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Loneliness + Girls
Black Ice
Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
I have a girlfriend right now.. but I'm afraid to get too attached to her. I know I'll break up with her in a few months because of college reasons (we both realize it and have talked about it and decided to go on, and we both know we'll be great friends even when college starts - we aren't having sex or anything like that so it's not that hard for me), but I'm trying to live life under the philosophy that you should live every day as if it were your last, and that you should enjoy every moment you can. A lot of this spawns from the misery I've felt the past 4 years of my life..In other words, I'm in a relationship with one of my best friends - a girl I really do love, and love to be around - but I'm still plagued by something.
For the past 4 years of my life, every night I go to bed I feel a deep hollowness in my chest. I feel so lonely and empty. There are nights where I literally cry myself to sleep because I feel so lonely, and it's like the only thing that fills it is a girl. And it's true - when I have a girlfriend, I don't feel that way. I can fall asleep, but instead of feeling lonely and sad, I just think to myself "I wish I could see her and hold her" and I can fall asleep easily.
It's been a really huge problem for me because it also permeates my life during the day. I get lonely then, too. I know I can't rely on another person for my own happiness.. but being in a relationship is the only time in my life where I've truly been happy, and I know so much of my happiness was from that relationship. I know a relationship is supposed to add happiness, but I don't think it's supposed to make my happiness. I don't know how to enjoy myself when I'm single - I flirt with tons of girls, they call me and text me all of the time, it's awesome. They're hot and I have a huge selection to choose from, plus they're all good friends and aren't shallow (I know this sounds too good to be true..but trust me). But even during those times, I'm still single, and I still get sad.
Is this normal? I've tried antidepressants - I'm on Welbutrin right now, and it's given me the most help so far in the past 4 years but hasn't "cured" anything yet. I recently found out one of my girl friends (not my girlfriend I was referring to earlier, obviously) feels the same way as me - but she also had an abusive dad and has a hellish family. I know that depression is a serious problem in my family. My diabetic aunt tried to kill herself a few months ago the day the dumbass doctors pulled her medication and she went through a withdrawl and slashed her wrists and tried to O.D. on pills. My mom wakes up and bawls her eyes out every morning before I wake up, and a lot of times at night I walk into a room she's in and she's crying then too. My dad has always felt like he's walking "6 feet under" his entire life until he started taking medicine, too. I don't like the idea that I "need" medicine to cure something most people don't seem to have (severe depression, and I'm only 18) but it seems to be reality.
I can't stand feeling like this and I'm so lost.
For the past 4 years of my life, every night I go to bed I feel a deep hollowness in my chest. I feel so lonely and empty. There are nights where I literally cry myself to sleep because I feel so lonely, and it's like the only thing that fills it is a girl. And it's true - when I have a girlfriend, I don't feel that way. I can fall asleep, but instead of feeling lonely and sad, I just think to myself "I wish I could see her and hold her" and I can fall asleep easily.
It's been a really huge problem for me because it also permeates my life during the day. I get lonely then, too. I know I can't rely on another person for my own happiness.. but being in a relationship is the only time in my life where I've truly been happy, and I know so much of my happiness was from that relationship. I know a relationship is supposed to add happiness, but I don't think it's supposed to make my happiness. I don't know how to enjoy myself when I'm single - I flirt with tons of girls, they call me and text me all of the time, it's awesome. They're hot and I have a huge selection to choose from, plus they're all good friends and aren't shallow (I know this sounds too good to be true..but trust me). But even during those times, I'm still single, and I still get sad.
Is this normal? I've tried antidepressants - I'm on Welbutrin right now, and it's given me the most help so far in the past 4 years but hasn't "cured" anything yet. I recently found out one of my girl friends (not my girlfriend I was referring to earlier, obviously) feels the same way as me - but she also had an abusive dad and has a hellish family. I know that depression is a serious problem in my family. My diabetic aunt tried to kill herself a few months ago the day the dumbass doctors pulled her medication and she went through a withdrawl and slashed her wrists and tried to O.D. on pills. My mom wakes up and bawls her eyes out every morning before I wake up, and a lot of times at night I walk into a room she's in and she's crying then too. My dad has always felt like he's walking "6 feet under" his entire life until he started taking medicine, too. I don't like the idea that I "need" medicine to cure something most people don't seem to have (severe depression, and I'm only 18) but it seems to be reality.
I can't stand feeling like this and I'm so lost.
Black Ice on
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All that being said - how old are you? Because I went through much of the same shit in high school. The pain will fade as time goes by. What was taken, you won't miss, or you'll replace.
As for that whole cry yourself to sleep at night/"my whole family is depressed and nuts, therefor so am I" thing (which, coming from a family with a history of attempted suicide, addiction, and bipolar disorder, is a total cop-out and a crappy excuse for feeling bad):
Drugs can only take you so far - attitude and frame of mind will always, always trump drugs in terms of producing satisfaction. Don't blame things on your genes; your chemical make up isn't all of what you are.
Aeschylus said it best:
“Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times”
Nothing is going to cure depression or the loneliness you feel. You can never do that. You are going to struggle and toil under it your entire life. I suggest you learn to cope and take on a grateful attitude.
Go to the gym. Find other things to do and hang out with other people.
Be glad about who you are and the life you have; you have friends who like you apparently, so how can you be lonely? You are loved whether you have a romantic relationship or not.
Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you find yourself thinking those negative thoughts.
Meditate.
Basing your own well-being on the presence of other people is not something I can advise, both though logic and personal experience.
You and I seem a lot alike. I too know the feeling of going to bed empty inside nearly every night, wishing so badly for the happiness only the love of another human being can provide. I feel like any advice I may have (or better yet, the simple ear of someone willing to listen) would better serve you on a more one-on-one basis. Instant messenger, perhaps? PM me if you'd like to exchange screen names and talk.
And just as a P.S., I'm 19. More or less, I am partly (and have probably fully been) exactly where you are right now. Chin up. To be a walking cliche, it can't rain all the time.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
I can't say I understand your situations but its good that you're not sleeping with this girl yet because it does seem like you get extremely attached easily (probably because you're desperate to fill that void of emptiness).
See, I've heard this but to be honest I don't completely believe it. I was quite happy being single for a long time but the longer you go unloved the sadder you become. I don't know that there's a way around the feelings of loneliness, if there is I haven't found it, but the most important thing is to try and not let it have an adverse effect on the rest of your life, for instance not investing yourself too heavily in other people just because you want something to patch a hole.
Truth. Though it's always advisable to at least try finding other things to take solace in, it's hard when you're a hopeless romantic (myself included) and put such a high value in the concept of love and finding said love.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
I have no idea who that is, but that's definitely the point to make.
I's easy to fall into a continual downward spiral of misery. It's as easy as choosing not to do anything.
Ultimately I find that 'frustration' comes from doing what you can towards your goals and still having difficulty actually achieving anything. That's something you learn to deal with as part of life, you just need to learn to ignore it, not let it get you down, and keep moving regardless.
Feelings of actual 'misery' on the other hand I find tend to stem from things that you are actually capable of working towards a solution for, and that you are simply unwilling to motivate yourself to act towards.
It's important to know which is which when you're feeling down, and act accordingly. Sometimes, thing's are going to be bad for you and you just need to remember how good a situation you really are in, how much you've really got going for you. You'll come out of it in the end.
Other times, when there's something you can do about it, if you're not taking action towards a solution then you're just going to get deeper and deeper into a pit of depression.
Far more than any medicine it's your attitude towards life that's going to make you feel good or bad about yourself. Get to the gym or just do some regular exercise (everyone suggests this, and they suggest it because it works. A healthy body is important to a healthy mind, I cannot overstate this ). It'll help you to feel more positive about yourself. And in general think positive, and take steps to better yourself in things you want to.
As for the specific issue at hand of feeling loneliness, I honestly can't comment too much on that. All that I can offer is to try and get out there and mix with people more. You say you're heading to college soon, believe it or not, that's the ideal time to really get out there with people and make some real friends. Frankly, I had a sucky time with most of the people I knew from school, it was only when I got to university and staying on campus that I really got tto meet people who had similar interests to me. At school I was also feeling largely lonely becuase of this, it was easy to get depressed about things. Talk to people, don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with someone you've only just met, join clubs. Trust me, it's easier than you think
I still feel this way though.
I think it's great that you're asking for help. Especially at your age it's a really mature choice. So kudos for you. What your feeling is normal. I don't say that to discredit it or imply that you should suck it up and just choose to be happy. It doesn't work that way. But since a lot of people your age go through this, there's a lot of support out there for you. You might consider speaking with a counselor. Your school probably has one, or if you don't feel comfortable going that route check your local yellow pages. There are lots of places that will offer free counseling, especially to someone your age. If you feel you might benefit from anti-depressants that would be the place to ask about them. Your at a tricky age for some psychotropics, so you should speak with a qualified professional on that front. (Some drugs can be dangerous for teens, but a psychologist/psychiatrist will be able to figure out what is appropriate for you). You sound like you have a lot to look forward to in the next few years, but I understand how overwhelming it can be. If it's anything, it really does get easier. Right now, dealing with girlfriends and college admissions and financial aide and whatnot, is not indicative of how the next 4 years will be. You sound like someone who will have a great time at college (what with not being a social reject and all
Personally (and I know this is only my opinion), but I've never found school counselors to be a great option -and I am speaking from personal experience here. Usually, a counselor will either jump to conclusions (which are usually wrong or way exaggerated), or give simplistic advice that doesn't help. I've talked to several counselors during my tenure in high school, and I can say confidently that not a one gave me any help that a good friend couldn't give tenfold.
Drugs are, as stated above, iffy. Sometimes they can help. But they're a crutch. In the end, without using them as mainly a stepping stone (still maintaining the positive attitude, working at it, etc.), you're only going to make things worse.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
Actually, recent data tells us it's only normal for the first phase of the relationship, not the long run. All the information the psychological community has on this topic points to the fact that relationships, even marriage, only provide peaks of happiness in the beginning. After this initial phase, a person reverts to their previous levels of happiness.
This was also shown true for lottery winners and those having newborn children, dispelling myths that enormous wealth and children also increase satisfaction and overall happiness in life.
So I'd say it's pretty vital that a person find ways to be happy regardless of relationship status, as it seems to guarantee no lasting benefits.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
The better part of two years is pretty long for a "first phase" of a relationship.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
VVVVVVV
On the other hand, you can't rely on someone else to provide you with all of the happiness you will ever need. You need to find a way to validate yourself, to have some kind of purpose. Do you plan to go to college? That's a nice goal to have, and for me I love to think of all of the things I could do in my field after I graduate. It makes me feel important, and I have some lofty goals even though I'm not an ambitious person. I want to leave my mark in society, and that drives me forward.
I've struggled with depression since I was about 10 years old. I have had depression for over a year now, but it's getting better. If you have it, you have to push through it and realize that some things are symptoms of depression, like tiredness, lack of motivation and low self-confidence. Don't let it get you down, it's a sickness and it can be beaten just like any other sickness. But if you are truly unhappy, maybe it's time to step back and analyze your life and possibly get some help.
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I think many of us know the whole shtick a penguin goes through finding the perfect pebble on a beach to give to its mate. Touching, imo.
Something not a lot of people know though is doves mate for life. They have only one mate. If one of them dies, you might as well consider them both dead.
Love is a powerful thing. Something everyone should have a right to feel. Yes, an attempt to find other happiness outside it is all well and good, but fuck...even animals less intelligent than us know that you're missing a vital piece to the puzzle of life without love.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
I'll agree with that analogy. The main difference though being (as long as you stay away from metronamially's suggestion) heroine is the only of the two that can kill you. Heartbreak and loneliness just...feels like it can kill you sometimes.
"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
In which case the living survivor seeks out another reproducing mate. Animals may show instinctual responses that resemble what one would consider 'love' (or rather a connection to another being for the sake of genetic continuation), but they lack the higher level cognitive abilities that humans have.
Please stop trying to be so poetic, you are dealing with extremes. Not having a girlfriend isn't going to make you keel over. Nor should it have hold over your overall wellness.
Love is a powerful thing, yes, YES, Y. E. S. But having a girlfriend isn't the basis of your life. If you cannot function without a romantic relationship, then how are you going to function in a long term relationship (5+ years)? What happens what you hit a rough spot? When you are doubting the relationship? When you reach the hurdles that many people do in their long term relationships?
You will get no where without trying to be happy. I was in a similar position as you and stressed out about having a girlfriend. I thought it would cure everything, all my problems. Because love cures all. Luckily I got my head together and was given some good advice by some friends of mine. I kept it cool, maintained my social life, and TRIED to feel better. I made an effort to find out why I felt so bad, and fixed them. I got a hobby, I got passionate about something. You need to fix it, because you aren't always going to be in a relationship. And you are better off being happy during that time than miserable.
What you are describing is codependence and it is unhealthy. If you cannot be happy with yourself, and if you are not a whole person even when you are single, why would anyone awesome want to date you? They don't want to date a mopey half-person, they want to date an awesome person.
Also 2 years is actually exactly the length of time I would describe as the first phase of a relationship, in the context of couples that go on to get married. It may seem like a long term relationship in high school or even college, but in adult relationships, its the length of time needed to get past the excitement of newness and start to grow as a couple.
To the OP: There is some good advice in this thread, and it seems like you are recognizing it pretty well. The biggest thing I would add is that you really ought to love yourself. And, by "love yourself" I don't mean think you are super-awesome-perfect guy. Nor do I mean you should spank it a lot. What I mean is that you need to give yourself love. Be kind in your own self judgments. Be willing to accept the things that make you happy. Be patient with the mistakes you make, and be willing to laugh at the ridiculousness that is your life sometimes like you would at a kitten unable to untangle itself from a ball of string.
Basically, think of how your ideal partner would treat you, the energy they'd give you, the encouragment and kindness... and give that to yourself. When you learn how to do that, you can give that love to other people better, and accept that love with some joy instead of just need (if that makes sense).
The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want
If you're interested in reading about what current science can tell us about how to feel happy, this is an excellent start.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
1. Anti-depressants only take you so far. Personally I need them right now because I have biological problems that keep me from being happy regardless of my current situation. Your situation is, well, situational and it means you have the capability to be happy, you just need to do it. (Not saying it is easy.)
2. Happiness is definately a choice at times and it can be hard work that takes discipline. The key that helps me is to look at other perspectives. It is not easy to remove yourself from the situation and scope out more realistic options than just moping around miserable but it really helps if you can actually do it. Humans are social creatures, sure; we are also egocentric and it makes it hard sometimes to get over ourselves.
3. Awesome girls like happy guys. Seriously. They always say it, but confidence really is key. A girl I love dearly hated being around me at first because I was always down and looking for sympathy. Now we are pretty much inseprable and she looks foward to seeing me on a daily basis. All of that because I realized people don't like being around downers, it brings them down. So just act happy regardless of how miserable you are. Smile, have fun and for God's sake, get out and do stuff.
Personally, I think independence is both an admirable trait and one that does unnecessary harm to many - it's not a great leap from being an "independent person" to operating almost within a state of solipsism, where you can just get what you want or need from people until better opportunities arise. It's prevalent in younger people, and it's popularity is growing as youth gains more and more focus in society.
I agree with others in this thread that you should do your best to grow as a person without becoming dependent on any single person. General happiness comes from many things (but unfortunately, is statistically inversely related to intelligence) including your relationships with others, but it really comes down to wanting things. If you always want more, you'll never be satisfied. Buddha said it, and so did Nietzsche: the only real way to be happy is to love who you are and what your life is, and want nothing different. Barring that (it's a near-impossible ideal, after all), make sure you smile (it really helps) and find something that makes you happy at the very deepest part of you...
I'm probably in the minority on this forum in saying that you are really facing a spiritual issue and are going about things the wrong way by treating it as a strictly physical problem (although I recognize that many do in fact suffer from depression as a physical disease)...
If anything I said piques your interest, I suggest you read Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. It's a small novel, and it deals with just this sort of feeling (I'm not a Buddhist, either, if you're suspecting). If I'm just being a wishy-washy annoyance, then feel free to disregard what I say.
I've ordered the book, there are some stellar reviews for it. Thank you, I look forward to reading it.
I feel like I don't know what I want in my life. How do I actively seek out a lifestyle if I don't know what kind I want?
Those are words of truth. I honestly feel like I can pick up almost any girl that I want to because I can put on that facade of happiness, confidence, and easy come, easy go. And it lasts for a while, but hours later I can't do it anymore. I don't have the energy, it seems pointless, I don't know what to do, I feel lost, and I want someone.
I've been thinking about it a lot for the past 2 years but only within the last few days have I felt like I've made some progress as to why I feel like this. I think the reason I feel like I need a relationship is because I don't know what I want in my life other than a girl. I can have great grades (like I said, I've got a 4.5 GPA, I got into Pepperdine and a number of other schools that have an acceptance rate of 10-12% this year) and concentrate on schoolwork but it doesn't fill the void of purpose. I still feel like I'm not working towards anything important, and I don't enjoy anything except women - and I love it when I become exclusive with one. But it's not an easy thing to get out of, it's just like a drug - I know that analogy has been used in this thread at least once and it's a good one.