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Going for the girl
Victor15b
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ive had this off and on, flingy, flirty, thing with this friend of mine for the past 10 years.
We have both seen each other go through one crappy relationship after another.
She's a great friend of mine, and one of the few women in the world I deeply care about.
This past Saturday she sends me a text informing me that her boyfriend broke up with her. I ignored it, as well as her phone call the next day.
Tonight, I am going over to the Wine & Tapas bar she works at downtown. I'm sure she will want to talk about the break up when she sees me but I am going to be intensely direct and tell her that I didnt come to talk about her ex, I came to see her.
I am going to tell her not to make any plans for this Sunday night, and then promptly exit.
We'll see how this goes.
We have both seen each other go through one crappy relationship after another.
She's a great friend of mine, and one of the few women in the world I deeply care about.
This past Saturday she sends me a text informing me that her boyfriend broke up with her. I ignored it, as well as her phone call the next day.
Tonight, I am going over to the Wine & Tapas bar she works at downtown. I'm sure she will want to talk about the break up when she sees me but I am going to be intensely direct and tell her that I didnt come to talk about her ex, I came to see her.
I am going to tell her not to make any plans for this Sunday night, and then promptly exit.
We'll see how this goes.
Victor15b on
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What if she's not ready to jump back in the dating pool straight away? I know after an intense break up, the last thing I am looking for is somebody else to make my life complicated.
I did something similar with a lady friend a couple weeks ago. We had been friends for about half the time you guys have been.
Unfortunately, I didn't just "leave the restaurant." I had to leave the state. For a few months. So we'll see what happens when I get back and see her.
You've been friends for 10 years, so clearly you know her and how she reacts better than we do. Perhaps she's hinted, expressed or outright said that this sort of bold (and in other situations, ill timed) and forward gesture might be appreciated, but just going from a baseline of people I know, it probably wouldn't end well.
You're her friend, so be her friend. I agree that you should let your intentions be known, and hopefully something comes of it, but right now, and like this, just sounds like a bad idea.
Also, the part where you "ignored" her text and phone call on the weekend seems odd to me, both in doing it and the fact you mention it as though it's pertinent to the situation at hand.
Also, being "intensely direct" at her place of work could backfire, hard. I don't like confronting or even dealing too seriously with people I'm interested in at work; they're effectively trapped, and while you intending to turn around and walk out might alleviate that a bit, it also leaves her incapable of coming after you, whether to discuss it further or to clarify the situation for you.
How about instead you act like you genuinely do care about her and haven't just been lying in wait for a chance to get in her pants? Let her talk about her breakup. Give her some time. Flirt like mad and let her know you're interested, but there's no need to be a douchebag about it.
Made me lol!
To be honest, I can't really explain why I didnt respond to her over the weekend, I just didn't want to talk about it.
From the logical perspective, it looks like Im being a jerk....and thats kind of the point. I could go on about this subject for hours.
Either way, I will never forgive myself if I dont do this.
Anyway, I need to get back to work, but I will update later with either or success story or a dry cleaning bill8-)
EDIT:
Ok, just to clarify, I am not going to storm in there like the LAPD and stop her dead in her tracks.
I'll go chill at the bar, have a drink and wait for her to come to me and chat for a bit. BUT, the second she mentions ANYTHING about her ex (which hopefully won't be the first thing), I will smile, politely cut her off, and let her know that I dont want to talk about it.
Also, im not asking for a "date" either........to be honest I have no idea what we will do Sunday....but I have 5 days to figure that out.
BTW, She tells me to come see her at work all the time, and her co-workers have expressed that they like me better than her ex.
Also, hanging out alone together is nothing new for us either.
Ok, back to work for real this time.
You seem like you're trying to fix her. Don't let that be the reason for taking on a relationship. Don't be a rescuer.
Clearly she did want to talk about it and that's kind of the point, if you care about her so much. At her place of work, she doesn't have the freedom to act like she would in a more private setting, therefore it would be more considerate to do this when she doesn't have other commitments than talking to you.
It will sound very much like a date unless you are careful. Certainly, the thread title makes it sound like you are after a date.
Makes it sound like a date, especially if it matters that:
People have already given you good advice in this thread about being supportive and giving her time, so I urge you to take it.
Similarly, they may have a pretty strong friendship where they're used to talking to each other like this. Arguably, the OP is looking to make a point that he likes this girl and that they're friends and she should move on -- by dating him. We don't know how serious her past relationships was, although it sounds like both of them are serial daters, given the comment of "one crappy relationship after another."
My advice is that it's fine to make a stand and stage it almost like an intervention, as in "you've just been dating shitty guys, why the hell aren't we going out together already" kind of thing. However, don't hang the entire friendship on it. If she turns you down, or you both figure out that it's not going to work, don't dwell on it. Move on and return to being friends.
I know there a plenty of guys out there who have been the "nice guy" or the "friend" of a girl they really liked and have gotten NOWHERE....so Im trying a different approach.
I wasn’t so much posting this looking for advice as I was posting this as advice for others.
Whether this turns out to be advice in the form of:
“Sometimes you just have to grab your balls and go for it”
Or
“Goddam, that was a stupid thing to do. Guys, don’t ever do what I just did”
is yet to be seen. But we will find out here in a few hours
Thanks for the encouragement eggy.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, here I go.
I understand what you are trying to do OP, you are trying to give her the cold shoulder, get out of the "friend zone" and take control. That's all well and good, but thats not why she likes you. You are honestly at risk of ruining a friendship that possibly could have developed slowly into something more.
Be prepared for rejection. Not saying it WILL happen, but it's likely.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Yeah that's a pretty awful plan dude.
How about being supportive for her after her break-up.
Maybe she wants some time to reflect and recover and not some guy barging into her work and shoving their boot straight down her throat.
Oh so very fucking hard.
Grow the fuck up, man.
If you have any questions re: my opinion of your plan do feel free to bring them up at your leisure.
I'd be thinking something along the lines of "well, he doesn't want to listen to how I feel, or any of my feelings at this point. He only wants to get with me.....it'll probably be like this in the future..."
Seriously, grow up, man.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Yeah, you know that being the "nice guy" or the "friend"? If you have to put quotes around those things, you're not a nice guy, and you're not her friend; you're an opportunistic, deceitful douchenozzle who was pretending to care about someone in order to trick them into liking you. This thing you're doing now is just as douche-y. You're playing games. Don't ever do that shit.
Seriously, if you're friends with someone who just went through a breakup, you talk to them even if you don't feel too much like it, you let them rant to you, you provide support. You don't barge into their work with an ultimatum (a date? not a date? who knows, but you're not giving her a choice). If you don't want to be, at best, the latest in her string of asshole dates, you need to reevaluate your motives and the way you treat her.
that way she'll know you mean business
Satans..... hints.....
Assuming any of this (either the linked post or this thread) is true, you have so much to learn about respecting people.
Personally i think you're just full of shit.
Oh holy shit I laughed really hard at this.
But seriously Victor, you need to turn in your man card. If you like this girl, and she likes you... Cutting her off at that moment is going to sour her. Don't do it.
Things didnt go as planned...they never do....
I was nervous all day, it got worse as the time drew closer.
I was so bad I actually forgot my wallet in the office. Luckily my workaholic boss was still nearby and unlocked the building for me so I could get in.
The drive downtown sucked, parking was even worse.
The icing on the cake:
I ran into her ex on the way there!! Apparently he works valet at the steakhouse a few blocks from her bar. A brief fist pound and a "Hey bro whats up?" Relieved the awkwardness and I continued on my way.
So I walked into her bar. It was a slow night....perfect. One of her coworkers spotted me.
"Hi Victor" she said.
"Hey, is my little buddy working tonight?"
"Yeah, she's in the back, want me to tell her you're here?"
"No, thats cool"
I pulled up a stool at the bar and order a morgan and coke. The lighting was dim, and the music was at a low level.
She comes up from behind and gives me a hug
Her: "Hey"
Me: "Hi" - massively nervous
I notice that she cut her hair. Typically she grows it out long. This time it was cut to the length just below her cheekbones. She looked incredible.
Me: "I love that haircut, I never thought short hair would look good on you, but damn, you look amazing. Own it girl!"
Her: "Thank you. *she tells me a brief story about her stylist*
Her: "I heard your car got towed last night"
Me: *proceeds into story of the insanity that was the previous night*
Her: "Thats crazy. I got dumped over the weekend"
Me: *nods* "I know"
Her: "This dosent happen to me, Im usually on the other end of the break up and..."
Me: *smiling "Hey, I didnt come here to talk about your ex, or your poor taste in men, I came because I wanted to see you"
*she smiles and blushes*
Her: "Hey, I thought you said you liked Tyler"
Me: "I liked him yeah, dosent mean I thought he was good enough for you"
Her: "Well why didnt you say anything?"
Me: "Well I thought I'd just let it be, I mean you seemed happy and.....Hey, I thought I said I didnt want to talk about this?"
She smiles and blushes again
I take a drink, and set my glass down
Me: "Dont make any plans for this Sunday"
Her: "Sunday I have a bachelorette to go to"
FAIL
Her: "Im free the Sunday after though"
Me: Taking a drink "No shit? So whos getting married?"
Her: *proceeds into story about some mutual friends of ours who are getting married and the crappy timing of the whole thing and how she hates men now*
Her: "Im done with guys, you all suck"
Me: "Yes, we are known for that"
Her: "I think I just want to be independent, and just keep a hot dumb guy around I can use for sex"
*She smiles and tilts her head down ever-so-slightly and looks me up and down*
-Im flattered and insulted all the same time-
Me: *flirtatiously* "Oh so your not looking for someone who could beat you in a game of chess or anything?"
Her: *laughing* "Oh hell no! Even, being able to count to ten is too much"
She goes to check on her tables.
I tell the bartender to close out my tab.
EIGHT BUCKS FOR ONE DRINK?? WTF? Crappy ass economy.
I finish my overpriced rum n coke, and am putting on my jacket when she returns.
Her: "Leaving already?"
Me: "Yeah Ive been really busy lately, I have to do this tomorrow and this on thursday, bla bla bla"
Her: "I know, I work all week, then Im going dancing Friday, and then the bachloerette party"
Me: "You should really free yourself up on Sunday" <---Damn, I shouldnt of said that...
Her: "I cant, I told her Id be there bla bla bla"
Me: "Yeah......I'll see you around"
Her: "Thanks for coming to see me"
I hug her. She kisses me on the cheek and follows me towards the door. I look back and she's smiling at me in that way that makes me melt....
She says something to me, but I didnt hear.
I smile and wink at her.....and then leave.
So there it is.
Fuck. Nothing is ever black or white when it comes to my dating life...its always that damn grey area.
It seems now the best thing to do is.....wait.
I hate waiting.
Maybe next week, I'll send her a teddy bear with a funny message attached or something. I think shed like that.
Damn, oh well.
Time to hit the liquor cabinet.
Ahh......sweet alcohol. The cause of, and answer to all of life's problems.
EDIT:
LOL, I forgot about that post in the MMO thread. Funny shit, but not the same girl Im reffering to here.
... He turned down sure sex for a Wailing Caverns run? A potential threesome at that?
Nothing we say is going to help.
I bid you good day, sir.
Edit: note the sig and realize that an ADDICT is saying this. :-(
That must have stung, hearing that.
Yeah man..it did.
But you know, I know her really well. I know its just venting the frustration she is feeling right now.
Honestly I think we all go through something similar when we're dumped.
Time heals all. Before you know it she will be with some jackass again....
BUT BY GOD, THIS TIME THAT JACKASS IS GONNA BE ME!!!!8-)
But that's just me.
Keep us updated..
I totally understand your desire not to be a doormat - and you shouldn't have to be - but you're going about it the wrong way. What you need to do if friendship isn't enough for you with her is sit her down and tell her how you feel, what you want and how you want things to be between the two of you. She may not feel the same. And so you walk away and carry on. But she might feel the same, or eventually come around, and then all is well and good. But this whole manipulation business isn't going to end well, and probably wont help the strength of the relationship long term in any case.