Relationship Issue

Gonmun

O.K., I know that there's probably been tons of threads along similar lines but I really wanted to ask for some objective advice in regards to an issue I've been having. I apologize ahead of time if I make any grammatical mistakes, am confusing, etc.

I've been with my fiancee for a little over 5 years now, we met after I left college. She has a son who is now 9 y/o and I have essentially been the "Dad" since his biological father left the picture some time ago. She is 3 years older than I am and has been married before to another guy after son's biological father left when he was a baby. The man she married was a jerk and they were only together for 2 years. He wound up cheating and causing her a lot of problems which made her turn to one of her friends and wound up having an affair. After all this transpired a few months later I came into the picture. Things had been running somewhat smoothly with a few bumps along the road that we managed to get past.

2 years ago we moved to the city after living in a small town for about another 2 years. We'd moved a couple of times because of internal transfers with work and finally got fed up and moved to be closer to her family, better job oppurtunities, etc. Since we've had some rough times financially, my credit has taken a few shots thanks to having to put off some bill payments in order for us to get by, and for a time we seemed to be growing apart. She got a job where her hours varied from day to day and I was on a graveyard shift getting home in the early morning hours. She wound up turning to watching movies and chatting with old college friends (I'll make a note of something a little later on with that), and I would spend time on the computer chatting and doing online Role Playing, listening to music and video's when I felt like it. I still tried to spend time with our son as did she though it did put a strain on things for him as his grandmother was the one who would babysit when we were both working.

About 3 months ago, we had a big blowup where she felt I was spending too much time on the computer and I wasn't putting forth any effort in the relationship when I was the one that was originally feeling like she had moved on to other things and didn't want to spend any time together (and no, I'm not just talking about sex here for those who might be thinking it). We had an argument and made up. She had her birthday which went alright, we had our 5 year anniversary and then she received a bouquet of flowers from one of her college friends with a card that said "For no reason, the best reason."

Here's where things get a bit odd for me. You see, she started a college course about 6 months after we got together. There was a guy there who was really "friendly". Hanging around with her, helping her with school work, helping make posters when she ran for student council. He even offered to pay her cable bill at one point when she was tight for money. Needless to say I wasn't impressed but I sent him an email explaining how I was feeling and he assured me his intentions were noble and that he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the relationship I had with my g/f at the time.

Fast forward to now again, my fiancee had gone back to the town that we lived to visit some friends and never told me that she wound up going to this guys apartment to visit which I would have been fine with, as it turns out though she says that he professed feelings for her and that he loved her. She told him it wouldn't work from what she told me and for the past year they've just been nothing more than friends. She brought this up after we had another blow up and I was thinking about finding my own place. We wound up working things out but I'm still feeling unsure about the validity of whether they just talked or not which I know I shouldn't but I can't help but wonder why she didn't tell me until now since me and this guy were on o.k. terms by then. Even now I'm just not sure whether things are working out and I'm wondering if I'm just beating the proverbial dead horse so to speak. So yeah, there's my issue, probably a no brainer for a lot of you folks but since you've dished out a lot of advice in the past I thought I would ask. Thanks for any advice.

hellobuddy

wish there was proper advice to give, but this is the kinda thing you have to blindfolded with your gut as a guide. Just remember that your gut sometimes lies to you and you have to do just opposite of what it says. Im great at advice.

CooterTKE

you may look to professional help if you want to save the relationship. Looks like to me neither one of you are communicating well and have become seperate people.

ceres

You can try to sort everything out into little mental piles.. writing down all the facts you have in evidence, all your suppositions, and all your fears. Write out the good things, too. Staring at it all in writing might make some things a bit clearer for you.

Unfortunately, this is one of those things where nobody can give you a definitive "right thing to do", and if they think they can, the probably shouldn't. There's just too much you need to sort out.

In the end, you're going to need to soul-search for yourself. You probably already know somewhere what you want/need to do. I'd ask you this, though: She's your fiancee.. how long have you been engaged? Is there a date for the wedding, or is it a less formal engagement? How much would you miss her, and having the child in your life?

What is it you that need that you feel like you aren't getting? Whether or not you know it, there is usually an answer to that last question, even if the answer is 'I need to feel like I can trust' or 'I need to go to the movies more often' or 'I could really go for a tuna hoagie right about now'. Once you have the question/answer in mind, it can be discussed, and maybe if you haven't yet you need to sit down and do that with her. Hopefully that will give you more answers than we can.

tsmvengy

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt on this "other guy." She didn't tell you about it because it was a non-issue. Look at it from her perspective: she went to visit a good friend, he professed his undying love, she said "not interested" and that was the end of it. Maybe you two just need to sit down and figure out what each of you is missing, either by yourselves or with a counselor.

Houk

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about this guy so much. It sounds like you have much deeper, long-standing issues that deserve your attention right now. If you can sort those out, this guy sounds like a non-issue, and if you can't sort them out, well...he's still a non-issue I'd say.

Cliff

So, it sounds like you are still in your twenties. This girl has baggage in a couple different ways. She has a child. You are having doubts. You are not yet married, so you still have a window. I really hate to be the asshole here, but I say bail. I will have to disagree with a previous poster, your gut is very rarely wrong. And thats how people get stuck in bad relationships, they care too much about someone else and let it mess up their natural compass.
If you are having doubts, LISTEN to them. The thing is, marriage is forever. FOREVER. You really need to sit down and think about this. You haven't even walked down the isle, and you feel like there's a rift between you. A wedding will not fix, its just a ceremony.

At the very least, I suggest you take a vacation, by yourself. I think it would be good for you to get away from everything for a few days and really take stock of your situation.

Preacher

From what you've told us you're leaning towards she is cheating or cheated on you (you bring up that she cheated on her previous husband you wouldn't do that if you didn't think she did it again).

It's hard to say what's going on, she told you she went to a guys house, but didn't do anything like she wants you to congratulate her for that? But she didn't tell you she was visting him in the first place.

I'd say seek professional counseling if you can afford it.

Gonmun

Thank you, everyone for your thoughts and words of advice and encouragement. I know that with something like this it would seem like there isn't much of a cut and dry way to get a resolution to it.

ceres wrote: »

She's your fiancee.. how long have you been engaged? Is there a date for the wedding, or is it a less formal engagement? How much would you miss her, and having the child in your life?

To answer this, there isn't a date, in fact she still hasn't had a divorce from the guy. He had said he would pay for it but big surprise that didn't happen. He's in the military as well and he just got shipped off to the states so I have no idea when this might happen. We've been engaged for about 2 1/2 years now with no date set, both for financial reasons and the fact that this divorce isn't resolved. I even offered to pay for it at times and she's had money at times to do it herself but it just hasn't been done and I don't want to start being a hound about it. I would miss having her and her child in my life, I consider him my son, people even think he's biologically mine since we look so much alike but at the same time I want us all to be happy.

As far as the suggestion from a few in regards to counselling, I'd been considering it but I want to talk to her about it and see if she was willing. Guess we would just have to go from there.

Again, thank you everyone for your thoughts on this. I really appreciate it.

DodgeBlan

Based on the little you've told us it doesn't sound to me like shes cheated on you.

It also doesn't sound like a very good relationship.

AlyceInWonderland

Gonmun wrote: »

I even offered to pay for it at times and she's had money at times to do it herself but it just hasn't been done and I don't want to start being a hound about it.

Honestly, I WOULD start being a hound about the final divorce of her ex husband, another man, who isn't you.
You're engaged to her, you love her, an I honestly believe that she does love you back. Talk to her about her divorce to her exhusband. Tell her how you would like to move forward, and possibly set a date for your marriage. I think actually setting some sort of date, even if it is a couple YEARS down the line, gives more motivation for things to move forward, and also gives something to look forward to.

I really hope everything goes well with you and your family. Best wishes!

Sarcastro

She fucked him on the boat.

Ah, memories.

this:

He even offered to pay her cable bill at one point when she was tight for money.

Is pretty much a matchbook from a sleazy motel. The flowers? Pretty much a reciept from said motel.

Protip: Guys don't feel obligated to spend money on women for no real reason.

A meal? Sure. 20$? Sure. But a hundred and whatever change? Nuh-uh. Buddy is getting something back. Maybe just emotional closeness, maybe an advance to another situation, but man, anything over pocket change (your pockets may vary) is an investment.

Did she, didn't she bleeblooblah. You're not going to get a straight answer on that. From anyone. Denial is standard, and admittance would be relationship suicide. But you did make yourself emotionally unavailible to someone who has a history of getting that from other sources when its not around. And obviously those other sources reciprocated.

Whether or not isn't even the question, its whether or not thinking about it is going to eat you alive. Either you're getting what you need from the relationship, or you're not. If you are, try and let it go, I guess. If you're not, then do what needs doing.

ceres

A lot of this sounds really funny to me. I'm not saying run out right now, but it sounds like there are a lot of things that need serious discussion here, including the fact that she's not divorced yet. Having been through it once, I know it can take years till the other party gets off their ass, but they'll never do it without some hounding. That alone would be brought up by me at least once a month. It's hard to take that step, but it is very important, and she shouldn't be engaged talking about another marriage (IMO) while she's not yet divorced.