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Forgetting her and moving on...
MayGodHaveMercy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I apologize in advance. I know this shit is done to death, but none of the other existing threads I browsed through really had any sage advice regarding my current situation. That being said...
Kristen. That's what we're calling her, because that's her name. None of you know her, I'm sure. I'm apparently head-over-heels in love with Kristen. The last three months have been a swirling vortex of emotion, and she is the eye of the storm. I've already made it known where I stand on the issue, and she's made it equally clear that she doesn't feel the same way. I let her know I could handle that (I can't).
Here's where everything goes to hell. We had a long, drawn out chat about my feelings vs. her feelings. Got everything out in the open. Since that conversation, we've been seeing a lot more of eachother. Dinner dates. Movies. Cooking for her at my place. You name it. There's also the physical aspect. I'm a very hands-on guy, and she lets me indulge. I'm not talking fondling or anything like that. Just, hand on the small of the back, or around the waist, or massages. Stuff like that.
So... what I want/need now, is a way to distance myself from her. Unfortunately, I run in a pretty tight group of friends, and she's part of it. Every party, she's there. Every night of bar-hopping? She's there. I don't want to distance myself from my friends, because honestly, they are the only thing keeping me going right now. Without them, I'd sit at home, play video games, and eat myself to death. Another problem, as much as I say I want to distance myself from her... I can't stop thinking about her. She's constantly running around my mind, and I want nothing more than to be as close to her as possible... while at the same time, I want the exact opposite. I don't know what to do, but I have to do something, because I'm fast reverting to the manic depressive me of old. Took me a long time to dig my way out of that hole, and I'd really rather not fall back in. I honestly don't know what to do short of severing all ties (with most of my friends, mind you), which I don't think I'm capable of.
Oh! I guess I left out something of relative import... There's another guy who's into her. I don't really know how she feels about him. But I know that they text back and forth a lot, and she does it while she's hanging out with me. I'm not going to tell her "Hey, I can't handle when you text him while you're hanging out with me," because holy insecurities, Batman. But man, is that kosher? Does she do it with malicious intent, or is it completely innocent?
Kristen. That's what we're calling her, because that's her name. None of you know her, I'm sure. I'm apparently head-over-heels in love with Kristen. The last three months have been a swirling vortex of emotion, and she is the eye of the storm. I've already made it known where I stand on the issue, and she's made it equally clear that she doesn't feel the same way. I let her know I could handle that (I can't).
Here's where everything goes to hell. We had a long, drawn out chat about my feelings vs. her feelings. Got everything out in the open. Since that conversation, we've been seeing a lot more of eachother. Dinner dates. Movies. Cooking for her at my place. You name it. There's also the physical aspect. I'm a very hands-on guy, and she lets me indulge. I'm not talking fondling or anything like that. Just, hand on the small of the back, or around the waist, or massages. Stuff like that.
So... what I want/need now, is a way to distance myself from her. Unfortunately, I run in a pretty tight group of friends, and she's part of it. Every party, she's there. Every night of bar-hopping? She's there. I don't want to distance myself from my friends, because honestly, they are the only thing keeping me going right now. Without them, I'd sit at home, play video games, and eat myself to death. Another problem, as much as I say I want to distance myself from her... I can't stop thinking about her. She's constantly running around my mind, and I want nothing more than to be as close to her as possible... while at the same time, I want the exact opposite. I don't know what to do, but I have to do something, because I'm fast reverting to the manic depressive me of old. Took me a long time to dig my way out of that hole, and I'd really rather not fall back in. I honestly don't know what to do short of severing all ties (with most of my friends, mind you), which I don't think I'm capable of.
Oh! I guess I left out something of relative import... There's another guy who's into her. I don't really know how she feels about him. But I know that they text back and forth a lot, and she does it while she's hanging out with me. I'm not going to tell her "Hey, I can't handle when you text him while you're hanging out with me," because holy insecurities, Batman. But man, is that kosher? Does she do it with malicious intent, or is it completely innocent?
XBL: Mercy XXVI - Steam: Mercy_XXVI - PSN: Mercy XXVI
MayGodHaveMercy on
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And here is the thing, you need to stop making it her business. Let her talk to the other guy, its none of your business. She is not obligated to keep herself single just because you have feelings for her and will get jealous.
You need to take a step back and look at this objectively. What if a girl you had no romantic interest in had a big crush on you. Do you think it would be fair for her to constantly rehash their feelings for you even after you have made it clear you are not interested? What if they implied that you should not be interested in anyone else, because even though you have told her you don't feel the same way, she has a crush and its your obligation to stay single? Would it be fair if she thought any interest you showed toward other girls was specifically done to make her jealous? Why would you have any incentive to make her feel jealous if you don't like her?
See how this works? She isn't talking to this other guy to make you feel bad, she is talking to him because she is interested in him, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
I am not saying this to be harsh, but hopefully to give you a bit of a reality check. Romantic notions make people think egocentrically, thats not your fault, thats part of the human condition. But if you can realize this, you can start to turn it around.
Why do you like her so much? Make out a list if you need to. Then look at that list, analyze every point. Is she really that special? Is she really worth acting like a puppy dog around her? Again, think about this objectively. Have you simply grown attached to her because you have known her for a while?
Then think about this. You have the power, the ability, to right here and now, just get over her. I know many would argue this point, but it is true. You can look yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you have given it your best shot, but she is clearly not interested in me, its time to move on.
Then, you can call up some of your friends, a small enough group so you do not have to include everyone, the objective being, go do something without her. Go to a bar, go to the movies. But while your out, take a look around you. Chances are you will see several women your age. If you let yourself, you may find yourself thinking, hey she's cute, so is she.
Rinse, repeat, work out if that helps, pick up another hobby. If you want to play video games, play some video games, I actually think they are pretty therueputic if you balance them with other hobbies. All, that energy you have spent pining for this girl, force yourself to use it on something else.
Unless you are some strange exception, or this girl just happens to be aphrodite, you will get over her. But you have to want to.
Now that I've got my sarcasm and disdain for these situations out of the way, lets go over a few things:
You Fucked yourself.... great job! You've now established that you are starting with a handicap. Atleast you know it. Lying about this is the worst thing you can do. Let her know this, and not in any uncertain terms either.
You need to quit this hanging out shit.
Now we're on the right path!
You need to make your own space. If that means leaving your friends for a while, so be it. No crazy bitch making you feel dejected, in a group of your closest friends none the less, is worth the heart ache it's going to lead you to. There's NOTHING more demeaning that can happen to you.
STFU and get over it. I'm sure you've got more to live for than one chick out there.... mind over matter. You can do it.
Do not use the "i'm turning into what i used to be" as your final card. Although it may look like an Ace to you, It's nothing more than a deuce. Instead, say "It's not healthy for me to be like this", and "I've dug myself out of worse".... because if you were "manic depresive" before, stating that you're going back to it is admitting that she's better than you. Although 'romantic' in some sort of twisted, messed up way, it's detrimental to what you need to do to heal.
If you're too big a pussy to make new friends for a few months to heal, then you wouldn't be asking people on the interwebs for help.
Fuck her, and fuck that guy. You're not interested in her anymore, so quit hanging out with her, and quit pining over her. Once you clear that, then you'll realize you don't give a shit how much she texts him back and forth, and that you really shouldn't care either.
You sound hopeless, but I know you can get over it. You'll be ok. From what I can tell, you haven't exchanged the "I love you's" or made wedding plans, or anything like that, so you'll be alright. There's a path to getting over shit like this:
1. Admit there's a problem
2. Create a path to fix that problem
3. Give yourself fully to this path
4. Months... or maybe even years from now if needed, go back for damage control. (Optional)
You can always make new friends. You can easily find another girl. You can't repair the damage done with your emotions for crazy bitches easily.
Remember.... Crazy Bitches do Crazy Shit. Admit that, and you can deal with anything thrown your direction.
Did I miss anything?
MayGodHaveMercy, you like her, she doesn't like you the same way, and that sucks for you. Basically that's all there is to it. She's been kind to you, so you need to be courteous back and tell her that, at least for now, you're not able to be around her. Then, grow a spine and find some new people to hang out with, or else hang out with your current friends one-on-one until you're sufficiently over Kristen to hang out as a group again.
Don't start drama, don't make your friends choose between you and her. Give yourself time to let your feelings for her fade away and then, potentially, you can be friends again.
Just make sure you are not alone with her and you will be fine. Maybe, after a while you might be able to be alone with her, after the feelings are gone. But till then, make it a group thing. Just make it a group thing where you are not concentrating on her. Keep all conversation with her casual. None of the deep touchy feely shit. You already did that, there is nothing else to say.
Make an active effort to talk to and pay attention to her less.
but they're listening to every word I say
Based on the OP, i dont think he will be able to pull that off. He's obsessed and the OP is fishing for exactly that kind of advice, that will let him still indulge in his obsession. I respectfully disagree with your advice.
MayGodHaveMercy, i think you know that all the earlier posters are right, and i think you knew that even before you posted. Cutting off all contact is the way to go. She sounds like a nice enough girl, have a chat to her, say you arent dealing with the situation well at all, and you're going to need time apart to work everything out. Dont give a timeframe because it will probably take longer than you hope. She might be a bit upset about it, but be upfront about your reasons and i think she'll accept your decision. Yes, this may mean you'll have less access to your friends... thats unfortunately a side effect of having a shared circle of friends, or picking to crush on someone already in that circle. Its great when it works out, but when it doesnt it makes things tough.
Also, you have absolutely no right to be pissed that she is texting another guy. She said she wasnt interested in you. She is allowed to be interested in someone else. You should not bring this up with her as a point of contention, this is an issue you need to deal with yourself because she did nothing wrong.
He said (directed at the boys in the class) that there would come a point in each of our lives where we loved a girl very, very much but she didn't feel that way, and that there was nothing we could do to change her feelings. At the time I thought he was probably guilty of making a gross generalization, but the years have proven him right. It's very telling that this teacher, who genuinely cared about his students and tried to help us succeed at life, offered no solution to this dilemma at all, only the warning. The reason for this is pretty simple; there is no solution. There's no way to win the girl, just like he warned us. Coming to terms with this is a necessary experience for a man, and every guy has to go through it.
Distance yourself from this woman if you must. But if you can master your emotions, or at least not allow yourself to visibly display signs of how you feel to her (which would make her uncomfortable, spoiling the friendship) then your romantic passion will eventually diminish, provided you do not allow yourself to turn to obsession with her, and you may eventually find that the qualities in this person that made you desire her as a mate also make her a valued friend.
As far as the text messaging is concerned, well I consider that shit to be pretty rude - but it certainly isn't 'crazy bitch' territory or anything.
If she's not into you, she's not into you - that sucks, but it's how things go sometimes. Next time, don't be professing your undying love for a chick who's your friend (or even in your circle of friends). Or, perhaps, try the more relaxed approach of asking her if she wants to hang out solo and moving from there.
I'd advise just distancing yourself, as you've already said, and maybe hang out with some new people. If you need help finding new people there are a ton of those kinds of threads around here already.
WILLETH IS THE WORST
I really like the approach that teacher took. In truth, there really isn't any way to change someone's feelings. If you find yourself feeling for someone that doesn't feel that way back, the only thing you can do is get over it. And trust me, you will. Feelings diminish naturally, and even quicker if you aren't around the person. I think you already know what you have to do, you're just here for validation. Don't give up on your other friends, just don't be too close to the girl. If you can, forget she's even there. I know, easier said than done, but if you REALLY want to move on, you'll find a way to manage. Trust me when I say you don't want to be sitting there pining over her forever.
I really hope that was a single-gender school, because if he skipped over half the class in that lesson, he did a lot of people a huge disservice. What he told your class is a valuable lesson for everyone, regardless of gender or orientation. Its a necessary lesson in becoming an adult.
The only real advice to offer is stop being a silly goose. Stop touching her and being handsy, because apart from anything else it's a really creepy and undesirable character trait at the best of times. Stop making her a big part of your life, hang out with other friends, stop making plans with her. Hopefully she'll get with that guy and it'll help you to realise that you and her are never going to be together ever.
And I'm with ElRoach 0.
try the not dumping all your friends first, in the event that does not work, then do this.
but they're listening to every word I say
I tried numerous times to cut off ties with her. Not call, text, or see each other. It's worked well in the past, but whenever she tries to talk to me, I'm stupid and take the bait. Well I cut off ties and went back to her probably 4 or 5 times in the past, very reluctantly each time. Well the most recent time I did this I told myself that I'm going to be distant. I'm not going to sit next to her when watching a movie, so we watched a movie at her place. No Country For Old Men. I fucking loved it. Amazing movie, but she would talk and complain the whole time about how it was boring and blah blah blah. That was when it hit me that my time just isn't worth it for her at all. After the movie was over, I got up thanked her for having me over and left. I was pretty pissed how she nearly ruined an amazing movie for me.
I texted her telling her I'm sorry if it was rude but I just didn't wanna be in the same room with her anymore. She said she was upset by how distant I was and wanted to just cuddle up on the couch with me. That's when I knew that I couldn't have anything to do with her ever again and I cut off ties again, and so far it's been permanent. This was about 3 months ago.
Since then, I've been able to talk to a lot of other girls more easily.
Basically I just gave you this to let you know you're not alone. I don't know how you're going to do it, but if you can cut off ties with her or find something, like I did, about her that just lets you know it's not worth your time and you're not getting anything out of it, but heartache and stress, then you can move on like I did.
My other advice, let some of the friends in the group know how you feel and what happened between you and the girl. Maybe you can get some of them to hang out with you without her that way you don't need to be around her. Distance yourself from her as much as possible and when she questions it just be short and tell her it's for yourself and for the best.
Lucky me, my friend Krista shed a lot of light on this situation last night, making me feel pretty great about myself, and like a total jerkoff at the same time. She's good at that. It turns out it's exactly what I needed. Steps are being taken to (not blatantly) avoid this girl, especially in one-on-one situations. My sincere hope is that I can get over Kristen, and further down the road, we can go back to being pretty awesome friends. I'm interested to see how this ends.
Oh, and regarding this... I never had any intention of telling her not to text this guy. I don't want to control her. I was never attempting to make it my business. Truth be told, I'd have preferred blissful ignorance. I was just curious if it was malicious. Of course, there's no way for you guys to know that, but I sort of doubt (after giving it some thought) that it is.
EDIT: You can lock this thread. I was looking for a viewpoint other than mine, and I got that in spades. Harsh, maybe, but you guys all make really good points, and I'm one step closer to seeing things just a bit more clearly. And, you know, not being the creepy obsessive guy. Thanks!