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DirtyDirtyVagrant
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey. I'm really not sure what I can say that will properly introduce this, so I'm just going to dive into the thick of it.
For the longest time I haven't quite felt right. Like something was very wrong with me or perhaps some detail of my life was askew. I remember that when I was younger, I would secretly play with dolls whenever I could and at night when no one was around I would fantasize for hours about what it would be like to be a little girl. I've read a lot of things about this, about sexuality and gender identity, and honestly my mind is just about wrecked.
I look at men and I'm attracted to them as a woman (possibly as a man). I look at women and I'm attracted to them as a man. (or possibly a woman) And to be perfectly honest, I just have no idea what I should be doing. My family is extremely conservative, and I'm pretty afraid to talk to them about it. My grandma's from Arkansas and she's religious. Ann Coulter is my stepmom's hero, Sean Hannity my dad's. They watch fox news.
The short end of it is that I might be gay or bisexual or something entirely different and I'm not sure what I want, who I could talk to, why this is happening, how I could be happy, or you know, to hell with it, I'm just not sure about anything right now.
For the longest time I haven't quite felt right. Like something was very wrong with me or perhaps some detail of my life was askew. I remember that when I was younger, I would secretly play with dolls whenever I could and at night when no one was around I would fantasize for hours about what it would be like to be a little girl. I've read a lot of things about this, about sexuality and gender identity, and honestly my mind is just about wrecked.
I look at men and I'm attracted to them as a woman (possibly as a man). I look at women and I'm attracted to them as a man. (or possibly a woman) And to be perfectly honest, I just have no idea what I should be doing. My family is extremely conservative, and I'm pretty afraid to talk to them about it. My grandma's from Arkansas and she's religious. Ann Coulter is my stepmom's hero, Sean Hannity my dad's. They watch fox news.
The short end of it is that I might be gay or bisexual or something entirely different and I'm not sure what I want, who I could talk to, why this is happening, how I could be happy, or you know, to hell with it, I'm just not sure about anything right now.
DirtyDirtyVagrant on
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Do you have any friends that would be a little more open-minded about your situation that you could talk to? You're 21, so you ought to have some outside friends from work or school that might be able to help you out.
If it turns out that you are gay or bisexual or just have some gender issues, just roll with it. As much as Religious/Conservative America would like you to believe that if you aren't a herterosexual you've got the Devil in you, the bottom line is there is nothing to be ashamed of. I've known a few people who have been in the same spot, and have been more than a little confused, but they've felt like something was "wrong" with them, when in reality something wasn't wrong it was just different. Make sure that you understand that first and formost.
Steam / Bus Blog / Goozex Referral
I know most colleges have GLBT resources, if you're in school. And i've seen this website mentioned before - http://www.pflag.org/.
Good luck dude.
One of my biggest fantasies is that sometime in my life medical technology will allow me to live as the woman I've always wanted to be. Edit: And I'm not talking about having a surgery and taking hormones. It's too late for that. I'd be the ugliest woman that ever lived. I'm talking about something akin to full body prosthesis. Or you know, a neural-impacting simulation program. (ala the matrix)
*Sigh* That looks so fucked up now that I'm reading it.
Is that what you'd call "Gender issues?"
1) probably. But i'm a str8 dude. I have no clue.
2) BEHOLD! THE FUTURE IS NOW! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_reassignment_surgery
3) no clue. I will bet $ that there are GLBT-friendly councilors you can talk with in your area.
It's perfectly okay to have gender issues... and though it's hard, and I imagine it will be very hard for you given the family situation... it's the act of trying to resist those issues that usually cause people the most grief.
Definitely try to find a support group in your area, and gain confidence through them before confronting the folks.
Sexual fantasy or regular fantasy? Does being a woman turn you on or is that just something you'd like to be as a whole?
The being a woman thing and the being attracted to both men and women are two separate "issues." Maybe you're bi, maybe you're straight-curious, maybe you're gay. Who knows, that's easy to figure out over time.
The fantasizing about being a woman is another totally separate issue. Gay men don't fantasize about being women (usually). It could be a variety of issues.
I'm 6'4. I'm a hairy scottsman. I've already gone through puberty as a male. I'm larger in build than most men. Sex reassignment is out of the question.
Edit:
Regular fantasy. Well, kind of both in a way. But the fantasy itself is not sexual at all. It's just something I want to be.
Whatever you do though, don't let anybody tell you something is wrong with you. It's quite the opposite actually, people who think that have something wrong with them.
Do you know anybody who is gay/bi? Find groups or bars where you can just be yourself and have social interaction without worrying about fitting in or what people think of you.
I wish you the best of luck though. It can't be easy dealing with this (especially with a family that will never understand).
I really didn't expect the kind of response I got. Private messages, nothing but words of encouragement. Thank you all so much.
So I figured out what I need to figure out. Somehow, though, it made its way down the grape vine. My parents found out from some unknown source. And while not overtly hostile, they have become very coldly distant.
At the same time, as if by some cruel joke, my aunt (whom I was living with) told me to get the hell out of her house for some reason, leaving me entirely homeless. I live in a rural area, about 15-20 miles away from a city of 100,000 or so, but I dont really have any transport.
For the last few weeks I've been trying to get a job in this city, but for one reason or another it just hasn't been happening. My dad was helping me out by taking me into town for interviews, career fairs, and to apply, but it's not going to happen anymore.
My question is: Homeless shelter or no? And if not, then what? If I'm going to go to a shelter, It'll allow me to be a lot more dilligent in my job search, because I'll be right in there. At least that's my estimation. I'm told that I have no idea what I'm in for, but I can't see how I have any other choice.
Edit: Also, dude... that really sucks, I hope it works out somehow.
http://www.couchsurfing.com/
It's not meant to be long term, but if there were enough people and you could just stay a night or two per house . . . Just a random idea. I hope everything works out for you.
I'm not sure that's really feasible. It's a nice thought, but I dont think it's something I could or should use. It seems to be some kind of...happiness/community activism? Something along those lines? Plus I dont wanna piss off someone in some town where I don't know anyone. I'd be really fucked, then.
I know people are saying don't tell your parents, but i dunno if i agree with that. It's a decision you have to make. My friend is gay and didn't tell his father for a long time for fear of physical abuse. But he finally did, and though his dad isn't jumping for joy about it, he still loves his son. I have a co worker whose parents are ULTRA religious and he just finally came out to them, and things were akward..they still think it's a phase he'll go through, but they know.
There are endless resources on-line and phone numbers you can call. People who have very specific experience with this who can guide you better than us here, but it's good that you have a place even if it's these message boards where people won't judge you and you can feel ok about who you are.
Its gotta be rough for you and that sucks but i think you'll figure stuff out and be ok. Lets us know and i'm sure everyone here will be more than happy to listen if you have to talk.
Good luck!