Friends + Benefits

Sushisource

Okay this hardly qualifies as a girl thread, but be warned.

Girl in question and I have been pretty tight past few months, we always have a good time together, and I've asked her out a few times, and we went on a few dates, but every time I talk about a relationship she just says that she "doesn't want to be in one right now". And it "isn't me, she just doesn't want to be in a relationship". After saying these things she's still totally fine being around me, even being close to me. I really do not understand her reasons, I've asked her, and she doesn't seem to either. I'm leaving for college in a month in a half or so, so even if we did have something it wouldn't last long. The real question here is, how can I ask her if she wants to "have some fun" in the meantime without being incredibly crass and kind of weird.

tl;dr How do you ask someone to be special friends without a relationship

NOT SATISFIED??? STILL WANT TO HELP??? I have a circuitry related question here: Variable Brightness Cathodes

LadyM

Well, there's a good chance that it actually IS you that she isn't interested in and she's just trying to spare your feelings.

But if you're going to ask, you should make it clear that it would just be temporary, not leading to a standard relationship. If she's really just anti-relationship, not anti-sex-with-you, she might be interested.

But I wouldn't hold my breath.

Sushisource

Yeah, I'm more than aware there's a good chance that she just doesn't want me. But she sure as hell isn't doing a good job of making that evident.

Really my question is sort of the dirty version of a Ms. Manners query. I just need to know some semantics.

PirateJon

Don't do this with a person you want to date. Bad idea.

ceres

Truth. If you actually want to date her later on, it might be better not to get started with this at all.

There is the remote possibility that she could form a romantic attachment to you from having sex with you, but it seems far more likely that it'll make the friendship weird, and if that happens she might not feel comfortable with having you around her future boyfriends.

onceling

As a girl here... I can't think of a single way you can ask this without it being offensive to me. Sure, every girl is different but I don't think its worth being, as you say, crass.

In my experience these kinds of "relationships" happen by chance, notsomuch through the regular "asking her out" or in this case "asking her to be my special friend" tactics. Given that one of you actually wanted more than just that, this is also a tricky area. She might feel that any sort of fun would lead to you getting attached, which she has already said isn't what she wants. Even if you can separate your feelings, she can't be assured of that given the fact you've expressed interest before.

I think you'd have to let it happen if it were going to happen naturally. Then again, these kinds of things sorta already would have happened so I don't find it very likely.

MrMonroe

I would drop it and not worry about it. You're going to college in a month and a half? Just wait. There will be plenty of opportunities in your near future. Dealing with someone that probably wants to be with you but may have attachment issues is NOT WORTH IT.

Edit: Do you need me to emphasize that more? I could make it bigger I guess.

CooterTKE

i dont think there is a good way to ask this, as it normally would just happen. If she is shooting you down on the whole dating thing I would not push it much. Plus your going to college and that is what freshman girls are for.

BomanTheBear

FWB-type relationships have always been serendipitous, in my experience. They just happen. They're unscripted and way informal. If you have to ask, you've already missed the spirit of the way it works. If you really want to try to get something started, just try making a move some time. But only do that if you're willing to cope with the possibility that she could turn you down and make your friendship way awkward.

Septus

I'm not familiar, but I would imagine the starting point is sex(in your case, one thing leading to another..) and then afterwards, a discussion is had about not wanting a relationship but that more sex would be nice.

Feral

BomanTheBear wrote: »

FWB-type relationships have always been serendipitous, in my experience. They just happen. They're unscripted and way informal.

Yeah, exactly.

And it usually starts with the sex and gets the friendship part added later than the other way around. Not always, but usually.

Rubberchrist

The only FWB experiences I've had were initiated by the girl, and the "with benefits" status was discussed AFTER the first time we did it. The unfortunate thing is that both of these friendships did end totally once they decided they did want a relationship. Fun, interesting, a good memory, but I'm not entirely certain that they are worth pursuing.

-R

Raggaholic

In my experience, you don't get a FWB situation without a) the girl already wanting to be in a relationship, b) you having been in a past relationship with the girl or c) crazy. None of these seem to apply to your situation, so I would suggest you walk away from trying to be FWB. Somehow asking only end badly.

Trowizilla

Asking doesn't really work. If she wanted that sort of thing with you, she'd already have let you know, probably by initiating sex. Most likely, she's just not into you that way and likes you as a friend, so don't push.

nuclearalchemist

With the FWB situation, it does normally happen by chance, and with someone who you don't expect. The other problem is that no matter how much you say you are going to be able to separate your emotions from the physical act, somebody is eventually going to become involved with the other. When that happens, it goes from a casual fling to something that winds up with lots and lots of drama and windfall.

Trowizilla

nuclearalchemist wrote: »

With the FWB situation, it does normally happen by chance, and with someone who you don't expect. The other problem is that no matter how much you say you are going to be able to separate your emotions from the physical act, somebody is eventually going to become involved with the other. When that happens, it goes from a casual fling to something that winds up with lots and lots of drama and windfall.

Not necessarily. Most people just don't hear about the FWB that don't turn into a dramabomb, because they're not distinguishable from regular friendships from the outside.

Houk the Namebringer

Trowizilla wrote: »

nuclearalchemist wrote: »

With the FWB situation, it does normally happen by chance, and with someone who you don't expect. The other problem is that no matter how much you say you are going to be able to separate your emotions from the physical act, somebody is eventually going to become involved with the other. When that happens, it goes from a casual fling to something that winds up with lots and lots of drama and windfall.

Not necessarily. Most people just don't hear about the FWB that don't turn into a dramabomb, because they're not distinguishable from regular friendships from the outside.

Yeah I don't think you'll find a lot of people telling stories like, "Yeah I was having casual sex with a friend of mine for a while and it worked out fine, the end". It can work, you just have to be open and honest with each other.

In this case, however, like people have said - you already have feelings for her, you both know it, so trying to have a casual relationship just seems like a bad idea. Get up to college and do your thing there.

Sarcastro

If you have to ask how to do this, it is highly doubtful you're the kind of person to pull it off. FWB's tend to, but not always fall into one of the following catagories:

1) omg i am so hot for you, but lengthy exposure will kill us all and plus possibly the world.

2) i'm cute and you're cute, and making out is more fun than this POS movie we picked up.

3) You just got dumped and need to feel sexy? I can do that. I can do that nine times.

4) No that's cool, hey, we both live different lives- I still think you're awesome. I really, honestly just want things to work out for you. While we're waiting though...

5) (secret crush) + (secret crush) + mutual commitment terror = naughty times no strings + some strings.

6) I love your body, but when you actually speak, it annoys the crap out of me.

My own, less common favourite (paraphrased, I'd never say exactly the same thing twice):

'One night. I exist, like this, for one night. Tomorrow, everything will be different. I will be different, you will be different. Everything that happens here is here; there is no outside. Out there, life goes on, out there, the world waits. But for you, for me, in here, there is only right now. And right now, you- you are so very beautiful to me.'

But that's me. Things don't get weird after because I don't get weird after. If you're worried about approaching this thing\; looking all weird and shallow, afraid and timid about sex, love, sensuality and sexuality, unaware of what it means to be in the moment, of the moment - then this is a road filled only with heartbreak and trouble.

As someone said, it's rare for a person to create these situations, they just happen because an FWB situation is the best option out of the things currently availible. That being said, there is a mindset and skillset involved with making that the best option. YMMV.

Houk the Namebringer

Sarcastro, that's a pretty good summary of the common situations, very nice. Right now I'm in a combination of 3 and 4 (me being the one recently broken up) and it's a pretty sweet gig.

Sushisource

Quality advice dudes. I'll just drop it. It seemed like a pretty bad idea anyways, heh.

BomanTheBear

well, it isn't necessarily bad, it's just something that's got to be a paradoxical combination of caution and imprudence, if you dig what i'm saying.