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Confused.
dmarco
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Hello H/A. I'm a male in grade 12, living in Virginia.
Some months ago I visited a psychiatrist. I did not reveal all of my problems, because I did not feel at ease doing so. Regardless, I was diagnosed with social anxiety and prescribed fluoxetine. However, my parents were unwilling to fill the prescription. I was cautious of taking the medicine myself having considered the side effects and a personal discomfort with the idea of "rewiring" my brain chemistry.
Which may sound hypocritical when one considers the fact I drink daily. I'm also an occasional smoker. I will have a cigarette once daily, sometimes more or less. However, I am comfortable with these excursions because once the buzz wears off, I am still very much the same person I have always been. The effects are temporary - and I return to my world of shit. These are the only activities I can enjoy now. I will not stop smoking, partially because the cigarettes relieve my stress, but also because I take pleasure in the fact they can shorten my lifespan a good deal.
I haven't had a good childhood. Good is subjective but I'll explain. I moved from a place I had many friends to an area I had none. I was harassed and became highly seclusive, spending the vast majority of my time alone indoors. From the age fourteen until very recently, I had constant suicidal ideation. I became obsessed with suicide and would spend hours every day studying the subject. I developed a painful skin condition, which requires ever increasing doses of diphenhydramine to control for even a few hours. I now believe it is unlikely I will ever recover.
My current state. When I am in class, I become extremely self conscious. If there are people physically located behind me, I become very uncomfortable and I worry they are analyzing my every move and criticizing me. This makes me shake nervously, and when I attempt to write, the muscles in my arm become incredibly tense and I drop the writing utensil. This happens before I can finish writing a single word.
I am not suicidal anymore, but I experience this very strange feeling of dissociation periodically. It's not something you can understand without feeling this sensation yourself. It is as if the entire world becomes unreal because the bizarreness and imperfection of the universe prevents reality from being possible. If that is at all coherent. This can be simultaneously extremely frightening and relieving. I've found myself rubbing my arms and the desk to prove they are in fact there and real, and not a figment of my imagination.
Both of my parents work all day, despite they are in old age. My father's work is physical labor and he has developed very painful back problems. I feel sick to the stomach seeing him deal with his pain day in and day out with no end in sight. I'm in a constant state of sleep deprivation, never having adjusted to rising 5.30AM in the cold night to commute to my over capacity school. I've never had a girlfriend and the possibility seems so far fetched it is laughable.
I have no plans for my future. I've become increasingly paranoid and developed an intense distrust for people. When I see an inhabited car park behind me... a thousand possibilities race through my head, as to why this person is behind me and not going on their business. I have a bleak outlook for the world, and basically I have absolutely no solid vision at all for my future.
Some months ago I visited a psychiatrist. I did not reveal all of my problems, because I did not feel at ease doing so. Regardless, I was diagnosed with social anxiety and prescribed fluoxetine. However, my parents were unwilling to fill the prescription. I was cautious of taking the medicine myself having considered the side effects and a personal discomfort with the idea of "rewiring" my brain chemistry.
Which may sound hypocritical when one considers the fact I drink daily. I'm also an occasional smoker. I will have a cigarette once daily, sometimes more or less. However, I am comfortable with these excursions because once the buzz wears off, I am still very much the same person I have always been. The effects are temporary - and I return to my world of shit. These are the only activities I can enjoy now. I will not stop smoking, partially because the cigarettes relieve my stress, but also because I take pleasure in the fact they can shorten my lifespan a good deal.
I haven't had a good childhood. Good is subjective but I'll explain. I moved from a place I had many friends to an area I had none. I was harassed and became highly seclusive, spending the vast majority of my time alone indoors. From the age fourteen until very recently, I had constant suicidal ideation. I became obsessed with suicide and would spend hours every day studying the subject. I developed a painful skin condition, which requires ever increasing doses of diphenhydramine to control for even a few hours. I now believe it is unlikely I will ever recover.
My current state. When I am in class, I become extremely self conscious. If there are people physically located behind me, I become very uncomfortable and I worry they are analyzing my every move and criticizing me. This makes me shake nervously, and when I attempt to write, the muscles in my arm become incredibly tense and I drop the writing utensil. This happens before I can finish writing a single word.
I am not suicidal anymore, but I experience this very strange feeling of dissociation periodically. It's not something you can understand without feeling this sensation yourself. It is as if the entire world becomes unreal because the bizarreness and imperfection of the universe prevents reality from being possible. If that is at all coherent. This can be simultaneously extremely frightening and relieving. I've found myself rubbing my arms and the desk to prove they are in fact there and real, and not a figment of my imagination.
Both of my parents work all day, despite they are in old age. My father's work is physical labor and he has developed very painful back problems. I feel sick to the stomach seeing him deal with his pain day in and day out with no end in sight. I'm in a constant state of sleep deprivation, never having adjusted to rising 5.30AM in the cold night to commute to my over capacity school. I've never had a girlfriend and the possibility seems so far fetched it is laughable.
I have no plans for my future. I've become increasingly paranoid and developed an intense distrust for people. When I see an inhabited car park behind me... a thousand possibilities race through my head, as to why this person is behind me and not going on their business. I have a bleak outlook for the world, and basically I have absolutely no solid vision at all for my future.
dmarco on
0
Posts
Maybe try taking the medication?
If I were in the same state you're in - depressed, paranoid, and using cigarettes and alcohol as a crutch - I'd at least try the one thing that's been expected to make me better.
First, I know (slightly) what you're going through. Some of it I've experienced, some of it I haven't. Regardless, I've come to learn a few things:
First, sometimes we have to make tough choices to get better and sometimes we have to bend a little. I think most people would rather learn to cope with their mental disorders than alter their brain chemistry. That's natural, and it's natural to be apprehensive about stuff like Xanax, Prozac, Zoloft, etc. But, sometimes it really is a choice between two evils and we must choose the lesser of them: succumb to anxiety and depression or do something we don't necessarily want to do so we can cope. I'm not assuming what is right for you here but this is what you've communicated: you shared only a portion of your problems with a doctor, your doctor prescribed you medication based on that incomplete picture and I'm assuming the complete picture would either lead him/her to the same conclusion or even a more urgent one, and your problems are persistent...or chronic, if that can apply to a mental condition. If you're feeling suicidal, you should do what you can to stop feeling suicidal. And even if you don't feel that way anymore, you don't want to leave yourself defenseless for the future if the feelings come back.
Second, perhaps a second opinion with a different psychiatrist would make you feel more confident in making the decision to use medication. There's no reason you can't see another one.
Third, and last, you mentioned that your parents were "unwilling" to fill your prescription. You say this almost as a throwaway but the way you say this makes me believe that they are heavily influencing your decision and/or that you wouldn't be questioning it/would have taken it had they obliged. I don't really know how to get around this other than getting a job with medical benefits which may be difficult at 17/18 but if this really is a permanent roadblock to you getting the prescription filled (i.e. if you cannot convince your parents), then I would recommend telling your psychiatrist that they refuse. I don't know if it's abusive in the legal sense, but I consider it abusive to deny your child medication that could potentially prevent him or her from killing him or herself.
Anyway, you clearly have a problem and most likely a mental disorder. You seem to recognize it yourself anyway. We all have difference capacities and potentials to cope with our own troubles and this capacity sometimes ebbs and flows as life pitches curveballs as us so I cannot really tell you what you should do but it seems to me that you need to do something other than sit and think about your problems.
The first part is good advice. You sought the help of someone who knows what they're doing. Take the advice.
The second part is not so good advice. It's generally a bad idea to simply stop taking any sort of psychoactive medication. If there's a problem with the medication, if the side effects are too troubling or the medicine isn't effective, contact the psychiatrist who prescribed it and let him/her know.
Don't mean to jump on you, Alpine, but weaning someone off medication can be a tricky process.
Dmarco, it sounds like you need help. You're 12 and already self-medicating with alcohol, undergoing significant family stress, and experiencing symptoms which resemble depression, anxiety, and paranoia, as well as the disassociation from reality which you described. You're describing smoking as an intentional, albiet slow, form of suicide. This is NOT normal. There are people who can help, if you let them.
Life doesn't have to suck. At least not all the time.
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