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Living situation is terribad - eviction imminent
StreamlinedDesign
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Ok, i'll start this off with a little history.
I'll just preface by saying that I've been between a rock and a hard place for long enough to really have my feelings confused and I need help sorting out what it is I really want. Just typing this might help a ton.
I'm 24, and about 2 years ago I moved to St. Petersburg, Florida and into a guest house owned by my step-mom. There was an agreement that I would pay a discounted rent plus the utilities and so forth. All seemed ok at first, I found a job quickly at a restaurant and started up school. I met a girl online who i've been with almost the entire time i've been here. She moved in pretty quickly...
Things with the step-mom soured because she started stepping on our rights and crossing boundaries like crazy, such as opening my mail and visiting the house unannounced when we're not around. Claiming me as a dependent on her taxes even though she doesn't pay any of my living expenses - unless you count what she could possibly be charging me on my rent.
We just really do not get along.
She's the rock, and now for the hard-place. My relationship.
Now, remember where I said I was in school? Ya well, the restaurant I worked at closed down, and I'd moved onto a shitty retail job. Problem was that job did not pay the bills at all. So I stayed long enough to get fed up over not being able to feed myself and my girlfriend, and I had to quit school in order to take a long hours office type position elsewhere in order to support the both of us.
Emotionally, I think things are great between me and my girlfriend. It's when I start to look at our relationship objectively that I become unhappy.
I really can not say why i've been the sole-provider in my girlfriend and I's relationship for this long. I believe in equality and think that an equal load was not being shared there, so ya i began to resent her during that time when I was working the long hours and had given up school for the moment at least. Especially when I got home and knew she'd just be on the computer, and there was always an excuse why she couldn't do what I thought was her part to help the 'team' so to speak.
So ya, that was not a great time.
2 months ago, I got laid off... and I have not been able to find another job despite my best efforts. I've been 'hitting the pavement' as best I could, meanwhile the money's run out, and i'm flat broke - my girlfriend did manage to find a good part time job though a couple weeks ago, but it isn't enough to pay rent without me finding something quickly. --Enter the step-mom. Who has now decided to triple the rent for this place ( well beyond the going rate around here, plus i'd have utilities to worry about, and the place has no washer/dryer/dishwasher/central air ), all rent is due in one week from today. If not paid, she'll be changing the locks.
She hates my girlfriend however and has stated that if i kick her out, she will hold off the new rent-rate for one month. As long as I sign a contract that states that I can not have any friends/visitors over past a certain time, and I must help out with chores around the 3 homes that this lady owns on the street.
I told her to get fucked pretty much. I don't roll like that whatsoever. I wouldn't sell someone out like that, let alone sign away my life and self-respect like that.
So i'm moving out in a week, with no money.. I can either, borrow a large sum to get myself and my girlfriend a place to stay for one month and hope for the best that i'll find a job to make some kind of living.. or my real family has offered to put me through optician or radiological tech. school in Texas and to stay with them.
The girlfriend has stopped just short of saying she will not be going with me If i move out of state, and could not be in a long-distance relationship.
I love my girlfriend, but I think the only way to get out of living the way I have been for the last couple years ( not being able to afford spaghetti ) is for me to get through school. If I stay, I don't see myself getting back into school anytime soon and nothing will change except for the crazy landlord.
She says i'm giving up too easy. So I don't know if she's just afraid of losing me, or If I really am giving up too easily.
For some perspective, the money situation has been so bad i've been skipping meals/days (...we'll call those "meal days" ) and lost 40 lbs in the last 2 months.
on the job front, i've had 4 staffing agencies looking for a position for me this whole time, but they all tell me off the record that they just don't have any work coming in around here, or they can only get me day labor jobs ( which i've been taking ). I've applied directly almost everywhere, and get the run-around when I call these places back. The fact of the matter is I now have one week to move my stuff...somewhere.. and might have to face leaving my girlfriend for the sake of a better life...If i did leave, she would have a place to go to ( her family ) and she would have her job....
I just don't know if it's shameful for me to even be thinking about doing this, or if my feelings are justified. Life has been so crazy stressful recently, I sometimes wonder if I would even survive if I stayed.
Anyway, sounds kinda messed up reading this. I have no idea what a stranger would think, but i'm glad to have the sounding board. I just need to hear from someone that has no investment in my situation.
I'll just preface by saying that I've been between a rock and a hard place for long enough to really have my feelings confused and I need help sorting out what it is I really want. Just typing this might help a ton.
I'm 24, and about 2 years ago I moved to St. Petersburg, Florida and into a guest house owned by my step-mom. There was an agreement that I would pay a discounted rent plus the utilities and so forth. All seemed ok at first, I found a job quickly at a restaurant and started up school. I met a girl online who i've been with almost the entire time i've been here. She moved in pretty quickly...
Things with the step-mom soured because she started stepping on our rights and crossing boundaries like crazy, such as opening my mail and visiting the house unannounced when we're not around. Claiming me as a dependent on her taxes even though she doesn't pay any of my living expenses - unless you count what she could possibly be charging me on my rent.
We just really do not get along.
She's the rock, and now for the hard-place. My relationship.
Now, remember where I said I was in school? Ya well, the restaurant I worked at closed down, and I'd moved onto a shitty retail job. Problem was that job did not pay the bills at all. So I stayed long enough to get fed up over not being able to feed myself and my girlfriend, and I had to quit school in order to take a long hours office type position elsewhere in order to support the both of us.
Emotionally, I think things are great between me and my girlfriend. It's when I start to look at our relationship objectively that I become unhappy.
I really can not say why i've been the sole-provider in my girlfriend and I's relationship for this long. I believe in equality and think that an equal load was not being shared there, so ya i began to resent her during that time when I was working the long hours and had given up school for the moment at least. Especially when I got home and knew she'd just be on the computer, and there was always an excuse why she couldn't do what I thought was her part to help the 'team' so to speak.
So ya, that was not a great time.
2 months ago, I got laid off... and I have not been able to find another job despite my best efforts. I've been 'hitting the pavement' as best I could, meanwhile the money's run out, and i'm flat broke - my girlfriend did manage to find a good part time job though a couple weeks ago, but it isn't enough to pay rent without me finding something quickly. --Enter the step-mom. Who has now decided to triple the rent for this place ( well beyond the going rate around here, plus i'd have utilities to worry about, and the place has no washer/dryer/dishwasher/central air ), all rent is due in one week from today. If not paid, she'll be changing the locks.
She hates my girlfriend however and has stated that if i kick her out, she will hold off the new rent-rate for one month. As long as I sign a contract that states that I can not have any friends/visitors over past a certain time, and I must help out with chores around the 3 homes that this lady owns on the street.
I told her to get fucked pretty much. I don't roll like that whatsoever. I wouldn't sell someone out like that, let alone sign away my life and self-respect like that.
"Oh what's that, you want to come by my place and chill and watch a movie?.. have some beers?.. sorry I can't do that, I may pay rent here but I really only pay to allow my landlord to take away my rights, and provide her with my mail as reading material."
So i'm moving out in a week, with no money.. I can either, borrow a large sum to get myself and my girlfriend a place to stay for one month and hope for the best that i'll find a job to make some kind of living.. or my real family has offered to put me through optician or radiological tech. school in Texas and to stay with them.
The girlfriend has stopped just short of saying she will not be going with me If i move out of state, and could not be in a long-distance relationship.
I love my girlfriend, but I think the only way to get out of living the way I have been for the last couple years ( not being able to afford spaghetti ) is for me to get through school. If I stay, I don't see myself getting back into school anytime soon and nothing will change except for the crazy landlord.
She says i'm giving up too easy. So I don't know if she's just afraid of losing me, or If I really am giving up too easily.
For some perspective, the money situation has been so bad i've been skipping meals/days (...we'll call those "meal days" ) and lost 40 lbs in the last 2 months.
on the job front, i've had 4 staffing agencies looking for a position for me this whole time, but they all tell me off the record that they just don't have any work coming in around here, or they can only get me day labor jobs ( which i've been taking ). I've applied directly almost everywhere, and get the run-around when I call these places back. The fact of the matter is I now have one week to move my stuff...somewhere.. and might have to face leaving my girlfriend for the sake of a better life...If i did leave, she would have a place to go to ( her family ) and she would have her job....
I just don't know if it's shameful for me to even be thinking about doing this, or if my feelings are justified. Life has been so crazy stressful recently, I sometimes wonder if I would even survive if I stayed.
Anyway, sounds kinda messed up reading this. I have no idea what a stranger would think, but i'm glad to have the sounding board. I just need to hear from someone that has no investment in my situation.
StreamlinedDesign on
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It sounds like you've tried to reason with the Step Mom (who is completely unreasonable) and well, if you're unhappy in your relationship - that's all you need to know. I think you're tricking yourself by saying that emotionally you're fine with the girlfriend, but objectively your not? That doesn't make any sense. I mean, either you're happy or you're not - and let's get honest, you're not happy with her.
For the record, yes, it's okay to resent the girlfriend for not pulling her weight. Relationships are about equality, compromise - working together to support each other - she's not doing that. Instead, she's asking you to do it for her. I think you've already made the decision to get rid of her and you already know that, however unwilling you are to say so.
My overall advice? You need to finish school, get a paying job, and move from there. If you're interested in optician or radiological tech work, then that's solved. If not, you can still look into other programs in Texas. You haven't elaborated on your reasons for leaving your biological family to begin with, but I'd guess they were pretty sound. In the end, though, this trip to Florida obviously didn't work. You've hooked up with a girl who is a negative impact on your life and a Step Mom who's even worse.
It's time you pack up, go home, regroup, finish school, and take another crack at living on your own.
There isn't any shame in that, either. Sometimes things don't go the way we want - that's why you should count yourself fortunate enough to have a family you can count on to help you through it. This is the time to utilize that support structure. Plus, strictly from a survival standpoint - if you've lost 40 lbs in that short period of a time by skipping meals, well - you have to think of your own health (which will also improve in Texas).
Go back to Texas. Finish your degree in whatever it is you want to do, in a few years - take another shot at living on your own. Get rid of the girlfriend and the Step Mom. You'll be much better off without the dead weight.
EDIT: Also, no, you're not giving up too easily. You've lived in Florida for 2 years, 2 months of which you were laid off - even more months spent looking for work. You tried that road, it didn't work. It sucks, but it's not the end of the world. Kick the girlfriend to the curb and move back home.
Your parents are offering to pay for some school so you can get a more specialized job. DO IT. She should understand why you need to do this. She should be worried that you're not eating. She should want more from a life for you two.
You need to get yourself back on track, and that should be a priority for you, and for her as well.. If it's just a priority for you.. well.. I think you should know where things stand with you two. She'll decide you're worth this, or she won't, and if she doesn't, there will be someone else who does. I went from that sort of situation into the great one I'm in now, so I know.
Edit to add my 2c:
Go back to school! Cannot stress it enough. If this chick does indeed care, at all, she will either come with, or wait.
I think once you get there it will be easy to see that you made the right choice.
However, it sounds like the girlfriend needs to go. Anyone who hasn't had a job or been going to school for that long isn't worth keeping around; she's a leech. Take up your parents' offer to go back to school, get rid of the girlfriend, and go back to school.
I always feel better when my advice echoes Thanatos.
I had a similar problem with my ex-fiancee. Within a month of moving in with her, she had cut back her hours at work to less than 10 hours per week. Meanwhile, i was working 6 days a week and studying 3 nights for 3 hour classes. I would get home and she had done nothing, house was a mess. I'd have to iron my clothes for the next working day. Then the end of the month came, and the bills, of which i paid 3/4. This was the house she was renting, i moved in with her and her 2 kids from a previous relationship. Then she bitched at me that i paid too little, and that we should have a joint bank account because she cant afford to live like this. That night as i lay in bed unable to sleep, i realised i'd been a fucking idiot. She didnt make me happy, and i was going to be supporting her laziness for the rest of my life. The next morning i told her it was over, and i'd be moving out on the weekend. I slept the rest of the week on the couch and moved back in with my parents until i got my life back in order. It was hard, and i stupidly ended up back with her (not living with her though) for a few months before cutting the cord once and for all.
I was 28 years old at that time. Moving back in with the parents didnt feel good at the time, but it absolutely was the right choice. I'm well on track again now, have a good amount of savings, have moved out on my own again, and school is progressing nicely. My girlfriend is fantastic and makes me realize that putting up with a girl who doesnt make you happy is just stupid. I'd rather be single than go through all that again.
Move to Texas, learn how to make $Texas. Leave the girl, who although seems like an awesome person, is still a leech and is holding the rest of your life back.
Really, just echoing what the rest of this thread is saying.
I understand exactly what you mean about your girlfriend. I was emotionally invested in my girlfriend, but I was pissed every single day coming home from a 48 hour shift knowing that she hadn't moved a muscle from the computer while I slept in my office at work to pay for her food and everything. It sucks to love someone who takes advantage of you, but we can all be guilty of that. Regardless of your emotional attachment, it really is best to kick her out (kindly). I gave my ex $50 for gas to drive home and told her I couldn't do it anymore; you can resolve it in a civil manner.
I also understand because I was 23 when this happened, and everyone my age had their own place and moving back home just felt like a step backwards. It will seem like that at first. After you've tightened your perspective and given it some time, you'll realize it was a tough but necessary decision. Always put yourself first...its not selfish, its caring about your wellbeing.
Good luck, it will be rough but if you choose to go the above route I can tell you that it will probably be a decision you'll fondly look back on and be relieved you made a good decision.
Weaboo List
Your situation sounded pretty damn bad until I got to this part. I can't stress how much it's worth if someone is willing to pay for your schooling, even if it means living with your parents. I know a few people doing this, and honestly the line "yeah, I'm studying to be an optician/radiologist/$$$$$" will outweigh the fact that you're temporarily staying with your parents while getting through school. "I'm living by myself but barely able to pay the bills at a crap job and not going to school" wouldn't be considered a better situation by most people.
Maybe you should suggest she get some counseling for depression or somthing, because that sounds like what depressed people do.
Or maybe she just needs to get to work. seriously.
My girlfriend won't even let me pay for more than my half on dates. Which I felt bad about at first, growing up in a conservative family, but now seems... less bad.
edit: go home to the parents, especially if your parents are cool. Will they let her move in too, should you decide not to ditch her?
but they're listening to every word I say
Your life can be so much better, do it.
Well, without being 100% obnoxious anyway.
Going back home and going to school would not be running away, if thats what you're thinking. You'll be running *towards* a better future.
I say if your family is offering to make you into an optician or radiologist for free, and house you whilst they're at it, you'd be downright crazy not to take them up on the offer. You'll study hard and do well at school, eat right and get healthier, get a good job that pays well, and look at getting a really great girl.
You have an excellent opportunity to reboot/upgrade your life mate, grab it with both hands and get stuck in.
In a couple of years you could well be sitting on the deck of your own house with the most wonderful girl you've ever met discussing how many kids you like to start trying to have once the wedding is over and done with.
This.
Also, taking up your parents' offer to PAY FOR YOUR SCHOOL is not giving up! It's taking advantage of a huge opportunity. If your girlfriend can't see that, and isn't willing to let you take that opportunity, then she's definitely not worth it. It can get bad on these forums with the calls to "dump her ass!" because nobody else cares about your relationship, but seriously, if you do not take up your parents on this you will regret it for the rest of your life. This is not only the best solution to your problem, it is the easiest.
Because I'd really like to get on that.
Go back to school.
Do not stick around to take care of this girlfriend. She doesn't need you, and she is dragging you down. You have a really great opportunity to better your life. Take it.
I've got a couple days to think about this, if worse comes to worse I can ship my stuff and hop on a bus to the midwest..
Just to clarify, ya my Dad is here in Florida - he's just oblivious in many ways. He's an avionics engineer and does well for himself and the step-mom, but when he's home he just plays mmo's all day and lets her take care of everything else. Marriage of convenience, and i'm sure it accounts for at least some of the step-mom's behavior. His reaction when I talk to'em is that he and his wife have had more fights than he could remember since i've been down here and that maybe I should join the military.
My parents divorced when I was pretty young, and i've played computer games with my dad online in order to keep in touch, but it really could have been anybody I was playing with.. Part of my incentive for moving to Florida in the first place was to get to know him a bit better. His reactions to all this have informed me pretty well of who he is though.
Also I thought about moving back to Texas after my office closed down 2 months ago but my dad was unofficially diagnosed with thyroid cancer right around this time. He had a 'cold spot' on an MRI I believe. He had a half of a thyroidectomy, and they decided they needed to go in again for the rest. So 2 surgeries later we get the pathology report back and it was all negative, nothing was cancerous, but anyway..
I do think it's pretty shitty that we're getting evicted in this manner after helping out with that whole situation.
He's just kind of had his head turned to the step-mom's behavior.
Anyway, enough of that.
My girlfriend has been my best friend really for the last two years, and has kinda helped me see the dad/step for who they are, and now that she's back on her feet and working and everything I do see that as a positive step. I probably owe her a couple more days at least of trying to make things work here.
Speaking of which I should probably run and hand out some resumes.
The school is a long term plan that you should absolutely take advantage of since you've already started. Once you have that, it should be easier getting a job plus you have the chance to make more money as well. That's pretty important for your future if school is something you're interested in.
I'd focus on the long term rather than the short term right now. It's your call on the girlfriend. Have you talked with her about heading down with you to your family, provided that's even an option on your side and your family? Perhaps if that can happen it's an easier choice to make?
Either way, good luck.
If the g/f really matters, she will go where you are, its not like this "job" she has is anything compared to a funded schooling you have waiting for you.
No regrets!!! TEXAS.
1. Move back to Texas.
2. ??? (School.)
3. $Texas.
I left my job I loved and my hometown to follow my girlfriend who got into a university in another city. This was rough at first but we both learned a lot of life lessons and now we've moved back and she has a great career and we own a condo.
I would try and convince her (if you honestly love her) to come with you. If she says no I would suspect that her feelings for you are not as strong as you might believe.
My bf and I are currently doing the long distance thing, b/c he moved to where I knew no one, and he knows no one outside of family, whereas here I have a couple of jobs and I didn't have the money to move. It may not be that she doesn't love you, but that she is just unable to move, period. I wouldn't fault her for that. However, I think it would be quite revealing if she refused to stay in a relationship with you just because you were leaving. That, to me, would signal a worrying absence of real love, especially since what you want to do would be profitable and better for you both in the long run, if there is a long run.
I'd talk to her about
a) moving with you
and failing that
b) long distance relationship (which can work!)
or
c) breaking up. At least until you're in a better situation.
But yeah, get the F outta there, IMO.
Seriously. Please rethink what you're doing and consider moving back to Texas to get your degree. If the girl wants to be with you, she can come with and work full time in Texas while you go to school.
Just getting a job and hanging out with the girlfriend is not the better choice than getting your degree - based on what you've told us.
/limed for truthiness
You're having trouble finding a job because you have no degree, or "leverageable skills" as the lingo goes.
Get the degree, move back to Texas, and start your life over. Get a decent job and make decent money. Once you start to become happy and self sufficient in your new job, you won't have any confidence problems and might find someone who will hold her own in a relationship.
I mean, I'm jumping on the 'go back to Texas and go to school' bandwagon because, seriously, the path where you go into debt just to pay expenses is one most people get buried under. However, don't let someone trample all over your rights like your step mom did - that's just ridiculous.