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Heart Break Troubles
Peachstrudle
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My girlfriend (yes lesbian) of 5 1/2 years broke up with me on the 8th of Feburary, 5 days before my birthday. Apparently, I wasn't grown up with her, she was growing up faster than me, she'd met someone else (30yr old btw[She's 22 I'm 21]) etc, there was many reasons. But basically it's over.
For a while I was convinced I could win her back, but now, from the outside, I've realised she's very self centered, very self involved and (with the influence of my friends) basically realised I don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. But that doesn't seem to stop me being in love with her, as well as hating her for being "in love" with this other woman (her own words). We both promised we'd be good friends if we ever broke up, so we've continued talking and texting etc, but it's hard on me, considering she keeps bring up the 'other girl'
The thing is I don't know how to feel now.
I feel terribly attracted to my housemate. I have had a crush on her since my 1st yr of Uni (this is my 3rd year) but have only now had the chance to act on it (since I'm not a cheater). The thing is, thought I know she had a crush on me, I don't know if it's still there. Also, she's in a "relationship" with a girl from America who came to visit about 3 months ago. My housemate is moving to America in July. I told her I was interested and trying to "seduce her" but she said she was "resisting for her own reasons".
Is it worth me ever trying anymore, or should I just try and give up and let myself settle for 6 months or more?
How can I stop feeling for these girls? I'm cutting myself over this. It's pretty shitty.
For a while I was convinced I could win her back, but now, from the outside, I've realised she's very self centered, very self involved and (with the influence of my friends) basically realised I don't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. But that doesn't seem to stop me being in love with her, as well as hating her for being "in love" with this other woman (her own words). We both promised we'd be good friends if we ever broke up, so we've continued talking and texting etc, but it's hard on me, considering she keeps bring up the 'other girl'
The thing is I don't know how to feel now.
I feel terribly attracted to my housemate. I have had a crush on her since my 1st yr of Uni (this is my 3rd year) but have only now had the chance to act on it (since I'm not a cheater). The thing is, thought I know she had a crush on me, I don't know if it's still there. Also, she's in a "relationship" with a girl from America who came to visit about 3 months ago. My housemate is moving to America in July. I told her I was interested and trying to "seduce her" but she said she was "resisting for her own reasons".
Is it worth me ever trying anymore, or should I just try and give up and let myself settle for 6 months or more?
How can I stop feeling for these girls? I'm cutting myself over this. It's pretty shitty.
Peachstrudle on
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And you can't really stop feeling as much as deal with it. Stop resisting and starting thinking.
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Aside from that, standard girl thread advice : Might be worth cutting off contact with the ex-gf to give yourself time to heal. With this roommate, personally i dont really see the point in starting anything if she is moving to the US permanently, plus you said she is in a relationship and resisting you anyway? Regardless, i'd probably advise waiting until you're a bit more emotionally stable and comfortable about your last breakup.
It's not that you're insane or something, don't take the suggestion that way. It's just that if you're cutting yourself, you need more help than you probably realize.
The logic being, at least for me, if you spend time interacting with her constantly, you'll miss a little light that should go off in your head saying, "I am not interacting with so-and-so daily, anymore. Life is different now, and I need to adjust accordingly."
I didn't intend to imply self harm.
I'm thinking that avoiding contact with my ex is my best bet. She's gone on holiday for 2 weeks, so I'll mention it when she gets back so she knows I'm not just being a bitch.
Also, you're right, trying anything with my housemate is probably a waste of time for all involved. But here's my next question. How the hell do I stop thinking about her in that way? She's my best friend so we're always together, laughing and joking. It gets very annoying when I wish it was something more.
Anyone know how I can get a love lobotomy?
As for your housemate...well, you're good friends, but maybe spending some time away from the house will help you. Study at the library, go out more often with your other friends, stuff like that. You certainly don't have to cut her out of your life or daily activities, but maybe that will help distract you from your attraction.
Also, if you find out where to get that love lobotomy, let me know lol!
Give yourself awhile before going after someone new. You're still pretty raw, and you need time to heal and move on. Rebound relationships get their notoriety for a reason.
Indeed. Even if you want to be friends with her, it's a bad idea. Old feelings have a way of dragging themselves up, and the only way you'll stop it is to just break contact completely for a while.
This came back and bit me in the ass like a lion just this Monday. My ex ended up leading me on and then said some asshole things to the extent of "I know what you have to offer."
You need to move on. I don't know how it's possible to be "just friends" with an ex.
Your memories of the way things used to be with your ex are still very strong, and so attachments to that old way of being are very strong. Trying to make a new kind of relationship in the face of those attachments is very, very difficult. As time passes and memories fade, it will become easier: for many the effort and work it requires to do such a thing right away is impossible. It is not fair of your ex to ask this level of effort from you, and if you are not capable of doing so, it is not fair to ask this of yourself.
After all, the old relationship had an expectation of growth together, and investing that work in them was like nvesting in yourself. Now that you are apart, and she is with another, investing in her makes her and them stronger - but not you. Decide what you are willing to do, not for the sake of what used to be, but in terms of your new ongoing relationship. If there is a connection, if there is a chance for freindly growth together, invest; but don't allow yourself to be pulled back into the same levels of commitment as you used to have. Share only what you have left over, because this strength is needed for your new life, and your new relationships. Sharing too much will leave you exhausted in the effort, and make it even more difficult for you to get your own life in tune with what is happening Right Now.
I laughed at the 'love lobotomy' part. It would be amazing if we could just blink a few times in a certain way and change our feelings. Feelings are important, but are terribly shortsighted. They want what they want Right Now, and have very little mind for the big picture. You can't change how you feel, but you can change what you focus on. If you focus on dreaming, what isnt real, too much, you can lose sight of how things really are and make mistakes in your approach to certain issues. As you are learning, there is no rewind - life is constantly and always moving ever forward, and the mistakes we make today often mean more effort or impossibilities in the future.
So if you like this girl, take a think about how things really are. See what you can do and be to make her life easier and more enjoyable. Not because you want something back, I would advise to set that aside, but just to be a good thing in her life. Enjoy what you can, what you actually have, focus on the things that actually exist when it comes to being in her presence. Focus on the things you enjoy Right Now. In this way, removed from aggressive action, things grow and progress naturally, spreading out and flourishing in the way they need to get bigger and stronger. If you force a direction, try to control and manipulate the situation, you may make some immediate progress, but the relationship, the growth, as a whole will be slower, weaker and more diminished.
You can force a tree up and over a wall, by binding it and bending it, tying it down with sticks and stakes so it can only grow in one allowable direction. But because it cant get what it needs to grow effeciently and effectively, it cant catch the light in the right way, or be rained on all over its branches, the tree will take a very, very long time to get any bigger, if it doesn't wither and die completely. By planting the tree next to the wall, watering it, feeding it, taking care and concern over it, letting it choose its own path upwards, it will grow as qucikly as it can, and one day, when the timing, growth, and situation is right, you can slimply climb up its branches and slip over.
Be good, be patient. Everything comes in time.
Raven said, "Good start".