problems or bad habits. She has shown remorse and a desire to make things right, but she is skeptical that mom is willing to make the sacrifices that will allow her to do what she wants to do.
My mother is also scared. She feels entirely helpless about the situation. If she's too restrictive, N just gets up and leaves. If she's too lenient, N ends up with an STD, addicted to drugs, and failing out of school. She's bipolar in her thoughts on this situation. She goes back and forth between wanting to apologize and greet N back with open arms or wanting to put strict deadlines on when she needs to move back home or else.
I'm trying to just take this slowly at this point. My mom's trying to get me to set down rules and deadlines. My sister is still pretty much coming and going as she pleases. She did agree that ultimately, she should move back, but gave no estimation of the time line involved.
My mother is stuck in the mentality she used dealing with me. I'm a logical person, so when she was arguing with me, she used logical points. If I said that I was an adult, she'd bring up the fact that I was financially dependent and that worked on me. N isn't the same way. She's emotional. She'd stop listening at the suggestion that she's not a responsible adult capable of making her own decisions. Which is what my mother refuses to step away from.
What a nightmare...
This is the concept I'm trying to get through to my mother. It's clear that N knows the consequences of her actions. But it's also clear that mom disrespecting her is enough to make her not give a shit about the consequences. So rather than my mom giving her boundaries and enforcing them with an iron fist, she's going to have to just guide her into making the right choices and let the consequences of her decisions be their own punishment.
I just told my mom "you're going to have to guide her in the right direction without drawing the line and telling her to follow it." Hopefully, she takes the advice to heart.
EDIT: way to post an update while I'm typing :P
Hehe, it took me like 45 minutes to write that update post. You had plenty of time! :P
I don't think she's aware of the situation. Mom's keeping it on the DL from the rest of the family, ironically, out of respect for N's privacy.
On the other she's a manipulative lying shit-heel who left in the middle of the night without telling anyone, scared the crap out of your parents, and wont even talk to them to let them know she's ok.
Since she's an adult now I think it's time to have a talk with your parents about whether or not they even want your sister back in the first place.
Your parents never yelled at you, said you were a horrible child, and said they wished they never had you when you didn't do the dishes did they? Stress makes you do strange things, and when your parents blow small things incredibly out of proportion and tell you that if you want to leave go ahead but never come back. Leaving starts to sound pretty good.
Anyway, she's moved back home now, and has calmed down a lot. She was basically a brat, but I don't think she realised the risk she was putting herself at while she was acting out like she was. If she had've been closer to my brothers or I, I would have felt a lot better about things. But as it was she wouldn't even talk to us.
What I'm trying to say is it sounds like you're doing everything right. Don't be another set of rules and punishments, just let her know that you're there for her and she always has a bed to sleep in, and someone she can trust to confide in, if she comes to you. It may just be her trying to gain some independence (it was for my sister). My only advice here is don't do what I did and try and insist that she'd be better off doing this instead of that, or demanding that she listen to your parents; right now it sounds like she trusts you, and making her feel like she's letting you down or you're judging her will probably just push her away.
Yeah, but this isn't a case of she didn't wash the dishes, and left out of total frustration. She first said she was only doing cough syrup, and just now admitted to doing much worse. She put her health on the line I assume by being sexually active without protection for fear of getting herpes (I know you can still get herpes with condom usage, but I've heard condom usage can help take down the risk of contracting the disease, am I right?) and she's flunking a class that would get her to graduate.
I understand the desire to want to be able to live at home, but be given more freedom without your parents treating you like a little kid all the time, I get that, truly I do. But when a person starts fucking around majorly, is when they've proven they can't handle the freedom they so desperately seek. Her parents have every right to be cracking down on this, and I'm sure parents would crack down on this if the kid was 30 and living on their own. She has a problem, its her parents job to set her on the right course. They don't have to run her life, they just have to get her help and set strict rules to keep her safe when she seems unable to do it for herself.
Make sure to tell her that Coricidn is not safe just in case she takes it again. Anything with a medical ingredient other than Dextromethorphan Hydrobromide (Or, more rarely, polistirex) has the potential to be very damaging to her body. Coricidin specifically contains acetaminophen, which is known to cause liver damage in the doses she'd be taking it.
Not that I encourage this, but being safe is always the first priority.
Indeed. If it works, she'll end up being a much more independent and adaptable person.
Die hard rules and boundaries are for the military, where they can't afford to have you thinking individually without the proper training (sorry if that offends anyone). Real life is about experience, and learning from the stupid shit that you do. :P
First of all, it's entirely possible to get herpes while practicing safer sex. It's a fairly minor std, not at all the end of the world.
Second of all, her parents have every right to crack down on their 18-year-old daughter while she's living at home. However, if she wants to move out and get her GED (and it sounds like she's certainly smart enough to do so if her grades at school have previously been good), there goes that thread of control. When dealing with an adult child, parental involvement changes from force to encouragement and support. If the parents want to encourage her to quit taking cough syrup recreationally (yuck) and stay in high school, they're going to have to use better tactics than "you have to do what I say," because at this point, she doesn't.
Right. It doesn't help that she's recently (in the last couple years) had some gastrointestinal health problems that have put her in the hospital multiple times.
I appreciate the advice you all are offering. A lot of it is stuff that I'd pretty much come to already. It's good to have the support of you guys backing me up that it's the right idea. I obviously want to resolve this and get her back at home as quickly as possible, but it would just end up in the same result or worse if the cause of the problems aren't taken care of.
Slight update.
She apparently went home last night to talk to mom/dad. Talking to both N and mom, it was a good talk. Taking baby steps towards moving to an agreement about how to fix all of this and make things better. I'm going to encourage another one of those talks to hopefully finalize things and get it all made right either tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm pretty hopeful, so long as they can both put forth the serious effort behind the rhetoric of compromise that they both claim to want.
Thanks again, guys.
My roommates and I had the "why abstinence only education is stupid" conversation with her sitting at the table this morning. It was unintentional and spontaneous, but gave me the perfect opportunity to very indirectly have the "use protection" conversation with her.
N didn't have school today. So she told me that she was going to stay with her friend J. J's a nice girl who's been around for a long time. Even if that wasn't the case, I would've just said fine, because I'm trying to stay entirely away from the restrictive/superiority thing that pissed her off so much in the first place.
Mom messaged me today. She talked to J. J apparently only spoke to N for 5 minutes yesterday and hasn't seen her since Wednesday.
So, barring any alternative explanations, N just straight up gave me false information that didn't even ask for...for absolutely no reason.
She also apparently ran out of gas because she went to her aunt's house and borrowed her car. The only stipulation was she be back so the aunt could go to her doctor's appointment at 1pm. It's 3:30pm and she's not back.
The only rule I gave her about staying with me was that she had to go to school every day. Though the thought has literally brought me to tears I sit here at my desk at work, if she doesn't go to school tomorrow, I'm telling her to leave and never come back.
But given her current disregard for anyone who's given her absolutely whatever she wanted, "never" might be the effective result of that statement.
Indeed though, I wouldn't use the word never if possible. "Disappointment" is a good one. Short of that, I don't know what to say to her. She's going to have some hard times, but it looks like even the soft hand approach fails.
Have you tried an alternative approach? Dale Carnagie used to say that the way to influence a person is to appeal to their own wants. I've always found that to be utterly enlightening advice.
The difficulty comes in figuring out WHY she's acting this way: what is it she wants that she's not getting. Is it respect? Excitement? Independence?
Try writing down a list of positive and negative consequences of her action. Don't talk to her about what you want her to do, but what she wants (which is why she's doing what she's doing)... and show her that her actions actually hinder what she wants more than helps it.
For example, the list of Positives for her behaviour:
* Being able to do what she wants for the time being
And the negatives:
* Having to take on a job to support herself (as she will lose the financial and room-and-board support of her family)
* Losing her ability to do what she wants in the long term (due to the stresses that will accompany having to get a job and support herself in the real world alone)
Just as an example here. It could be made clear, without stating what YOU want but rather in terms of what SHE wants, that she's actually doing herself a disservice for her goals by claiming this unfettered independence for herself. She might be able to be made to realize that giving in to the needs of others and others' expectations of her will actually be in her own best interest of doing the things that she wants to do.
Aye, I agree with VC. Positive reinforcement is the only thing that's going to get through to her, if ANY reinforcement is going to. Try to use the basic tenets of influencing people... I hate to re-iterate another person's knowledge, but I've been reading some of Carnagie's work lately and it makes a lot of sense to me:
1. Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Points one and two are important, but point three is the big home-run hitter here. You need to arouse in her the eager want to remain a part of the family, for her own self interest. She's not going to turn away from what she's doing unless she sees the immediate and long term good it would do.
The trick is to figure out what her want is. What is it that's making her do the things she's doing? When you can find that out, you can figure out how to put the argument to her that she'll be far greater served toward that goal by avoiding the destructive parts of her habits.
EDIT: Also, if it helps... he had 12 tenets for how to win people to your way of thinking. Again, I hate to just recite information from a book verbatim, but it's all good advice in this case.
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. (unavoidable in your situation at this point)
2. Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong." (Just guide them to something "even more right" if you will.)
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. (This will be especially important for your sister... you'll need to guide her to the conclusions that you wish her to take on)
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.
@VC: I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that she's being dishonest to me given how I've been handling this situation with her. She had absolutely zero reason to lie to me. If she'd said she was going to her new boyfriend's house to sleep with him, I'd have told her to use protection and drive safe.
And like I said, I'm not going to throw the "get out" ultimatum unless she goes back on the agreement that she go to school. I am going to bring up the fact that lying to me and taking unashamedly taking advantage of people is not something I'm prepared to accept.
How am I supposed to react to that?
This could be your opportunity to show her, for good, that you're looking out for her best interests. It won't be easy, and she may not listen to you anyways (which, in that case, she is likely beyond the ability for others to help her at all, and she's going to have to learn it herself).
For instance, when you said:
Does she KNOW that for sure, or do you just hope that she knows that? Sometimes things must be mentioned explicitly, especially if she's used to having to lie to people in order to do the things she wants. Letting her know explicitly that - though you're trying to help her - you're not trying to control her, could go a long way. But I don't know exactly what you've said along those lines. I think you've been trying your hardest, and I think you're doing very well given this difficult situation.
As far as how to confront her, I think we need your help on it. What, do you feel, is her main motivation for doing what she's doing?
I have no idea anymore.
I thought she was just scared because of all the shit that was hitting her. And then I thought she was just disrespected. And as recent as today, I felt like she was just emotionally procrastinating. I thought she'd probably made the realization that she made a mistake but was putting off admitting it to herself because it'd be a direct blow to her ego with no one to blame for it but herself.
But now? The unnecessary dishonesty? The blatant taking advantage of our aunt who was doing nothing but trying to be nice to her? It's unabashedly selfish. And bordering on sheerly malicious.
So I have no idea what she wants.
How do you negotiate with someone who gets everything they ask for but then takes more for no reason?
This sounds like a girl who's had her back against the wall for some time. A girl who felt like the only way to do what she wanted to do was through lying and manipulating. Once that tendency begins, it can be hard to steer that ship in the other direction. Especially when you've got all the other confusing issues of childhood that you're dealing with as well.
What you said here:
Is the most telling evidence for this theory. She's acting in the same way that she would've in her more hostile home environment, but that's due more to habit and how she knows she can get what she wants than out of malice.
It's going to take time, and support, and even directly stating the fact, for her to realize that she doesn't have to play those games anymore... and that her actions not only not helping her and her goals, but that they're hurting her.
You're doing good so far, much better than most people could. Keep supporting her, but confront her about the lies she's been telling you. Not in a "you violated my trust, get out of my house" way, but in a "I see that you did (A) and (B) and (C), and I can understand why you did it, but you didn't really need to do that. Here's why..." (followed by explaining to her why you brought her into your house in the first place [i.e. to allow her to make more of her own choices and get out of the situations where she had to lie and cover up to do what she wanted], and why she doesn't need to sneak around to do the things she wants to do anymore... and that you're as interested in her goals as she is.)
Once she realizes that you're on her side, you'll be able to open her up a bit and find out why she wants to do what she's doing... and from there, you can use that knowledge to help influence her behaviour by pointing out how taking action (A) is more helpful to her goals than action (B), and as a trusted confidant she'll take that advice to heart.
That is, of course, if she hasn't already decided that she's just getting everything she can get without concern for anyone else. There's a chance that she's made that decision... but if she has, then her cause has already been lost and that isn't your fault. It's still too early to be sure on that though... but it doesn't do much harm to continue trying. I don't know for sure if she can be pulled out of the spin she's in, but I know that even if she can't, when she hits the floor she'll remember that you tried hard to help her through it... and she'll be able to come to you when she realizes the crash she's taken.
All I can say at this point is to do damage control and distance your family from her until she gets her head out of her ass. Call your aunt and explaining exactly what's going on and to cut your sister off. Then, talk to your sister and tell her you don't like being lied to. Tell her that she can come back when she's changed. Then, show her the door.