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Girl over thread.
The Snert
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Sorry, this is going to be long.
So this is my first girl thread, although its more about getting over said girl, rather then trying to win one. I just ended a 5 year long distance relationship. I'm 26, she's 23, almost 24. We dated all throughout college, were very much in love, I thought she was 'the one'. This wasn't my first serious relationship by any means, but it was hers. Our relationship was rocky as what you would expect from being distance (me-miami, her-nyc) but we stuck it out, dealt with the good and the bad as it came, and had clear goals about fixing the distance problem. And we did. We both ended up in Philly, where I've been living for almost a year now with her.
The reason why we've broken up is because she cheated on me. She's known this guy for almost two years, they became friends doing volunteer/event planning stuff together. At the time, she said they were just friends, but that he had a crush on her, but she didn't feel the same way, that she loved me, but nothing was there. I first met the guy maybe 6 months ago. It was odd. Me and her made plans on the phone to make dinner at her place. (we don't live together, but she's literally like 2 blocks away on the same street, I suppose I should be thankful for this now) So I walk over and let myself in, and he's there in her room. And I'm like "oh.. uhmm i thought we were going to make dinner, i didn't know you had a friend over" and she's like "oh yeah this is X, we were just hanging out, and he's leaving soon". I had no reason to suspect anything, but that just felt.. weird. They weren't like undressed or anything like that, but the whole thing just had this feeling of wrongness. I just put it out of my mind.
Anyway, two weeks ago she later admitted to her cheating with the same guy when we were going to have sex. She just.. blurted it out, and cried, and said she fucked up, etc. I asked her for how long, and she said for several months. I flipped out, asked how she could do this to me, left, cried alone in my room for days.
I'm at a loss as to what to do, I'm very lonely, because I left behind my friends and family to make this relationship work and I just feel so hurt and betrayed that it ended up like this, after everything I did for her to make this work. Its hard, cuz I cant just call up my buddies to hang out, drink beer and shoot the shit. I'm kind of introverted and didn't make any new friends up here while I was with her.
tl:dr Long distance relationship for 5 years, finally moved together. Bitch cheated on me, and I'm left flapping in the wind.
So this is my first girl thread, although its more about getting over said girl, rather then trying to win one. I just ended a 5 year long distance relationship. I'm 26, she's 23, almost 24. We dated all throughout college, were very much in love, I thought she was 'the one'. This wasn't my first serious relationship by any means, but it was hers. Our relationship was rocky as what you would expect from being distance (me-miami, her-nyc) but we stuck it out, dealt with the good and the bad as it came, and had clear goals about fixing the distance problem. And we did. We both ended up in Philly, where I've been living for almost a year now with her.
The reason why we've broken up is because she cheated on me. She's known this guy for almost two years, they became friends doing volunteer/event planning stuff together. At the time, she said they were just friends, but that he had a crush on her, but she didn't feel the same way, that she loved me, but nothing was there. I first met the guy maybe 6 months ago. It was odd. Me and her made plans on the phone to make dinner at her place. (we don't live together, but she's literally like 2 blocks away on the same street, I suppose I should be thankful for this now) So I walk over and let myself in, and he's there in her room. And I'm like "oh.. uhmm i thought we were going to make dinner, i didn't know you had a friend over" and she's like "oh yeah this is X, we were just hanging out, and he's leaving soon". I had no reason to suspect anything, but that just felt.. weird. They weren't like undressed or anything like that, but the whole thing just had this feeling of wrongness. I just put it out of my mind.
Anyway, two weeks ago she later admitted to her cheating with the same guy when we were going to have sex. She just.. blurted it out, and cried, and said she fucked up, etc. I asked her for how long, and she said for several months. I flipped out, asked how she could do this to me, left, cried alone in my room for days.
I'm at a loss as to what to do, I'm very lonely, because I left behind my friends and family to make this relationship work and I just feel so hurt and betrayed that it ended up like this, after everything I did for her to make this work. Its hard, cuz I cant just call up my buddies to hang out, drink beer and shoot the shit. I'm kind of introverted and didn't make any new friends up here while I was with her.
tl:dr Long distance relationship for 5 years, finally moved together. Bitch cheated on me, and I'm left flapping in the wind.
The Snert on
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If you're really just giving up and done with it, then you pretty much just have to deal. Obviously it's hard living somewhere without any nearby friends for support. Is it at all a possibility to move back closer to your friends? Alternatively, you'll need to make an effort to be more outgoing and try to meet some people to hang out with or hang out with coworkers or something. Sitting at home alone and wallowing in your despair is just going to make you feel worse, so you need to get out and about.
With no established base of friends in the city, you're going to have to put in a fair bit of effort towards building new relationships. I can understand if that's the last thing you want to do right now, but once you've taken those steps out the door, you'll start feeling better right away.
First, I've thought about moving back to Miami. I haven't yet, because alot of my good friends are also trying to move away from there also, (taking new jobs, girlfriends, fiances, etc) My family would still be there, however. The main reason I'm hesitant is my job. I was doing shitty helpdesk stuff back home, but here I'm a data security analyst for a large payment processing company with room for growth. I did move to Philly for the girl, but also for the job.
Second, I didn't mention it in my OP, but I'm already at "second strike" with her. She made this mistake before 3 years ago when we were long distance, and I forgave her, after she promised and convinced me it would be 'the last time', especially since her reasons at the time were lonliness, being apart, lack of intimacy, etc. I understood that. I've been trying to work through why it happened again, and she still hasn't given me any clear answer. Its hurting me alot, thoughts of "not being good enough", "what does he have over me, et" My self esteem is suffering greatly, and this whole ordeal is eroding my confidence to not only meet new women, but also just go out and meet new people in general.
Though, right now, you should probably get tested for STDs, just to make sure she didn't give you anything from any of the people she may have slept with while you were going out.
Well I think I met him around July last year, and she says that's around the time they started doing shit. So yeah, she's been swinging his bat and playing ball for a long time, and I'm just fucking pissed.
I'm not. Believe, I am not. Im not going to be one of those guys. As much as I loved her (and still do.. god why do I still..) I know that this relationship is tanked, and utterly fucked. You did bring up something I didn't consider. I should get tested, I didn't even think of that. I just want so badly to get over her, knowing she's happy with this guy, that she's not suffering emotionally like I am.
Well then that's a completely different matter, and it should be over, yeah.
Since you have a good job the option really just comes down to what's been suggested. Finding activities to get out and meet new people, making an effort to hang out with coworkers if possible, convincing your friends that are moving out of Miami how great Pennsylvania winters can be
Yeah. While it doesn't apply 100% of the time, "one a cheat always a cheat" is a pretty fair rule.
I'd suggest cutting her off entirely, and look into some local activities. Maybe talk to some people at work that you kinda-sorta know, or do something different. Don't sit at home, alone, even if you occupy your time with video games or other things. Get out of the house and try to live it up a bit.
But don't beat yourself up over it; the problem is with her, not you. Maybe there's something about you that she didn't really like, but it sounds more like she just likes the thrill of cheating. She did it before, when you were long distance, but even when you're very close by she still did it. Complete disregard for how you would feel; I mean, it's astonishing how people can do that without thinking "huh, I wonder what the consequences of this will be." It's like just stacking dishes in the kitchen after eating, and never washing them; just stacking them higher and higher. It gets disgusting and eventually it all comes crashing down, and the idiot who did it just sits there crying all "why me."
I don't think anything good can come of talking it out with her; she'll come up with excuses, you'll feel like shit, and at the end of the day she still slept with a guy for months. But try to get your mind off of her by looking into social things; there's a lot in most any city for your average introvert.
Ah... my friend, as much as it hurts to hear it, this girl's no good. If she was genuinely interested in the relationship, she wouldn't have cheated... twice...
You CAN find yourself a good woman. They exist, they are out there. Do what you can to put distance between yourself and her, and try to move on from it. As hard as it is, sometimes you have to know when to fold 'em. Fold on this one before you lose any more to the pot... and ante into a new hand.
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
Its hard for you now, but you will get over it, you will meet someone who is trustworthy, who deserves your love. Of course you still love her, you've been with her for 5 years. It will pass, you will feel better than you do now.
There are good women out there, you will find someone who deserves you, she clearly doesn't. I'm sad this has happened to you, but know you can get through it. You've had some good advice in the other posts, stick with it.
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
No problem, we're all glad we could be here to help. You can do it, and you have our support.
That's probably the most unfair thing about being cheated on: the cheater moves on with the other person, and the cheated is the one that feels shitty.
@Lewis; I agree completely. I've never understood the cheating thing either. If you're unhappy with someone, just break it off. Why make a shitty situation that much worse?
Why settle for having one, when you can have one and another on the side?
I'm not saying it's right, I don't cheat on girlfriends (even when presented with opportunity, but that's another thread) and I find doing so to be despicable, but I can understand some of the trains of thought that would go through a person's mind along the way.
It's "What mommy/daddy doesn't know won't hurt me", but on a grander scale.
She's not the same person she was when you started dating, and neither are you. It's a shame she was selfish and immature enough not to end it properly before hooking up with someone else, but it may help if you think of it as the relationship coming to a natural close, leaving you free to move on with your life.