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Zephonate
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey, all.
Well, I'm posting this right now due to a severe lack of people to talk to at the moment. I also know there are some smart people on this forum, and though I'm not necessarily asking for advice, a nugget of wisdom or two couldn't possibly hurt at this point.
Going on two months ago, my girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me. We were high school sweethearts, had a storybook romance, loved each other more than anything, and were convinced we were the antithesis to the idea that all high school relationships were doomed. Silly me to think so, I guess.
At the outset of the breakup, her reasons were vague. The same three she used when she first told me we were having problems back in December. I was too horny all the time (making her uncomfortable and eventually causing her to not want to be touched), I wasn't as romantic as I'd been in the beginning, and she simply wasn't happy anymore. She gave me a second chance, and up until February, I was sure things were getting better. I drew her pictures all the time, wrote her poems, did cute things for her on a daily basis, and more or less assassinated my libido. But in the end, it was all for naught. She still loved me (and still does), but she wasn't in love with me anymore. In retrospect, after a shitload of self-reflection, I know the other contributing factors that led to the relationship's demise. They were things I could've turned around, had she told me what was wrong instead of letting me figure it out on my own when it was too late to do anything about it.
Understandably, this made me feel like my heart was being melon-balled out of my chest. I felt like an amputee. I spent two weeks doing nothing (outside of going to work) but sleeping and crying. Whenever I was awake, I could barely stomach a meal a day due to nausea, and I constantly felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack.
During the breakup (at which point we were both sobbing. Though it was one-sided and her decision, it was killing her to do it), she told me she still wanted to be friends, but would understand if it'd be too painful for me. I told her I couldn't live without her in my life, be it together or not.
Flash forward to the present. Her and I get along fine. We hang out probably once a week, and we still laugh and joke and have fun just like we used to. We're both over the hardest part of the breakup. We're done suffering and grieving...now it's all about healing.
I've already convinced myself that her and I will probably never happen again. I know there's someone else out there for me that won't let stupid obstacles that can be overcome or a lack of communication get in the way. But, due to the fact she's been coping a lot easier than I have, that the breakup was not mutual by any means, and that I am one of those oh-so-fortunate people that has to not only validate their existence through another person, but also is stuck with the near lifelong stigma of being the male best friend to every female I come in contact with, I'm just...feeling pretty lonely.
I miss it so much...not her necessarily. Just the feeling of having someone. The warmth of another body cuddling close to mine in my arms. Feeling safe. Feeling loved. I'm one of those people that can't live without love in my life. Sure, I have plenty of friends and family, and they all love me deeply. But anyone who's experienced any kind of romance knows that there's a fundamental difference. I can go on without it. But, to borrow a quote from Harry Potter, it feels like I'm living a half-life.
Again, I'm not really asking for advice here. I just want to talk to someone. Anyone. Anyone who cares to listen, who can empathize with what I'm going through.
Well, I'm posting this right now due to a severe lack of people to talk to at the moment. I also know there are some smart people on this forum, and though I'm not necessarily asking for advice, a nugget of wisdom or two couldn't possibly hurt at this point.
Going on two months ago, my girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me. We were high school sweethearts, had a storybook romance, loved each other more than anything, and were convinced we were the antithesis to the idea that all high school relationships were doomed. Silly me to think so, I guess.
At the outset of the breakup, her reasons were vague. The same three she used when she first told me we were having problems back in December. I was too horny all the time (making her uncomfortable and eventually causing her to not want to be touched), I wasn't as romantic as I'd been in the beginning, and she simply wasn't happy anymore. She gave me a second chance, and up until February, I was sure things were getting better. I drew her pictures all the time, wrote her poems, did cute things for her on a daily basis, and more or less assassinated my libido. But in the end, it was all for naught. She still loved me (and still does), but she wasn't in love with me anymore. In retrospect, after a shitload of self-reflection, I know the other contributing factors that led to the relationship's demise. They were things I could've turned around, had she told me what was wrong instead of letting me figure it out on my own when it was too late to do anything about it.
Understandably, this made me feel like my heart was being melon-balled out of my chest. I felt like an amputee. I spent two weeks doing nothing (outside of going to work) but sleeping and crying. Whenever I was awake, I could barely stomach a meal a day due to nausea, and I constantly felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack.
During the breakup (at which point we were both sobbing. Though it was one-sided and her decision, it was killing her to do it), she told me she still wanted to be friends, but would understand if it'd be too painful for me. I told her I couldn't live without her in my life, be it together or not.
Flash forward to the present. Her and I get along fine. We hang out probably once a week, and we still laugh and joke and have fun just like we used to. We're both over the hardest part of the breakup. We're done suffering and grieving...now it's all about healing.
I've already convinced myself that her and I will probably never happen again. I know there's someone else out there for me that won't let stupid obstacles that can be overcome or a lack of communication get in the way. But, due to the fact she's been coping a lot easier than I have, that the breakup was not mutual by any means, and that I am one of those oh-so-fortunate people that has to not only validate their existence through another person, but also is stuck with the near lifelong stigma of being the male best friend to every female I come in contact with, I'm just...feeling pretty lonely.
I miss it so much...not her necessarily. Just the feeling of having someone. The warmth of another body cuddling close to mine in my arms. Feeling safe. Feeling loved. I'm one of those people that can't live without love in my life. Sure, I have plenty of friends and family, and they all love me deeply. But anyone who's experienced any kind of romance knows that there's a fundamental difference. I can go on without it. But, to borrow a quote from Harry Potter, it feels like I'm living a half-life.
Again, I'm not really asking for advice here. I just want to talk to someone. Anyone. Anyone who cares to listen, who can empathize with what I'm going through.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
Zephonate on
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Anyways, I just wanted to say that I know (at least in a way) how you feel. The loneliness gets almost unbearable sometimes, especially when they tell you that they're so happy now and seeing "so and so, and you'd really like her/him", and you're still reeling from the break up. Hell, it still hurts me from time to time, not as bad as it used to but still...
If you need an ear you can certainly talk to me if you like.
God, what I wouldn't give to just have someone to cuddle with...I know, that's hardly a very guy-like thing to say, but it's the truth. =/
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
Even though I don't always believe it myself, I try to remember that things happen for a reason, and things will work out the way they're supposed to. I just have to focus on being a good person, treating my friends and loved ones with love and respect, and things will start looking up.
With my ex and I, we're on friendly terms, it's still hard to talk to him sometimes, I imagine it always will be. But as much as it hurts sometimes, I try to remember that I learned a lot about myself in that relationship and I grew a lot as a person as a result of it. I know what I want and don't want in the next person I'm with. I know some of the fatal mistakes I made, and I strive not to repeat them.
If nothing else, you can at least take each relationship as a learning experience.
Yes, you can live without love in your life. And you will. It sucks, but breakups happen. What you need to work on right now is not defining your happiness as 'in a relationship.' Find out what it means to be happy without a significant other, and you'll end up much better off and more emotionally stable than you are right now, I guarantee it. This will also help you find another girlfriend faster, believe it or not, as girls tend to like more emotionally stable guys.
But all of it, the longterm stuff, the short term stuff, never really satisfied me. I decided to stay alone for sometime, just under two years actually, completely celibate, with no wymynses at all. The first little while was excruciating, but as time passed I learned how to be myself, and spent a lot of time developing who I was as a person, and how I wanted my own life and my own style to be. I sculpted my mind and my body into something I wanted, I liked, and allowed that to grow.
Eventually, I learned ways of pouring my endless sexual energy into other forms, and although nothing 'feels' as good to me as a beautiful woman doing beautiful things, there were certainly other activities that were deeply satisfying to me, mentally and spiritually. I followed these things through, and allowed them to further shape who I was, and to create and maintain specific habits that allow me to be who I want to be.
One day, when I was practicing a particularily difficult movement piece, everything came together. Not for the first time, but it was the first time it came so easily I had time to think about and observe how easy it actually was. My life seemed to flow along the lines I had created so effortlessly, so solidly, that I knew i had created something permanent inside myself; a way of thinking and being that was truly my own. That it had been developed into something tangible in my presence. I knew then that it was finally time for me to go out and open myself up to the opportunities of being with another person, and that I would be alright with sharing who I was.
It worked out. Things are different in terms of establishing long term relationships, and there are definately struggles in navigating lifes little love quirks- but I don't feel as though I'm setting aside myself or redefining myself just to be with another person. The people I find now tend to suit my style, and one of the things I've realized is that I never really needed to 'bend' my mind to match someone otherwise unsuitable. Just being who I am, and doing the things I love to do, puts me in places where there are other people doing the same thing, because they love it too. Finding myself and expressing that outwards in terms of going out in the world and doing things, allowed me to find where the genuinely suitable and like-minded people are. I'm pretty happy about that. Well worth the time.
-Sigh- was just browsing for some cool wallpapers, and came across this. It brought tears to my eyes.
Bizarre thought: witnessing the apocalypse might not be so bad if I had someone to hold me and tell me they loved me during it.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
Broke up with my (only) girlfriend of 5 years about 8 months ago and I've still not got my life back on track. Feels like I'm drifting through life with no aims and no one really caring about me.
You'll get through it though, we all do. Like Sarcastro said, I think we just need to find ourselves. I've finally got the motivation back to improve myself. Going to the gym a couple of times a week and learning guitar. Whether you're doing it for yourself, for future girlfriends or even to impress the ex, doesn't matter right now. If it makes you feel good, do it, eventually you'll be doing it all for yourself and you'll be a better person for it.
Focus on the positives and your life will only go up from there.
Good luck!
And wow...one of my male bi friends just made a pass at me. That's the first time I've ever rejected someone (though since he's a good friend, I did it in the nicest way possible). I'm not sure how that makes me feel about myself and my relationship status. :...:
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm going through the same thing at the moment. About a month since breakup up with my girlfriend of two years. Whenever I think I'm getting past missing her specifically, I realise that I'm missing what she meant to me instead.
I wish I had some solid advice, but there's no surefire way to fix things. Personally I'm trying to go out more; joined some clubs on campus, got my old part time job back, been spending more time out with friends. Try and busy yourself as much as possible. I find I start to feel particularly bad when I have hours of time just doing nothing, and start thinking about her a lot.
If you ever want to talk about things specifically shoot me a PM. Like I said I'm going through what seems to be the same thing. And it can be pretty hard to find people to talk to about this stuff when it seems like they just don't get it.
Also is it just me or have an awful lot of people around here been ending long-term relationships recently? :?
Seriously. Even though my ex says she heard about people breaking up before we did, I almost feel like -since for the longest time, our relationship was so strong- that we were the linchpin holding everyone around us together. As soon as we broke up, my best friend and his girl started having problems (though they're better now), and about three or four couples that we'd been friends with ended. And most of them had at least been going out for a year when this happened.
It just makes me wonder what the fuck is happening to people. Call me a hopeless romantic, but to borrow a quote from The Beatles, "love is all you need". Yes, there can be obstacles and other factors at play, but when it really comes down to it, love should be able to conquer all. I dunno...I have an overly-developed (and perhaps overly idyllic) sense of romanticism and the nature of love.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
"Human beings never experience love. We only remember it."
--Anonymous.
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"
--Joel Barish (Jim Carrey), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Btw, that last quote is me in a nutshell.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
H/A tends to always have these threads, PA Forumers are not exactly the most experience group of people when it comes to relationships.
When my boyfriend of two and a half years broke up, I was 20; we'd been dating since I was 17. It hurt and made me miserable, but after a while I realized that our relationship had been getting in the way of us doing all the growing and changing and reinventing that people are supposed to do in college. With him gone, I discovered that a lot of things I'd been doing, I was doing because they were his preferences, not my own. People I'd avoided because he disliked them turned out to be amazing friends, activities he'd hated turned out to be great fun, etc.. I'd basically stayed the same as I was in high school because I wanted to stay the girl he wanted to be with, not become the girl I wanted to be. Suddenly being able to do anything I wanted and become anything I felt like was really, really liberating, and looking back, I have happy memories of the relationship and I'm also happy that we broke up.
Sorry for the long story. My point is, you can grow and change from the ending of this relationship without having to think badly about the love you two shared.
I was engaged to a girl who, in hindsight, was not a good match for me at all. It hurt for a long time and i blamed myself for all the things i could have done. But then i met my now-girlfriend. She's a much better fit for me. In fact, i cant think of one area she isnt better than my ex-fiancee. It opened my eyes to the realization that sometimes, you're just not as compatible with someone as you think you are.
The advice i will give is this. If you must stay in contact with her (and i dont recommend it for anyone, at least for a while) then do NOT hold out any hope at all you will get back together. This will drastically lengthen the healing process. It is done. And by the sounds of your post, it really sounds like its for the best. You'll find someone more suited for you some day.
Also you need to stay out of relationships as long as you hold onto this notion that you cant be happy unless you are in one. Its a very unhealthy attitude.
Yes. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Of course the breakup has been agonizing, bur that doesn't change the fact that up until we started having problems, being with her and being in love was the happiest time of my life. And suffering that heartbreak again and again would be worth it for another chance at that kind of happiness.
And my earlier comment about not being able to live without love in my life seems to have been taken out of context. Of course I can live without it. I'm just a much happier person when I do have a certain someone to hug, kiss, cuddle with, and tell me they love me.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
You made it sound like you have a list of all that stuff that you want to do but you're not doing it right now because you are "still in heartbreak stage". If that's really what's going on, then that's silly. Do that stuff, as much of it as you can. Go put on your running shoes and go out for a two mile jog or something. Today.
I'm currently "in between girlfriends" and have been for the past five months. Occasionally I'll think back to the days when sex was plentiful and I had to throw my ex across the room - repeatedly - to not cuddle/etc with her during a movie. Yeah, those were good days. You know what else are also good days? Now. I can flirt with whoever I want without my lady jumping out of the shadows at me with a brand new Castratron 3000. And while it's not guaranteed, I still have the opportunity to cuddle with people, and it's always new and exciting when I do because hey! I haven't done it 40,000 times before with that person! Woo!
So, if you want to take a break from dating, focus on your own personal stuff: get some more muscle/lose weight/start up a savings account/etc. Or if you think you want to jump right back into the dating pool, go for it. Nothing's stopping you except yourself.