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Girlfriend parties too hard
Dance Commander
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, my girlfriend is just starting an internship in NYC. She's going to be there all summer. I live in Ithaca, about a four hour drive away, and we were planning on visiting four-six times over the course of the summer, mostly in the form of me going down to NYC.
Yesterday was her orientation day, and after, she went out partying with this guy who tried to hook up with her once before we started dating. Him, along with a few of his friends, take her out to a bar (she's 20, but doesn't get carded) and she gets pretty darn wasted.
Now, she likes to drink. She likes to drink a LOT, way more than I do. If it's available, she'll start drinking at 10 am. It's very rarely available, so it's usually not an issue, but lately I've been kind of worried about her level of alcohol intake. In the brief break between school and her internship when she was living in my apartment (I'm 21) she was drinking four-five drinks a day, starting more or less just after breakfast, and since she's 5'3" tall, it hits her pretty hard.
Anyway, she gets drunk, which is probably her own choice at this point. Then they take her to a club, and she's dancing, and tons of guys apparently try to grope her, but she fends them off. I guess this is par the course for clubs, but it still makes me uncomfortable.
While they're at the club, the guy who tried to hook up with her keeps buying her drinks, even though she says she can't drink any more. And then she drinks them anyway. Then, when they go home, he insists he needs to walk her up to her apartment, and won't take no for an answer. The security guard ends up having to get rid of the guy because he just won't leave.
Now, every part of this makes me uncomfortable to varying degrees. From least to most: the guys groping her, her drinking in general (especially worrisome since apparently no place in NYC cards and she'll be there all summer), and the creepy dude pouring drinks down her throat and trying to get into her room.
She left a facebook post on my wall, and called me this morning, both messages basically to the effect of "Hey, I didn't cheat on you! Tons of guys tried to hook up with me but I turned them all down! Aren't you proud?"
And I told her, truthfully, that the whole situation makes me really uncomfortable (although I didn't address her drinking habit). It seems like not cheating on me is kind of a basic thing you should do as part of a relationship, and knowing that she has lots and lots of opportunities to do so, combined with a habit that decreases inhibition, scares the shit out of me.
I, personally, drink very rarely, so I can't really understand the alcohol culture amongst kids my age (I'm 21, in school still). As a result, I apparently frequently overreact to things that are 'normal' at frat parties etc. When I hear stories about how some guy tried to rape a girl by pouring booze down her throat, but failed, that is deeply disturbing. But my girlfriend and her friends just brush it off as par the course.
Am I being ridiculous? All I know is that her going out, getting trashed, and clubbing makes me feel like shit.
Yesterday was her orientation day, and after, she went out partying with this guy who tried to hook up with her once before we started dating. Him, along with a few of his friends, take her out to a bar (she's 20, but doesn't get carded) and she gets pretty darn wasted.
Now, she likes to drink. She likes to drink a LOT, way more than I do. If it's available, she'll start drinking at 10 am. It's very rarely available, so it's usually not an issue, but lately I've been kind of worried about her level of alcohol intake. In the brief break between school and her internship when she was living in my apartment (I'm 21) she was drinking four-five drinks a day, starting more or less just after breakfast, and since she's 5'3" tall, it hits her pretty hard.
Anyway, she gets drunk, which is probably her own choice at this point. Then they take her to a club, and she's dancing, and tons of guys apparently try to grope her, but she fends them off. I guess this is par the course for clubs, but it still makes me uncomfortable.
While they're at the club, the guy who tried to hook up with her keeps buying her drinks, even though she says she can't drink any more. And then she drinks them anyway. Then, when they go home, he insists he needs to walk her up to her apartment, and won't take no for an answer. The security guard ends up having to get rid of the guy because he just won't leave.
Now, every part of this makes me uncomfortable to varying degrees. From least to most: the guys groping her, her drinking in general (especially worrisome since apparently no place in NYC cards and she'll be there all summer), and the creepy dude pouring drinks down her throat and trying to get into her room.
She left a facebook post on my wall, and called me this morning, both messages basically to the effect of "Hey, I didn't cheat on you! Tons of guys tried to hook up with me but I turned them all down! Aren't you proud?"
And I told her, truthfully, that the whole situation makes me really uncomfortable (although I didn't address her drinking habit). It seems like not cheating on me is kind of a basic thing you should do as part of a relationship, and knowing that she has lots and lots of opportunities to do so, combined with a habit that decreases inhibition, scares the shit out of me.
I, personally, drink very rarely, so I can't really understand the alcohol culture amongst kids my age (I'm 21, in school still). As a result, I apparently frequently overreact to things that are 'normal' at frat parties etc. When I hear stories about how some guy tried to rape a girl by pouring booze down her throat, but failed, that is deeply disturbing. But my girlfriend and her friends just brush it off as par the course.
Am I being ridiculous? All I know is that her going out, getting trashed, and clubbing makes me feel like shit.
Dance Commander on
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You seem to have a similar view to mine regarding the whole alcohol thing - Sure nothing wrong with a few drinks every once in a while, but on the whole, if you need to drink yourself blind constantly to have some fun, then something needs to be corrected.
And it's only a matter of time before she does some stupid shit, or something shit happens to her because she will be too drunk to care/notice.
Both her and the guy were drunk, he had the hots for her and thought this was his chance, she got security to kick him out. This usually means that the guy gets the "hint" and backs the fuck away now. I wouldn't worry about your girlfriend all of a sudden falling in love with him after that.
She is in NYC and likes to go to clubs, she's pretty much in heaven in that respect, you gotta give her some space here. The alcohol thing is worrisome, have you ever had a serious talk about it with her? It's pretty damned obvious she loves you dearly, that usually means you can have an honest talk with her.
About all you can do is trust her. Expressing how worried you are won't cause any real damage, as long as you don't go the way of "you're drunk and hot and people will want to fuck you and at some point you'll let them!"
ie, making her sound like the bad guy
I can understand your frustration. Just don't take it out on her. She hasn't done anything wrong.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
You keep giving this piece of advice to different threads and I agree on it with different varying levels based on the situation, but I'd urge you to think of a better way of saying it.
The fact of the matter is that love is an incredibly impressive emotion. Genuine concern for a loved one is a strong force, and with the right receptive person, it CAN change them. It's what interventions are made of. I'd say that what you're seeing here could be just a girl cutting loose because she's having the opportunity for the first time, but I'd also say if it continues it's just straight up alcoholism. Starting to drink at 10am and drinking throughout the day, with a lack of an ability to stop, is a problem.
As far as the guys thing? Not a problem - she's an adult, she'll make her decision on that front, and it'd be really hard for you to say anything without being a possessive boyfriend. It doesn't mean you won't, or that you shouldn't, but that's how it'll come off. At the end of the day, there will always be the vultures circling your relationship, and you have to trust the love and respect you have for each other. If you can't, it's not much of a relationship.
Pretty much. As for the alcohol thing, liver damage doesn't occur until several years of hard drinking right? So if it's not a health concern, then OP, your problem with her drinking is once again based on believing she might do something bad while drunk. Drinking right after breakfast DOES sound excessive to me (but then I never drink) but unless it is hurting her, then you're gonna find it hard to tell her to change it since she's an adult and all that. You could let her know that her alcohol consumption levels worry you but realize that you're not really in a position to ask her to change.
That sucks, but you move on fmro that to a better relatinoship.
you might want to mention to her that the stories of creeps at the bar tends to get you all riled up and protective, and ask her to cut back a little on the tale-telling of near gropes and bar foolery
I suggest you raise your concerns, but remember that you have to look out for your own happiness and if you think this is going down hill or that you can't deal with it then I would look elsewhere for a relationship.
Tell her that, yes, you are proud of her for taking care of herself and being faithful to you. (This validates her in her own mind) But also tell her that you know she's having a good time but you're also afraid that someone there might try to take advantage of her and you hope that she will be safe whenever she goes out. (Asserts you being protective without looking like you're jealous).
When do you get to go see her? Maybe that time would be the best to voice your concern about how much she drinks. Over the phone it seems like it would just sound more like you being the "left back home" guy that's jealous she's having fun... (I'm not saying that's the case, just saying how she might take it).
Ultimately, regardless of if it's a long distance relationship or not, people that really care for each other work hard to make a relationship work, and it takes trust AND consideration on both parts. You'll need to trust her and her abilities and judgement, and she needs to consider how her actions affect you and your relationship, and from there you can take steps to make it a healthy relationship....
If one or both of you aren't willing to make those concessions, well, you're both probably better off moving on and being with people that fulfill a healthy partnership.
The others are right that it is her choice; but if you have an honest relationship (honesty as well as trust is what makes a long distance relationship work) you should be able to communicate those feelings to her.
Don't keep ragging on her about it, though. That won't help anything.
I wouldn't say that's the worst case scenario Improv. A girl alone and very drunk is a bad thing. Concerns about date rape, mugging and straight up hurting herself in some way are valid if she's drinking as much as it sounds like she is.
You can't fix people, but you can inspire change in them.
Tell her how much it bothers you. You shouldn't have to change to accommodate her alcoholism. If it bothers you that much keep pressing the issue. And if it isn't going to change, sorry to say it, leave her. If drinking is more important to her than you, she isn't worth it.
Yikes.
Anyway, she had some serious problems otherwise, but the point is that you can't really expect to change someone's behavior when it comes to something like this. Hopefully your girlfriend won't cheat on you (and it says something that she had ample opportunity to, without you even needing to find out, but stood her ground), but you're unfortunately only going to make things worse for both of you if you're breathing down her neck about it.
Thus the parentheticals
I've come to the conclusion that anyone (especially girls) from 18-30 don't have the slightest idea what the fuck they want from life. I dunno if that has anything to do with the infidelity people so often have, but I can't imagine it helps. Anyway...get out now with a clean cut before you get too involved. Meet new people and remember that you aren't going to change her.
Yeah, this. She sounds like she's passed over the hazy line and is into full-on alcoholism. Her cheating on you shouldn't be your main concern at this point, it should be her health and safety. Any problems in your relationship should be worked out when she's sober.
Dont be afraid to tell her shit either, and bring stuff up with the upmost fortitude.
Worst comes to worst, if she does cheat dump the bitch immediately. No talking, no conversing or attempting to understand, dump the cunt.
That being the worst case scenario. How long have you been with the girl? and explain to her. I dont trust you like this.
I'm still convinced bitches were put on this earth to keep decent men from getting what they want
This may come as a shock but there is not, in fact, "just one bitch with many faces". Different girls are different people, and many people are not okay with lying to their loved ones, and many people are not okay with cheating. Note that lots of guys are big fans of cheating and lying to their girlfriends, does this mean that your girlfriend should default to the assumption that you are lying to her and cheating on her?
Mine does
A girl exhibiting behaviors also exhibited in guys doesn't really go against anything I said. And the question was "should" not "does" and the correct answer is "no she should not unless I've given her good reason to". Drinking with people other than you doesn't constitute "good reason".
Well she's in the wrong then. Misandry isn't better than misogyny.
What I don't understand is why the whole "at this stage in her life she wants to experiment and have fun" reason is so popular when talking about everyone who isn't me or the OP of one of these threads. What about the rest of us? Hell, I want to "experiment" and "have fun" too, but you don't see me going out and getting blotto, especially if it raised flags for a significant other. For "universal advice," in my personal experience that little morsel is applied unfortunately sporadically.
(but yeah, i also vote against this "bitches be crazy" mentality. if i were the OP, i would consider have a discussion with her regarding drinking habits and fidelity, although she does seem to hold her ground perfectly, all things considered. echoing what others have said.)
edit: oh man that is a song title, wow
You say many, I say rare. A good hearted person is rare. Should anyone assume anything? Probably not - but we aren't assuming here. This girl is showing him obvious reasons why he would be better off cutting loose. He should get out before he gets any more deeply involved.
Did you seriously just namedrop a Panic at the Disco song in an attempt to validate your opinion that no one 18-30 is capable of being faithful?
What obvious reasons? That at 20 she drinks more than she should and sometimes she parties with people other than him? Yeah that sounds like a horrible person right there. Either that or a college-student. In order for those facts to become "obvious reasons" you have to make assumptions, so you are, in fact, assuming here. And people who don't and won't cheat aren't all that rare anywhere I've been, perhaps it's a problem of who you hang out with in particular rather than wimminz as a group.
SHE ISN'T WORTH IT. As in, she isn't worth the time spent trying to get the relationship to work.
You are making the assumption that OP has a meaningful relation with someone who is not good hearted, I am pretty sure the OP disagrees with that assumption based on the idea that he did not fall in love with a mean person. As much fun as it is to consider everyone you meet to be a little lying asshole it really isn't going to get anyone anywhere.
You could say the same about other "universal advice", like what goes around comes around, people change, people never change, it gets better with time.
I think a lot of people go thru 18-20-22 years of being sheltered and cared for (not everyone) but when they finally get on their own, they want to do all the things they couldn't do before. Some people are able to understand that certain things are wrong, and don't have the desire to try them. These people are intelligent. I wish I was.
Ya i just went thru the same shit he went thru. I was ready to buy a house with this girl. I also had the idea she wasn't mean, or a little lying asshole. I was wrong.
All i really want to get across is that he can't change her. You can't change people unless they want to change themselves. And even then...most of the time (deep down) they don't want to change.
Either way, good luck with your situation. I hope you don't get hurt.
Once again, partying in college isn't actually "wrong". If you can't keep it under control it will fuck you, but that's true of a whole fucktonne of otherwise innocuous activities.