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How would you ask this? [Solved...]
Luinmac
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
First - I came here because this is one of the "smartest" message boards that I frequent... and probably contains a good volume of people in my age group.
Second - I created a new account to ask this for obvious reasons.
Anyway, let's get right to it. Quick background:
I'm in a very happy relationship of three years. We are getting along perfect, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
About 4-5 years ago I had a crush on a girl in high-school. We talked all the time, and were decent-enough friends. She was the salutatorian of our graduating class, not extremely popular, but a very nice person.
During our conversations, I found out through her friends that she liked me, so I eventually asked if she'd ever want to do something sometime... Of course this being my first "crush" and first potential "girlfriend", I was very nervous in asking this. Apparently, I found out later she, too, was nervous about it.
She accepted, but we never did anything due to neither of us taking initiative. We were still friends (after I foolishly and clumsilly admitted my deep liking to her) but eventually grew apart after high school.
Now to my question:
It's been a while, and I'd love to talk to her again... just to catch up. I have no intentions of "trying anything" with her, but I would love nothing more than to sit and chat about how things have been.
I'm wondering how I would go about asking her if she'd like to get a cup of coffee and chat... without it sounding like I'm still interested. I don't want her to get the wrong idea.
Any suggestions?
All help on this is much appreciated
~Nervous and Confused
Second - I created a new account to ask this for obvious reasons.
Anyway, let's get right to it. Quick background:
I'm in a very happy relationship of three years. We are getting along perfect, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.
About 4-5 years ago I had a crush on a girl in high-school. We talked all the time, and were decent-enough friends. She was the salutatorian of our graduating class, not extremely popular, but a very nice person.
During our conversations, I found out through her friends that she liked me, so I eventually asked if she'd ever want to do something sometime... Of course this being my first "crush" and first potential "girlfriend", I was very nervous in asking this. Apparently, I found out later she, too, was nervous about it.
She accepted, but we never did anything due to neither of us taking initiative. We were still friends (after I foolishly and clumsilly admitted my deep liking to her) but eventually grew apart after high school.
Now to my question:
It's been a while, and I'd love to talk to her again... just to catch up. I have no intentions of "trying anything" with her, but I would love nothing more than to sit and chat about how things have been.
I'm wondering how I would go about asking her if she'd like to get a cup of coffee and chat... without it sounding like I'm still interested. I don't want her to get the wrong idea.
Any suggestions?
All help on this is much appreciated
~Nervous and Confused
Luinmac on
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I had a similar thing last year when I was organizing my address book and saw an old friend's e-mail. Similar situation, had a crush on her, she was interested in me, nothing happened, good friends, etc.
So I drop her a simple e-mail saying "hey I was organizing some stuff and your email popped up, is there any chance we can catch up, I'd like to know how everything is going with you, sorry for being so out of touch, things have been hectic, etc." She was very happy to hear from me and we had lunch multiple times.
Since you're not trying to go for a relationship, there is no loss if you are honest with her and just say that you want to catch up.
Anything else would make me feel too nervous... like just driving home I'm rehearsing things to say in my head... then I nervously twitch and curse at myself...
... Obviously these situations get to me.
In all seriousness I don't believe anything good can come of this. My advice would be to only talk to her if you value just catching up more than your current relationship.
Whether you want to admit it or not seeing an old crush over cups of coffee is a slippery slope.
I've come to terms that she is WAY too good for me and nothing could ever happen. It's just... my mind is mixing up the two feelings...
Half of me is trying to relive how things were 4-5 years ago...
...The other half honestly and sincerely just wants to chat.
I can say 100% I would never do anything to jeapordize my current relationship, and that only one meeting would make me feel good about these things.
It just seems like it's something adults do after school, you know?
Or do you think those fleeting feelings in the past really will inhibit my ability to have a normal conversation?
Yes. Also you have to consider how to explain such a meeting to your current other. How would they take it? Would you hide it so you didn't have to explain it to them? If so then don't do it.
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I feel like I would have to hide it, yes.
I do, I really know it wouldn't go past that. It's just that... contact comfort... I think. Being close, less impersonal than chatting online, I know all of these things are going against me but I'm smart enough to know when I've got a good thing.
*Edit: especially in light of your comment that you would have to hide it. Whether or not anything would come of it, if you don't feel comfortable talking about it with your current partner, you shouldn't do it while you're in a relationship with that person.
I gotta go with Sartoris.
You seem to idolize her to some degree.
Even if you can be friends, I think this would be throwing a complication into your life. I'm not saying that necessarily means you shouldn't do it, but it's something to consider before you do anything. I mean, you can idolize friends too, but...it sounds very much like you still have romantic feelings for her and that can let things go south.
"She's too good for me" is a gigantic red flag.
These two statements, while not contradictory, will cause conflict. You're trying to relive things by seeing her again and catching up, but you're 100% sure you wouldn't hook up with her if the opportunity presented itself? Sure, it's possible that this is the case, but in my experience with myself and friends I think it's unlikely. In the back of your mind, consciously or unconsciously, you're hoping there's still something there and that maybe she still likes you and that maybe something will happen. Chances are it's not worth the trouble to see her again. And if you do, you better be certain that your current significant other knows about it ahead of time. Because if you don't tell her, and she finds out later somehow, you're in trouble.
Not really. Aside from high school friends who I have actually stayed in constant contact with since high school, I've never gone out of my way to make plans just to catch up with other classmates, former crushes, or girlfriends. Sure you might run into people sometimes and pause to catch up and laugh about old times, but if it's someone from high school that you haven't talked to her much in the intervening 4-5 years it's going to be weird.
All my high school crushes seem to have taken to getting drunk, then getting naked and making out with girls, and getting this all tagged on Facebook. Schoolboy fantasies destroyed. Plus it's amazing how much weight you can put on in 4 years, and still somehow be working the same shop. Ikky.
Despite what you say, you only want to catch up, she is too good for you..... Reading between the lines all I can see is that. You had a crush on this girl and never acted on it. There is part of you deep down who is still intrigued and wants to act on it.
There is no point in really going back to see this person other than sex and a possible relationship. You may not agree of course with this blunt assessment given what you've stated above. There was a point in time where I've made this mistake of trying to be friends with someone where there was an apparent sexual tension. What happened? We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Luckily it never progressed to a point that could ruin our other relationships at the time. And the end result was I had to tell her I could never see her again as I know there is no way I could be around her and not try and constantly F her.
If getting with this old crush is that exciting and worthwhile of a life experience than sure go for it and who knows....maybe it will develop into something more.
But again you already have someone who has been good enough to spend 3 years of your life with. Seems like quite a lot to give up for an unknown situation.
In my case I know there wasn't as good as a mental connection with this girl as I had with my current partner. That made it a bit easier to swear things off as I knew once the sex was over there wouldn't be too much to look forward too.
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Sounding like the popular thought...
Heh, that's definetly not the case with her. Ran into her at the mall last year with my girlfriend, talked a little bit.
My current one - To an extent I think she is also too good for me... but I still cherish her and she absolutely adores me. I don't think I'm looking for any sort of "verification", though... I'm 100% positive she's moved on and I hope she has, she deserves to. I couldn't care less if she's with someone right now, or has been for 4 years.
I guess I can see that... it feels wierd now and I haven't even taken the first step with it, I can't imagine how it would feel afterwards.
Ugh...
I came into this topic knowing for a fact I would be asking her, and only wanting a WAY to ask...
But you, as well as everyone here, have given very good reasons to not approach this. I didn't think this topic would completely change my mind, but it has...
Who knows, maybe you'll get over your nostalgia by talking to her one more time and not be as interested as you think.
Er, I don't necessarily think this is true, or at least what you imply isn't true.
It's very rare and probably unhealthy for one, lone relationship to fulfill all our needs from a social and attention perspective. I don't think there's generally anything wrong with wanting to catch up with friends.
I also think there is more to this particular relationship than just wanting to catch up, but I dont think a desire to catch up with other people necessarily suggests a lacking relationship.
Unless I read your post wrong, of course.
My current relationship isn't "lacking" by any means.
I think it all stems around guilt and being nervous about it. I don't know if the nervousness is warranted, or if I'm making too much out of it.
My friendship with this girl was MUCH more prevalent than the few sentences that implied a "more than friends" request. I almost believe that if she hasn't forgotten about it, it's likely in the VERY back of her head where it would probably not arise. Then again, she might associate me with that moment... it's hard to tell. We had normal conversations after that embarassing moment, though (albeit years ago while still in school)
I don't understand what you're trying to say. You're beating around the bush.
Do you mean you asked her to sleep with you and she rejected you?
If so, that's not something anyone ever forgets. I don't mean to upset you, but that's reality. I'd have to have a severe brain malfunction to forget something like that, and I expect most people would be the same way. This goes 10x if you actually had a close friendship with the person.
Then again, that may not be what you mean. I'm not entirely clear on what you are hinting at.
Don't bother. You'll save yourself a lot of trouble.
Oh lord no no no, haha. I just foolishly told her how I really liked her, and was interested in her. But I did that in the middle of our friendship. After that moment, we still had normal conversations for the most part.
And... yeah.... that's making more sense. On the ride home today, I was actually thinking of what I would do if I did ask her to have coffee....
... One of the things involved cleaning up and getting a haircut.
I'm making excuses for myself... This is becoming more and more obvious the more I look at it.
Er, okay, but I already got that from your previous posts and you made it sound like you had understated the relationship.
You can have friends. You can have friends when you are married, too. The question is whether or not you really want to be platonic friends or acquaintances with this girl. You may be lying to us about how strongly you feel. But that's unimportant. You may be lying to yourself and only you can really search within and figure that out.
I know you wanted advice solely on how to approach her but...you asked how to do so without sounding interested. So to answer that I have to know if you are interested. Or rather you have to know if you are interested. If you aren't, then be yourself. If you are, then lie. Or don't complicate your life. *shrug*
That just about settles it.
When I first came up with the idea, I'm glad my first thought was "I think I should run this by the PA Forums."
Obviously in the back of my head, I'm still interested in her... and I didn't realize that until I shared with you guys.
Like I said, I had all intentions of asking her and nothing was going to change my mind... but this topic seems to have done the trick.
I really appreciate all the help in waking me up and making me realize how risky this would have been.
This is why I come here... kind and caring advice... without the fear of being insulted.
Again, I really appreciate it everyone.