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Two years since my last girl thread, am I due for another?
Romantic Undead
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey guys, what's up?
I'll try not to let this drag on too long.
I've been in a relationship with a girl for close to 2 years now. We started out very casually, enjoying each other's company sporadically and in secret, since we shared the same friends and didn't want to cause drama. We took a break in the spring of 2006 as we felt we were getting too attached and didn't want things to get too serious. Fast forward into the summer and we both realized we missed each other an awful lot so we got together again, this time vowing that it was the real deal and that we wouldn't keep it secret anymore.
A little background: We both hit 30 this year, so we're no longer spring chickens and she (let's call her Mel) has a daughter. During our relationship she had made it pretty clear that she was not interested in having children and though we were now "official", she still kept me at arms length. For a time, this didn't bother me, as I thought she was awesome and those facts didn't exactly feel pressing at the time. We didn't live together or anything, and saw each other typically twice a week.
However, shortly before the holidays, I came to the realization that my feelings for this woman had grown. I found myself considering a future with her and, when thinking about that, realized I wasn't sure I was cool with the possibility of never having an opportunity at a family of my own.
Giving myself the holidays to think about it (and also because I didn't want to complicate things over a time period when we had made a lot of plans together, including buying a joint gift for her daughter, etc...) I broached the topic in mid-January. The conversation went like this:
Me: "Mel, I've wanted to say this for a while but was afraid of what your reaction might be, but here it goes: I love you and want to know if you feel the same."
Her (pausing, tears welling up in her eyes, shakes her head): "I'm so sorry... but I don't."
I kindof expected this answer, but needed to ask the question anyways. We cried for a bit, and I told her my aspirations for family, and that, feeling the way I do, that I felt it was best if we stopped seeing each other. Heartbroken, yet strangely relieved, I walked out of her life.
Since then, Mel and I have made an effort to be civil to each other, since, as I mentioned, we had friends in common, but myself, still feeling heartsore, had avoided a few social gatherings in order to give myself time and to avoid drama with our friends. To be sure, our friends have been supportive and understanding of both of us, so there was never any threat of cattiness from either end.
Fast forward to this week and, specifically, last night. Mel has been trying to get in touch with me again, trying to talk things out and, according to her, "understanding what [I'm] going through". Not having the heart to simply block her out of my life, I humored her, telling her how I felt and why I felt our relationship needed to end.
Last night, she comes up on messenger, asking if I was busy. When I replied in the negative, she called me.
Over the phone, it was clear she was crying. She told me that she hadn't stopped thinking about me since I left her and that she'd thought about the things I'd said. She told me she had been a "shitty girlfriend", that I had been nothing but good to her, and that she had been in love with me for a long time but denied it to herself because of past bad experiences and fear of being hurt. She claims that when she saw how hurt I was that she knew I was sincere, but didn't know how to tell me at the time. She also added that she knows that it will be hard for me to trust her (since she said she didn't love me), but that she wants to spend the rest of her life (!) making it up to me, that she wants no one else in her life but me, and that she would be willing to give me anything, including a child of my own, if that's what I wanted.
Overwhelmed, I told her I needed to think about it and that I would get back to her this weekend.
I'm still reeling from all this, and that brings me here.
What say you, anonymous strangers? Am I crazy to be reconsidering my feelings? Can I trust this woman, or is this just the hysteric rantings of a desperate lonely mother? Can someone who once staunchly stated she would have no more children suddenly(if a month and a half can be called sudden) just change her mind?
I still love her, and miss her a whole lot, but I can't shake a certain feeling of guilt over "tricking" her into wanting what I want. Needless to say, I wish she had told me all this when I actually told her I loved her, not nearly 2 months later.
I'll try not to let this drag on too long.
I've been in a relationship with a girl for close to 2 years now. We started out very casually, enjoying each other's company sporadically and in secret, since we shared the same friends and didn't want to cause drama. We took a break in the spring of 2006 as we felt we were getting too attached and didn't want things to get too serious. Fast forward into the summer and we both realized we missed each other an awful lot so we got together again, this time vowing that it was the real deal and that we wouldn't keep it secret anymore.
A little background: We both hit 30 this year, so we're no longer spring chickens and she (let's call her Mel) has a daughter. During our relationship she had made it pretty clear that she was not interested in having children and though we were now "official", she still kept me at arms length. For a time, this didn't bother me, as I thought she was awesome and those facts didn't exactly feel pressing at the time. We didn't live together or anything, and saw each other typically twice a week.
However, shortly before the holidays, I came to the realization that my feelings for this woman had grown. I found myself considering a future with her and, when thinking about that, realized I wasn't sure I was cool with the possibility of never having an opportunity at a family of my own.
Giving myself the holidays to think about it (and also because I didn't want to complicate things over a time period when we had made a lot of plans together, including buying a joint gift for her daughter, etc...) I broached the topic in mid-January. The conversation went like this:
Me: "Mel, I've wanted to say this for a while but was afraid of what your reaction might be, but here it goes: I love you and want to know if you feel the same."
Her (pausing, tears welling up in her eyes, shakes her head): "I'm so sorry... but I don't."
I kindof expected this answer, but needed to ask the question anyways. We cried for a bit, and I told her my aspirations for family, and that, feeling the way I do, that I felt it was best if we stopped seeing each other. Heartbroken, yet strangely relieved, I walked out of her life.
Since then, Mel and I have made an effort to be civil to each other, since, as I mentioned, we had friends in common, but myself, still feeling heartsore, had avoided a few social gatherings in order to give myself time and to avoid drama with our friends. To be sure, our friends have been supportive and understanding of both of us, so there was never any threat of cattiness from either end.
Fast forward to this week and, specifically, last night. Mel has been trying to get in touch with me again, trying to talk things out and, according to her, "understanding what [I'm] going through". Not having the heart to simply block her out of my life, I humored her, telling her how I felt and why I felt our relationship needed to end.
Last night, she comes up on messenger, asking if I was busy. When I replied in the negative, she called me.
Over the phone, it was clear she was crying. She told me that she hadn't stopped thinking about me since I left her and that she'd thought about the things I'd said. She told me she had been a "shitty girlfriend", that I had been nothing but good to her, and that she had been in love with me for a long time but denied it to herself because of past bad experiences and fear of being hurt. She claims that when she saw how hurt I was that she knew I was sincere, but didn't know how to tell me at the time. She also added that she knows that it will be hard for me to trust her (since she said she didn't love me), but that she wants to spend the rest of her life (!) making it up to me, that she wants no one else in her life but me, and that she would be willing to give me anything, including a child of my own, if that's what I wanted.
Overwhelmed, I told her I needed to think about it and that I would get back to her this weekend.
I'm still reeling from all this, and that brings me here.
What say you, anonymous strangers? Am I crazy to be reconsidering my feelings? Can I trust this woman, or is this just the hysteric rantings of a desperate lonely mother? Can someone who once staunchly stated she would have no more children suddenly(if a month and a half can be called sudden) just change her mind?
I still love her, and miss her a whole lot, but I can't shake a certain feeling of guilt over "tricking" her into wanting what I want. Needless to say, I wish she had told me all this when I actually told her I loved her, not nearly 2 months later.
3DS FC: 1547-5210-6531
Romantic Undead on
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Consider the fact that you may only be in love with the person you think she is, or the person you want her to be.
I did realize this, which is why I broke things off, but now, it appears she's telling me she wants to become the person I want her to be, and this is the part that's freaking me out.
Best of luck.
Honestly it's impossible for me to really say, but this sounds a bit troubling. On the one hand, maybe she has deeply considered it and she does love you and wants to have a kid with you now. But, on the other hand -- and what I think might be the case -- she might be desperate to get you back (maybe she loves you, maybe she just misses you, who knows) and will do anything to do that. Maybe she even thinks that she could have a kid with you, but then if she has it she subconsciously resents you because she didn't want more kids. It's complicated.
The bottom line is that I think you need to talk to her about it more. You need to figure out if she really has changed and would be happy with you and having another kid, or if she just wants you back and doesn't really want another kid still.
She's a single mom, so she's probably very conflicted and vulnerable and just doesn't want to end up making the same mistake twice. You aren't marrying her (at least not yet), so I say give the relationship another try. But before you get married you two have to be sure whether or not you want kids. Do not under any circumstances believe that marrying someone will make them change their minds. You need to be sure before you get married.
"and that she would be willing to give me anything, including a child of my own, if that's what I wanted."
Children should be a mutual desire. Not something done to appease someone else. I'm not being nitpicky, I think its very important to read into the phrases people use and the words they choose. Unless she said:
"I want more children and I want to have them with you."
Then this is a poor idea. I think you should get some time away from this to move on and hopefully find someone that is just as special but shares your goal of having a family.
It sounds like she wants to want to have children with you. But she doesn't really want to have children. This has the potential for massive repercussions down the road, and cause for resentment.
Just be wary.
If there was a way to double lime that, I would. There is no truer statement than that. 95% of the time, that ends in divorce, and the kid that is made to appease one person all too often gets caught in the middle.
Don't do it. Just don't.
I am in agreement with this.
Worst case: You get back together, she gets pregnant. Things get worse and worse. Divorce with a child in the middle.
I think that it would be difficult to get to that point unless you rush into having kids. Hopefully you would both realize that things are going to work out before then.
Best case: You get back together, she starts treating you better and letting her "true feeling" manifest. You date for another year or whatever and you decide its time to have kids.
I think you would be able to tell what was gonna happen within the first couple months. I would go for it, give it my all while not allowing myself to get head over feet, and if all was well in a year or so I'd start talking about kids.
That said, you (OP) know the woman best. If you think she's sincere and you think things can work out, then go for it.
Honestly I don't even see why you have a question here, she cried when she tried to persuade herself she didn't love you when you said it. Thank your lucky stars that you've found someone who is mature enough to say they love you after thinking about it, and get back together with her. Go do it immediately.
Either way, you've got little to lose and a lot to gain in the short-term, so get back together, have fun, and wear a condom.
You owe it to yourself to at least try and make this work.
https://medium.com/@alascii
You're entering a very complicated scene here; you need some time to sort out what you want to be true from what is actually true, and your thoughts on life together from the experience of actually living together.
Kids are forever, you need to be damn, damn sure about it.
I have thought about what it would mean to spend my life with you. I know that it involves children. That is a small price to pay for your love. You may not think so, you may think it's a big deal. Well, ya, it is. But even though I have been adamantly against children ever since you met me, you have to know why. I mean really why. It's not just that they're a lot of work. I have a great fear that I will be left with the burden again, and at my age, I cannot do that again. When I broke up with (ex-boyfriend and father), I thought, even if I fall in love now, and get pregnant right away, I will be so old. And that in and of itself is ok, but I was so cynical when it came to love at that time. I didn't believe that I would be with anyone forever. But you have changed the way I view relationships. I know that you will try to work out our problems, and not leave me, or force me to leave you. So basically the point I'm trying to make is that I did want children up until I broke up with (dude). So it's not as big of a deal as you may think that I think it is. Because I know that we can have a great future together. I know that you will love our child immensely. And I know that you will see my need for space, and give me the opportunity to have it.
You may not trust my thoughts and feelings right now, but I do. And I know we can work through this. All we need is time and some help. I know I didn't treat you right when we were together. I treated you like someone I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with. Because I didn't want to, not because of you, but because it was so soon. But now "soon" doesn't matter when you've met the one. I don't want to be single anymore. I want what you have shown me. Things will be different. I can say that with confidence because I know one thing that you don't. You know that I have always been against romantic stuff. But that's because before one is in love, it seems like a way to buy someones' affection. However after the love has been declared, romance is an awesome way to show someone you care. So if we get back together again, I will be more romantic, and I will expect it from you as well. Crazy, huh? That's only the beginning.
Listen, in terms of children, no I don't want a lot, but 1 or 2 more is ok. And I will need some reassurances along the way. Sometimes I will be gladly talking about it. Other times I will be apprehensive. I'll look to you to share my joy, and comfort my fears.
I know that you said you'd get back to me on Saturday, and that is Ok. However even if you are going out Friday night, it's a holiday. I don't work and you don't go to school. If you can, I would like it if you could call me on Friday during the day. If not, then Saturday is OK too.
Listen to this song, ok? I can't wait to get started lovin' you...
The song was "All Night Long" by Erica Badu.
I'm not crazy about the way she called having a child a "small price to pay"... but still... any comments?
But as before, I think the two of you just need to talk about it as most have suggested. You should get together with her in person and talk about things. Hopefully in person it doesn't come off with quite the same tone of offering you a child so you'll get back together with her.
From what I gathered from the email, the woman in question had a child with "dude" and he left her alone to raise that kid. She is probably scared that if she has a kid with romantic undead and he bolts she will bear the burden of another child. I can understand her apprehension, I can't imagine how tough it is to be a single mom (dont know how my mom did it).
You two are adults, seems like you guys have been in plenty of relationships, and have experience. Don't listen to people around here who cut someone off for a mistake, or don't give anyone a chance because it doesn't live up to every single expectation. Give her a chance, just be really sure before you two get serious again.
If you get together and the relationship works out she probably will want to have another kid, ya know?
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
I understand that. I'm concerned about the casual nature she's taken in both of her talks with him about having children after previously being against it. The casual attitude and the use of language about the child like "a small price to pay" make it sound more like she's just using this as a means of getting him back rather than actually wanting more kids. Which is why I think he just needs to talk to her more in person to feel out the actual situation that may be getting distorted in email/retelling.
I can see where your coming from with that, and I agree it is something needs to be talked out in person.
Have a nice, long talk about this, and then put it to bed for a while.
"Mel" had "mini-mel" when she was very young (16). Mini-Mel is a teen now, almost independant, and I had no part of mini-mel's upbringing. mini-mel and I get along well, but she doesn't call me "dad" or anything like that. Mini-mel was brought up by "dude", but he is not her biological father, he is Mel's boyfriend of 9 years. Mini-mel's biological father is completely out of the picture and abandoned Mel as soon as she found out she was pregnant.
The time Mel spent raising Mini-mel for the first 6 years or so was with the support of her mother and at times, social assisstance. Mel currently rents a two bedroom apartment which she pays for on a 15$ an hour salary and an occasional child-support payment from the erstwhile biological father.
"Dude" is still in the picture, and takes care of Mini-mel on occasion, which I think is big of him (seeing as he's not the real father), but he's an unemployed "musician", which is the main reason Mel broke off with him in the first place; she couldnt' afford to support TWO children.
So yeah, anyways, original father abandoned a very young Mel. Mel falls in love with musician, who turns out to just be a bum, but the bum did have a hand in raising her child and still assumes some responsibility for her (though not financial, since he doesn't have any money).
Hope that clears a few things up.
It didn't sound casual to me, if she calls up crying it sounds like she has weighed it out and really thought about it.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
I think sometimes we get carried away with things having to be perfect. We tend to get caught up in small hints of indecision and use those as rallying points. It's an injustice because it's unrealistic. A man who proposes to a woman has thought it over, going back and forth until he finally decides what he thinks to be true. The woman, on the other hand, only has a split second to respond.
Everybody agnoizes over marriage or life-changing decisions. You knew how she felt about kids beforehand, and obviously hoped that either you or her would change eventually. Now she's showing that might be the case. Of course she's going to sound hesitant about it - she's still scared and unsure about the choice she's making. She's telling you that she loves you enough to be willing to change, but she needs your help because she won't be able to do it alone.
I beleive the 'small price to pay' is not referring to potential children, but to taking a chance that she will be left alone and have to deal with the burden of being a single parent again. She is willing to set her fears of that chance aside - very real and reasonable fears, I might add - in order to be in love and at one with the OP. That's the price she is paying here; her absolute certainty that such a thing will not happen to her again.
That's a really, really big step to take for someone who's life has been a sea of uncertainty. To give up an anchor point like that is pretty effing huge. Congradulations, this girl really loves you, trusts you and has faith in you. Stop to think for a bit about how many people have fucked her over, what the precedent for trust has been so far, and consider how it is through all of that, that she still finds hope in whatever it is exactly that she sees in you.
That letter holds an awful lot of meaning. I think the question you should be asking yourself about now is if you're really capable of living up to that level of expectation. She genuinely wants all of you forever bud; if you want to back out, if you think you might 'have' to back out in the future, the right thing to do is kill this now. If you're going to go the distance, then now's the time to step up.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Family dinner tomorrow. Think I'll bring it up to the 'rents and get their imput.