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Serious Issues
Luinmac
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I know I've always had this problem, but it's really starting to get to me now.
When it comes to friends, both real life and online, I get a little obsessive. They typically don't know this... because I'm a great talker, good to be around, etc...
But when someone says or types something, sometimes my mind just flies to every single possible reason why it could be my fault. Example: Someone sets up an away message, but isn't idle... In my mind, I'm thinking they don't want to talk to me, I've done something wrong, I've said something wrong, and all I want to do now is appologize profusely for it. Sure, 99% of the time, everyone has their own reasons for doing things, but 99% of those times, I think it's something I did.
I've noticed this is getting worse with a particular friend. I just feel like I'm completely sabotaging the friendship because I get so scared and worried. Sometimes I'll sit here in my chair, face down... and glance up, literally every 10-15 seconds, to see if they're back. Sometimes I just sit here and cry, afraid to lose their friendship. I guess I'm depressed
I'm scared of scaring them, I'm scared of losing them, and I'm scared of my mind making me feel this way. Is there a way to make me stop thinking all of these things? Is there anyone that can relate to me here?
Thanks..
When it comes to friends, both real life and online, I get a little obsessive. They typically don't know this... because I'm a great talker, good to be around, etc...
But when someone says or types something, sometimes my mind just flies to every single possible reason why it could be my fault. Example: Someone sets up an away message, but isn't idle... In my mind, I'm thinking they don't want to talk to me, I've done something wrong, I've said something wrong, and all I want to do now is appologize profusely for it. Sure, 99% of the time, everyone has their own reasons for doing things, but 99% of those times, I think it's something I did.
I've noticed this is getting worse with a particular friend. I just feel like I'm completely sabotaging the friendship because I get so scared and worried. Sometimes I'll sit here in my chair, face down... and glance up, literally every 10-15 seconds, to see if they're back. Sometimes I just sit here and cry, afraid to lose their friendship. I guess I'm depressed
I'm scared of scaring them, I'm scared of losing them, and I'm scared of my mind making me feel this way. Is there a way to make me stop thinking all of these things? Is there anyone that can relate to me here?
Thanks..
Luinmac on
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However, it doesn't sound like you're being rational about people going "away." Perhaps the best solution would be for you to get up from the computer when you feel this way, or sign off of IM and don't think about it. If you don't see that they're away, you can't think they're avoiding you, and the only way for you to contact them is to call.
Perhaps this is part of a larger problem, but your post focuses on the IM issue. Do you have a "stable" of friends that you try to keep tabs on, or a few close ones? Are you regularly seeing these people for activities, or only talking to them online? Maybe spending more time doing activities with your friends, and less time sitting online looking at status icons, would do you well?
I've never actively saught something to wane these thoughts until now. This is one friendship that I don't want to mess up, so I'm looking everywhere for solutions to stop me from thinking this way. I'm too chicken to hurt myself, I don't believe in medicine solving this (making me someone I'm not?), I don't know...
It took me this long to admit I had a problem, but now I'm fighting it helplessly, hoping it will go away.
"What if they're still there? What if they're talking to someone else? What did I do wrong?"
They're called therapists, and there's no shame in hiring one.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I just can't imagine some person telling me something and it making this go away. It's just, when I get interested in something, everything else gets shut out. This just happens to be what I'm completely infatuated with, and I can't see it ending well. To subdue these thoughts, and fast, would be the only thing I can think of that could possibly save the friendship, and my sanity over it.
But I can't get up. I seriously can't make myself get up and get away from this monitor over this. I would completely freak out if I left the house right now, wondering what I could be missing
It sounds like you just need to step back and realize that not everything is about you. I don't mean that in an arrogant or self-centered way at all, but think about when you're driving. It always feels like everyone's watching you when you're in the driver's seat. In reality, few of the cars even realize you're there.
Real life is like this too. Unless you've actively caused a problem, it's unlikely that their action has been taken against you. I am alot like this as well. I worry that I've done something wrong, which clouds my judgment about why people do things, thinking it's always about why they want to keep away from me. Just keep telling yourself, it's all in your head!
Think of it this way. All the time you spend thinking about friend X, you're not thinking about friend Y, right? Just as you're not thinking of everyone all the time, they're not all thinking of you all the time, though we all think of each other some of the time. If you realize that not all eyes are always on you, that you're not constantly under subjective camera, then it may be easier to come to grips with the fact that someone being away while at their keyboard isn't a sign that your friendship is in danger.
Personally (this is just what think) it sounds like you're addicted to IM'ing/computer use. You need to shut those IM programs off and maybe even shut your computer off and just get away from it.
If you had appendicitis, would you go into your kitchen with a steak knife and a bottle of whiskey and remove it yourself just to prove how strong you are? Or would you ask for the the help of a trained professional? There's no weakness in asking for help.
The simple fact is that you have been dealing with this problem yourself, and the problem hasn't been going away. If you don't change your strategy, how are your results going to change?
As for you having a minor in psychology... you do know that sometimes therapists go to therapy, right? It's not a question of how educated you are, it's a simple matter that sometimes people need help to get over their issues.
It won't just "go away." That's not a realistic goal.
A realistic goal is learning how to manage these thoughts so they don't rule your interactions with people.
Eventually, after you've learned to manage them, they'll diminish in frequency and intensity. They may go away completely. In the meantime, you need to learn to deal with them.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I wish I could, but I'm not going to be able to until they come back and say something. Something that's nice, casual, and reassures me that all is well in life.... Even if it's something as innocent as "Talk to you later"
Also starting to come to terms that I'm probably completely in love with this person. Even though I'm in a very happy relationship in REAL life... this internet friendship is becoming more in my mind, even though, to them, it's still just a friendship.
I've ruined a great friendship by confessing a love to someone a long time ago... and though it's finally gotten to the point where I can talk casually to THEM again, I don't want that to happen with this one. I'm out mowing the grass this morning, thinking of ways to say it... then I stop myself because it's the last thing I ever want to say to them.
I don't know what to tell you, unfortunately. The friendship I had with the friend in question is now over. Of course, my relationship was undoubtedly different than yours is (unless you really are some kind of alter ego of mine that I can't recall having) and the reason for my obsessiveness was most likely different than yours at the specific level, but overall it seems eerily similar.
I doubt you go through this with every person you know, though. There must be something about this person in particular that makes you feel important, valid, special, worthwhile, and you are deathly afraid of losing the person as a result. It's a split between losing the person and losing what the person provides for you and I think it stems from an understanding (whether the understanding is correct or not) that the person needs you far less than you need the person.
All I can suggest - and I know it's easy for me to suggest this not being in your specific shoes and in this specific situation even if I have been in a very similar one - is that you teach yourself to find your validation from within. Stop needing this person. How? Distance yourself. I think you are seeing this person as a means to validation and that is very, very dangerous for your mental health. I know how you feel. You like this person and you want them to like and respect you back. But you cannot force these things. You cannot. It's worth saying a third time: you cannot. They will feel however they feel about you. Obsessing over what they think and how they feel will drown you. The last year of my life has been a hell of my own making and I'm finally - more or less - free, because distance has enabled me to see that my leechlike need of this person was not only draining this person but also myself. I was always angry, resentful, and over stupid shit like the person not emailing me back or saying "hi" or something when I was online.
I cannot stress enough how badly you are setting yourself up, especially if this has only been going on for a small amount of time with this particular person. Cut and run and become a stronger, more emotionally independant person. Then find friends.
:P
Anyway... Yeah, that about sums it up well, Drez. Yeah, they definetly validate me, come to me for help, and just generally make me feel very good about myself. I think I just crave that from them...
And it's not really a "I want to be in a relationship" kind of thing... because I know my jealous quirks would never work out... But more of a "I love this person, I truly care for this person, and I am absolutely deeply infatuated with the idea of this person"
I dunno, they make me feel good, and I do the same to them. I think I'm just mixing up my thoughts about them with real life.
And yes, I know what you're saying... I'm aware that I'm on very thin ice in this situation. I practiced a little distancing just a little while ago... and already feel a little better about myself, a little calmer.
As for how to quit - is there really any good coming from sitting at your desk? What are the possible outcomes? Are you constantly (more than once since it isn't like the IM expires and needs to be refreshed) IM'ing this person to ask how they are, if they are ok, if they are mad, why they aren't talking to you, etc? This may result in a negative outcome as they feel pestered. What happens if they sign off without responding? What happens if they respond with "Hey! I was just playing a game! You need to take some relaxation classes, man"? What if they respond with "Uh, yeah, I don't know who you are but I'm [so-and-so]'s mom/roommate/kid sister and I'm just using the computer and didn't know how to turn off the IM program" (or better yet, it is true and they don't know how to/don't want to/don't think they should respond to one of [so-and-so]'s friends. There are literally dozens of purely normal explanations. Infact, the negative options are severely out numbered.
In your classes, did you ever study about how lazy the human brain is? The story I heard to enforce this was as follows: "A student goes to a professor's office hours with some questions about homework. When he arrives, the professor is reading over some papers. When the professor notices the student, he seems annoyed. When the student asks questions, the professor is terse and unhelpful. The student, put off by the professor's attitude, leaves with several questions unanswered." What is wrong with the professor? Well, the brain will naturally assume the professor is just an angry person. Next possibility in the 'likelihood' catagory comes with the fact that the professor is upset at being bothered. It is several steps away before someone would consider external factors such as wife leaving him or kid wrecking his car. Same thing happens when driving (it is always "that guys an asshole for cutting me off!" and never "I wonder if he saw me") or at work or, really, anywhere (it is also the factor primarily behind stereotyping, but that's for another day).
Don't assume the worst and think about it so much you convince yourself that it is the only option. That path leads to being huddled in a closet not going out for fear of something (followed by a fear of even the closet - which doesn't end well).
Murphy's Paradox: The more you plan, the more that can go wrong. The less you plan, the less likely your plan will succeed.