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I can't believe I am making a [Girl Thread]
4U2NV
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey all. I’ll try to make this short.
Earlier this year, I met a girl in one of my college classes. For most of the school year, we studied together and hung at least twice a week, and occasionally meeting up on bars on the weekends. We got along really well, and she would call me around every other day to see what I was up to. However, she had a boyfriend I later learned, so I never had any intention of getting in the way of anything.
When school ended, she asked me what I was doing this summer and I told her I would be working a little ways away in Houston. She was pretty excited to hear this because she had landed a job there as well. In fact, our apartments are about 5 blocks away from each other.
My job didn’t start for a while and I returned home after the school year. We talked over the phone about 4 times a week until my internship started, and visited twice to her place in Houston during this time, each time having a great time. However, I really didn’t know what her relationship status was, or if she was really even interested in me, so we just had a really good time as friends.
Since starting my job this summer, we hang out a lot, and get dinner and dessert around 3 times a week together. At the start of the summer, we were talking and I asked her, pretty indirectly, if she was still seeing her boyfriend. She said she wasn’t.
Looking back at what I have written so far, I really don’t think I have been able to describe how good of, friends we have become from when we just met. She seems to have a great time whenever we are doing something. I consider myself a really personable guy, not having any problem making her laugh. Because she had a boyfriend, I never really reached out to ever hang out with her, instead she would call me a very often during the week to do something.
During the school year and these past few weeks, she keeps asking me to help her set up a small trip to go somewhere with her on a weekend this summer. I invited her over to beach house my parents have and she was pretty ecstatic. I want to tell her how I feel, but something happened recently that really set off an alarm for me.
I was at a house party with some of my friends about a month ago when I started working, and she called me asking what I was doing. I invited her out and we were having a really good time. She kind of disappeared for a while and I didn’t see her for 10 minutes until she told me she was leaving with some guy to hang out at his place for a while.
This definitely hurt, but I didn’t know at the time what her deal with her boyfriend was, although they were broken up at the time. I didn’t return her calls the next day and she left me a message saying she was worried that I was mad at her and she wanted to see me. I eventually met up with her later during the week, and I didn’t have the guts to tell her how I felt and basically said I wasn’t mad at her for anything, although I could tell she knew it bothered me.
And now everything is normal again between us. We still hang out and get dinner all the time. She will be spending the weekend at my house but I want more then the relationship I have with her now. I don’t know how open I have been about my feelings, but I am pretty sure she has an idea of how I feel.
I don’t know how to approach telling her how I feel, and ultimately I am worried about losing probably one of the better friends I have gained in college. I realize that I will never know until I ask, but I don’t even know what to say. Also I think the relationship she just got out of was probably 3 years long and I won't see her after mid july till the start of next semester.
Thanks in advance.
Earlier this year, I met a girl in one of my college classes. For most of the school year, we studied together and hung at least twice a week, and occasionally meeting up on bars on the weekends. We got along really well, and she would call me around every other day to see what I was up to. However, she had a boyfriend I later learned, so I never had any intention of getting in the way of anything.
When school ended, she asked me what I was doing this summer and I told her I would be working a little ways away in Houston. She was pretty excited to hear this because she had landed a job there as well. In fact, our apartments are about 5 blocks away from each other.
My job didn’t start for a while and I returned home after the school year. We talked over the phone about 4 times a week until my internship started, and visited twice to her place in Houston during this time, each time having a great time. However, I really didn’t know what her relationship status was, or if she was really even interested in me, so we just had a really good time as friends.
Since starting my job this summer, we hang out a lot, and get dinner and dessert around 3 times a week together. At the start of the summer, we were talking and I asked her, pretty indirectly, if she was still seeing her boyfriend. She said she wasn’t.
Looking back at what I have written so far, I really don’t think I have been able to describe how good of, friends we have become from when we just met. She seems to have a great time whenever we are doing something. I consider myself a really personable guy, not having any problem making her laugh. Because she had a boyfriend, I never really reached out to ever hang out with her, instead she would call me a very often during the week to do something.
During the school year and these past few weeks, she keeps asking me to help her set up a small trip to go somewhere with her on a weekend this summer. I invited her over to beach house my parents have and she was pretty ecstatic. I want to tell her how I feel, but something happened recently that really set off an alarm for me.
I was at a house party with some of my friends about a month ago when I started working, and she called me asking what I was doing. I invited her out and we were having a really good time. She kind of disappeared for a while and I didn’t see her for 10 minutes until she told me she was leaving with some guy to hang out at his place for a while.
This definitely hurt, but I didn’t know at the time what her deal with her boyfriend was, although they were broken up at the time. I didn’t return her calls the next day and she left me a message saying she was worried that I was mad at her and she wanted to see me. I eventually met up with her later during the week, and I didn’t have the guts to tell her how I felt and basically said I wasn’t mad at her for anything, although I could tell she knew it bothered me.
And now everything is normal again between us. We still hang out and get dinner all the time. She will be spending the weekend at my house but I want more then the relationship I have with her now. I don’t know how open I have been about my feelings, but I am pretty sure she has an idea of how I feel.
I don’t know how to approach telling her how I feel, and ultimately I am worried about losing probably one of the better friends I have gained in college. I realize that I will never know until I ask, but I don’t even know what to say. Also I think the relationship she just got out of was probably 3 years long and I won't see her after mid july till the start of next semester.
Thanks in advance.
4U2NV on
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Maybe tell her that you've really enjoyed the time you've spent together and you think she's a great girl....you understand she's just come out of a serious relationship, but that you'd like to see if your friendship can be something more, and let her know that even if she doesn't want a b/f g/f kind of thing you still cherish your friendship and above all do not want to lose that.
First, forget that she left with some creepy guy to his place at a party. She's still single, remember?
Then, at closer to the end of the night one of these nights, inform her that you really enjoy her company, and hanging out, and just generally being around her. Chicks digg that shit.
Follow that up with how she broke up with her last boyfriend. You are pretty good friends, right? If you are, you should feel ashamed that this didn't come up sooner.
Then start asking her what she really looks for in a guy... and how she got with the old ex in the first place.
From there.... she'll start asking questions about what you look for in a girl... and typically nature takes it's course.
It works. I promise. The only thing that screws this up is if she thinks and has thought that you're gay, she's really gay, or she chickens out. Inwhich case, she'll come back eventually, and you can relax knowing that at least you put yourself out there. Even if it ends in failure, after the initial shock you'll sleep better at night.
You're in a good position as it is, and if you just keep calm, move in slowly, you'll get her in a good position. Hopefully a couple.
This was kind of the route I was going to take. I still really enjoy being around her and always want to remain at least the great friends we have become, I can't help but I would be lying to myself. After that night and after I talked, she invited me out a few times and I rejected. I don't want to see what happened before happen again. It would bother me still. It might be hard to continue the way we are hanging out if I know she could just go onto another guy right after getting dinner or spending the entire night at a party with me.
I 100% agree, which is why I said, and I want to make clear, I was not angry or mad at her for any reason. I was moreso just disappointed, but she has every right to do what she wants.
This is pretty much what I want to say....
I know this already, she has talked about it to me. Her last boyfriend lives in Spain and was studying in the states. He isn't coming back, but I am pretty sure they still talk at least once a week.
I'm such an idiot. She has asked me what I looked for in a girl, and I kind of shyed away from the question. I really don't know why. I guess I didn't want to make it to obvious at the time, still thinking she had a boyfriend.
Thanks a lot for both of your advice. Extremely helpful. I really appreciate it.
.....But this is not a bad thing. Sometimes people get it into their head that they want/need to go to the next level and thats that. In reality you could be throwing away a good thing, a platonic friendship that has been great so far and may continue for who knows how long. Why throw that away. If you are looking for romance, think about other options/meet some new ladies. Guess who may even be able to help you with that? Your friend. If you meet some new ladies or at least get into that mindset, you wont feel taken advantage of when you hang out with her.
This is really extremely important that you posted this and I fully recognize the how much truth there very well could be behind this. It is pretty much why I created this thread. Everything you have said here, really I can't disagree much with.
I really don't go looking for relationships, and I am not trying to date someone else if this falls through. She is the coolest girl I have met and we have a great time together. I guess the reasons why I feel I should say something is because I do believe she might feel the same way through lines she has dropped and how she always calls me to hang out at her place or do something, without me ever have to call to hang out with her.
But your right I could be reading into it to much, and I could be throwing away a great friendship. However, I don't see myself hanging out with her as often as I do now if she doesn't feel the same way. Which I am in no way to say I want relationship or bust, but I probably coulden't get over her if it continued like that.
Thanks a lot for your advice!
You can't exactly do this on command of course, but it'd probably be very helpful, and save your great friendship, if you could get your mind on to some other girl.
Thanks for your advice.
Again, I'm not going to try to get over this girl by finding another. Im not feeling lonley or soley looking to start a relationship.
Everytime I see her and I don't tell her how I feel, I regret it. I don't want to ever look back and wonder what could have been, but at same time, don't wantto ruin what I have now.
Maybe she wants a relationship, maybe she wants one with you. It's pretty rare for girls to just out and initiatate that sort of thing, and by and large, they tend to veiw the lack of initiation as a pre-emptive rejection. It does seem like she's creating opportunities for you though, and that is pretty typical of a girl who's asking without actually asking, y'know?
If it was me, and ymmv, I'd just say how much I appreciated her, mention specific things I liked about her and wait for the smile. There is a distant smile and a closer smile. The closer smile is the one you want. The other smile means a casual retreat. You get the good smile, you touch the tip of her finger, purposefully with yours and smile back. If alls good, you get the chemistry, the move in, if not, you get the 'talk'.
Play it right and either way, you don't lose anything, you just add a touch of definition to whatever is. I hope it works out for you, but be cool if it doesn't- as mentioned, good friends can lead to others.
Yep, agree with this.
Here's the possible paths from here:
1. Do nothing, as you say, regret it forever, eventually can't stand seeing her anyway, loose friendship.
2. Say something, get rejected, get over it, be friends again.
3. Say something, get rejected, can't get over it, loose friendship.
4. Say something, she is thrilled, relationship, yay!
Right now, you're on the path of #1. Doesn't end well, pick another path.
This is what you're hoping for:
5. She admits she has feelings for you, rejoice, relationship, yay!
It's not going to happen, as Sarcastro says. So it just leads back to #1. You have the gender role in a lot of cases to have to initiate things (yes there are lots of fine ladies that are confident enough to reverse that role but not a lot) and ladies get to bleed every month and go through childbirth.
We talked over the course of the entire day and she invited me over her house after work. She even cooked dinner for both of us and wine. I got there and brought some things she asked for and we were having a really good time.
We watched a movie in her room on her bed an I was litteraly an inch away from her, constantly talking and laughing, making lots of eye contact. At the end of the movie I gave her this cheap plastic materialization of something we joke about every now and then and she liked it. She got up after looking at it and joking around and put it on her table as I was about to tell her when I wussed out. I didn't like that weboth weren't sitting down, but that is not the reason I did, but it didn't help.
I wanted to tell her before we go on a trip together this weekend.
I really just at this point have to man up and tell her how I feel. I wonder if the thing I gave her made her more aware of my feelings though.
Well, over the summer she spent a weekend out my beach house and the next weekend she invited me over to her brother's house on the beach also. We both had a blast.
After those weekends I told her how I felt, and she basically said she knew this, but wasn't ready to start another relationship, being that she just got out of a 2 year one (and probably still has feelings for him, only broke up because he graduated and moved away) and that she was leaving for Japan for the rest of the summer.
We had a little communication while she was away, but when she came back from, we talked on the phone everyday until school started. The first night I got back we had a little party out our house and things went well.
Basically, until about this week, we see each other everyday and get together to study or watch a movie at my place every other day (mostly study).
I began to notice that unless I invite her over on the weeekends, assuming my house is having a party, I really don't go out and party with her. It seems like we just hang out every other day or study.
So I guess I am asking is, is it time to move on? I'm not actively looking to find someone else at this point, so its not a matter of recognizing there are plenty of girls at college I can find to like. I kinda of cut off communication this week a little, considering we talk everyday or see each other (she lives 2 blocks down from me) and she has sent me some text messages saying she is worried I am mad at her and wants to do something together.
I have to be honest in saying that she is one of my really good friends at school and someone I see all the time. But the only way I feel I can move on is that I just stop seeing her so often, and maybe just cutting off communicating is a really bad way at going at it, assuming I should move on. Should I be more upfront about this?
It sounds like you know what you want, and its more than just friendship. Now that you know this, pretending that that's enough might not be fair on either of you. I would be really up front, apologise, and say its too hard on you to keep seeing her like this. Then get some distance. If you make a genuine effort to move on - you will.
At this point, it's on her to make it a relationship. If she isn't going to , and you know it, either explain that you're not mad at her so much as trying to put some space between you, or - only if it's true - explain why you don't want to hang out anymore.
It might be me, but texting "Are you mad at me?"s seems clingy. Hopefully talking about it will lessen that.
Yeah, I think you should be more upfront if you want her to understand why you're pulling back. Freezing someone out without giving them an explanation isn't a very nice thing to do.
You found the strength, eventually, to tell her how you felt about her. You should be able to explain to her that you're not mad at her, but that you need a little space to move beyond your feelings for her.
I will probably have a really hard time doing this, considering she is one of my really really good friends at school. Its not easy to say this to her, and then just break everything off completely.
Also, I'm not sure if I know she is not into me. She didn't tell me that when I told her how I felt, and she is not going around hanging out with other guys. Maybe I am just in denial about it though or hanging onto false hope.
Even if 100% knew for certain she wasn't into me, I cant help how I feel.
I'd just explain that its hard for you sometimes because you still have feelings for her, so being so close, but still so distant is difficult. You're up to the task obviously, but you just need some time every once in a while so you won't ruin things. She'll probably understand, and can either take it as a sign to move in closer, or give you what you need in order to maintain the friendship. It's okay to want things, as long as you keep a frim grip on reality, which is what you're doing- no biggie.
You're doing everything wrong.
It's really simple. She told you she doesn't want a relationship, but she's shown that she still wants to be a close friend. That's great! Don't try to rock the boat. Just be cool, enjoy the friendship, don't play games with her. You two are friends, go and have fun as friends.
Now you still have feelings for her, and you both know it. If you start being weird by cutting off communication, you're gonna make the friendship awkward. You don't want that.
Go pursue other girls, while keeping up a good friendship with her. Don't try to cool it off or whatever, just keep the friendship that occurs naturally. You two hang out when you both have time and feel like it.
BUT! By pursuing other girls, you're gonna:
1) Realize you also have romantic interests in other girls, which will reduce your pining over this girl and level the power imbalance between you two
2) Show her that you're interested in other girls, and maybe not even interested in her, which will make the friendship between you two normal, and might even result in her showing interest in you (she'll want what she suddenly can't have)
3) Get some more experience with dating, and flirting with other girls, and generally improve yourself. Months from now you'll be better equipped to pursue this girl after all these factors have improved your situation.
So you see, it's very simple. Keep being close friends with her, and don't fuck around with her, just be a friend. Pursue other girls and tell her offhandedly about them. See how your life improves.
I have not really cut off communication, as I reply to her texts saying that I am busy and can't get together that night. When she asked me if I was mad at her I said I wasn't, but I had a couple of meetings that night (which I did) along with being busy during the last week. However, I have said I was busy a few times when I wasn't.
But your right in saying I shoulden't just cut off communication without an explanation. Although your not really saying that, your saying just keep on acting like I am fine with being friends while I search for someone else.
I don't mean search for someone else, like search for your soul mate. I mean go date other girls casually. You might find another girl who's just as amazing as this girl; you might not. Either way, she'll notice that you're dating and not waiting for her to develop feelings for you (waiting for this isn't healthy for you or the friendship). This'll relieve her of the awkwardness and let her see you as a dateable guy and not as the guy she knows likes her and is waiting for her to like him back or grow distant.
You'll also notice that by dating other girls, your friendship with her will not feel so weird and will go back to the fun relaxed times it used to be. BUT there will be the additional potential of her developing a romantic interest in you, since she knows you once liked her, and other girls are dating you.
You'll notice you won't have to pretend as much that you are fine with being friends... you'll actually become fine with being friends as you date other girls. Then you might start to notice that she's flirting with you more often, and suddenly the ball is in your court to decide if you want to date her! That would be amazing wouldn't it? But that definitely will not happen if you continue to be friends while harboring a love for her while not pursuing any other girls.
The choice is clear (to me at least).