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Girl over thread.

The SnertThe Snert Registered User regular
edited February 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Sorry, this is going to be long.

So this is my first girl thread, although its more about getting over said girl, rather then trying to win one. I just ended a 5 year long distance relationship. I'm 26, she's 23, almost 24. We dated all throughout college, were very much in love, I thought she was 'the one'. This wasn't my first serious relationship by any means, but it was hers. Our relationship was rocky as what you would expect from being distance (me-miami, her-nyc) but we stuck it out, dealt with the good and the bad as it came, and had clear goals about fixing the distance problem. And we did. We both ended up in Philly, where I've been living for almost a year now with her.

The reason why we've broken up is because she cheated on me. She's known this guy for almost two years, they became friends doing volunteer/event planning stuff together. At the time, she said they were just friends, but that he had a crush on her, but she didn't feel the same way, that she loved me, but nothing was there. I first met the guy maybe 6 months ago. It was odd. Me and her made plans on the phone to make dinner at her place. (we don't live together, but she's literally like 2 blocks away on the same street, I suppose I should be thankful for this now) So I walk over and let myself in, and he's there in her room. And I'm like "oh.. uhmm i thought we were going to make dinner, i didn't know you had a friend over" and she's like "oh yeah this is X, we were just hanging out, and he's leaving soon". I had no reason to suspect anything, but that just felt.. weird. They weren't like undressed or anything like that, but the whole thing just had this feeling of wrongness. I just put it out of my mind.

Anyway, two weeks ago she later admitted to her cheating with the same guy when we were going to have sex. She just.. blurted it out, and cried, and said she fucked up, etc. I asked her for how long, and she said for several months. I flipped out, asked how she could do this to me, left, cried alone in my room for days.
I'm at a loss as to what to do, I'm very lonely, because I left behind my friends and family to make this relationship work and I just feel so hurt and betrayed that it ended up like this, after everything I did for her to make this work. Its hard, cuz I cant just call up my buddies to hang out, drink beer and shoot the shit. I'm kind of introverted and didn't make any new friends up here while I was with her.


tl:dr Long distance relationship for 5 years, finally moved together. Bitch cheated on me, and I'm left flapping in the wind.

The Snert on

Posts

  • DrFrylockDrFrylock Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    What's there to say? Be thankful that you aren't on a lease with her. You can cool off and try to work it out with her (a major uphill battle) or cut your losses and move on. Take a couple of weeks to readjust to being single. You might find that you enjoy the free time. Fill it up with stuff that you haven't been able to do lately. If you're still depressed and/or lonely after a couple weeks, move back to where you came from and start building your life back there.

    DrFrylock on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Could you move back to Miami? You'll probably associate "philly" with "girl" for quite some time, and going back might help you get a better start. Is there something to go back to there?

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • DaenrisDaenris Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Well personally I'd try to talk to her about it and deal with it. Sure, you're allowed to be pissed, but operating under a "one strike and your out" rule seems a bit harsh. I'm more of a two-strikes kind of person.

    If you're really just giving up and done with it, then you pretty much just have to deal. Obviously it's hard living somewhere without any nearby friends for support. Is it at all a possibility to move back closer to your friends? Alternatively, you'll need to make an effort to be more outgoing and try to meet some people to hang out with or hang out with coworkers or something. Sitting at home alone and wallowing in your despair is just going to make you feel worse, so you need to get out and about.

    Daenris on
  • Grid SystemGrid System Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    What do you enjoy doing that can turn into a social opportunity? Alternately, what would you like to try that can turn into a social opportunity?

    With no established base of friends in the city, you're going to have to put in a fair bit of effort towards building new relationships. I can understand if that's the last thing you want to do right now, but once you've taken those steps out the door, you'll start feeling better right away.

    Grid System on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Daenris wrote: »
    Well personally I'd try to talk to her about it and deal with it. Sure, you're allowed to be pissed, but operating under a "one strike and your out" rule seems a bit harsh. I'm more of a two-strikes kind of person.
    I asked her for how long, and she said for several months.
    For exactly how long do you think this girl was at-bat?

    Thanatos on
  • The SnertThe Snert Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Thanks for the responces guys.
    First, I've thought about moving back to Miami. I haven't yet, because alot of my good friends are also trying to move away from there also, (taking new jobs, girlfriends, fiances, etc) My family would still be there, however. The main reason I'm hesitant is my job. I was doing shitty helpdesk stuff back home, but here I'm a data security analyst for a large payment processing company with room for growth. I did move to Philly for the girl, but also for the job.
    Second, I didn't mention it in my OP, but I'm already at "second strike" with her. She made this mistake before 3 years ago when we were long distance, and I forgave her, after she promised and convinced me it would be 'the last time', especially since her reasons at the time were lonliness, being apart, lack of intimacy, etc. I understood that. I've been trying to work through why it happened again, and she still hasn't given me any clear answer. Its hurting me alot, thoughts of "not being good enough", "what does he have over me, et" My self esteem is suffering greatly, and this whole ordeal is eroding my confidence to not only meet new women, but also just go out and meet new people in general.

    The Snert on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    The Snert wrote: »
    Thanks for the responces guys.
    First, I've thought about moving back to Miami. I haven't yet, because alot of my good friends are also trying to move away from there also, (taking new jobs, girlfriends, fiances, etc) My family would still be there, however. The main reason I'm hesitant is my job. I was doing shitty helpdesk stuff back home, but here I'm a data security analyst for a large payment processing company with room for growth. I did move to Philly for the girl, but also for the job.
    Second, I didn't mention it in my OP, but I'm already at "second strike" with her. She made this mistake before 3 years ago when we were long distance, and I forgave her, after she promised and convinced me it would be 'the last time', especially since her reasons at the time were lonliness, being apart, lack of intimacy, etc. I understood that. I've been trying to work through why it happened again, and she still hasn't given me any clear answer. Its hurting me alot, thoughts of "not being good enough", "what does he have over me, et" My self esteem is suffering greatly, and this whole ordeal is eroding my confidence to not only meet new women, but also just go out and meet new people in general.
    If this is the second time it's happened, and you go back to her, that's gone from being "forgiving" to being a doormat. You don't want to be a doormat, because you're better than that, and you can do way better than her.

    Though, right now, you should probably get tested for STDs, just to make sure she didn't give you anything from any of the people she may have slept with while you were going out.

    Thanatos on
  • The SnertThe Snert Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Thanatos wrote: »
    Daenris wrote: »
    Well personally I'd try to talk to her about it and deal with it. Sure, you're allowed to be pissed, but operating under a "one strike and your out" rule seems a bit harsh. I'm more of a two-strikes kind of person.
    I asked her for how long, and she said for several months.
    For exactly how long do you think this girl was at-bat?


    Well I think I met him around July last year, and she says that's around the time they started doing shit. So yeah, she's been swinging his bat and playing ball for a long time, and I'm just fucking pissed.

    The Snert on
  • The SnertThe Snert Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Thanatos wrote: »
    The Snert wrote: »
    Thanks for the responces guys.
    First, I've thought about moving back to Miami. I haven't yet, because alot of my good friends are also trying to move away from there also, (taking new jobs, girlfriends, fiances, etc) My family would still be there, however. The main reason I'm hesitant is my job. I was doing shitty helpdesk stuff back home, but here I'm a data security analyst for a large payment processing company with room for growth. I did move to Philly for the girl, but also for the job.
    Second, I didn't mention it in my OP, but I'm already at "second strike" with her. She made this mistake before 3 years ago when we were long distance, and I forgave her, after she promised and convinced me it would be 'the last time', especially since her reasons at the time were lonliness, being apart, lack of intimacy, etc. I understood that. I've been trying to work through why it happened again, and she still hasn't given me any clear answer. Its hurting me alot, thoughts of "not being good enough", "what does he have over me, et" My self esteem is suffering greatly, and this whole ordeal is eroding my confidence to not only meet new women, but also just go out and meet new people in general.
    If this is the second time it's happened, and you go back to her, that's gone from being "forgiving" to being a doormat. You don't want to be a doormat, because you're better than that, and you can do way better than her.

    Though, right now, you should probably get tested for STDs, just to make sure she didn't give you anything from any of the people she may have slept with while you were going out.


    I'm not. Believe, I am not. Im not going to be one of those guys. As much as I loved her (and still do.. god why do I still..) I know that this relationship is tanked, and utterly fucked. You did bring up something I didn't consider. I should get tested, I didn't even think of that. I just want so badly to get over her, knowing she's happy with this guy, that she's not suffering emotionally like I am.

    The Snert on
  • DaenrisDaenris Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    The Snert wrote: »
    Thanks for the responces guys.
    Second, I didn't mention it in my OP, but I'm already at "second strike" with her. She made this mistake before 3 years ago when we were long distance, and I forgave her, after she promised and convinced me it would be 'the last time', especially since her reasons at the time were lonliness, being apart, lack of intimacy, etc.

    Well then that's a completely different matter, and it should be over, yeah.

    Since you have a good job the option really just comes down to what's been suggested. Finding activities to get out and meet new people, making an effort to hang out with coworkers if possible, convincing your friends that are moving out of Miami how great Pennsylvania winters can be :)

    Daenris on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    The Snert wrote: »
    I'm not. Believe, I am not. Im not going to be one of those guys. As much as I loved her (and still do.. god why do I still..) I know that this relationship is tanked, and utterly fucked. You did bring up something I didn't consider. I should get tested, I didn't even think of that. I just want so badly to get over her, knowing she's happy with this guy, that she's not suffering emotionally like I am.
    If it's any consolation, she'll probably quickly become bored with the current guy now that she's not cheating on you with him, and cheat on him.

    Thanatos on
  • CrashtardCrashtard Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Thanatos wrote: »
    If it's any consolation, she'll probably quickly become bored with the current guy now that she's not cheating on you with him, and cheat on him.

    Yeah. While it doesn't apply 100% of the time, "one a cheat always a cheat" is a pretty fair rule.

    Crashtard on
    I pinky swear that we will not screw you.

    Crashtard.jpg
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    It's not surprising that you still have feelings for her -- i mean, you still like her, you just realize that she cares not at all about your feelings or anything. Shit, she can live 2 blocks down from her boyfriend, yet still has sex with another guy? What the hell?

    I'd suggest cutting her off entirely, and look into some local activities. Maybe talk to some people at work that you kinda-sorta know, or do something different. Don't sit at home, alone, even if you occupy your time with video games or other things. Get out of the house and try to live it up a bit.

    But don't beat yourself up over it; the problem is with her, not you. Maybe there's something about you that she didn't really like, but it sounds more like she just likes the thrill of cheating. She did it before, when you were long distance, but even when you're very close by she still did it. Complete disregard for how you would feel; I mean, it's astonishing how people can do that without thinking "huh, I wonder what the consequences of this will be." It's like just stacking dishes in the kitchen after eating, and never washing them; just stacking them higher and higher. It gets disgusting and eventually it all comes crashing down, and the idiot who did it just sits there crying all "why me."

    I don't think anything good can come of talking it out with her; she'll come up with excuses, you'll feel like shit, and at the end of the day she still slept with a guy for months. But try to get your mind off of her by looking into social things; there's a lot in most any city for your average introvert.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    The Snert wrote: »
    Thanks for the responces guys.
    First, I've thought about moving back to Miami. I haven't yet, because alot of my good friends are also trying to move away from there also, (taking new jobs, girlfriends, fiances, etc) My family would still be there, however. The main reason I'm hesitant is my job. I was doing shitty helpdesk stuff back home, but here I'm a data security analyst for a large payment processing company with room for growth. I did move to Philly for the girl, but also for the job.
    Second, I didn't mention it in my OP, but I'm already at "second strike" with her. She made this mistake before 3 years ago when we were long distance, and I forgave her, after she promised and convinced me it would be 'the last time', especially since her reasons at the time were lonliness, being apart, lack of intimacy, etc. I understood that. I've been trying to work through why it happened again, and she still hasn't given me any clear answer. Its hurting me alot, thoughts of "not being good enough", "what does he have over me, et" My self esteem is suffering greatly, and this whole ordeal is eroding my confidence to not only meet new women, but also just go out and meet new people in general.

    Ah... my friend, as much as it hurts to hear it, this girl's no good. If she was genuinely interested in the relationship, she wouldn't have cheated... twice...

    You CAN find yourself a good woman. They exist, they are out there. Do what you can to put distance between yourself and her, and try to move on from it. As hard as it is, sometimes you have to know when to fold 'em. Fold on this one before you lose any more to the pot... and ante into a new hand.

    VThornheart on
    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • LewieP's MummyLewieP's Mummy Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Crashtard wrote: »
    Yeah. While it doesn't apply 100% of the time, "one a cheat always a cheat" is a pretty fair rule.
    I hate it when people cheat. There's no good reason. Either you dump one person before you start a new relationship, or you're being abusive, disrespectful, unloving, soul eating. So, she can "justify" why she did when you were far apart, but its not a valid justification - no doubt you felt lonely, missed her etc. but didn't cheat, so why should she have?

    LewieP's Mummy on
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  • RubickRubick Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    You will get over her, it'll just take time. I was faced with a similar situation back in December - moved up to MN for a boy and after 2+ years it didn't work out. I wound up moving to Dallas to live with my brother, but mainly because my job let me transfer. If you like the city you're in and the job you have, and you don't think going back home would work out long-term, stick it out in Philly. Be social, go out as much as you can, and keep yourself busy. It's what I did and I'm doing great now, after spending a couple of months dealing with the break-up.

    Rubick on
  • LewieP's MummyLewieP's Mummy Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Whoops, hadn't finished, hit the wrong button.

    Its hard for you now, but you will get over it, you will meet someone who is trustworthy, who deserves your love. Of course you still love her, you've been with her for 5 years. It will pass, you will feel better than you do now.

    There are good women out there, you will find someone who deserves you, she clearly doesn't. I'm sad this has happened to you, but know you can get through it. You've had some good advice in the other posts, stick with it.

    LewieP's Mummy on
    For all the top UK Gaming Bargains, check out SavyGamer

    For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints

    "The power of the weirdness compels me."
  • The SnertThe Snert Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Thanks again for all the replies. I think I'll listen to everyone's advice and just make a clean break. I've spent the better of two weeks trying to get closure from her, but in the end, you all are right, she'll just make excuses and I'll feel like shit, which I am feeling like right now. As much as I think I want to hear the why of it all, it'll just hurt me and the answer doesn't matter. It happened. I think I knew all this too, it's just.. I guess I needed someone to tell me. Thanks everyone. I guess it's time to start over.

    The Snert on
  • VThornheartVThornheart Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    The Snert wrote: »
    Thanks again for all the replies. I think I'll listen to everyone's advice and just make a clean break. I've spent the better of two weeks trying to get closure from her, but in the end, you all are right, she'll just make excuses and I'll feel like shit, which I am feeling like right now. As much as I think I want to hear the why of it all, it'll just hurt me and the answer doesn't matter. It happened. I think I knew all this too, it's just.. I guess I needed someone to tell me. Thanks everyone. I guess it's time to start over.

    No problem, we're all glad we could be here to help. You can do it, and you have our support.

    VThornheart on
    3DS Friend Code: 1950-8938-9095
  • CrashtardCrashtard Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    The Snert wrote: »
    Thanks again for all the replies. I think I'll listen to everyone's advice and just make a clean break. I've spent the better of two weeks trying to get closure from her, but in the end, you all are right, she'll just make excuses and I'll feel like shit, which I am feeling like right now. As much as I think I want to hear the why of it all, it'll just hurt me and the answer doesn't matter. It happened. I think I knew all this too, it's just.. I guess I needed someone to tell me. Thanks everyone. I guess it's time to start over.

    That's probably the most unfair thing about being cheated on: the cheater moves on with the other person, and the cheated is the one that feels shitty.

    @Lewis; I agree completely. I've never understood the cheating thing either. If you're unhappy with someone, just break it off. Why make a shitty situation that much worse?

    Crashtard on
    I pinky swear that we will not screw you.

    Crashtard.jpg
  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Crashtard wrote: »
    @Lewis; I agree completely. I've never understood the cheating thing either. If you're unhappy with someone, just break it off. Why make a shitty situation that much worse?

    Why settle for having one, when you can have one and another on the side?

    I'm not saying it's right, I don't cheat on girlfriends (even when presented with opportunity, but that's another thread) and I find doing so to be despicable, but I can understand some of the trains of thought that would go through a person's mind along the way.

    It's "What mommy/daddy doesn't know won't hurt me", but on a grander scale.

    Forar on
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  • ÆthelredÆthelred Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Philadelphia's large enough for you not to bump into her ever; I can't see any reason for you to move away and quit your job over this. Her living 2 blocks away shouldn't cause you that much pain, right?

    Æthelred on
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  • X3x3nonX3x3non Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Think about the experiences you have made. You have learned a lot about relationship stuff and have become a wiser man from it. When ever bad things happen to me I always think "Well, at least now I have made that experience and it will make me stronger in the future."

    X3x3non on
  • TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    She's 23, almost 24, and you two were together for 5 years? So she was 18 when you got together and you were 21. Understand, then, that as shitty as it was for her to cheat on you, very few relationships are going to survive the double-whammy of long-distance and the changes people go through in college and afterwards. When you got together, she was barely out of high school, and you were already an adult of legal drinking age. Now she's a young adult (if rather a selfish one) and you're in your mid-twenties with a career.

    She's not the same person she was when you started dating, and neither are you. It's a shame she was selfish and immature enough not to end it properly before hooking up with someone else, but it may help if you think of it as the relationship coming to a natural close, leaving you free to move on with your life.

    Trowizilla on
  • mooshoeporkmooshoepork Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    edit: failure. never mind

    mooshoepork on
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