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GF yelled someone elses name in bed
suicidexcuse
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm in need of some advice. No one I know has a good enough understanding of relationships and girls for me to ask. Any help would be appreciated and I'll try to keep this short. Just a little back story first.
So 3 months ago i met a girl at work. She has lived in Canada for 2 years. She had a long distance boyfriend for 5 years who still lived back in her country and they both knew he would never come to Canada. So eventually she started showing interest in me. I did the same. I never made the first move (not right with her having a boyfriend). But after she kissed me for the first time, she phoned her boyfriend and told him she had met someone else. So after that we began to date but they remained friends. Phoning each other sometimes and emailing. I'll admit it bothered me but she assured me it was nothing and that he was her bestfriend and nothing more. As just as a side note I never learned the guys name.
Now back to the present. So sunday night her ex called. And as she talked to him i watched TV. This happened for about 15 minutes. She even talked to him in english so i could understand everything. So after they talked we both went to bed. We had sex twice then fell asleep (she initiated). Then next morning we woke up pretty early around 8am. And she initiated sex again. So as we were having sex i heard her yell something that sounded weird. It sounded like "fuck christian". So i stopped and asked her what she said. She said nothing and that it was something stupid. So she refuse to tell me for about 10 minutes until she said " I said fuck christian, like the religion". Now it made no sense to me at all. SO i asked her what her exboyfriends name was and she said "tom". This was without any pause AT ALL. So i dropped the subject .
2 hours later she was checking her email with me and there was an email from her ex and she quickly grabbed the laptop from me and refused let me see it. So i walked away into my room without saying a word. She finally came into my room and told me her exs name was Christian but that her saying it ment nothing at all. So it hurt me so bad that she said that. She apologized over and over again saying she loved me and it didnt mean anything, and she wasn't sure why she said it and she was sorry she lied to me. So i finally forgave her and told her it was going to be ok.
Now I think i made a big mistake. I cannot stop thinking about what happened. It obviously ment something. She was in a "relationship" with this guy for 5 years and she was talking to him the night before. I love this girl but I just feel like I'm forgetting why I ever did. She outright lied to me. She even told me she had planned to get all her friends and family to never mention her exs name around me so i would never find out. Now I feel she might even be lying to me about breaking up with him. Is this worth breaking up with someone over? Is she still in love with her ex? Or was it actually just a mistake? Thanks in advance for any help.
So 3 months ago i met a girl at work. She has lived in Canada for 2 years. She had a long distance boyfriend for 5 years who still lived back in her country and they both knew he would never come to Canada. So eventually she started showing interest in me. I did the same. I never made the first move (not right with her having a boyfriend). But after she kissed me for the first time, she phoned her boyfriend and told him she had met someone else. So after that we began to date but they remained friends. Phoning each other sometimes and emailing. I'll admit it bothered me but she assured me it was nothing and that he was her bestfriend and nothing more. As just as a side note I never learned the guys name.
Now back to the present. So sunday night her ex called. And as she talked to him i watched TV. This happened for about 15 minutes. She even talked to him in english so i could understand everything. So after they talked we both went to bed. We had sex twice then fell asleep (she initiated). Then next morning we woke up pretty early around 8am. And she initiated sex again. So as we were having sex i heard her yell something that sounded weird. It sounded like "fuck christian". So i stopped and asked her what she said. She said nothing and that it was something stupid. So she refuse to tell me for about 10 minutes until she said " I said fuck christian, like the religion". Now it made no sense to me at all. SO i asked her what her exboyfriends name was and she said "tom". This was without any pause AT ALL. So i dropped the subject .
2 hours later she was checking her email with me and there was an email from her ex and she quickly grabbed the laptop from me and refused let me see it. So i walked away into my room without saying a word. She finally came into my room and told me her exs name was Christian but that her saying it ment nothing at all. So it hurt me so bad that she said that. She apologized over and over again saying she loved me and it didnt mean anything, and she wasn't sure why she said it and she was sorry she lied to me. So i finally forgave her and told her it was going to be ok.
Now I think i made a big mistake. I cannot stop thinking about what happened. It obviously ment something. She was in a "relationship" with this guy for 5 years and she was talking to him the night before. I love this girl but I just feel like I'm forgetting why I ever did. She outright lied to me. She even told me she had planned to get all her friends and family to never mention her exs name around me so i would never find out. Now I feel she might even be lying to me about breaking up with him. Is this worth breaking up with someone over? Is she still in love with her ex? Or was it actually just a mistake? Thanks in advance for any help.
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does it mean something more than nothing? you bet your ass it does.
i have no advice other than to reassure you that this IS an issue to be addressed and NO its not you being paranoid
Best case scenario, something happened that reminded her of him and she was so out of it, while being in the throes of passion, that she exclaimed something without thinking. Think of it like something bad happening and saying "oh shit" and then realizing that you're sitting in church, only flipped for a good thing.
The problem is that we can't answer which it was. You need to sit down with her and get to the bottom of it. Don't be accusatory, just say that you don't want to just be a placeholder for the american guy whom she obviously still has fond feelings for. Ask her if she'd be willing to not talk to Christian for a few weeks/months; if she flat out refuses, then something's probably up. If she says she's willing to not talk to him for a while, because she knows she kinda made a mistake, then you have a better idea that she's serious.
But you'll only get there via talking with *her*, not her friends or us. You need to tell her that you know it's embarrassing but you're an intimate couple and these are the kinds of things you should be able to talk to each other about. Above all else do NOT get mad.
Unless she admits to not really liking you and is just waiting until she can get back w/ Christian. Then you can get mad.
Well, the bolded question is up to you to decide. How much do you value honesty in your relationships? If it's high on your list of priorities, then this could be a deal-breaker, especially if she indeed told her friends and family not to say his name around you so you wouldn't find out.
Is she still in love with her ex? Quite possible. There was not enough time for her to make a clean emotional break (based on what you've said here) with him before hooking up with you, so you kind of had to expect that. Even if she doesn't still "love" him per se, it's foolish not to think that she would still harbor some feelings for him. Plus, they've been keeping in contact this entire time, so there was definitely never even a chance to get any closure there. Is she cheating on you? No evidence of that, so I'd hold off on thinking about it unless you get something that indicates infidelity.
So, in short, I'll say that personally I value honesty in a relationship and if she were willing to go to such lengths to keep you from finding out about this, she's obviously pretty comfortable with the idea of being less than honest with you. That may apply to the relationship in later stages, it may not. Are you willing to take the risk?
Finally: there is a big difference between 'love' and 'lust'. The former can be and often is confused for the latter, and almost always takes longer to build (to any reasonable degree) than three months. Just something to consider.
Pretty much this. After 5 years, it probably became second nature to associate sex with that name, thats why people will date on and off and get back together even though they both know they'll just break up again. I've had to swerve and zag more than a couple times to avoid calling my current girlfriend by the name of my 3-year ex on reflex. And I can tell you personally, my intent is not using her as a placeholder
I've done this. Not in bed, but I've called a girl I was dating an ex's name. It can be accidental or if you're on autopilot.
I'd be cautious, but I wouldn't hold it against her too much.
Ultimately it's up to you how much you make of it, but it's probably nothing.
Agreed, 100%. I was married for 9 years, and even five years out of that, if the experience is intense (be it awesome sex, raging anger, grief), and there are names to be called, I'm still embarassingly at risk of using my ex-husband's name. Rest assured, I'm not in any danger of going back down that road.
It's embarassing, intensely embarassing, though, and I'm happy to say that the last time it happened my lover was intensely cool about the whole thing, smiled and did more of what he was up to when I lost my mind.
Slips happen, especially if one is caught up in the moment and unguarded. It probably speaks highly of you to be associated in the same 'box' as someone she previously fell in love with.
How very, very embarrasing for her. Out of all the things that make people lie, embarrassment - deep humiliation - is right at the very tip top of the list. So no, I wouldn't put a lot of thought into it, and no, I wouldn't be concerned at the knee-jerk coverup. If you wet yourself in a crowd of fifty people, and someone looked at you and said 'Hey bud, is that ... is that pee?' You would lie your ass off. It would be a bad lie, and it would become obvious through your embarrassment that it was a lie, and everyone would know.
I think, if one were that embarrassed, one would wish for a quick, 'hey, these things happen' and appreciate any effort made to forget the whole thing.
You don't have to make her stop talking to him (though i assure you he's pouring poison in her ear), just don't be the jealous guy who gets all whigged out, it will make a better impression if you don't act like a child. This is nothing to worry about. seriously.
Maybe try something creative yelling yourself. oh yeah, girl behind the counter who made me that great coffee and looks so-good in that green apron, tell me how you liiike it
And really, really don't suggest that she cut of contact with this Christian because of it, not even briefly. Not only does it make you look insecure, but also slightly controlling, and she'll say it's unfair for punishing him for something she did. Telling your partner who they can or cannot talk to / see is never a good thing, don't do it.
I'm inclined to say it was a simple, non-thinking mistake. I'm also inclined to believe that, for how upset he's getting over this, there may be something in their relationship that would make her think he would blow it out of proportion, so that getting people in on it might be her only recourse. The fact that she came clean relatively soon speaks for her in this case.
I liken it to when Lewis Black was saying that, when September 11th was reported, everyone had that selfish moment, even for a second, where they thought how it would affect them. People try to cover up embarrassment, and this was obviously a doozy.
I know it probably hurts like all hell. I'd be weeping in a corner if I was you, and entirely unable to type that post. I'm just that "sensitive" (read: ridiculously insecure for no good reason).
You have my sympathies, bro, but I'm sure it's all OK.
There's "little white lie" dishonesty: 'why were you late coming home?' "Oh, I stopped over at Joe's" (when you were really at the bar).
Then there's "putting too much effort into the lie": 'why were you late coming home?' "Oh, I stopped over at Joe's" (calls Joe) "Tell her I was at your place after work" (calls bar) "Tell her you never saw me yesterday".
I'm just saying that it paints a grim picture of how the relationship will fare when one of the participants is willing to go to such lengths to cover up dishonesty. Plus, again, this is a three-month-old relationship. If it were nine years old, something like this could be more easily dismissed I'd think, because you'd have those prior nine years (of hopefully deceit-free committment) to assuage yourself.
Edit: With that said, I'm not saying "get out now" or anything like that, I'm just saying it's probably a good idea to discuss the importance of honesty with her.
I doubt it. Sounds like they never even had a relationship. Just one of those goofy online/phone relationships where they always say they love each other, but haven't even had physical contact. Did she even meet this guy in person? Did they have a physical relationship? Things you might want to find out. If she never even met the dewd, then this is all just really silly business.
No. You've only been dating 4 months. She may have been thinking "My GAWD, this is sex is so awesome! Fuck Christian! What a lame ass I was for ever liking him". Certainly not anything to end a relationship over.
She may still have feelings for him, but so what. It's hard to let go of people you cared about. Most important that matters is she's with you. She's fucking you, NOT Christian.
I don't buy the "fuck Christianity as a religion" line during sex. I don't want this to be a blanket statement, but I've found it to be quite true in my own personal relationships: girls will lie to spare your feelings. She doesn't want to hurt you, so she'll lie about it till she's blue in the face. Don't ask why, because I have no idea. You're probably making a big deal out of it than need be. In fact, the more of a big deal you make out of it, the more of a "bad guy" you will be. I'd have an honest conversation about it, let her talk, listen to her feelings, and just accept what she says. If she's going to lie to you, tell her it will only hurt the relationship and the more honest she can be, the better for the two of you. Just tell her you're going to trust whatever she says.
You could even say, "hey, since you yelled out some dude's name during sex, next time I get to" or something like that. Chances are she won't want to hear that, and can maybe understand how that made you feel.
Yep.
Was it because of some underlying desire to be with him?
I don't think so.
MAYBE it is, but you should give her the benefit of the doubt. I mean, if she was with him for five years and recently broke up, his name is still in her mind. I know you don't want to hear it, but humans have a habit of developing patterns. She probably said his name while they were in bed together, and after five years it became a natural thing to say. Like if you say "Fuckstick" a lot when you're angry, one day you'll say fuckstick when it's inappropriate because it's become second nature.
While it *could* (as in, it's in the realm of possibilities) be that she has some underlying desire to still be with him, I'm willing to be that it was just a slip-up due to the same human tendency that makes us swear when we stub our toe if we've let ourselves swear when we're injured all our lives, or how we mix up names in our head. It's habit... but one she'll break out of.
Especially if she was sleepy... our whole subconscious mind is a series of situation-to-language relationships. So after five years, she associated the feelings of sex with the name of her ex boyfriend. It's not because he was some kind of God of the bedroom... it's because he was the situation in which that feeling came up for so long that it just stuck. Note that she doesn't do that when she's conscious, because consciously she knows that sex has no REAL relation with him. It's just the strange way that the subconscious mind makes connections.
Given time, your name will be the one that she subconsciously says. Hell, if you get her to say "George Kastanza" while having sex frequently enough, she'll subconsciously associate THAT with sex. The point is that if she cares for you, that subconscious connection is just a meaningless term... and one that'll go away or be replaced with time.
When I first moved in with the the woman that became my wife there was one night when I was watching tv and she was reading or something. I tried to get her attention to look at something (pre-Tivo) and kept saying "Hey. Hey look at that." and she was totally oblivious. Finally in frustration I say, "Karen, look at the damn tv." Unfortunately, her name is Susan. I hoped she was too involved in the book to notice, but she just said "I don't think she can hear you." I was horrified at calling my new girlfriend by my ex's name and probably would have tried to spin it somehow in a fit of stupidity if she'd asked. But I wasn't holding in some kind of repressed feelings for the ex, it was just a case of my brain running on autopilot and saying the name it had been saying for 7 years.
To this day, my best friend calls my wife Steve-Dave because he kept calling her Karen at our first Thanksgiving together. Once you do it the first time, all you can think about is not doing it again, but the name just gets stuck in your head.
So yeah, don't sweat it. Accidents happen.
OP: If I were you, I'd think about Solandra's quote above. I personally think that you were off base here. If I were you, I'd tell your girlfriend that you're sorry you freaked out about it, that you know it was just a mistake and you wish you'd been cooler about it, but you weren't expecting it and flipped out. That's going to be the best way to smooth things over.
Any suggestions about cutting off communication with her ex only prove that you're (a) completely insecure, (b) a controlling dick. I'd recommend avoiding any discussion about the ex at all.
I've never called out anyone else's name during sex (in fact, I try not to call out any names during sex), but I have called prior girlfriends other names during arguments and such, it happens. I once called a girlfriend by her best friend's name (that one took weeks to blow over.)
And I guess everyone is right, it's not that big of a deal. It just bothered me because we had so much sex this last weekend and then she says her exs name and it just made me think she was thinking of him the whole time. But I never realized how common it actually is for people to do this.
And on a side-note i didn't know Christian's name because she refused to tell me. I'm now more worried about her hiding more things then about shouting different names during sex.
Hey, different strokes...
If she wanted to close it then she wouldn't be still talking to Christian...
And my girlfriend is from the Philippines.
I know it's easy to get suspicious for us guys when women do things that don't make sense, but jealousy and distrust don't make a good relationship. Just let it go.
i'm not saying that it shouldnt bother you, because that's a natural thing for almost anyone, but dont dig quite so deeply into it.
keep in mind that embarassment is a powerful thing and most people will do or say about anything to save at least some face. she probably hid the laptop from you and wouldnt tell you the guy's name so that you wouldnt think she actually did say someone else's name. so basically, the most likely scenario is that she cares about you and doesnt want you to get hurt because of a mistake she made that she obviously had no control over.
it happens to a lot of people and it generally means nothing. it simply becomes a force of subconscious habit after so long.
Personally I'd probably have joked about it to show it's not a big deal. The first thing that popped into my head was wear a name tag to bed next time. Of course, whether or not you should do something like that would depend completely on her personality.
It was more than likely just a mental trip up under stress (good stress!) and not really something to freak out about.
Edit: Wearing a name tag to bed is hilarious A+++
Yes.
Once, when a boyfriend was saying "hurry up lets go" I accidentally said "Hang on a second, dad!" in response because my dad was usually trying to keep me on time when we were going somewhere.
Sex is not one for me, but pretty much what other people said, association + panic.
Limed for unmistakable truth. There's not a person in the world who doesn't make this kind of slip-up at least occasionally... it shouldn't be viewed any deeper than what it is: purely accidental.
Now if she said she was flying out to go visit Christian, and/or there were other signs that pointed to her still trying to have a relationship, that'd be another thing. But from what's been said, it sounds like that dog's dead and buried. And indeed, she still talks to him: but most women still talk to their Ex's unless it was a particularly heartbreaking breakup, or unless he really doesn't want to talk to her anymore.
Doesn't mean she still wants to be with him. Pardon my generalization (I recognize that it is a generalization, and not always true), but I think women tend to value interpersonal relationships more than men. That is, it's harder for them to cut someone out of their life entirely. They're willing to change what the relationship means (i.e. love to friendship), but cutting out of their life is a painful last resort in cases of extreme duress.
EDIT: And if I was in her shoes, hell yeah I'd tell you anything I could to cover up that slip-up. I'd know that I didn't mean anything by it, but I'd also know that you'd feel *horrible* and read into it far too deeply. As a result, a cover-up would definitely be a panicked but explicable reaction.
Seriously, I called my GF "mom" once. Not in a sexual situation (luckily for me), and I've called her an ex's name while we were having a fight. Once, early in our relationship she said her ex's name in bed. I was pissed, but got over it and started joking about it, it made it much easier to deal with. When she would start kissing me I would start moaning various 'Family Guy' characters names, she was pissed at first, but realized that if I was joking about it, I wasn't hung up on it. (FYI screaming "Oh Stewie!" in bed is oddly liberating)
It's been said over and over, but your brain just works on autopilot. Before you two hooked up, the last guy she was sleeping with was Christian. She was really used to saying his name while she was 'doing it', now she's having sex with you, and her brain returns to autopilot and says his name. Trust me, she feels twice as bad about the whole thing as you do. Let her know that it bugs you, but you understand why it happened and trust her. If you guys stick it out, she's going to get used to saying your name and it won't happen again.
On a side note, I have a friend who only uses the term "baby" when referring to his girlfriend-of-the-week. This is done to simply eliminates the problem of him moaning the wrong name.
lol... I didn't want to admit it earlier, but part of the reason I could sympathize with her position is because I did that once too.
I think my wife asked me to take out the trash, and I said "Yeah Mom" completely subconsciously. I immediately caught it, and we had an uncomfortable moment, and then she (thankfully) busted out laughing.
I've both called out the wrong name in bed before (said "Jen" instead of "Jess" - Jen was a long-time friend of both of ours, and the one who introduced us. Of course, Jess was a little territorial and took it BAD), And had my name called out before in bed by a friend of mine (She was screwing her boyfriend and my name slipped out, despite the two of us never seeing eachother in a romantic way at all).
Sometimes it just happens, get over it. If she keeps it up, worry.
That is the thing that made me comment on this story instead of just laughing and passing by. I knew who my wife had fucked after 1 months of dating.