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Grieving advice?

Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
edited April 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
So, I found out this morning that an old friend of mine was killed in Iraq on Friday. I've tried a couple times to write this post but I can't seem to get my thoughts together. Basically, it's all I can think about but I can't afford to dwell on it considering I have a paper due tomorrow. Unfortunately the paper is about WWII so it's not too many synaptic leaps to dead soldiers. And I JUST now realized the class is U.S. Military History and the book we're currently on is all about the Iraq War. Great. Awesome. I suppose the good news is that I managed to distract myself enough to not realize that but I'm not getting any work done nor do I think this is healthy. I am at a loss as to how to proceed.

[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
Nohbody8 on

Posts

  • ddahcmaiddahcmai Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Is there any way you could notify your professor of what happened?
    I think they might understand that the life of a friend is more important than a paper, and give you an extension.

    ddahcmai on
  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Perhaps. I really would rather not though. I don't think I could handle a "no" right now and the coincidental nature of it all does not bode well for me with this professor.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • McVikingMcViking Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    First of all, I'm sincerely sorry to hear about your loss. (I know it's what you're supposed to say, but it's still true.) Secondly, since you asked, my advice would be to ask for help, and not just here. The fact that you're asking for grieving advice on a message board and can't concentrate on anything else probably means that you want to and are ready to talk about it. If you've got close friends, now is the time to rely on them. Whether you've got close friends or not, I'd recommend talking to your school's counseling service. Even if you think they'll be useless, the one thing they will do if you make an appointment is to send a note to the dean of students who will in turn notify your professors, and you'll get the extension if you need it.

    McViking on
  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    I don't even know why this is bothering me as much as it is. He wasn't my lifelong best friend or anything like that. I only knew him for the semester I was in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M. I suppose I always underestimated the impact that experience had on me.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • Shazkar ShadowstormShazkar Shadowstorm Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    School's counseling service is nice... I avoided it until recently, but it helps and it can't hurt. Someone to talk to who is guaranteed to not repeat what you say to anyone else.

    Shazkar Shadowstorm on
    poo
  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    I'll look into some counseling. For some reason, the idea of breaking down in front of my wife paralyzes me with fear.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • JihadJesusJihadJesus Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Nohbody8 wrote: »
    Perhaps. I really would rather not though. I don't think I could handle a "no" right now and the coincidental nature of it all does not bode well for me with this professor.
    If the professor gives you shit, go over his head. Just about every school will offer hardship withdrawls for things like this that effect your ability to actually do the work for the class. Generally you'll prove that it happened, obviously, and they'll drop the class for you without punishment (it may or may not stay on your transcript, depending on the school).

    JihadJesus on
  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Thanks for the suggestion.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • RyadicRyadic Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Yeah, I'm sorry about your loss. Sad to hear. Best thing to do is what you think is right, and obviously you're not up to do this paper to the best of your ability, so best thing to do is try to get extension or something.
    Nohbody8 wrote: »
    I don't even know why this is bothering me as much as it is. He wasn't my lifelong best friend or anything like that. I only knew him for the semester I was in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M. I suppose I always underestimated the impact that experience had on me.

    That's not a big deal either. I have some friends that I have known for like a 8 months at most and we have hung out a few times here and there. If this happened to them I would feel like you as well. They weren't the best of friends, but I enjoyed hanging out with them and stuff, yah know? I'm assuming this is the first person you know that's been killed from the war? I would assume it to be the shock of the situation, but that doesn't mean that your greif is any less important.

    Ryadic on
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  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Ryadic wrote: »
    I'm assuming this is the first person you know that's been killed from the war? I would assume it to be the shock of the situation, but that doesn't mean that your greif is any less important.

    I think that is it. I've known girls I had crushes on for much longer than this friend who died tragic deaths in equally pointless car accidents and they didn't affect me as much as this guy's death. It's looking more and more like this school business is going to be a non-issue considering I may have to withdraw in order for my plan to join the Air Force to continue.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • CylaranaCylarana Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    I know what you mean. I found out by chance (reading a Denver newspaper online) that a high school buddy of mine died in Fallujah. Talk about a punch to the nuts. So I understand where you're coming from. If you can show it to your proff (a newsclip or something) then I'd say do it. I'm sorry for your loss (and his death). I've been there, and I still don't have any good advice. I remember getting rip roaring drunk when I heard about Dustin.

    Cylarana on
  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Cylarana wrote: »
    I remember getting rip roaring drunk when I heard about Dustin.

    As much as that might hit the spot right now, it's not an option when you're married to a woman who has issues caused by the alcoholic members of her family.

    One other thing I just realized about this whole thing is that as much as this war sucks, not that many people have died compared to other wars. The fact that someone I knew was one of those relatively few 4000+ seems to make it even worse.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • CIPHERHILLCIPHERHILL __BANNED USERS regular
    edited April 2008
    Write what you can, if it sucks, tell the professor you want to do it over and tell him why.

    CIPHERHILL on
  • ihmmyihmmy Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    talk to the prof

    know anyone else who was friends with him? go spend time with them. grieve together. it can help

    as for the wifely... this may sound a little odd, but girls like it when you (occasionally) break down... it shows that you trust that chick, wholly and completely, enough that you're willing to just let loose emotionally around them. I'm not saying you don't have to. But chances of it being received in a mean way are probably pretty darn slim

    ihmmy on
  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    ihmmy wrote: »
    know anyone else who was friends with him?

    Unfortunately not. I met this guy in college.
    ihmmy wrote: »
    as for the wifely... this may sound a little odd, but girls like it when you (occasionally) break down... it shows that you trust that chick, wholly and completely, enough that you're willing to just let loose emotionally around them. I'm not saying you don't have to. But chances of it being received in a mean way are probably pretty darn slim

    I'm not worried about her being mean about it. It's just that in seven years I haven't really been all that emotional in front of her. I can't really imagine doing it now after all that time.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • Black IceBlack Ice Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
    edited April 2008
    There's a first time for everything. Then again, it could shake her up since, as you said, you've never really broken down like that before.

    But I'd say.. that's what your wife is there for, to support you.

    Black Ice on
  • PeachstrudlePeachstrudle Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    An important thing is to let the Professor know, even if you are planning on doing the work. It will reflect badly on you, and seem like you're just making excuses, if you attempt the paper, fail and ask to rewrite it without previously mentioning you had problems.
    Did your college assign you a personal tutor, or a guide or some member of staff you can talk to for problems relating to your course?

    Peachstrudle on
  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Nohbody8 wrote: »
    It's looking more and more like this school business is going to be a non-issue considering I may have to withdraw in order for my plan to join the Air Force to continue.

    This turned out to be the case. Thanks for all the advice on what to do none-the-less. Now I just have to figure out how to stop feeling numb.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • DealwithitDealwithit Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Being a servicemember myself who has had a friend who has died in combat in Iraq on tour, it is a crushing feeling to find out that someone you have known has fallen and passed on no matter how close or loose the association. Just because you only knew them for short time doesn't make it any less tragic or diminish your right to mourn a loss of a friend. Even if you can't speak with anyone that knew your friend personally, it will help if you can speak to someone who is willing to listen be there for you. If you can't verbalize the words, it can help if your able to write a letter to express a good memory you have of your friend and send it to his/her family if your able to. This will at least give you an outlet to relieve the shock that is holding you back from expressing your grief. My condolences, I am sorry for your loss.

    Dealwithit on
  • Nohbody8Nohbody8 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Should I be worried that I have lost complete motivation to do anything I absolutely do not have to do? For instance, I fully intended to go running at 10:00. Instead, I slept until 1:00 when I HAD to get ready for work.

    Nohbody8 on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "We're the middle children of history, man."
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    I don't think you should be too worried unless this becomes a pattern. It's normal to be a little depressed for a while (thus not motivated) when dealing with the death of someone close to you.

    witch_ie on
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