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Something like a date that isn't a date.
Szer
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello there dear PAers,
I am here to see advice about date like situations that aren't really dates. See, this girl I sort of like has a boyfriend, but I would still like to get to know her better. Obviously I can't make strong moves on her right now, so the whole candle lit dinner thing is not an option. Do you have any ideas? What has worked for you in the past. Obviously this is situational, but I would love to hear from you.
The demographic is as follows:
21 year old college student
I am here to see advice about date like situations that aren't really dates. See, this girl I sort of like has a boyfriend, but I would still like to get to know her better. Obviously I can't make strong moves on her right now, so the whole candle lit dinner thing is not an option. Do you have any ideas? What has worked for you in the past. Obviously this is situational, but I would love to hear from you.
The demographic is as follows:
21 year old college student
Szer on
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Posts
I've been through a relationship that started off with me being the other guy, and other than the obvious trust issues from such a scratchy start, she also had tremendous guilt for a few months. It's not any way to start a real relationship.
But if you're going to do it, admit to yourself what you're doing. It's going to be bloody obvious to anybody else who sees it that you're trying to get romantically close to somebody who is "taken." Trying to say that it "wasn't really a date" isn't going to fool anybody - not yourself, not her, not her boyfriend, not her friends, nobody. Somebody in the situation is probably going to get pissed off, and trying to play it off like "it wasn't really a date" is just going to piss them off further. So you're uncomfortable enough with what you're doing that you feel you need to half-ass it, maybe you should take Frylock's advice above and find somebody else to devote your energy towards.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
If you want to get to know her better without it seeming like a date, your best bet is probably group things. Get some people together to go out and do whatever, and just spend some time chatting with her while you're out.
That being said, I also wouldn't really recommend trying to subvert the boyfriend.
The difference:
Thoughts while hanging out with a random person you just met: "Hmm, should I get Orange Flavored Chicken or try out that new Spicy Mongolian Beef? Did they raise ticket prices at the theater again? Jesus, where's my student ID?"
Thoughts of this guy while hanging out with this girl: "Hey I wonder whether she'll want to hook up with me more if I order Orange Flavored Chicken or Spicy Mongolian Beef? Do you think that 'spicy beef' says 'bold and daring?' I wonder what her boyfriend orders. The prick. I hope I have enough cash to pay for two theater tickets because it will help me ply my way into her pants. I wonder if I can get the student discount without being too obvious so I don't look poor and/or cheap."
Unless the boyfriend is known to you to be a terrible terribly person you really have no claim this, cause you are basically actively seeking to fuck over someone else's life to improve your own.
Also, the chances of someone giving you a legitimate ass kicking greatly increase if you do this as well.
//Not bitter about this happening a few months ago at all...
And +1 to DrFrylock's original post.
Getting this to stop happening is very relevant to my interests.
Or do you think that if she leaves her boyfriend for you that you'll change her?
Poor move either way - keep it in your pants man.
So the moral is, don't be a douche and try to co-opt someone else's relationship. If she goes for it, you don't wanna be with her, and if she doesn't, you're just a dick for trying it at all. It's pretty much a no-win. Find someone else.
Do something fun you would ordinarily do, like a movie or a band you like, and then ask if she would like to come along. Be in your element. If she prefers your element to his, then let her switch over- naturally.
In the same line though, I'd caution you against actively trying to 'steal' her; I think somebody already said, if she jacks over some guy for you, its just a matter of time before she does the same thing to you, and it will always be something there in the back of your mind. How can you trust someone like that?
Also, expect social blowback, because it will soon be clear amongst your social circle that -you- can also not be trusted, and if you start hanging out with someone's girlfriend, the best bet would either be to make sure you are embarrassed or shit-pounded on the spot. It throws all the times you spend with other peep's SO's into question, genuinely platonic or not.
So many of you guys are all about this don't steal another mans girl bullshit. I say its bullshit because there is no such thing as stealing a girl or blah blah whatever you want to call it.
I have known so many girls that are simply in relationships because it was easy at the time, not because theirs was anything special.
I quoted this post because its about the best I have read so far. Its about natural selection, who has chemistry and what not. If your genuinly interested in the girl and think there is potential just be yourself and see how it rolls.
If she goes for though don't let her cheat on her boy. Make it clear that you are interested in a relationship with her, not a fling.
Then she will decide who she likes more, and you will have to take her answer.
I totally agree, and besides "stealing" implies ownership. This girl has the free will to make this decision on her own. I don't see any reason for asking a girl out to dinner or lunch and just seeing where things go from there. Be honest with her if it comes up, explain how you feel. I'm not hearing that there is even necessarily a good chance that this girl will be okay with going behind her boyfriend's back.
And yeah you might get your ass handed to you by an angry boyfriend if you do manage to pull this off.
Sometimes other people are a great catalyst for realizing that the relationship you're in isn't working for you.
There are a bunch of post like this. While I realize none of you really are trying to objectify (if that is how you say it) a girl, it really comes off that way.
The original poster stated that he does not plan on making any moves, because she has a boyfriend. I don't see what the issue is if he wants to get to know her better while respecting the relationship she has. As long as isn't a catalyst for the relationship ending because he is actively trying to date her I don't see what the problem is. Are you not allowed to start as friends with girls because they have a boyfriend?
I was in a similar situation before. A girl lived a few blocks away from me and she had a boyfriend. I had a chemistry class with her and one day we started to talk in class and things clicked. She invited to me study, go out to dinner, and go out on weekends. I totally respected her relationship, even though I thought at the time she was awesome. I wasn't going to be the catalyst for her relationship to be over but at the same time, if one of you told me I coulden't get to know her better because she had a boyfriend, I think your wrong.
He's not starting out as friends. He's doing this because he's attracted to her. He admitted such.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I still don't see a why that is such a big deal. He said he wasn't going to make a move because she had a boyfriend. Who knows, she could break up in a few weeks. Or she could stay together. Worst case scenario for him, who is attracted to her, is he ends up with a new friend. I don't understand why he can't get to know her better because she has a boyfriend.
The implication is that he is going to make subtle moves immediately and strong moves later on - as in, he is totally trying to get in her pants.
I don't get it some of these comments.
A girl is free to make her own decisions regarding who she is in a relationship with.
Tube has said this many times, if she is going to cheat on you she is going to cheat on you and there is nothing you can do about it.
And frankly, those aren't the kind of girls you want to be going after anyway.
Agreed, but getting to know a girl with the intention of trying to get in her pants is being manipulative and false. Pretending to be her friend when your true intention is to have sex with her is treating the girl like a sex object.
This is what I was trying to say.
If you want to go out with her, just man up and ask her out exactly as you would as if she were single.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
It would help if the OP clarified his intentions though.