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Improving your GF's self esteem? *Meh... solved.*
LifeVirusZERO
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alright, I've been dating this girl for almost three months now. Everything's been going pretty good. It's my first girlfriend, so a lot of it is new to me. The overall experience has been awesome though. I just turned 20 in march, and she will be turning 19 in July.
She goes to college. And she stays on campus during semesters, only going home for family events and such. She is a great girl and we're totally in love with each other. However, she has a lot of bad mood swings. Some days she will just be as cheerful as ever, and others she will just all of a sudden act completely depressed. And when she's in a bad mood, there is NO cheering her up. I've tried just about everything I can think of. We've even almost got into arguments about it.
I'm the kind of person where... when I encounter a problem, I fix it. But I've found that there is one thing that I am no match for; Women's emotions. Everything I try to make her feel better... Just backfires. I still haven't been able to figure it out and it's killing me. However... I believe that I finally may have figured out the root of her problems. Her own mother.
She's home from school for the summer. She does not get along with her mother. Her mother is mean to her. She never has anything nice to say to her. Now, my girlfriend failed almost all of her college classes this semester. I'm not happy about it, but I still support her no matter what. The worst part is... I think I can place most of the blame on the number one way to fail college. WoW.
Regardless, her mother is very mean to her. Every day. She makes my girlfriend feel like she's worthless. She won't let her go out anywhere, except for work. (She works full-time at a music store.) She also won't let her use the computer or anything like that. Her mother is crushing her already dangerously low level of self-confidence. Things that would normally cheer up a normal girl, will not work on my girlfriend. I can't just go and tell her she's beautiful or anything like that. Even just sending her a text letting her know that I'm thinking of her. It doesn't work. She'll just tell me that I'm silly or crazy or something like that.
She's already, like most girls, an emotional wreck. When she was a little girl, her father was abusive. He also drank a lot, used drugs, you name it. He's out of the picture now, and has been for many many years. But things like that impact you forever. She's got trust issues out of her ears, too. It took her a while before she could even trust me. And even now, I can tell that she doesn't completely trust me. I know she definitely trusts me more than the average person though. On some facebook survey or something, it asked her if she trusted me. Her answer was "as much as it's possible for me to trust anyone." So I guess that's good.
That's a little off-topic, though. Basically what I need advice on, is how I can help her raise her self-esteem. And also, instead of making another topic about it, how do I cope with her having a lot of really close guy friends? It's annoying, and I get jealous way too easily. She's friends with all of her ex's (which isn't very many, but still), and her best friends are pretty much all guys. I worry enough as it is, and that's just making it worse.
One of them is a guy that had feelings for her and asked her out, and she said yes out of shock, but didn't actually want to go out with him. So they "dated" for almost three weeks before she told him what was up. But they are still really good friends. The other night she told me that she was reading a book that actually made her want to talk about her feelings. And that she only does that with three people. None of them were me. and one of which was that guy I was just talking about. And that just kinda bothers me... Is that wrong of me? I know I'm a generally paranoid and worried person, and that might just be what's going on there.
I know there's probably some important key facts that I forgot, so just let me know. Thanks for anyone's support here.
TL;DR: My girlfriend has low self esteem mostly because of her mother and an emotionally rough past. What can I do about this?
Also, how do I deal with her having a lot of guy friends? I get jealous way too easily.
She goes to college. And she stays on campus during semesters, only going home for family events and such. She is a great girl and we're totally in love with each other. However, she has a lot of bad mood swings. Some days she will just be as cheerful as ever, and others she will just all of a sudden act completely depressed. And when she's in a bad mood, there is NO cheering her up. I've tried just about everything I can think of. We've even almost got into arguments about it.
I'm the kind of person where... when I encounter a problem, I fix it. But I've found that there is one thing that I am no match for; Women's emotions. Everything I try to make her feel better... Just backfires. I still haven't been able to figure it out and it's killing me. However... I believe that I finally may have figured out the root of her problems. Her own mother.
She's home from school for the summer. She does not get along with her mother. Her mother is mean to her. She never has anything nice to say to her. Now, my girlfriend failed almost all of her college classes this semester. I'm not happy about it, but I still support her no matter what. The worst part is... I think I can place most of the blame on the number one way to fail college. WoW.
Regardless, her mother is very mean to her. Every day. She makes my girlfriend feel like she's worthless. She won't let her go out anywhere, except for work. (She works full-time at a music store.) She also won't let her use the computer or anything like that. Her mother is crushing her already dangerously low level of self-confidence. Things that would normally cheer up a normal girl, will not work on my girlfriend. I can't just go and tell her she's beautiful or anything like that. Even just sending her a text letting her know that I'm thinking of her. It doesn't work. She'll just tell me that I'm silly or crazy or something like that.
She's already, like most girls, an emotional wreck. When she was a little girl, her father was abusive. He also drank a lot, used drugs, you name it. He's out of the picture now, and has been for many many years. But things like that impact you forever. She's got trust issues out of her ears, too. It took her a while before she could even trust me. And even now, I can tell that she doesn't completely trust me. I know she definitely trusts me more than the average person though. On some facebook survey or something, it asked her if she trusted me. Her answer was "as much as it's possible for me to trust anyone." So I guess that's good.
That's a little off-topic, though. Basically what I need advice on, is how I can help her raise her self-esteem. And also, instead of making another topic about it, how do I cope with her having a lot of really close guy friends? It's annoying, and I get jealous way too easily. She's friends with all of her ex's (which isn't very many, but still), and her best friends are pretty much all guys. I worry enough as it is, and that's just making it worse.
One of them is a guy that had feelings for her and asked her out, and she said yes out of shock, but didn't actually want to go out with him. So they "dated" for almost three weeks before she told him what was up. But they are still really good friends. The other night she told me that she was reading a book that actually made her want to talk about her feelings. And that she only does that with three people. None of them were me. and one of which was that guy I was just talking about. And that just kinda bothers me... Is that wrong of me? I know I'm a generally paranoid and worried person, and that might just be what's going on there.
I know there's probably some important key facts that I forgot, so just let me know. Thanks for anyone's support here.
TL;DR: My girlfriend has low self esteem mostly because of her mother and an emotionally rough past. What can I do about this?
Also, how do I deal with her having a lot of guy friends? I get jealous way too easily.
LifeVirusZERO on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
2. Forget about it. If she wants to fuck another guy, she will. Nothing you can do will stop that. Accept it, deal with it, move on.
This. As much as you want to help her, you can't just fix her. Just be there for her when she needs you.
Also, yeah, she might have some guy friends but she is with you for a reason. Remember that, no matter what she's the one with you.
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as for psycho mom. ummmmm, have gf sever all contact? yeah, not gonna go over so well. basically, you're fucked on that front til she realizes that her mother is horrible for her and stops living with her at all
Seriously, that's a HUGE warning sign.
For the record, you sound exactly like me. She sounds exactly like a girl I dated in high school. Trying to fix her not only made her feel more guilty and worthless than she already did, but not being able to fix anything set up some insecurity and trust issues in my own head that I'm still trying to get over. She also cheated on me. A lot. Granted, she did have schizophrenia, so your mileage may vary.
I'm not going to say "Bitch is crazy, get the fuck out," because it's not necessarily her fault, but seriously... know your limits.
All right, people. It is not a gerbil. It is not a hamster. It is not a guinea pig. It is a death rabbit. Death. Rabbit. Say it with me, now.
3. You have no chance for a lasting relationship until she can open up to you. None.