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Will I ever get over it?
albion
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey, I'd like some serious advice.
I'll keep this blunt or else I'll ramble because the topic tends to make me frustrated to no end and I'm known as the calmest person with my friends.
Met a girl at university in October.
She for some reason, I've been told I'm attractive and that fact that I actually treat women respectfully at university isn't as common as it should be, likes me as soon as she sees me.
Turns out her and a previous good friend of mine had hooked up 3 times in September. I later asked her why she did it. She said she was in a really bad place emotionally (I asked her because the guy is a fucking creep, his nickname at school is the rapist because he goes to parties and hits on drunk girls whilst sober(I honestly can't stand even the sight of the guy anymore))
She said she was never a person who had people interested in them and the fact that he showed interest in her, she didn't want to say no.
I guess this will be a bit longer than imagined. She was drinking one night, he asked her back to his room. They started making out, she said no to advances but he kept going and she just gave in and let it happen because, and I quote, she didn't want to upset him, or some bs. Also she had a boyfriend back in her hometown when this happened. But she said she knew it was over and had tried to break up with him.
That right there makes me hate the fucking guy, if that had happened in my town/city he'd have been fucking curb stomped. I'd never act like that so I can expect others to not.
But then she goes back a few more times, fuck.
Anyways I guess it's obvious I'm a bit frustrated, I'm going to the gym after typing this and fucking squating until I can't walk.
I knew they had hooked up but in December we end up becoming a lot closer. In January we start dating. I didn't know that she had said no, he kept advancing and that she just gave in. I don't know, if this hadn't happened I feel as though I could be with her a long time. But it just bugs the fuck out of me. When I think too much about it my head just spins.
I'm a very calm, reserved person. I've had girls like me all my life. I've never dated before though. I just don't know what to do. I had never kissed a girl before going to university. (That's actually a really good story)
Conclusion: I thought I could be mature enough to let the past be the past. I'm not sure if it has to do with being mature. I just can't stand the idea of her giving in so easy to a slimball like that. We've talked about it before but it still bothers me. I think both times she ends up crying. Last time she ran away when she asked me what I was thinking about, in reality I was thinking this could be the reason I break up with her, but I said I was just thinking.
Sorry this is so long, it's a long story. I wanted to include all the parts.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I've been dealing with this for quite sometime. Any opinions, anything would help.
edit* sorry if my grammar is terrible at some spots, thinking, alone typing this makes me very distraught.
I'll keep this blunt or else I'll ramble because the topic tends to make me frustrated to no end and I'm known as the calmest person with my friends.
Met a girl at university in October.
She for some reason, I've been told I'm attractive and that fact that I actually treat women respectfully at university isn't as common as it should be, likes me as soon as she sees me.
Turns out her and a previous good friend of mine had hooked up 3 times in September. I later asked her why she did it. She said she was in a really bad place emotionally (I asked her because the guy is a fucking creep, his nickname at school is the rapist because he goes to parties and hits on drunk girls whilst sober(I honestly can't stand even the sight of the guy anymore))
She said she was never a person who had people interested in them and the fact that he showed interest in her, she didn't want to say no.
I guess this will be a bit longer than imagined. She was drinking one night, he asked her back to his room. They started making out, she said no to advances but he kept going and she just gave in and let it happen because, and I quote, she didn't want to upset him, or some bs. Also she had a boyfriend back in her hometown when this happened. But she said she knew it was over and had tried to break up with him.
That right there makes me hate the fucking guy, if that had happened in my town/city he'd have been fucking curb stomped. I'd never act like that so I can expect others to not.
But then she goes back a few more times, fuck.
Anyways I guess it's obvious I'm a bit frustrated, I'm going to the gym after typing this and fucking squating until I can't walk.
I knew they had hooked up but in December we end up becoming a lot closer. In January we start dating. I didn't know that she had said no, he kept advancing and that she just gave in. I don't know, if this hadn't happened I feel as though I could be with her a long time. But it just bugs the fuck out of me. When I think too much about it my head just spins.
I'm a very calm, reserved person. I've had girls like me all my life. I've never dated before though. I just don't know what to do. I had never kissed a girl before going to university. (That's actually a really good story)
Conclusion: I thought I could be mature enough to let the past be the past. I'm not sure if it has to do with being mature. I just can't stand the idea of her giving in so easy to a slimball like that. We've talked about it before but it still bothers me. I think both times she ends up crying. Last time she ran away when she asked me what I was thinking about, in reality I was thinking this could be the reason I break up with her, but I said I was just thinking.
Sorry this is so long, it's a long story. I wanted to include all the parts.
Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I've been dealing with this for quite sometime. Any opinions, anything would help.
edit* sorry if my grammar is terrible at some spots, thinking, alone typing this makes me very distraught.
albion on
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I understand your feelings about it, but just let her know you care and you're there for her. Tell her how you feel and everything.
On a deeper level, sounds like this girl might have some self esteem issues that could've led to what happened. Doesn't make her a bad person for doing it. People have sex for a ton of different reasons, and as long as it has happened before you came along, it shouldn't affect you. It's perfectly normal for it to bother you, but just because your girlfriend had a life before you doesn't give you the right to hold it against her.
You don't want to let that guy CONTINUE to stir shit up in your life. The sooner you forget him and realize you were the guy she's been waiting for (not him), then you can get on with things.
If you're playing GTA4, there's that character that starts with a B who says everything is alpha and works out. That's pretty much him.
I'm not sure how things work in Canada, or here for that matter, but you might want to look into talking to some sort of law enforcement agency about options. They might not be able to do anything but maybe you can get him into the system. Worth a shot if this guy, and his disgusting actions, bother you so much.
There are tons of assholes in the world. You can't curbstomp them all. Forget about it and enjoy what you have. At least you know she ended up with a better guy in the end. And don't keep bringing it up, or leave this girl over it. If she's a nice girl that would be colossally stupid.
I really like my gf's ex boy friend. He's a major dude. Just throwin that in there.
No. Bad advice. Don't get involved with the guy at all, even in some dumb attempt to bring him to justice.
Don't give him too much rent in your head and give it time. You'll be actively bothered by it less and less until you don't even think about it. Focus on what you have now so you can actually be productive in your relationship.
I was talking to her, my gf, last night and she was saying the way I treat her is amazing and she's never been with someone who treats her so well.
I don't know. I'll just have to see where this takes me. Sometimes I really like her and feel connected, other times I feel as though she just wants to be with me because I'm a possible catch. (I don't mean to sound vain)
She told me her or her friends have referred to me as a prince charming character because of things I've done and times I've been there for her. I feel almost as if I can connect to most people on a level, I just hope there's a deeper connection taking place with her and I.
I had let the whole thing go for months. Then one night it came back and I honestly was incredibly mad. Mad at the whole thing, how he was such a dirtbag, mad that after saying no she stayed there, then goes back to him a couple times. I've never gotten into a fight in my life. I'm known as being very passive and I get along with pretty much everyone. I've never been so distressed and agitated over something before.
I guess pretty much I have to let the past be the past, even though I've always had trouble letting grudges, etc go, and hope I start feeling more comfortable in this relationship. Thanks for the replies, anymore would be welcomed.
Grow the fuck up.
Guy's a slimeball. She has low self-esteem. Sometimes slimeballs get lucky when they find these types of girls. You railing on this girl and making her feel like shit for letting him take advantage is only making her self-esteem worse. If you can't get over this, and I mean now, then you need to get out of this relationship for her sake.
I know this isn't the focus of the thread, but tell these friends that it's none of their goddamn business how she does or doesn't treat you. If your happy that is all that matters, their criteria for what's good enough isn't in the equation.
Be nice about it the first time, and blunt if it continues to happen.
I stress this because my girlfriend now won't even hang out with my normal friends a lot of the time because one of them was a cock about this issue and decided he needed to run his mouth about it all the time. It's a shitty situation to have to segregate your girlfriend from your buddies.
She's not wronging you. If she does, fuck her.
Now is what counts. She is thankful and seemingly happy with you, and you with her. Stop sabotaging yourself by worrying about what some piece of shit did with her.
Sex is the easiest thing in the world. It has to be, it's responsible for the propagation of the human race and all life. This is also evidenced by the fact that fucktards like him can get laid.
Forming a lasting, happy relationship isn't easy. Don't fuck it up if you're happy.
The best you can do is try to ease her regret by accepting that she's not going to do that now... and knowing that if for some reason she DOES, then (and only then) it will need to be addressed. Until or unless she does it again, there's no use torturing yourself for it.
If she does end up doing it again though, that changes the ball game entirely, for obvious reasons. But it sounds like she'd be sabotaging everything good she has if she does that, so the person who has the most to lose by such a move is her.
This is terrible, terrible advice, obviously from the perspective of someone who has never been in a similar situation.
But to advise the original poster, yes, you will get over it, and unfortunately, it will take considerable time. I had a similar situation (girlfriend was with a douchey guy, he cheated, she STAYED with him (the first time)) and it caused me to nearly lose it when I thought about it for a while (months.) Made me physically ill. It was all because I cared so much about her and was so crazy about her, if she was nothing to me I wouldn't really have given a damn...ultimately, I got over it. You will too. It just takes time.
Doesn't feel like it when you're in the physical pain phase, though, and I feel for ya.
When did trying to prevent sexual abuse become dumb?
Thanks for the great reply, I remember reading your posts when I used to read here a lot, I never posted much though.
I've never cared for someone like this before. I've never sat with someone in a hospital not related to me, I've never cared for someone's wellbeing so much. That's why it's hard to hear about what she did. Especially when the douche makes random comments about her body when we're both there.
It sounds like what you had happen is similar. I really want to like her, but what she did I can't agree with although I can understand why it happened. But cheating on your boyfriend with a huge douche even after you try to get him to stop...
I know she really likes me. She was the first to tell me she loved me. All of a sudden one night she got really happy, I can't describe the level of happiness (opening day Star Wars giddiness...), I asked her why and eventually after telling her to trust me, she told me she loved me. It was really sweet of her.
Thanks for all of the great replies. I think just getting this out and seeing people talk about it that hadn't already formed opinions on it really helped me out. I am glad she's apart of my life, it does make sense that she has more to loose, to put it bluntly. It seems she's she still has some self-esteem issues, but I know I've helped. She knows I'm there for her, I have been since I've known her. She's seen how I'll help friends no matter what. I guess I just need to work on trusting her more, I know I don't trust her 100% yet but I'd like to.
PS. We now live 10 hours away from each other for the summer until we get back to campus for next year
Quite the contrary, I'm afraid.
does your school provide counselling for students? This may be something that a professional opinion could help out with
it was before we met.
I just didn't understand why someone would sleep with someone after saying no, but I guess it comes down to self-esteem issues and what she was going through at that time.
I'm very black or white on some issues but I'm not as mad at her anymore. Maybe I feel she was taken advantage of, which she was, so that bothers me because I really care for her.
I definitely can't stay friends with that guy, I've known that for quite a while, I always ended up seeing him almost daily because he's friends with 2 of my best friends at school. That wasn't a nice reminder.
I realize reading this with no emotions tied in should make it seem like I'm an idiot being frustrated by things, but when emotions are tied in over a period of 6 months or more it's different. I know I should forget it and be happy with her, I am. My heard does skip when I see her for the first time even if it's just a day later and I've never felt so close to someone before.
I think thread can fade away now unless someone feels the need to add to it. I'm going to bed anyways.
Thanks for all the replies. It kinda gave me a new view on things.
Sorry to hear that
I don't understand, however, how you can tell him to grow up and also to leave the relationship if he can't get over it right this minute if you've truly been there. That's not helpful, useful advice and I might add, it's contrary to what professional counselors (on the internet, anyway) have to say on the subject...I know, when I was looking for solace I did the same thing, came to forums and posted about it, but I also looked around for similar cases.
It takes time to get over. It's understandable to feel all the mixed emotions, conflicting ones...part of you wants to "defend her honor," but shit, how could she possibly be so stupid? How can I be with someone who would DO something that stupid? Ultimately, it ends up taking some self-reflection and identification with the situation...a lot of us wouldn't be so different in similar situations (let the man who has never been with the wrong girl for the wrong reasons cast the first stone, because I sure as fuck know I can't)
What it really takes is a commitment to the relationship, if you really are serious about it, to work through those feelings, and doing it without hurting the other party. If you're constantly being emotionally abusive towards her for it, then yes, that's an unhealthy situation and it may be better for both of you to get out of it. If you can keep that to an absolute minimum, then you'll be able to work through it.
But no one can tell someone to drop their feelings overnight. People feel the way they do. If he could drop it, I'm sure he would, I know I would have enjoyed not spending a few months going through periods of anguish and pain every few days.
Before my boyfriend and I got together, he dated a girl who was so not right for him that I'm surprised God Himself didn't reach down and separate them, a girl who more-or-less sexually assaulted him, and a speed freak, among others. I dated a guy who was equally wrong for me and often made me feel like shit, who would yell at me for making jokes about GI JOE and not wanting to get married and have babies at 19. I also went on a terribly, clearly sketchy date and was raped, despite the massive warning signs that the guy was dangerous. Obviously, we both have done stupid things previously, in relationships and otherwise. I'm not going to pretend that these were good things, but they did have a couple of good effects in making us the people we are now, if only that we know not to put up with that kind of bullshit anymore.
The thing is, though, that everyone has done unwise things in the past. You and this girl are young, you're both learning to deal with being away from home and "grown-up." If you drink, I'm sure you've had an incident where you drank too much accidentally and got sick, or you know someone who has. When you learned to drive, you probably had a couple of near-misses, took a turn too sharply, maybe scraped the rearview mirror on something. It happens. People make mistakes when they're learning, and this girl has been learning about relationships and sexuality.
It's scary when you really want someone, anyone to like you in this weird new environment, and you're with this guy who keeps saying flattering things to you, and even though you're uncomfortable it can be a lot more uncomfortable to hurt someone's feelings by saying "no," so you end up going along with things. She made a mistake, but a very understandable one. Next time you start freaking out over the idea of her and this skuzzball guy, take a deep breath, and remember dumb things that you've done that have led to you knowing better. You can forgive yourself for, say, dinging your mom's car when you were 16, you can forgive her for getting into a bad relationship.
This entire post is excellent. People do things that aren't necessarily the right or even the smartest thing to do. It really is what you learn from them and how you make yourself a better person.
The past is the past, accept that you've probably done something you're not proud of, and that she has as well. If you like her, and it seems you do care about her, stick with her. You shouldn't give up on someone over some history, you're with her as she is now.
One of the best parts about being young is being able to make mistakes and move on. And also to learn to forgive those that also do. It sounds like you really want to be able to move on and to stick it out. I think you'll do just that.
Because from what I've read, he's blaming her for this almost as much as he blames the guy. He's making her feel like shit for something that happened before they met. The girl already has self-esteem issues, and him shaming her over something she has no control over any more is only going to make the situation worse and deteriorate their relationship. For her mental health, if he can't get over this, then I think he needs to move on.
very, very well put. damn near everyone has a regret about past relationships or sexual activities - it's part of growing up. It's harder to understand when you're newer to the game, but it'll come
in other news, your (OP) heart skipping at seeing her is soooo cute! I think you definitely care enough to make an effort to get over it... the more you think about it and dwell on it, the worse it'll be though. Gotta just stop thinking about it so much and it should start fading from importance
Sorry Bionic Monkey if I came off sounding like I've been harassing her with this issue. We've talked about it twice in the aprrox. 4 months we've been dating. I might have asked about it a couple other times but those conversations have only lasted a few minutes tops. I keep it to myself mostly. I've raged to a friend once about how much the guy disgusts me because of the way he views women but beyond that I've been debating this all inside.
This is a large part of what I was feeling. I couldn't understand why she would do it. I've been lucky enough to be confident about myself, comfortable meeting new people, have been grounded and have a clear idea of who I am and what I stand for. I guess she was the opposite in some cases in September.
I wouldn't fight this guy, if that's what you mean by defending her honor, his nature is too deep rooted now to even understand he did something wrong. He actually wonders why he always get a bad reputation with women wherever he goes to school...Someday he'll hit on someone's girlfriend and have to face the consequences, no one will have his back at that point. Karma.
As much as she claims to like, or love me. I don't entirely believe she'll refuse advances by other men if I'm not there, especially if she's been drinking. I might just be paranoid but when she drinks, she drinks a lot usually and she makes very emotionally charged decisions. It takes me a long time to trust someone and when I think about it she's done way more things to earn distrust then earn trust. I do like her so I'll assume she's acting like I'm acting away from her. This is my first relationship so I'm not quite sure how to act, she came out of a two year relationship, the one she cheated on in September and ended in September.
I do respect her, she's very intelligent but does have a few self-esteem issues, but I guess a lot of people do. She's also going though a medical problem that affects her continuously and is very rare for someone her age to have. I hope she overcomes it without needing surgery, the surgery would solve the problem but might leave her unable to have children and would take months for her to recover.
I don't really know what else to say, but thanks everyone for replying. I think I do just need a bit of time, this has put it in perspective. I might not totally understand why she did it, but it's in the past and she's let it go so I can too. Thanks to the people who shared similar circumstances. They were insightful and let me understand a lot more.
No problem, man. I'm glad I'm reading the situation wrong. When I was with my first girlfriend, some of the stuff she'd done before we met just fucking tore me up inside, so I know how you feel. But being 28 instead of fifteen really puts all this shit into perspective, and you realize just how utterly insignificant it really is. My wife did her own share of stupid stuff before we met too, that were I that same teenager, would be driving me insane.
Just try to focus on the now, and all the stuff you love about her now. The past is the past, and can't be changed no matter how much it may bother you. So unless she used to make bums fight for meat as a past time, it's just not worth losing sleep over.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Yeah it did tear me up inside.
I'm almost 19 not 15 and have been told I've been mature my whole life, not sure if that matters. She didn't believe me when I said I hadn't dated before. Hell I hadn't kissed a girl before going to university. I guess those statements as being told I'm mature and not kissing a girl until last Sept oppose each other.
I don't think I'm superior. I just see things in black and white sometimes, and when a girl tells a guy to stop, but then lets that guy continue, I can't process it. In any case I see what he did as being wrong, I think anyone would. I don't blame her because she was going through stuff at that time.
I used to be straight edge all throughout high school, I never drank, partied, fooled around with any girls. I just watched movies with friends Friday and Saturday night or played a co-op game.
At university things changed, I was literally on top of girls and had them ask me straight up if I wanted to do stuff and I turned them down. That's the thing, I know in the heat of the moment I was able to turn down multiple girls, yes I was very drunk. Maybe that's what bothers me about it. The fact that I was able to turn down girls, while being very drunk, while she didn't just get up and walk away from the guy(although he was a douche who kept coming onto her apparently) I never understood. I would have been much drunker too if that matters from what I gather. I feel like a douche writing this paragraph and that it's probably unfair.
I'm starting to get over it. Since I've made this thread we have been talking nightly on the phone (not about this) and it hasn't been bothering me. I know she's with me now and that I treat her the best I can, which I'm told is admired by her friends so must be alright. I hope she returns the "love" to sound cheesy. I want to trust her entirely but find I can't yet, maybe with time I can.
Once again I really have to thank everyone for the awesome replies, it must seem that I've blown this out of proportion. It isn't a huge thing bearing down upon my mind. After finishing exams I've just been examining my life (I really only have work, the gym, and GTA4 to kill time with now) so my mind has been wandering.
Great community, I remember why I used to spend so many hours browsing. I don't want to come off as sounding vain either saying I've had the chances to get with girls at university, I'm sure it's a common thing, it is university...
As for you turning down drunk girls, why didn't she stuff, that's a very bad path you don't want to go down. She's not you, and doesn't have the same strengths and weaknesses you do. Her self esteem might be a lot worse than you realize, or she may not have some hangups about sex you might, or (and this is just speculation) she see's how much you despise this guy, and doesn't want you to realize it it wasn't quite as one-sided as it seems. The point being: we're all different people, and we all respond to stressful situations differently than the next person. Putting yourself into that situation and contrasting how you would've reacted (were you the girl obviously) with how she did react is unfair and unrealistic.