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Girlfriend Dilema
Burna
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
This is an Alt, some people read these boards who would recognize my name that I don't want knowing about my personal life.
So last sunday my girlfriend and I got into a fight, it was a large fight and I told her that I needed an hour to think about everything and that I would call her and talk to her then. Now to preface this I am a bit insecure. I am a bit paranoid about her most recent ex however she hasn't spoken with him since they broke up so it isn't much of a problem.
But anyway, I spent about 45 minutes thinking before I called her back, in those 45 minutes she talked with 2 of her friends and then her old boyfriend. When she was explaining this all to me she told me that she spoke to him when she thought we might break up. Now this is the problem, it seems that the moment we might break up she starts talking to him again. The conversation apparently was just her for wasting his time. When she told me she knew I wasn't happy about it so she said that it didn't mean anything and she was just talking to him to put her past "pain" Behind her more (we have been dating 7 months now so I figured it was behind her) and that she didn't think about it she was just so upset that she just did it.
It's been a week and it has been eating at me, it seems like she wanted to start dating him again if we weren't going to be together. She has apologized multiple times for it and deleted him from all her phone and Msn, Myspace and such (I didn't ask her to). But I don't know if I can handle dating her or not. So I come here to get opinions mainly, am I over reacting or is this something that I should be bothered about?
So last sunday my girlfriend and I got into a fight, it was a large fight and I told her that I needed an hour to think about everything and that I would call her and talk to her then. Now to preface this I am a bit insecure. I am a bit paranoid about her most recent ex however she hasn't spoken with him since they broke up so it isn't much of a problem.
But anyway, I spent about 45 minutes thinking before I called her back, in those 45 minutes she talked with 2 of her friends and then her old boyfriend. When she was explaining this all to me she told me that she spoke to him when she thought we might break up. Now this is the problem, it seems that the moment we might break up she starts talking to him again. The conversation apparently was just her for wasting his time. When she told me she knew I wasn't happy about it so she said that it didn't mean anything and she was just talking to him to put her past "pain" Behind her more (we have been dating 7 months now so I figured it was behind her) and that she didn't think about it she was just so upset that she just did it.
It's been a week and it has been eating at me, it seems like she wanted to start dating him again if we weren't going to be together. She has apologized multiple times for it and deleted him from all her phone and Msn, Myspace and such (I didn't ask her to). But I don't know if I can handle dating her or not. So I come here to get opinions mainly, am I over reacting or is this something that I should be bothered about?
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It could have gone the dramedy route, where she breaks up with you to go back to him, but those relationships don't last more than a week or two anyway.
The point is, you had a fight, and she went to someone who she had an emotional connection with once, but obviously she regrets it and has taken measures to cut him out of her life without you needing to ask.
I don't think you're overreacting but I do think you need to man up and give it another shot.
Best of luck. :]
If my ex didn't get bugged out by listening to me talk about girls I date, I would've called her a number of times by now, and all that could have done was reignite chemistry.
But if she really was trying to bury him deeper, then don't worry about it.
I would say you're overreacting. But make sure she makes up for it. Don't let her think it didn't bother you - she needs to understand and you need to have some compensation for what just happened from my P.O.V.
All I have to say in closing is that it's a really weird time to be calling your ex to "put her past 'pain' behind her more." It would concern me as well. Maybe you and I are just people that overreact to things though..
On the flip side though, she deleted him from all of her contact lists without even being asked to. That shows that she's afraid of losing you to something as stupid as talking to an ex-boyfriend.
My current gf is the same way, she's not really in contact with most of her ex's, but there's one whom she is still quite close with. We're both pretty easy going, and we both trust each other very much, so she doesn't have a problem with me being close to ex's, and I've got no problem with her doing the same. They're a part of our lives, and we didn't see a reason to cut them out completely when we still have a connection.
This is just to illustrate that being in contact with an ex does not necessarily mean that someone is not content with their current relationship. It's very easy to read to much into that kind of thing, especially if you're not so confident, or if trust is an issue.
If it bothers you, make sure she knows it, and go from there. Honestly though, if she deleted him and such then she seems to acknowledge that you're not ok with it, and it looks like she really wants to make you happy and confident about things again.
Thing is, yah, she could have any man in the room. But she wants to be with me. I'm first, and not because others don't exist, but because as it stands, I am the better man for her.
Maybe she *would* date this guy if you were out of the picture. Doesn't mean jack other than to say he's taking up second place.
Anyways, if you trust her, then you shouldn't worry about it. Especially if she has taken measures since then to ensure that she won't be tempted to contact him.
Don't get me wrong. I have been in your shoes, and I know how absolutely nerve wracking it is. If she's worth it though, then don't let your jealousy and insecurity rip the two of you apart.
So maybe your situation stems more from the fact that your lady has to come to terms with the fact that the past is past, and you are with her now. I would just let her find her space with it, since pressuring her to cut a part of her life out doesn't help. Sounds like she's on the right track though. Best of luck.
-Ancient Dwarfish Proverb
My boyfriend is friends with his exes. The relationships didn't last long at all (1 month each), he's friends with a BUNCH of other girls, and even had a large crush on his best friend for a while before we started dating. I sometimes worry that he might start liking those women again (especially his best friend), but then I have to realize when I get all worried, that I trust him, and that I KNOW nothing is going to happen.
Relationships are all about trust. She may have dented that wall a little bit by calling her ex, but she definitely didn't break it down. I wouldn't break up with her because of that. That, in my opinion, would be dumb as this is just a tiny obstacle.
It would be different, however, if she fucked him. But she didn't.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
Just be "in" the relationship and not "of" the relationship; don't make it the focal point of your life or the sole source of your happiness. As long as the both of you stay positive and focused on each other, you should be in good shape. Good luck.
You know, it's weird. I have a couple of ex's that are friends and nothing more. Usually, it's because of the way we broke up. Others, there's a curiosity and a "what if" kind of feeling, but that's about it for me. As far as I'm concerned, those ships have sailed and I really only keep in touch with them because I just like talking to them. It's tricky business though, no doubt about that.
Frankly, if you two break up, it's none of your business if she runs back to him the moment the conversation ends. What is your business is how you deal with problems and your relationship up tio that point.
I do not believe it's ok to stay in contact with an ex.
An ex is an ex for a reason. When you decide to take a relationship to the "next level", in my opinion, you lose the ability to go back to being "just friends".
Why would you want to keep the past in your present?
Think of how this would make your significant other feel by keeping someone in your present life in which you have shared so much intimacy in the past. By keeping ex'es in the picture, even as just "friends" it's like saying, "There is something I need that I'm not getting from you, but I know I have that chemistry with my ex so I continue to keep them in my life".
Some things you just need to let go of and move on.... that's my opinion anyway.
Exactly! I completely agree. I just wish my boyfriend agreed with that. I have complete trust and faith in him, but it still bugged the hell out of me when he called up the girl he broke up with for me to chat for three hours and asked me to leave the room (we had been dating for over a year at this point), or when he used to get on instant messenger and do the same thing half the night.
It wasn't a trust thing. It was about whether he was willing to *actually* quit the other girl for me. It is never okay to keep talking to your ex unless you have children together or some other extraneous factor.
I stand on the other end of the spectrum. Never in a million years would I let a significant other dictate to me whom I can speak with or be friends with. Sure, you can voice concerns and let me know if you're uncomfortable with whatever relationship I have with an ex or a friend, and it can be discussed as to how to allay those fears, but to try and control over who can and cannot be spoken to is too much for me.
It depends entirely upon the relationships involved. I like one of my girlfriend's exes, she likes him, he's fun to hang out with for a bit. He's not a threat, she is dating me and I am so much cooler than he is.
She also doesn't shoo me away so she can have secret special conversations with him, though. So I mean, it's not as though you must sever contact with an ex or else you're a jerk, it's just that you should be respectful of your partner and their feelings. If they think you're spending far too much time with your ex, and you respect their opinion, consider spending less time with your ex. If you don't, consider why you're with them in the first place.
I am great friends with one of my exes. He was friends with my boyfriend before we started dating, and they still remain friends to this day. We have the overall group of friends, get invited to the same parties and all that good stuff. Once you become close to someone, especially if you meet them through friends, it'd too difficult to cut them out of your life without losing a few others along the way. Even then why would you, if they're good people who you'd like to spend time with later on, if not in a relationship sort of way.
My boyfriend and I still hang out (in a completely non-sexual way) with a girl he's spent some *ahem* quality time with, and she is totally rad, so I wouldn't have it any other way.
Basically, if people put petty shit and jealousy aside they can get along.
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
No, see you have insecurity issues and like to control people.
She is a person who is allowed to do things. I have excellent relationships with several of my ex's and I am not interested in them sexually at all I outgrew it my feelings for them.
Satans..... hints.....
You sir, are uncanny!
I have seen this situation often, well once, but extendedly, and it is both frustrating and tiresome.
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.