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I think I am broken. (girl thread)
pinenut_canary
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'm 21 right now, and last December I went into my first relationship. This Korean exchange student I knew from some other Korean exchange students would sometimes visit my apartment with some other friends for fun. As she interacted with me, it turns out she has a huge crush on me, and she asks me if I would like to start a relationship with her.
Before that, since 8/9th grade, I had a crush on this girl that I knew, all the way since my sophomore year of college. After that, she slowly started fading away and I was happy with it, because there's no use for me to salivate over her like that when I'm not going to ask her out.
So I start a relationship with the Korean exchange student (I'm Korean, but born in the U.S. btw), and things go great. It's my first time I've fallen in love and I loved her, and she loved me. We talked of how hard we're going to work when she goes back to Korea after Winter Quarter, and we made promises to each other that we will keep in close contact. I promised that I would save money to go to Korea to visit her and her family. I was (and maybe I still am) the world to her, I'm everything to her.
But 2 weeks ago, the girl that I had a crush on started popping in my head. At first I just thought it was coincidence and brushed it off, but she kept coming into my head, and I started imagining what it would be like to be with her. I felt guilty for doing so, because the one I should be loving is my girlfriend, not the crush. My girlfriend could tell that something was troubling me, and I felt really guilty, so I told her, and broke her heart. I guess we broke up. I explained to her later my emotions and that I truly do love her (and honest to God I meant it when I said that I loved her, every time I told her), and she was willing to give the relationship another try. So we started dating again, and everything was great, it was like the old times again.
And then just yesterday, the person I had a crush on started popping in my head again. I do not want to think about this crush anymore, I don't want to take chances with her, I don't want anything to do with her. I want to love my girlfriend.
She knew again that something was wrong, and I told her again. Other things were running through my head too. I'm an English major, and I'm worried about how I'll be able to financially support myself, and my future family. Also, I am a Christian (and let's keep religious argument out as much as possible), and my "walk" with God hasn't been very strong. I used to do drugs when I was younger, I tried committing suicide, I'm addicted to pornography and masturbation, I haven't been completely honest with people that are close to me.
Religious views aside, a lot of those things I mentioned are bad to my health, and I'm going to work on stopping those things, which I think are detrimental to any future relationships. I believe that I have to "set things right with God" before I can love anyone else.
But here's the thing, she still loves me. She isn't begging me to come back, because I hurt her, but she knows and I know that she loves me. And I would do anything to love her back just as much. I want to say that I love her and that I want to be with her.
Am I just feeling this because I feel guilty for what I've done? She's agreed to talk to me, and she's leaving back to Korea in less than a week.
Maybe it is guilt that I'm feeling for hurting her so much. I'm still composing my thoughts, and I hope that once I get my life straight I can truly see what I want and what I can do for my girlfriend, and if I can blow off the crush that I had. I don't feel guilty, but why should I be saying that I want to comfort her and love her when I can't love her as much as she loves me?
I'm sorry for throwing religion into this, but it's a big player in what I'm going through right now. I'm so frustrated and confused. I want to grow to love her again, start things off slowly (because we got closely in a really short amount of time). I know I'm just throwing in my emotions right now, but maybe I need to man up, get shit done, and then ask the girl I had a crush on out. But I don't want to, I want to be with my girlfriend, but I feel broken, like there's something wrong with me.
TL DR; I am a broken shit head.
Before that, since 8/9th grade, I had a crush on this girl that I knew, all the way since my sophomore year of college. After that, she slowly started fading away and I was happy with it, because there's no use for me to salivate over her like that when I'm not going to ask her out.
So I start a relationship with the Korean exchange student (I'm Korean, but born in the U.S. btw), and things go great. It's my first time I've fallen in love and I loved her, and she loved me. We talked of how hard we're going to work when she goes back to Korea after Winter Quarter, and we made promises to each other that we will keep in close contact. I promised that I would save money to go to Korea to visit her and her family. I was (and maybe I still am) the world to her, I'm everything to her.
But 2 weeks ago, the girl that I had a crush on started popping in my head. At first I just thought it was coincidence and brushed it off, but she kept coming into my head, and I started imagining what it would be like to be with her. I felt guilty for doing so, because the one I should be loving is my girlfriend, not the crush. My girlfriend could tell that something was troubling me, and I felt really guilty, so I told her, and broke her heart. I guess we broke up. I explained to her later my emotions and that I truly do love her (and honest to God I meant it when I said that I loved her, every time I told her), and she was willing to give the relationship another try. So we started dating again, and everything was great, it was like the old times again.
And then just yesterday, the person I had a crush on started popping in my head again. I do not want to think about this crush anymore, I don't want to take chances with her, I don't want anything to do with her. I want to love my girlfriend.
She knew again that something was wrong, and I told her again. Other things were running through my head too. I'm an English major, and I'm worried about how I'll be able to financially support myself, and my future family. Also, I am a Christian (and let's keep religious argument out as much as possible), and my "walk" with God hasn't been very strong. I used to do drugs when I was younger, I tried committing suicide, I'm addicted to pornography and masturbation, I haven't been completely honest with people that are close to me.
Religious views aside, a lot of those things I mentioned are bad to my health, and I'm going to work on stopping those things, which I think are detrimental to any future relationships. I believe that I have to "set things right with God" before I can love anyone else.
But here's the thing, she still loves me. She isn't begging me to come back, because I hurt her, but she knows and I know that she loves me. And I would do anything to love her back just as much. I want to say that I love her and that I want to be with her.
Am I just feeling this because I feel guilty for what I've done? She's agreed to talk to me, and she's leaving back to Korea in less than a week.
Maybe it is guilt that I'm feeling for hurting her so much. I'm still composing my thoughts, and I hope that once I get my life straight I can truly see what I want and what I can do for my girlfriend, and if I can blow off the crush that I had. I don't feel guilty, but why should I be saying that I want to comfort her and love her when I can't love her as much as she loves me?
I'm sorry for throwing religion into this, but it's a big player in what I'm going through right now. I'm so frustrated and confused. I want to grow to love her again, start things off slowly (because we got closely in a really short amount of time). I know I'm just throwing in my emotions right now, but maybe I need to man up, get shit done, and then ask the girl I had a crush on out. But I don't want to, I want to be with my girlfriend, but I feel broken, like there's something wrong with me.
TL DR; I am a broken shit head.
pinenut_canary on
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You're getting in a twist about something that happens to us all. I don't know a single person that doesn't think about an ex or someone they used to be close with (as you and this other girl were) every once in a while.
It's natural. Just think about what happened then, how you got to now, and how your feelings compared.
For example, I will occasionally have one of my ex-girlfriends/fuckbuddies pop up in my head for no apparent reason. Obviously, my first thought is "hey, I wonder how I could have made things work out there..." or something of a similar strain. But, I will then go and evaluate how things REALLY were then and how things REALLY are now. I'm infinitely more happy now that I was then. Sure, I'll still think about those girls and wish things turned out differently, but that's just biology for ya'.
Look at what you have honestly and realize it's all in your head.
It happens to everyone. Calm down and relax. Ain't no use ruining a relationship because your brain likes to wander sometimes.
I'm not going to say "forget about her" because that's trite and sometimes not possible. So my advice is not to forget about her but to learn to not feel "guilty" about it. I mean, from the above I gather that you love your Korean girlfriend and that you have no intention of actually attempting a relationship with this girl, so all you did is very hurtfully tell your girlfriend that there was someone else out there that you have a very significant crush on and that is so powerful you still think about it even though you never intend to act on it.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but really the only thing I can suggest is to shoulder things like this yourself. You don't "owe" it to your girlfriend to tell her something like this. This isn't really honesty. It's just you trying to absolve your guilt by telling your girlfriend.
Also, Callius, you're one of my favorite posters in SE++. I'm a lurker who stalks you through the internet.
I'm a big fan.
But, just realize that it's not the end of the world. Most everyone does it.
While that link is about sexual fantasies, I think it brings the point to a head. Yes, you might be embarrassed by what your brain does to you. But just realize that it's all internalized. It isn't affecting your relationship with your girlfriend, your family, nor the "other girl."
If your actions start being affected by it (in more ways than just being distracted) then address the issue. But it sounds like the only reason you were distracted by it is because you were worrying about the guilt of it all, not the actual thought.
Yay, Lurker love!
Honesty isn't the virtue that so many people make it out to be. You're just basically being a total dick to your girlfriend for no reason other than because you think it will make you feel better. Everyone fantasizes (guys, girls, whatevers). There is no reason to tell your girlfriend every time you have a thought about being with another woman. It's stupid and hurtful.
Thanks guys.
You also have to remember that you love this person and want to protect them. Don't lie to do so, but that doesn't mean you have to let everything through to them either.
It is the key to everything, but honesty and truth with yourself always comes before honesty and truth with other people. You need to understand why you want to do what you want to do, and how it will affect the people you love.
If the thinking ever turns to action, then it's time to take your punishment like a man. Until then, just leave your fantasies in your head. I can promise you that your girlfriend has probably fantasized/thought about a guy before too. It just happens... it's when fantasy is taken to the "trying to make it happen" step that you've crossed the line... but not before then.
When she told me, I felt relieved. I didn't feel sad or anything. I talked with my (ex?) girlfriend, we had dinner together and just talked. She said she just wanted to be friends. I think she's confused just as much as I am right now, but at the moment we are both treading very cautiously and doing what we want right now: just be friends.
Right now, I want to salvage our relationship, "start over" again, but she doesn't seem to want to, or seems too scared to, which is understandable.
I want to think things through and do everything slowly. She said she just wants to be friends, but I want it to be more than that in the future. But before I do anything, I need to think things through and see if I can truly love her, and if I don't, then we all move on.
Should I just do as she wishes and just "be friends"? Or should we just let go? I don't want to, but I need time to think things through. I know I'm being a pussy right now, but just tell me as it is, I'll man up one way or another.
Everything you guys have said has been very helpful. Thanks.
In your next relationship, try your damnedest not to obsess so much. People occaisionally think of old crushes, but you don't have to get all guilty over it and make it a big deal with your current S.O. There's no need to feel ashamed about thinking about someone who was a big part of your life in the past, but you being freaked out over it makes it more likely that your current partner will freak out.
Instead, when you think of your old crush, say to yourself, "Yeah, I liked her a lot. She was pretty cool, but what I have now is much better." You don't obsess over your elementary school friendships, do you? People can be important to you in the past and not be so important now, but you don't have to bury or reject your past feelings. Just acknowledge them and move on.
Ya, it happens. Maybe tell one of your guy friends if its bothering you (or you know, The Internet) but the girl? Noooooooooo. Hurtful for no good reason. Theres nothing she can do to help you with that issue, its yours. Thats one of those things you get to carry on your own.
I'm surprised that its a big deal anyway, cuz most dont see it that way. Then again, most people dont think pr0n is cheating on thier girlfriend either.
So out of left field, Im going to say try to cut down on porn. You're looking at other girls, and you're thinking, however much in the back of your head, what it would be like to be with them; becoming at one with and getting off (literally) on that mentality. The thoughts we orgasm to have a way of creeping into other parts of our lives, especially relationships.
One of the things about any religion (and I'm going to give a complete pass to your religions view on porn, because its irrelevant) is consistancy of thought. And in this case you are taking exception in one case (thoughts about another girl) and giving it a go ahead in another (masturbating to other women). Maybe, and its just a random potshot from some guy on thar interweb, you're repressing your guilt from one area of your life, and transferring it into another part due to the fact that they are both aspects of the same value system.
It would be human nature to repress and rationalize your porn habit- nobody is comfortable with seeing themselves as 'bad' all the time, so they make little rationalizations to ease their guilt. Little excuses they tell themselves to make it all seem better. Now, for the first time, you have an avenue without these built in guilt defenses (new girlfriend) and because you already have guilt about seeing other women in a way you think is best left to relationships, your brain seizes on this unguarded, undefended territory and tells you what you already 'know'- That your values around the thoughts and feelings you think should be reserved for the context of a relationship do not match up with your established pattern of self-made excuses.
The mind enters into conflict, seeking to resolve the differences between that which is habit, and that which is truth. This would explain the irrational amount of guilt you feel, the anxiety surrounding this issue, the need to explain and reiterate yourself and actions to a trusted person, the need to identify and re-establish the values contained within your relationship, the ties you mentioned between this issue and your spiritual walk, and most importantly, the identification of the fact that issue is very important to your own sense of honesty and integrity, and its meaning to who you are as a person.
Good for you for wanting to be honest with yourself. My advice, whatever I've said above, is to truly follow through with that, and see where that road takes you.
Not to stroke your epeen here, but I think this is a profound statement and truly a source of unrealized mental anguish.
Personally, I think the greatest danger to porn is how much it can warp your expectations. Very few people look like that in bed and if they do, won't be looking like that 15 years from now. If your true goal is a strong, monogamous, lifelong companionship; porn isn't a very good place to base your expectations.
In my opinion, happiness (when you try to simplify as much as possible) is not much more than managed expectations. It is impossible to be happy with something if you truly expect more. On the flip side, when your expectations are exceeded; the emotion of happiness almost always ensues.
It causes you to live in a fantasy world that can never be realized, which is very difficult to come back from because you feel like you are just settling. I must admit, it is this mental battle that I find myself struggling with; but, really, this is life.
I need to continue this thought later.
However, if that girl you had a crush on is available; I might suggest just going for it. For some reason your mind doesn't seem to be giving you closure until you know there is no possibility. The worst thing that could happen is getting a no, which is better than what you have, a "what if".
A 'no' is always better than a 'maybe'.
You sound like you feel incredible pressure all the time. There's nothing wrong with ambition, dude, but if you work too hard to make your life conform to a certain rubric, you're always going to be frustrated ... life is messy.
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