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Online Dating
Ultimanecat
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alrighty, I know dating is covered alot here, but the need to feel loved is a common human trait, and I'm throwing my hat in.
I don't really need to know how to date. I've been on relatively few things I would qualify as a date in my life, but I've had girlfriends, I know the basics of how to disappoint them in bed (:P), and I'm happy to put myself out there and try to feel my way through it. What I do have a problem with since leaving school is 1) meeting people and 2) meeting quality people.
I'm admittedly picky...I'm not a big stickler for body types or anything like that (although I'd be lying to say I don't need to be physically attracted to someone), but I do really, really, really value personality, smarts, humor, and substance in a woman.
I remember finding a few dating sites through this very forum, but so far what's on offer at Plentyoffish is a bit, ahem, low-brow in my area, and after browsing a lot and popping off a few messages I get the feeling that a good deal of the women on that site are either nonexistant, shallow, there on a lark, or receive so much negative attention that they're now cynical and ignore most contact attempts.
Is it really true that using a paid-for site offers a better selection, at least by merit of the fact that paying for this service implies some sort of dedication about it? Does anyone recommend any sites for just-graduated 20-somethings (please don't say facebook unless you absolutely have to or I may in fact go batshit crazy) to meet each other? Is there anything at all to these geek dating sites that, like all the others, require money to contact anybody?
I don't really need to know how to date. I've been on relatively few things I would qualify as a date in my life, but I've had girlfriends, I know the basics of how to disappoint them in bed (:P), and I'm happy to put myself out there and try to feel my way through it. What I do have a problem with since leaving school is 1) meeting people and 2) meeting quality people.
I'm admittedly picky...I'm not a big stickler for body types or anything like that (although I'd be lying to say I don't need to be physically attracted to someone), but I do really, really, really value personality, smarts, humor, and substance in a woman.
I remember finding a few dating sites through this very forum, but so far what's on offer at Plentyoffish is a bit, ahem, low-brow in my area, and after browsing a lot and popping off a few messages I get the feeling that a good deal of the women on that site are either nonexistant, shallow, there on a lark, or receive so much negative attention that they're now cynical and ignore most contact attempts.
Is it really true that using a paid-for site offers a better selection, at least by merit of the fact that paying for this service implies some sort of dedication about it? Does anyone recommend any sites for just-graduated 20-somethings (please don't say facebook unless you absolutely have to or I may in fact go batshit crazy) to meet each other? Is there anything at all to these geek dating sites that, like all the others, require money to contact anybody?
SteamID : same as my PA forum name
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"For a few seconds Oskar saw through Eli's eyes. And what he saw was...himself. Only much better, more handsome, stronger than what he thought of himself. Seen with love."
--John Ajvide Lindqvist, Let the Right One In (Page 446).
Since you're in my area, I can tell you that POF will offer you nothing much more than what you have found through there. It takes a good amount of message-sending and leniency to find someone decent on there. If you are looking for friends with benefits though, that's your site. Then again, ymmv.
OKCupid is better off in terms of selection for dating/long term partners, although I found the whole site pretty...immature? You might find what you're looking for in there, though. It's more aimed to your demographic.
In terms of pay sites, I wouldn't really go that route. There are enough success stories with both sites that it's not really necessary to pay to get something out of online dating.
It'll probably take a while for you to find that special someone (weeks, maybe months), but just keep on trying.
e: You also have to remember that we have a bunch of shallow people here in California. Don't get discouraged by that.
By the way, here is my POF profile if you're morbidly curious or want to make suggestions.
Your fourth and fifth paragraphs, sorry to say, come off as really snide and pretentious. If I were you, I'd take them out completely. Bragging about how smart you are is generally a bad idea, plus it comes off as false; better to show people through your writing that you're an intelligent person with a goofy side. The line about outrunning you to escape a date... I know you were going for cute and funny, but really, it sounds creepy and threatening.
Also, I know you're quoting Hass, but "Days that are the good flesh continuing" combined with that outrunning comment makes you sound like a serial killer.
The raccoon story is good, though.
The photo will take a while (no shots of myself in the mirror or from the "Myspace angle"...although I'm actually pretty sloshed in my main pic). I'll change all the other things. For posterity's sake, I'll include them here:
I've never liked random hookups, and I can safely say I'm done with them. I'm not a player. I'm not going to save you from your own life - nor do I have the desire or means to (okay, I may desire it a little, but you'd have to be pretty spectacular to make me break out my "knight in shining armor" game). And If I sense shallowness or pretentiousness in you, I will at best ignore you and at worst verbally commandeer everyone else into laughing at you. I apologize in advance...
Sometimes I'll do something completely manly like pull the perfect wingman and give my friend a chance to work his magic or back him up in his own stupid drunken fight (why do men do this stuff, I don't know, but we do and I'm obliged to do so as well sometimes), and then I'll turn around and do something unmanly like order a vodka grasshopper and sip it out of it's goofy glass. Sometimes I curse like a sailor, and sometimes I quote Poet Laureates (see: Headline). I'm probably the smartest person I know when it comes to general trivia, and yet oh so horribly dense when it comes to some of the most basic common sense (I didn't realize what my radiator did when I lived in Norway until halfway through winter).
And then something about if you do take me up on a running date and can actually outrun me, then you can end the date whenever you want.
By the way, I am snide (for the most part unapologetically so, but sometimes I just go overboard and feel bad), and I do lean toward being pretentious (in an about as meat-and-potatoes way as possible, if that makes any sense). Sometimes it's tough resolving marketing yourself and making sure there's truth in the advertising! Genuine thanks for the tips, though.
I also took the red-eye out, but if I'm creepy I'm creepy and there is no PS filter for that :P.
First paragraph... i'd think of a new analogy, dont open with spousal abuse straight off the bat
Also your second paragraph... i dont like the bit about the pre-teens, that sentence makes it sound like you're a tad bitter about it. The stuff you say isnt worth mentioning... well it is worth mentioning! List a couple of movies you like. Its little things like this that cause someone to make a quick mental connection to you. Dont say your life isnt focused around the other things you did mention - it should go without saying, and by saying it it makes me think "Hmm, maybe you're being a bit defensive, maybe you do these things quite a lot". Dont get me wrong, i actually like this paragraph, it just needs a little tuning.
Basically, the difficult part in writing a profile is trying to get a bit of your own style in there, while avoiding things that could be either a) creepy b) scary or c) they'd have to know you better to 'get'. Also, the quote... it is tempting to quote something obscure in the hope that someone will recognise it and you'll have that in common, but be cautious. As Trowi said, it sounds a bit psycho to the unknowing, and you could be scaring off some otherwise great girls that just dont know the quote. Dont worry too much about the profile not spelling out exactly who you are, you just want to get a bit of yourself up there, they can find out the rest when they meet you. Putting too much can be counterproductive.
I would completely redo the profile, scrapping everything you have there. It just doesn't make a good impression. If you can't be charming(which is really hard in text, but possible), just state some positive facts about yourself - no one is going to really get to know you from a profile, all you want to do is intrigue them.
And as always, here is what they were before I changed them:
They say that a good sense of humor is a way of dealing with awkwardness and insecurity; if that's true, then every single waking moment of my life must be like daddy just slapped mommy at the dinner table.
Let's see: I teach (I like kids, and yet the pre-teens I deal with always find a way to drag me down into their sordid ordeals, and then I secretly don't like them until I remember I'm supposed to be the adult), I read, I write, I run (usually about 25 - 30 miles a week), and I hang out with friends. I do lots of stuff, really, but some of it isn't worth mentioning (who doesn't watch movies these days?) and others I do but my life isn't focused around it (trap/skeet shooting, museums, krav maga, road trips, camping).
Hmmm, redo, huh? Goddamned inadequacy of the written language. I guess if I don't come off as charming, I could do that. I'm not really going for charming (I'll be the first to tell you that I've never been charming in writing), but I am going for "not stupid, not just interested in sex, doesn't take himself too seriously".
Alright, well we know my vitals well enough...any ideas for where to take this?
Keep it pretty simple. Be positive, and talk about a few of your interests. Glad you left the raccoon story in!
Oh, and i just checked your updated profile, and i think its pretty good now. Have a look at your 'First Date' box, try to put a bit more of a positive spin in there. Your ideas are fine, dont suggest it could be 'painfully bad and drawn out' though
Done and done. Thanks.
However, you still probably ought to change the headline. Remember, that's the first thing people are going to see, so you don't want it to be creepy or negative even a little. Maybe mention your raccoon story? Any girl on a dating site hears from hundreds of guys a week, so you really want to stand out, and I suspect "Oh, this is that guy who fought a raccoon!" is much more memorable than "This is that guy who complained about his picture."
cupid.com is technically a pay site, but its one that everyone imbeds their email in (ie im llama at the hotplace for llama@hotmail.com)
as for your profile... well, you mentioned in this thread that you want a somewhat geeky/nerdy girl yet there's nothing in there about geeky or nerdy interests. Just... lots of running. Like it's all you do. And in your ideal date thing, you manage to insult folk who think that coffee is a great first date/meeting and call almost all women boring. "because honestly, hardly anybody can be interesting enough to fill the time at a Starbucks with a stranger." doesn't really need to be in there, it just annoys me.
and I second the motion that you get a better picture that shows your face, fairly straight on. Borrow a friends dig camera if you don't have your own, play around, take like 20+ shots and pick one where you don't look crazy, creepy, insane, or f'ugly.
I guess I don't want to conflate nerdy interests (computers, games) with ones that are typically geeky (comics, anime, etc.). I enjoy all of this stuff (I'm on here afterall) but my interests are broad, I'd never discount someone for having different interests than mine, and honestly I don't want a girl just like me because I like the idea of individual pursuits and heartful attempts to try to show each other why you do what you do. That, and I'm a bastard sometimes
So I guess when I say geeky, I just mean someone who's knowledgable about something and isn't necessarily afraid to demonstrate it.
As for that and other comments, it comes down again to marketing myself. I understand lots of the stuff I wrote is off-putting, and when it was pointed out to me I agreed. On the one hand, I don't want to alienate people if I don't have to; on the other hand, I don't want my profile to be a sterile and wholly innocuous list of my interests and positive attributes. I AM irredeemably patronizing in real life sometimes, and I have a sharp tongue, but I also don't exempt myself from the criticism. I consider that, for better or worse, a part of my personality. It ultimately may be unattractive, but I don't want to surprise anyone with it, either.
I guess I'll see what I can do about the pics (so very bad!) and negative points of the profile. Keep in mind that I can't possibly try to attract every possible reader...although If I'm to take anything from this it's that for maximum effectiveness in not needlessly putting people off, I should
1)let my pictures do most of the talking and
2)provide something mostly harmless for someone to read while judging my pictures.
My only advice is to pay a lot of attention to your profile and the pictures you have up. The male profiles on those sites outnumber the female by a large margin, and the women are always getting messages from creepy looking stalker guys, and horrible dorky losers (and I'm a horribly dorky loser). Your main picture and your profile make a huge first impression. Don't think you can skimp on the profile and make it up later on charm, because many girls will only glance at your profile and decide to talk or not based on that.
Specifically, try to look normal, even if you are not, and don't go on about your super duper comics collection, or whatever. A geeky girl will talk to you even if you don't stress the geeky parts of your life, and a non-geeky girl won't even think about talking to you if you do.
Edit- The point is to do anything you can to get them to talk to you one on one, because that is where you can actually make a connection. Cast the widest net you can because you never know who you will hit it off with!
Good luck!!!
I decided to leave the bit about coffee dates in because, honestly, if you're insulted/offended by a somewhat realistic, non-targeted, unpointed statement like that, you're going to be in for a long-fucking-haul if you still decided to meet me in person
Also, I created an OKCupid profile (it's pretty much a carbon copy of the PoF one), and while I think I like it a little better, after answering some 250-odd questions it seems to think I'm infatuated with bisexual girls. I guess I don't care too much (oh good lord that's a lot of competition), but seriously, like 60% of my matches are bi.
Are bi chicks bad? o_O
how so? Being bi doesn't mean you're any more likely to cheat. It doesn't mean you're some raving slut who's out to jump any guy or girl you can find... just means gender isn't as important to you, or that both men and women can be attractive.
Seriously. All "bi" means for me is that I don't care too much about plumbing.
Neither propensity to cheat nor sluttiness are things I'm worried about with bisexuals. I don't think I'd want to be checking out and thinking about having sex with a female stranger on the street, while my girlfriend did the same. I also have no way to grasp the dual attraction itself. I'd be more comfortable with someone whose attraction for me and other men makes much more sense to me.
And really, this is mostly an issue of not bothering to initiate contact with someone online that is bi-sexual, not one of meeting someone who I think is great, then finding out she's bisexual and going "Whoa whoa, no thanks."
Personally, I've been there, and it's fuck awesome. A hot lady walks by, you both turn your heads. It rocks.
its actually more of an adventure, or it was for me. but i was sort of disappointed.