The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
How to get rid of anger/hate?
Chiba
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I posted a thread in here a few days ago about how to block a phone number. This is completely related. I'll first explain why i have this hate, then I hope someone will be able to give advice how to quickly, or best get rid of it.
I just exited a situation that I thought to only exist within movies or soap operas. I never thought I'd get this close to someone who was capable of doing this. This is going to be a long one so I appreciate your patience and I'll put a summary if I can at the end, since I'm sure this is more common than I think and that the details aren't important. Also a side bit, I realize I'm a stupid person for not seeing some of these things earlier.
This story begins in Fall of 2006, my freshmen year of college. I met a girl during orientation and we hit it off pretty well and started dating soon after. It quickly became apparent this relationship was more than I cared to handle during my first semester of college because she had intense mood swings and blew up at things I didn't do, and was exceptionally clingy. Well, a couple month long story short, it turns out that she was suffering from a form of depression/anxiety and started therapy and medication winter 06/07. Things vastly improved, though not perfect, but I loved the girl so I helped her when things got bad, no matter the toll it had on me. The Spring was much better than the Fall and I loved the relationship I was in, likewise her to me.
Sadly, summer came and distance became a problem, mostly due to my parents not supporting the relationship so means of transportation were limited. We talked frequently on the phone and online, and I did scrummage up enough money to take a train to visit her for half a week in the middle of the summer. Worries that the distance might have made things dim on her end vanished after that visit, everything was perfect.
However, Fall of 07 wasn't as kind to me. Quickly after getting back to school i realized everything wasn't the same anymore as it was just a month before during my visit. She seemed much more detached. She brushed it aside saying that she's just getting used to being away from home again and back at school in a new environment. Understandable, however my instincts would not rest and paranoia itched at my brain. One day in her room she left for a minute and I could not help myself but to glance at her phone. (some might remember a similar thread dealing with this instance awhile ago). I found texts from a guy she started hanging out with in August saying things like "I wish I was your boyfriend" and things along those lines. I previously talked to her during the summer about this guy and she assured me it was just friends, and he only saw her as a friend. I asked her about it again this time, and she said she just didn't want to worry me, and she told this guy she had a boyfriend back at school. On top of that the texts were from a few weeks ago. Okay, paranoia uneeded, right?
A week later I was in her room again and she let me use her computer while she finished getting ready. I saw a picture transfer window blinking at the bottom, I clicked on it and found a picture transfer on AIM between her and this guy, with pictures of her just in her underwear/bra. I was not a happy camper, and we had quite the fight, her saying that it's not that big of a deal, he's just a friend and it's the same as wearing a bathing suit. And that she just felt "bad" for him. She didn't consider it cheating, some other people might not as well. I did, I was not happy. I told her she needed to tell him straight up the situation and stop talking to him, or that was it. The following month consisted of her saying, yes she'd do it, it was worth it for me not to leave, but then she would fail to do it, over and over. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and said that was it, and broke up with her.
Being a poor sap, a week later I went back to her, talking to her at least, and I just couldn't help letting things go back to where they were. She said she stopped talking to him, and that she was done with it, I took her for her word, beats me why. Of course it wasn't true, and due to remembering his screen name from that picture transfer incident, I found out from his away message of all things that they were now dating. I confronted her, she said she started dating him when I left her for that week, words were exchanged and I cut her out of my life just due to being sick of everything. I stayed away from her completely, not talking at all for 5 months. During which she would constantly email me/send me texts etc saying she missed me, what she did was wrong, she gave up something special, she didn't expect anything to come out of this relationship with this other guy and nothing did, etc etc. After 5 months I decided enough was enough, if someone is sorry I can at least forgive and give them a chance as friends. I don't want to hold a grudge forever...right?
Wrong. Bad choice. She had the illusion of change, that's for sure. She was actually doing very well in school now, she cared about it. Before she never cared about it and was very unmotivated. Furthermore the idea of a job disgusted her, she was now pursuing jobs and actually got an internship. And once again, she said that this other guy was completely out of her life, she claimed "he had issues. he had trust issues on top of that. he's helpless". I got enjoyment out of that considering this guy pursued a girl who had a boyfriend. Heh, oh will I learn.
Spring 08. We hung out a lot, and started to grow close once again, stupid me putting down my guard. However, she said she didn't want to be in a relationship just yet, because of the end of the school year (finals), internship etc. I was shocked, that was actually a mature decision. I said okay that's fine, and she said that if she could be with anyone, it would be with me, and we would soon some day. So we continued as close friends who occasionally cuddled/held hands etc. Due to previous incidents I still didn't fully trust. She understood this and she kept reassuring me that she wouldn't lie to me again, that she wasn't going to be in a relationship with anyone, and that she loved me and she wasn't giving me false hope at all. Well aren't I stupid?
This continued into summer, I had to stay at school to catch up on some classes and she had an internship in the city so she'd come and visit me 2-3 times a week after work whenever she had it. She still wasn't ready for a relationship, I was starting to get "?" on the situation. She still kept reassuring that it wasn't that there was someone else, or she was just leading me on. I believed it, cause I was fine being just friends with her after I started talking to her again, but she reeled me in once more.
Now something I always wanted to do this past whole year was talk to this other guy, and just ask him why he did what he did. I had a lot of hate towards him, and I soon found out it was so wrongfully misplaced. I decided to talk to him. I still remembered his screenname.
Well, I soon found out a lot of things, which made everything else fall into place. Let's make a list shall we?
1. This guy did NOT know we were still dating when he pursued her. In fact, she told him that we had broken up and that I was just "clinging" on still.
2. They started dating THREE WEEKS before the school year started, which included sleeping together. This was almost a whole TWO MONTHS earlier than I thought they had started dating, and just a few weeks after I had visited her.
I shared these time tables with him and he laughed. He thanked me for talking to him, and apologized many times that he wouldn't have done it if he would have known. He said that they were thinking about getting back together and he said he's really not sure he wants to now. Hold up...what?! I then shared with him that we were ALSO planning to get back together, among all the other things that have happened since and that she told me. Evidently he broke up with her because SHE had trust issues with him, and he was sick of dealing with it. A few weeks after they broke up they started hanging out again, and sleeping with each other. He admitted that it was very much a physical thing and he didn't have much emotional attachment. He said she would keep asking "How many more times do we have to do this for us to get back together?". 2 weeks prior to me contacting him he said that he said he would, to which she responded "oh, i dont know about right now." He thought she was fucking with him but let it go.
After this very productive conversation we both thanked each other, we both said that we were just going to cut her out completely (him saying that it was more physical than emotional so it was no big deal, he could get that elsewhere easily....not the greatest guy, but whatever), then parted ways (in the online way). I then called my cute little liar.
"Hello?"
"Hey [girl's name]. So I just had an interesting conversation with someone."
"Who?"
"[Guys name]"
-silence-
What happened next was not pretty, I said things i would never think to say to a human being. She never took blame for what she did, lying to two people for a whole year almost. She blamed me for ruining her life. She said "I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted, but you didn't have to go and lie to him". Fact, I did not lie at all to this guy, she had lied so much she didn't know what the truth was. Conversation ended, I let her know never to contact me again, I explained i could never trust her, not on a relationship level, friend level, or any other level. She said "She didn't know how to tell me." And that she "didn't mean to mislead me". I'm sorry, but sorry has no room anymore. That was that. She texted me some saying I was a horrible person for doing this, etc and on ward. Hence the blocking the phone number thread.
This is when things get weirder. Her mother is a sweet woman. She's always been nice to me and loves me. We'd often talk when she would drop my ex off etc and so forth. I really was disappointed that I probably wouldn't talk to her again, because there was no way I could have my ex in my life at all anymore. No point in having someone in your life that you can't believe a word they say, you know? I did something which I felt may or may not have been a good idea, but I think it turned out to be.
I called her mom. Though, to only say that I probably wouldn't have the chance to talk to her again, thanking her for being so nice to me (she'd get me food, always invited me to the house, was so kind, took my ex and me out to eat when she'd be around and so forth). She asked "Chiba, why? You can tell me, if it's about [my ex] i promise you i'll neither tell her you called or let her know that i know anything you tell me, im just concerned for you." Well, I did talk to her about it. Of course I did not mention the guys name, nor did I tell her about her daughter's sexual activity, I know much better than that. Her mom was completely confused and thought I was joking. "You've got to be joking Chiba, right? I didn't even know you two broke up in the fall. For the past year she's only talked about you all the time. She has pictures of you two on her wall and in frames and everything. She's always talking about you saying good things. She's never mentioned any other guy nor do I know when she'd ever go see this other guy, she never leaves the house!" I told her I couldn't believe the situation either, besides the fact both this guy and my ex confirmed it.
Her mom also knew I went through a hard time in helping my ex with her depression/anxiety problems. She thanked me for being a very positive influence on her daughter's life, and for being there for her here at college when she couldn't. She started to get chocked up and said "chiba, if I get between a rock and a hard place in helping [my ex] deal with her problems, or if i just need help myself coping with it, can I call you to talk about it?" I was floored and felt 10 years older in a instant. after a few moments of speechlessness I told her the only thing someone could "Sure, of course." She thanked me again and told me to take care, and apologized for things ending up the way they did, and again assured me she would not let it be known that i called, nor let it be known she knows what she told me. I trust her completely.
Well that's my crazy ass story. For the past few days since this i have had zero contact with this girl. However I've had such rage and hate inside of me. She lied to me, this other guy, her parents, and her friends for over a year about this whole situation. Of course, the thing that bothered me the most were the lies she said to me, it had to have been hundreds. I felt some satisfaction knowing that more than likely both i and this other guy were going to be completely out of her life, and she's left with nothing out of this tangled web of lies, but I still have EXTREME anger and hate. I have not even begun to be depressed about the situation. I'm finishing up a class for the summer before I go home for a week and I'm just can't believe it. The anger/hate/stress combination has effected my body the worst. It's hard for me to eat because i want to throw it up instantly, if food DOES get inside me, it doesn't for long. I sleep very little because my body is just so tense and my mind racing with anger. My mind nor body is getting any rest or is in any way on a road to recovery.
I loved this girl a lot, but after this, I knew love wasn't part of the equation anymore, there wasn't any on her side at least. So all the love converted into hate it seems instead. It's a lot to process and I can't even begin to actually accept it happened. It just seems so unbelievable someone could lead those two lives for so long, lying this way and that and not feel any kind of guilt. I feel if I was in that situation I'd kill myself from the guilt of knowing what I'm doing. I'd go as far to say it almost seems like she has split personalities. I have no idea. I'm just so angry that I have 2 years of my life, first 2 years of my college experience wasted on this girl. All I ever asked from her was honesty. Especially after the fall, but she continued to lie. If she would have told me she found someone else in the summer, and that she didnt want to date me, but she wanted to started dating him, alright, I would have been sad as hell, but she didn't lie. If after the hiatus of talking to her she said "I'm still wanting to be with this other guy, but we can be friends" I was in that state of mind, I could have easily. But no, she lied and manipulated for no reason other than whatever twisted plans she had.
My god, this is one big rant. Here's a summary.
Summary: Just found out I was part of a year long love triangle of sorts, two members of said geometrical shape had no idea of the other. Am EXTREMELY angry and upset. Full of hate. Body and mind cannot rest and ill affects result such as rejection of food both ways, little to no rest, and inability to do anything but just...boil over it. I want to begin to process this but it seems to be too much at once to do it. I know it's not going to be easy but i just want to get the process started. My world has kinda been flipped upside down, i never thought I'd get close enough to someone who could accomplish such things as these.
IM ANGRY. HELP! (turns green)
I just exited a situation that I thought to only exist within movies or soap operas. I never thought I'd get this close to someone who was capable of doing this. This is going to be a long one so I appreciate your patience and I'll put a summary if I can at the end, since I'm sure this is more common than I think and that the details aren't important. Also a side bit, I realize I'm a stupid person for not seeing some of these things earlier.
This story begins in Fall of 2006, my freshmen year of college. I met a girl during orientation and we hit it off pretty well and started dating soon after. It quickly became apparent this relationship was more than I cared to handle during my first semester of college because she had intense mood swings and blew up at things I didn't do, and was exceptionally clingy. Well, a couple month long story short, it turns out that she was suffering from a form of depression/anxiety and started therapy and medication winter 06/07. Things vastly improved, though not perfect, but I loved the girl so I helped her when things got bad, no matter the toll it had on me. The Spring was much better than the Fall and I loved the relationship I was in, likewise her to me.
Sadly, summer came and distance became a problem, mostly due to my parents not supporting the relationship so means of transportation were limited. We talked frequently on the phone and online, and I did scrummage up enough money to take a train to visit her for half a week in the middle of the summer. Worries that the distance might have made things dim on her end vanished after that visit, everything was perfect.
However, Fall of 07 wasn't as kind to me. Quickly after getting back to school i realized everything wasn't the same anymore as it was just a month before during my visit. She seemed much more detached. She brushed it aside saying that she's just getting used to being away from home again and back at school in a new environment. Understandable, however my instincts would not rest and paranoia itched at my brain. One day in her room she left for a minute and I could not help myself but to glance at her phone. (some might remember a similar thread dealing with this instance awhile ago). I found texts from a guy she started hanging out with in August saying things like "I wish I was your boyfriend" and things along those lines. I previously talked to her during the summer about this guy and she assured me it was just friends, and he only saw her as a friend. I asked her about it again this time, and she said she just didn't want to worry me, and she told this guy she had a boyfriend back at school. On top of that the texts were from a few weeks ago. Okay, paranoia uneeded, right?
A week later I was in her room again and she let me use her computer while she finished getting ready. I saw a picture transfer window blinking at the bottom, I clicked on it and found a picture transfer on AIM between her and this guy, with pictures of her just in her underwear/bra. I was not a happy camper, and we had quite the fight, her saying that it's not that big of a deal, he's just a friend and it's the same as wearing a bathing suit. And that she just felt "bad" for him. She didn't consider it cheating, some other people might not as well. I did, I was not happy. I told her she needed to tell him straight up the situation and stop talking to him, or that was it. The following month consisted of her saying, yes she'd do it, it was worth it for me not to leave, but then she would fail to do it, over and over. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and said that was it, and broke up with her.
Being a poor sap, a week later I went back to her, talking to her at least, and I just couldn't help letting things go back to where they were. She said she stopped talking to him, and that she was done with it, I took her for her word, beats me why. Of course it wasn't true, and due to remembering his screen name from that picture transfer incident, I found out from his away message of all things that they were now dating. I confronted her, she said she started dating him when I left her for that week, words were exchanged and I cut her out of my life just due to being sick of everything. I stayed away from her completely, not talking at all for 5 months. During which she would constantly email me/send me texts etc saying she missed me, what she did was wrong, she gave up something special, she didn't expect anything to come out of this relationship with this other guy and nothing did, etc etc. After 5 months I decided enough was enough, if someone is sorry I can at least forgive and give them a chance as friends. I don't want to hold a grudge forever...right?
Wrong. Bad choice. She had the illusion of change, that's for sure. She was actually doing very well in school now, she cared about it. Before she never cared about it and was very unmotivated. Furthermore the idea of a job disgusted her, she was now pursuing jobs and actually got an internship. And once again, she said that this other guy was completely out of her life, she claimed "he had issues. he had trust issues on top of that. he's helpless". I got enjoyment out of that considering this guy pursued a girl who had a boyfriend. Heh, oh will I learn.
Spring 08. We hung out a lot, and started to grow close once again, stupid me putting down my guard. However, she said she didn't want to be in a relationship just yet, because of the end of the school year (finals), internship etc. I was shocked, that was actually a mature decision. I said okay that's fine, and she said that if she could be with anyone, it would be with me, and we would soon some day. So we continued as close friends who occasionally cuddled/held hands etc. Due to previous incidents I still didn't fully trust. She understood this and she kept reassuring me that she wouldn't lie to me again, that she wasn't going to be in a relationship with anyone, and that she loved me and she wasn't giving me false hope at all. Well aren't I stupid?
This continued into summer, I had to stay at school to catch up on some classes and she had an internship in the city so she'd come and visit me 2-3 times a week after work whenever she had it. She still wasn't ready for a relationship, I was starting to get "?" on the situation. She still kept reassuring that it wasn't that there was someone else, or she was just leading me on. I believed it, cause I was fine being just friends with her after I started talking to her again, but she reeled me in once more.
Now something I always wanted to do this past whole year was talk to this other guy, and just ask him why he did what he did. I had a lot of hate towards him, and I soon found out it was so wrongfully misplaced. I decided to talk to him. I still remembered his screenname.
Well, I soon found out a lot of things, which made everything else fall into place. Let's make a list shall we?
1. This guy did NOT know we were still dating when he pursued her. In fact, she told him that we had broken up and that I was just "clinging" on still.
2. They started dating THREE WEEKS before the school year started, which included sleeping together. This was almost a whole TWO MONTHS earlier than I thought they had started dating, and just a few weeks after I had visited her.
I shared these time tables with him and he laughed. He thanked me for talking to him, and apologized many times that he wouldn't have done it if he would have known. He said that they were thinking about getting back together and he said he's really not sure he wants to now. Hold up...what?! I then shared with him that we were ALSO planning to get back together, among all the other things that have happened since and that she told me. Evidently he broke up with her because SHE had trust issues with him, and he was sick of dealing with it. A few weeks after they broke up they started hanging out again, and sleeping with each other. He admitted that it was very much a physical thing and he didn't have much emotional attachment. He said she would keep asking "How many more times do we have to do this for us to get back together?". 2 weeks prior to me contacting him he said that he said he would, to which she responded "oh, i dont know about right now." He thought she was fucking with him but let it go.
After this very productive conversation we both thanked each other, we both said that we were just going to cut her out completely (him saying that it was more physical than emotional so it was no big deal, he could get that elsewhere easily....not the greatest guy, but whatever), then parted ways (in the online way). I then called my cute little liar.
"Hello?"
"Hey [girl's name]. So I just had an interesting conversation with someone."
"Who?"
"[Guys name]"
-silence-
What happened next was not pretty, I said things i would never think to say to a human being. She never took blame for what she did, lying to two people for a whole year almost. She blamed me for ruining her life. She said "I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted, but you didn't have to go and lie to him". Fact, I did not lie at all to this guy, she had lied so much she didn't know what the truth was. Conversation ended, I let her know never to contact me again, I explained i could never trust her, not on a relationship level, friend level, or any other level. She said "She didn't know how to tell me." And that she "didn't mean to mislead me". I'm sorry, but sorry has no room anymore. That was that. She texted me some saying I was a horrible person for doing this, etc and on ward. Hence the blocking the phone number thread.
This is when things get weirder. Her mother is a sweet woman. She's always been nice to me and loves me. We'd often talk when she would drop my ex off etc and so forth. I really was disappointed that I probably wouldn't talk to her again, because there was no way I could have my ex in my life at all anymore. No point in having someone in your life that you can't believe a word they say, you know? I did something which I felt may or may not have been a good idea, but I think it turned out to be.
I called her mom. Though, to only say that I probably wouldn't have the chance to talk to her again, thanking her for being so nice to me (she'd get me food, always invited me to the house, was so kind, took my ex and me out to eat when she'd be around and so forth). She asked "Chiba, why? You can tell me, if it's about [my ex] i promise you i'll neither tell her you called or let her know that i know anything you tell me, im just concerned for you." Well, I did talk to her about it. Of course I did not mention the guys name, nor did I tell her about her daughter's sexual activity, I know much better than that. Her mom was completely confused and thought I was joking. "You've got to be joking Chiba, right? I didn't even know you two broke up in the fall. For the past year she's only talked about you all the time. She has pictures of you two on her wall and in frames and everything. She's always talking about you saying good things. She's never mentioned any other guy nor do I know when she'd ever go see this other guy, she never leaves the house!" I told her I couldn't believe the situation either, besides the fact both this guy and my ex confirmed it.
Her mom also knew I went through a hard time in helping my ex with her depression/anxiety problems. She thanked me for being a very positive influence on her daughter's life, and for being there for her here at college when she couldn't. She started to get chocked up and said "chiba, if I get between a rock and a hard place in helping [my ex] deal with her problems, or if i just need help myself coping with it, can I call you to talk about it?" I was floored and felt 10 years older in a instant. after a few moments of speechlessness I told her the only thing someone could "Sure, of course." She thanked me again and told me to take care, and apologized for things ending up the way they did, and again assured me she would not let it be known that i called, nor let it be known she knows what she told me. I trust her completely.
Well that's my crazy ass story. For the past few days since this i have had zero contact with this girl. However I've had such rage and hate inside of me. She lied to me, this other guy, her parents, and her friends for over a year about this whole situation. Of course, the thing that bothered me the most were the lies she said to me, it had to have been hundreds. I felt some satisfaction knowing that more than likely both i and this other guy were going to be completely out of her life, and she's left with nothing out of this tangled web of lies, but I still have EXTREME anger and hate. I have not even begun to be depressed about the situation. I'm finishing up a class for the summer before I go home for a week and I'm just can't believe it. The anger/hate/stress combination has effected my body the worst. It's hard for me to eat because i want to throw it up instantly, if food DOES get inside me, it doesn't for long. I sleep very little because my body is just so tense and my mind racing with anger. My mind nor body is getting any rest or is in any way on a road to recovery.
I loved this girl a lot, but after this, I knew love wasn't part of the equation anymore, there wasn't any on her side at least. So all the love converted into hate it seems instead. It's a lot to process and I can't even begin to actually accept it happened. It just seems so unbelievable someone could lead those two lives for so long, lying this way and that and not feel any kind of guilt. I feel if I was in that situation I'd kill myself from the guilt of knowing what I'm doing. I'd go as far to say it almost seems like she has split personalities. I have no idea. I'm just so angry that I have 2 years of my life, first 2 years of my college experience wasted on this girl. All I ever asked from her was honesty. Especially after the fall, but she continued to lie. If she would have told me she found someone else in the summer, and that she didnt want to date me, but she wanted to started dating him, alright, I would have been sad as hell, but she didn't lie. If after the hiatus of talking to her she said "I'm still wanting to be with this other guy, but we can be friends" I was in that state of mind, I could have easily. But no, she lied and manipulated for no reason other than whatever twisted plans she had.
My god, this is one big rant. Here's a summary.
Summary: Just found out I was part of a year long love triangle of sorts, two members of said geometrical shape had no idea of the other. Am EXTREMELY angry and upset. Full of hate. Body and mind cannot rest and ill affects result such as rejection of food both ways, little to no rest, and inability to do anything but just...boil over it. I want to begin to process this but it seems to be too much at once to do it. I know it's not going to be easy but i just want to get the process started. My world has kinda been flipped upside down, i never thought I'd get close enough to someone who could accomplish such things as these.
IM ANGRY. HELP! (turns green)
Chiba on
0
Posts
and violent video games, at least for me. Bloodier the better. It's a harmless release, if your brain works that way.
The only thing I can say is I'm truly sorry, I would never wish the anguish that I was put through on someone else...and now that you know the signs and behaviors of girls that act this way, you can avoid them in the future.
If I had to guess, I'd say you are just as (if not more) angry at yourself as you are at her, due to ignoring your "gut feeling" so many times. These were choices you needed to make - don't forget why you made them and grow from them.
You need to accept that this is who she is, no matter how much (another guess) you still care about her. There is no changing - this is her choice, her life. Do not suffer for her.
Calling her mom was a great idea, that was an important decision and also a good one, me thinks.
Honestly, you just need more time. See friends, pick up a hobby, exercise more. Anger is constructive and can reap positive benefits. Keep that in mind.
I understand this rage, this anger, malice and hatred you have towards her. The thing is, you have you put yourself in someone else's shoes. Would you want them to act that way towards you? Don't forgive her for what she did, but don't be a complete asshat and try and ignore her. Ask her for your space and when you're ready to talk to her, you will.
I don't know if you're religious, but turn to God if you are (even if you aren't.) Pray. Meditate and think about things.
She hurt you, sure. You knew something wasn't right, yes. But you can't go back and change a damn thing, man. It has already happened and its a tough pill to swallow, but you're going to have to. Being mad at her, him, or whoever else isn't going to make it any better. I promise.
Just remove yourself from the situation from a while.
I'm going through the same thing at the moment (it's a little different but the anger/hate is still there.)
Just remember you will get over it and you really don't need that woman in your life anymore. Don't look back and say how stupid you were, you made choices because you cared about this person. She is who she is and you can will do better.
I don't know how to advise you about your anger, I would feel very angry, too if it had happened to me, which it hasn't in a relationship, just with a friend (now ex-friend).
I felt bitter, cheated, used - she pretended she had leukemia - this was when our children were small. For months I would go round to her house, cook, clean, look after her children, and gradually started to not believe what she told me. I talked to my best friend about my doubts - that nearly destroyed our friendship, as she thought I was callous. Eventually, I talked to her GP - she was threatening suicide, phoning me late at night - her GP was shocked, and went to see her at home. I stopped going round.
I felt very angry for a while, but also realised that this woman had mental health problems that had caused her to behave that way, that she couldn't actually help herself, she needed medical help. My anger was eating away at me, and not helping in any way.
So, I decided to let it go. In my head, I forgave her. I chose to accept she was unable to control herself, but that I did not have to be responsible for her in any way, and that i did not have to have anything to do with her ever again, and that feeling like that didn't make me into a bad person.
It took a while, but i stopped feeling angry over time, and now just feel sad for her. I see her occasionally around where we live, i say hello, but that's it. I never want to be her friend ever again. I hope she's doing better now.
For a while, I also felt guilty, and cross at myself for being manipulated so, now i accept that she was/is a very needy person, but that I'm not going to meet that need.
I think you were very brave to talk to her mum, and very gracious to say you'd talk to her again, specially because you're hurting and angry right now.
The anger will pass, give yourself a break over it. You were badly treated and deceived, but you will get over it. And you will meet someone else, who will care for you. Don't stay bitter, and try not to feel angry with yourself.
For paintings in progress, check out canvas and paints
"The power of the weirdness compels me."
Having gone through a similar, though much less drawn out and intense experience myself, I will say that it gets easier. As Daemonion says, you have to accept her for her and understand that it wasn't your fault that she took advantage of you. Think of this as a positive lesson; you have seen first hand that such people do, in fact, exist outside the world of fiction. You can use this to guard against future pain. However, do be careful that it does not lead you to become a paranoid and jealous mate. While there are people like this, they become easier to spot and are not common.
Oh, and stay away from her for the rest of time. There will be nothing more needed between you and her. As LewiePs Mummy suggested - you will learn to understand that this girl was messed up. This is not to be an excuse for her actions, but simply a reason. With this reason you should find it easier to accept that what happened happened, forgive her actions but not excuse them.
Forgive but do not forget. To forgive is to release the pain and anger... but forgetting sets it up to happen again.
Murphy's Paradox: The more you plan, the more that can go wrong. The less you plan, the less likely your plan will succeed.
Solution?
Go watch Chasing Amy.
My plans are to keep her cut out of my life. I mean, I do feel sorry for her. I know that lifestyle can't be satisfying at all. But i know, like a lot of you said, that you can't change someone no matter how much you care about them. I wasn't always a believer in that, this past spring I thought that she had actually changed, but of course it was just an illusion. Sometimes to learn a life lesson it needs to be beaten into you a few times you know?
I like the idea of counseling. I took advantage of the university's free counseling for students in the fall when the first crash happened. It did help me a good bit, sadly I'm only here one more day and counseling at home would cost money. As a trade off i will be around my family and some of my friends.
Just a funny aside I just thought of. She wanted me to come home with her for a weekend sometime soon. How would that have worked? I'll never know, heh.
For me, I had to forgive human nature before I could let go of the anger. (B/f cheated for full 3 years of the relationship, his parents knew, pretended I was going to be their daughter in law one day... he even proposed... no idea why when he was with someone else).
Everyone has a level of selfishness, some listen to it more than others and make bad choices, like this girl you were with. Unfortunately we have to realise that there is no such thing as a 100% guarantee in any relationship. People that stay together 'forever' do so because they see past the immediate temptations and make wise decisions/communicate, not because they are never tempted.
No matter how sincere and worthy we are, we can't expect everyone to feel the same way. Sometimes people just do dumb things. If we let them make us angry we're losing control of the only thing we can have 100% trust in - ourselves.
Over time, if you can come to terms with the fact that while we must put our trust in our partners, but we are likely to be stung many, many times in our lives for doing so, essentially "turning the other cheek" and moving on, you'll let go of the anger.
Nobody can promise you they will never cheat or never lie, its always just a choice not to every time you're with them.
Honest people deserve better, hopefully you find one next time.
Forgive the person who has wronged you and most importantly, move on with your life by cutting them off completely. By continuing to hold a grudge and hatred for another person doesn't help you in the long run cause you'll ultimately effect other people around you.
What I also suggest is to channel your anger, fustration, hatred into something positive. Whether it be by going to the gym, sports, picking up a new hobby, you need to find a way to vent those emotions. Emotional baggage isn't healthy.
What I found that helped in my case was to go to a gym and unleash my pent up emotions through working out. You'd be quite surprised how well you feel after a good solid work out. In my case, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.
I hate to go against what you said M_T, but I feel this quote is pretty dead on.
Forgive, yes. She did wrong and whether or not she feels bad for it is up to her. She did what she did, and you deserve better. That is a positive out of this. You learned something from this terrible situation.
But to forget? No, my friend. To forget would be to forget what you've learned from this.
Don't be so angry. I know thats the easiest thing to be right now. I'm not saying NOT be hurt and act like everything is fine, because it isn't, right? I know. I'm going through the same thing man. The sun, though, will rise with or without you wanting the day to come.
The whole thing about love being one sided? I know the feeling. For the pas six months this girl has told me she loves me. I believed her. When five months afterwards she has continued to tell me this, but hasn't seen me (she lives 20 minutes away with no problem of getting here or of me letting her see her there) then I should have realized something was up.
Sure it was nice/sweet of me to overlook all of this, but in the end I just ended up hurting myself in a big way. While we weren't officially "together" for but a month of these past 6, she managed to "cheat" on me twice with her ex. It hurt, but I forgave her and we eventually started actually going out.
Things were good for a while. She knew I loved her. I did everything I could for her, was nice, courteous, kept my problems to myself because she was going through a rough patch. That, though, ended up being the relationship's undoing. See, every time I wanted to talk, she didn't. But when SHE had a problem, I had to clear my fucking schedule to talk to her about it. No problem, I thought she might realize whats going on and maybe lay off or begin to talk to me about how I felt.
No deal. She ended up leaving me on a night that was already bad for me. I went to tape OU's baseball game that was a stadium near her house. She went to a movie nearby with a friend of hers. Cool. So I felt sick and about the 7th inning I feel like I've gotten enough footage and decide to just bail.
I see her outside, talk to her for a bit and leave as she's going into the game with her friend with my press passes. I get to my car. Oh shit. Someone broke into it. Scared the crap out of me, and it just made me mad that someone would do that. I call the cops, get it taken care of that way and I am texting her during this and telling her what happened.
She didn't believe me. wtf? Oh well. So I want to just leave. She tells me to wait by her car so I find it and do. This whole time her demeanor in text (I know people say you can't read emotion from text, but after a while I feel you can with certain people) and when she got there was just terrible. She was just being a bitch, I felt, considering the circumstances. So I told her this. "You're being a bitch."
She flipped out on me and left me then and there. Fine. Whatever. Next day on facebook she has put a picture of her and her ex s her profile picture.
So I could be mad that they're probably screwing around, but I'm actually kinda thankful I called her a bitch and she left me. I had felt for a while that she wasn't right for me, but I just HAAAD to stick it out, you know? Well it was a bad deal. The days since all of this have been great though. No more having to worry about her getting pissed at me for things I didn't do or just blowing things outta proportion.
I know you want to be there for here in a way because of her problems. You were there for her in a lot of ways through a lot of things. It isn't meant to be. It hurts, I know. But don't let it fester. You've gotta keep your feet going man.
That behavior does seem very familiar to me. It's funny that they use the smallest excuse to use as justification for what they're doing. All they need is one small thing and then they're angels.
Many people around me have told me to forgive, but not forget. Though I do not think I'm ready to forgive quite yet. I could give it, but it wouldn't be sincere.
Chalk it up to experience, my friend.
I understand. Give it time. I forgive my now ex just because it didn't come as such a shock to me as your situation did. I saw all of this all along and was just naive about it.
I added you on AIM. If you want to talk later just gimme an IM.
What I meant was forgive her for her mistakes etc. but forget HER. Not forget what has happened and what was learned.
Forget her and move on.
Oh yeah, I was angry. Raging. It was hard to deal with so I tried to channel the anger (which didn't completely work out). I became obsessed with wanting to know everything. What she was doing, when, for how long, etc. I called all her friends, her family, etc. I don't know why I felt like I needed to know all this stuff, if maybe I thought it would give me some sense of control over my own life again, but in the end it didn't help. It just made things really more complicated.
Sadness came next, and it was deep. I felt like a failure as a husband. Didn't eat for like 3 days. My immediate family is 600+ miles away, and most of my close friends live about 30 miles away. Honestly the fact that I'm a father, and really the only reliable thing that 3 other lives have for support, is the one thing that pulled me through silly thoughts of harming myself. I had to be stronger than all that, not only for myself but for my sons.
I filed for divorce (myself, without a lawyer) and wrote a tons of clauses for child support and custody into the filing. Later on I took her to court for custody, represented myself, took it all the way to a full trial, and won. Even when she appealed I wrote my own appealate brief, represented myself against her lawyer, and won that too.
Yeah, the anger is hard, but I hate to say its not the hardest part. You'll move on, just hold yourself together as best as you can through the process.
No man should have that kind of power.(Twitter)
Thank you everyone for your support and advice so far, and sharing your own stories. It's helping a lot.
I realized the SN I had listed was out of date, I updated it.
Just keeping on with your normal daily life is a great start. Get back into your normal daily/weekly routine. In my case I started talking to my priest alot, it was just someone nonbiased to talk to about everything. And free compared to a counselor. My friends really didn't want to get too involved, I think they were worried about giving me advice one way or another and steering me in possibly a worse direction, either inadvertently or by my own misinterrpretation of their advice.
One thing my priest said that I really grabbed on to was the concept of being alone. That some of my friends might push to "get back on the horse" or have a reveange lay or something. But you shouldn't need someone else to make your own self-worth whole again. Focus back in on yourself. Do something you've always meant to do but you've been putting it off.
No man should have that kind of power.(Twitter)
Imagine your hate as a ball of black gas, swirling around inside your chest. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Imagine you're breathing in a white, purifiying light, and mixing it around, and when you breathe out you're expelling the hateful gas. Keep doing it until you feel calm.
@gamefacts - Totally and utterly true gaming facts on the regular!
I went through something similar with my ex about a year ago. She decided that she wanted to bang some guy who was engaged and just simply ignore me, lie to me, and steal from me as the best course of action to end our friendship and relationship.
Like others, I sensed something wa sup... she was in a bad situation so I gave her the benefit of the doubt... I own that, I knew I was most likley delaying the inevitable, but I gave it "the old college try" anyways.
Of course, it's hard to keep certain things hidden, especially when you use a shared resource to conduct some of your bullshit (shared phone plan).
I was PISSED... I didn't even find out about the cheating until after I broke it off... but like the OP, I called her Stepdad to #1) Say goodbye, since he was a cool cat... I never said anything other than she lied to me and was not the same person, and #2) To have him tell her to come get her stuff as she was not brave enough to talk to me anymore and I sure as hell wasn't going to spend the time/money to bring it to her.
Likewise, one of her friends asked me what's up and I told her... it is not my place to lie for someone to make them look good. So she used that as a wonderful excuse to try and make herself look like a victim. She made up all these long stories about how unlucky she was to have this guy she loved (the engaged one) so far away (was stationed in Germany) and all this other BS.... she never owned to the fact of what she did and tried to present herself in this "poor me" situation at every turn.
I admit I was struck with the "I've got to know what happened" bug which is why I know any of this. I was, and still am to a lesser degree, just so hurt and angered by what she did, but have no explanation or resolution other than to just let time do it's thing... and it does take time, some aspects seem to be taking much longer for me than others, but it's getting there.
Much like the OP stated, it's like all the positive emotions I had, all the love and happiness were suddenly and irrevocably flipped to an intense negative... dare I say even stronger, since it was all at once.
Love and friendship age and grow like a fine wine, provided the proper conditions they turn into something wonderful.... but intense seething anger is like a gunshot, quick, loud, and messy... and the aftermath is usually not pretty.
So, my little addition to this over. Just find something to occupy your time as best as possible. Movies, games, books, music, hobbies, clubs, work, school, whatever it is... just try and keep yourself from having downtime where your mind will do nothing but wander back to this. It will still happen no matter what, but your goal is to make it happen as little as possible... eventually it'll come up less and less, and better still, even when it does it won't bring up such strong emotions.
This happened about a month ago and it sucks hard for a while. I started taking karate, which helps a huge amount, it takes your mind off everything else, plus helps you get in shape.
Also I went to see a therapist, she really helped me put things in perspective and point me in the right direction.
So keep yourself busy and give it time. It's working for me.
Steam: Kemlo
I'd imagine that part of me, those feelings, that baggage getting dimmer and dimmer. The chains of attachment to certain parts of myself breaking free and fallling behind. In the distance, the future, an illuminated version of myself, happy, free and shining. I'd imagine that future coming closer with every step, filling my with light. If I became angrier, I'd just run harder until either it was gone or I couldn't run anymore.
The dark past fades, the future comes brightly. It worked wonders. A few months later and not only was I in great shape, but really, genuinely happy. There are all kinds of reasons why this worked for me, but putting together an image, recognizing it as something I didn't want to be, and then spending effort on becoming something better and changing those two different self-images in my mind really made the difference for me.
I feel for you Chiba. I certainly didn't know when I was being played, and I would consider myself to be a highly perceptive person. Part of love is not looking at things too closely, to have faith despite specific clues and evidence. The stronger one's emotional attachments are, the bigger the blind spot when it comes to those we love.
If it helps, anger is nature's way of assigning negative feelings to certain signs and memories so you instinctively pick up on them in the future. The angrier you are, the more it hurts, the less likely you are to fall for the same crap when you move forward.
I'm glad to see you working through it, not repressing or ignoring it, but really honestly dealing with it- thats all anyone can ever do really.
I wish you the best to get through these difficult times. Don't view your past two years as wasted time. You gained many experiences that will be valuable in future endeavors. Sooner or later most people go through very similar situations. You are wiser now and won't make the same error later on when it matters more. Good luck.
I feel for you. Ouch.
Mountain biking uphill, on a shitty bike, with a heavy rucksack. That got me though anger before. Being nearly rammed by a pissed-off guy in a Porsche who was stuck behind me helped too.
So last night I decide to text her. Just to be friendly and see whats going on. She said she was busy at a camp and so I said I would just talk to her later. She said she'd text me later that night and I was like ok.
I fell asleep around midnight because i had to go to work in the morning. She texts me three times during the night while I'm asleep. I woke up around 5 to read them. The first one asked if I was awake, and not knowing what time it was I said yes I was.
The next one simply said, "Tyler!"
What? So I asked who Tyler was.
Then it dawned on me that she probably was talking to someone else. Ouch. It really hurt me and it was hard to go back to sleep because I was really, well, devastated.
This morning she told me she had no idea who Tyler was (bullshit) and that she was "sleep texting."
So not only does she feel that after 6 months of talking/being together that she's talking to someone else (probably numerous guys) already, but she thinks I'm stupid. Thats fine and everything, I speculated it. I just didn't really want to know.
I'm finally back home from my first summer class, so I'm able to be around my friends and family and that has helped some due to keeping my mind preoccupied. The thing that reminds me and bothers me the most it seems is references to sex. When that's brought to my attention my mind directly goes to thinking that she had been sleeping with this guy while we were dating and for the follow year. That image, though something I have not seen, is a vivid and disturbing image to have. It's kinda embarrassing because friends think it's weird, or that things dealing with sex freak me out, but it's just it reminds me to quickly. And besides the volume of lying, or maybe not even besides, that seems to me the ultimate betrayal of it all. I'm sure I don't really have to explain it, cause it seems as if half this forum knows exactly what i'm going through with the rest of the situation.
I feel that sexual activity (any of it) is intimate and not something I do with just ANYONE. And yet, my ex was willing to have it with her ex before even wanting to see me in person. That hurts a lot and the image bugs the piss out of me.
My OOOOTHER ex recently ended a relationship with one her friends that I always thought was trying something. Anyway, turns out he was really handsy and grabby. That image itself bugs me.
I really don't know how to deal with that one, bro, but you're not alone
That being said, do you play any music? Music really is something that can really cleanse your mind and feelings, especially if you channel all your rage and emotions into some songs. Hell, if it wasn't for my guitar I don't know how I would have gotten through my grandpa's death that happened a few weeks ago.
Not much of advice, but then again I can't really pinpoint a situation in my lifetime that's similar to yours. Best of luck man.
Also, I know that it sucks right now, but it will go away in time. I wish I had some specific advice to offer on how to deal with it, but I really don't. The most I can say is that about two months ago, my now ex cheated on me by sleeping with her ex boyfriend, and I wasn't able to sleep for about two weeks because I kept having these unbelievably sexually explicit nightmares involving the two of them. They went away on their own pretty fast though, and the sensitivity part where every damn thing in the world brings your mind back to that horrifying image of somebody you loved being intimate with somebody else.... that stops too.
I don't think these things are supposed to be easy...sometimes you've just got to do your best not to let it get the best of you and time helps take care of the rest. I'm really sorry you've got to go through this, but what everybody else is telling you about finding things to do to distract yourself or work it out of your system, that's good stuff. I might even recommend that you listen to them.
Good luck.
and seeing how you are better off than the people there.
The anger stage comes on easy. Its easy to ball your fists up and want to lash out at the problem. And its like loud heavy metal in your head, in your chest, everywhere.
Then you either realize that gets you no where, or you vent, or you just run out of steam. And it stops, like someone pulled the plug on the music.
And there's nothing.
This is the sadness/depression stage, and its really the hardest for alot of reasons. Try to keep yourself busy, around good friends is the best. I know you mentioned contact with her, and I'd recommend avoiding that at this point. You may go backwards back into anger and basically start all over at square 1. If you really have no need to ever contact her again then don't, but if you do its best to hold off on it for as long as possible.
If you've had something on a do-to list for a long time now would be a great opportunity to do it. Maybe something you've been putting off with all your time tied up otherwise. Do something that you know you'll enjoy.
No man should have that kind of power.(Twitter)