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Let's try this again...
Lackadaisical
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Didn't accidentally post it before I was done this time...
Let's go back a little ways, just 20 months to the start of my story. I remember it clearly, because I'd felt awful all week. I was playing WoW (big surprise, eh?) and I leaned back to do something innocuous: scratching my throat. I felt something on my throat, but this was only on one side of my throat, and it was quite large.
A couple of days passed and I didn't get any better, nor did it go away, so we got health insurance and I went to the ER. "It's mono, the doctor assured me." He went on to say, "You're only nineteen, the chance of it being anything else is next to impossible." Five months, four referrals, and about fifteen tests later I have a thyroid-ectemy.
It's now February or maybe late January, and I'm leveling my rogue in Zangarmarsh and then the phone rings. I note the time, it's 8:55, "Who could be calling at this hour?" I announce to myself, and then the caller ID shows the name of one of my doctors. He says my name...the only thought that comes to mind is how weak his voice sounds. "Good news, doc?" I think I knew it wasn't at this point, but I sort of hope it is. "You have cancer..." he says, softly. It was a traumatic blow, by the time he said "cancer" id dropped the phone, can't even begin to describe the flow of emotions that hit me like a car in a head-on collision on the freeway.
By march I've been blasted by a hefty dose of radioactive iodine, and I'm assured that I'll be fine. Fast-forward a year this time...
The doctor now assures me that I need to have a scan ($20k), possibly another treatment (in supposedly 70% of patients, $900) and my insurance company totally %^$#ed me. It's not the money though, that's not what this is about. I don't want the treatment, because I don't really think I want to live anymore...I've pretty much decided that if I'm going to die, notably alone, that I'd much rather die sooner than later. My question to you is this, is it wrong to want to die?
Let's go back a little ways, just 20 months to the start of my story. I remember it clearly, because I'd felt awful all week. I was playing WoW (big surprise, eh?) and I leaned back to do something innocuous: scratching my throat. I felt something on my throat, but this was only on one side of my throat, and it was quite large.
A couple of days passed and I didn't get any better, nor did it go away, so we got health insurance and I went to the ER. "It's mono, the doctor assured me." He went on to say, "You're only nineteen, the chance of it being anything else is next to impossible." Five months, four referrals, and about fifteen tests later I have a thyroid-ectemy.
It's now February or maybe late January, and I'm leveling my rogue in Zangarmarsh and then the phone rings. I note the time, it's 8:55, "Who could be calling at this hour?" I announce to myself, and then the caller ID shows the name of one of my doctors. He says my name...the only thought that comes to mind is how weak his voice sounds. "Good news, doc?" I think I knew it wasn't at this point, but I sort of hope it is. "You have cancer..." he says, softly. It was a traumatic blow, by the time he said "cancer" id dropped the phone, can't even begin to describe the flow of emotions that hit me like a car in a head-on collision on the freeway.
By march I've been blasted by a hefty dose of radioactive iodine, and I'm assured that I'll be fine. Fast-forward a year this time...
The doctor now assures me that I need to have a scan ($20k), possibly another treatment (in supposedly 70% of patients, $900) and my insurance company totally %^$#ed me. It's not the money though, that's not what this is about. I don't want the treatment, because I don't really think I want to live anymore...I've pretty much decided that if I'm going to die, notably alone, that I'd much rather die sooner than later. My question to you is this, is it wrong to want to die?
It's a warm feeling when you realize that people share your views...
Sandra Lee and Rachel Ray raped food.
Lackadaisical on
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Being through something like this can take a heavy toll on your mental and physical health. My advice? Stick with it. You have to want to get better. I've seen some of the bummiest people with some of the greatest outlooks do horrible in hospitals and healthcare. I've also seen some of the happiest of people with the worst outcomes outlive it.
My uncle was told he was going to die in 6 months. He's lived for 16 years, and is still going.
My girlfriend had almost died after a failed transplant snowballed into two hematomas and two infections. But she always was positive and never really let it get to her. After a year, she's already back on the list.
Keep positive, don't worry about the bills. Get better then get that all sorted out. There are groups that take care of these sorts of things for people who can't pay, and they can't deny you treatment because you can't afford it.
That said, do you really want to miss the Avengers movie?
Talk to a therapist and then see where you are emotionally.
I quit playing WoW.
Go talk to a therapist. They're there to help you. You shouldn't be dealing with this on your own. You need someone who can be personal to talk to about this.
if you're religious you could seek council from a relgious councelor person, or if you're not religious you could also seek council from a religious councelor anyway.
Seriously, therapists don't just throw people in a mental hospital for the hell of it. Though that's an excellent question to ask a potential therapist. If you tell them you're worried about this they should be able to answer any questions regarding it. Also, if you don't like their answer you're under no obligation to keep talking to them.
If you have no emotional support from your family, you need this.
Oh, and, getting emotional support from your mom and dad isn't always the same type you'd receive from friends, significant others, or therapists. You definitely need some from both groups. As it is extremely difficult to keep the game face without some friends by your side. Unconditional love doesn't always hold a candle to love that friends and significant others can provide. Therapists are a good outlet to situations like this, where you need to vent and have someone help you.
Hell, any good hospital will have a doctor for stuff like this, if not, social services can help too.
The other answer to your question is that the emotional state you’re in right now is not the best time to ask that question. I would recommend talking to a therapist. I would also recommend getting the scan done and reassessing your feelings once you have a more solid outlook on how treatment would play out.
As for your fear of being forced into a mental institution, in most states you must be considered a danger to yourself or others (i.e. threatening to actively kill yourself or someone else) before you can be committed involuntarily.
Emotions are a bitch. They rise and fall, and cloud judgement. Keep your chin up.
Find a psychologist. They are the ones that talk to you. Psychiatrists are medical doctors that can prescribe medication. The former may refer you to the later, but if you say no then they can't force you. As others have said - if you think they'll just lock you up, then don't say you are planning to kill yourself, just say that things really aren't good and the thought has passed through your mind several times. I am sure your hospital can suggest several with experience treating people with cancer, as can a whole variety of cancer support groups out there.
Consider the fact that you never hear of people who wanted to die but don't go through with it then regret their decision to continue living. Every one of them, some time later, will state that they made the right decision in living. The fact that you're asking people shows you still care to continue. Find support with those capable of supporting you, who have experience with the situation you are in, and who are there to help. These forums are full of great people, sure, but it will always lack the personal connection of a face-to-face encounter. Don't be afraid of this; such personal interaction can be very healing.
Murphy's Paradox: The more you plan, the more that can go wrong. The less you plan, the less likely your plan will succeed.
Think of it this way, are you so sure you've heard the best album you'll ever hear, read the best book you'll ever read, played the best game, made the best love, heard the best joke, known the best friend? If so, I guess you should refuse the treatment and die, but it will be slow and agonising and if you regret it near the end it'll be too late to change your mind. The logical choice given the options available is therefore to have the treatment and go on living.
Again though, it's up to you.
You don't know that. I thought the same thing at your age. Fight it. You're young, you can do it... fight with all the fight you've got. If you make it through this, you'll never know what's in store. Sometimes the good part of life doesn't happen to people until much later... but to see it, you have to live to it. So fight.
If it helps, I'll give you where I'm coming from when I say this. I was a virgin until I was almost 25. Never had a date, snubbed by every woman I ever met. I was - and am - an unattractive, overweight person. At one point I had the exact same thoughts you are having now, though admittedly I didn't have cancer as an extra weight on my spirit. By complete fortune and not giving up, I ran into a wonderful woman who is still my wife to this day. If it can happen to my ugly, fat ass, it can happen to you.
But it won't if you don't fight for your survival right now. Only you can make the choice to fight... and I urge you to do so. You have no idea the good things that may happen later in your life... and you'll never know if you give up now.
It's not wrong to think about dying, especially in hard times. But resist it with all of your might. Remember that if you end your life, you'll never have a chance to make it better... and if you can fight through this cancer, you'll have a long time ahead of you to make your life better. Years worth of opportunities for happiness. It is yours to take, if you choose life. Please choose it.
This is maybe the best thing I have heard in H&A ever.
But no, its not wrong to feel like you want to die: the only wrong thing you can do is to not talk it out with a professional to know its something that you really want to do.
The doctors told him he wouldn't live to see his 43rd birthday.
He lived to be 86.
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Dude...dude, you need to chill and think things through first okay? like listen here bud i have a story for you, I also developed cancer, however it was within one of my kidney's. You think holy fuck, i just started my life going through my first term of university, an i am told that i have to get my kidney removed...I eventually got the kidney removed and was back into recovery...if i did not wake up that one night an go to the hospital, i could have wound up dead...There's alot more to live for within life. An a counselor is probably one of the best things you could go to help you man. Yeah i know what you mean, you think they may not help you...i was so depressed and blind to see the hurt I was causing other people...that it wasn't until they helped me think things through. Dude, it's your choice an call man. But there is alot to living, you can't just beat yourself down and think that their is nothing left...
You already have your doctor, but finding the right therapist for this situation might be tough. You don't want someone that buys into the idea that doing nothing but trying to extend your life, regardless of it's quality, is always the healthy way to think about the situation. To find someone who will really help you, call up some therapists, explain your problem and see whether they can help you. You should be able to find one that clicks. To avoid the worry of suggesting that you might do harm to yourself, you might say that you want to talk about whether or not to move forward with the treatment or the scan.
There is no such thing as a noble death. It's just dying. Some people shit uncontrolably as they die, that aint noble. My great-grandad was in World War One fighting in the plains of France and he died from a shitty infection, he may of died a hero helping make the world what it is today but he sure as shit didn't die all noble like.
Cancer is a shitty way to go as tube said, it attacks people in all kinds of way and it creates all kinds of hurt.
What would you say if one of your friends decided to off himself just because he didn't want to keep on living? Put yourself in your friends and families viewpoint. Suicide is often called the most selfish act you can perform. You are basically saying your friends and family aren't worth the time.
As a few people have said, I think you need to have a call with your doctor, tell him your thoughts and ask him to recomend a therapist.
Satans..... hints.....
I think you should call your primary care physician and speak with him for a bit... see what he has to say. He's not a therapist, but he can give you an idea as to what it's normal to feel, and what to expect. He won't be able to sort out the ugly details with you, but he can offer guidance on the best way to proceed from here.
I think you can get the money thing sorted.. there's advice in this thread, and you can also speak with someone in your doctor's office about charity care.
I hope you decide to go through with treatment. You'll leave a much bigger scar on the people who love you if you don't do everything you can to stay with them.
So why am I telling you this?
He was given 6 months to live last October. he should be dead now. He's not. He's still fighting it, so are we with him. He's 69 this month, my mum's 72. He'll see his birthday, he may even make it to Christmas, and he's hoping to still be here for their 25th wedding anniversary in February (he's my step-dad, my birth dad also died of colon cancer age 37).
Him and my mum are at their caravan in Wales, they'll come home next week to have another MRI and see the oncologist. he's living his life how he wants to, on his terms. He's choosing to have treatment, cos he's not finished living yet. He's been ill for most of LewieP's life (diabetes, angina, heart attack, TIE), but he isn't giving up without a fight.
You're so young, yes, its terrible what's happened to you, but you have choices. Don't give up on life, its so precious.
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"The power of the weirdness compels me."
Really, living is better than ignoring this. It's a shock to have cancer, but I think it's the initial emotions of it that are making you feel this way. Humans have unbearable lows and spectacular highs, but being conscious and aware of tomorrow should be a great thing. I don't know, I think others have summed up what I want to say pretty well already.
water spirals the wrong way out the sink
I tried to go see a therapist yesterday, actually ditching class to do so, but I couldn't find the office in which the free one was located.