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Of money and relationships
noir_blood
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, just a quick background. I been dating my gf going on for about 8 or so months. While we are exclusive, I won't say either of us is overly serious, that is, we have no plans of moving in together, getting married that sort of thing.
Things between us are good. We have some fights every now and then, but nothing out of the norm. And yet, sometimes I can't help but wonder if maybe it would be better if we broke up, and honestly? It all comes down to money.
We both work full time, she makes a fair amount more than I do. The problem is that every month I find myself going over my budget. Growing up, I hated to see my mom struggle with money and buy more things that she could afford, and it really has affected me. I don't want to live from paycheck to paycheck. Right now, I don't, thanks to a good enough pillow of money I have saved up, but at the end of the day, I know I'm overspending with her. Right now, I live with my aunt and uncle, and while I pay rent, it's not a lot. Being 25, it's high time I move out, but I know that I couldn't move out and keep up with how things are right now.
The thing that I hate though, it's not like A) We go out and do expensive stuff every night. Yea, we don't some high price stuff, but we also just do regular things like go to movies, bars, etc. We see each other Friday and Saturday, so with meals, movie tickets, etc, I can easily spend 100 dollars over the weekend.
The second thing is, that she does help out. It isn't like she's just freeloading or anything like that. Thing is, that a lot of times when she pays it happens to fall during the weekday or weeknights, so come weekend, I still find myself spending a fair bit. She's also not the greatest with money, so while she'll be overgenerous the first week or so after getting paid, the last week she'll be getting close to broke.
I don't know what to do. I really like her, we get along awesomely and have a lot of things in common. But every time I load up quicken and hear that "KA-CHING" sound of money being deducted, I cringe.
tdlr; I'm worried about how much I spend with my gf.
Things between us are good. We have some fights every now and then, but nothing out of the norm. And yet, sometimes I can't help but wonder if maybe it would be better if we broke up, and honestly? It all comes down to money.
We both work full time, she makes a fair amount more than I do. The problem is that every month I find myself going over my budget. Growing up, I hated to see my mom struggle with money and buy more things that she could afford, and it really has affected me. I don't want to live from paycheck to paycheck. Right now, I don't, thanks to a good enough pillow of money I have saved up, but at the end of the day, I know I'm overspending with her. Right now, I live with my aunt and uncle, and while I pay rent, it's not a lot. Being 25, it's high time I move out, but I know that I couldn't move out and keep up with how things are right now.
The thing that I hate though, it's not like A) We go out and do expensive stuff every night. Yea, we don't some high price stuff, but we also just do regular things like go to movies, bars, etc. We see each other Friday and Saturday, so with meals, movie tickets, etc, I can easily spend 100 dollars over the weekend.
The second thing is, that she does help out. It isn't like she's just freeloading or anything like that. Thing is, that a lot of times when she pays it happens to fall during the weekday or weeknights, so come weekend, I still find myself spending a fair bit. She's also not the greatest with money, so while she'll be overgenerous the first week or so after getting paid, the last week she'll be getting close to broke.
I don't know what to do. I really like her, we get along awesomely and have a lot of things in common. But every time I load up quicken and hear that "KA-CHING" sound of money being deducted, I cringe.
tdlr; I'm worried about how much I spend with my gf.
noir_blood on
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That'd be step number one to discuss with her, if you don't.
If 50/50 would still be too expensive, I think you've just got to sit down with her and say that you can't afford this. If spending more time hanging out at each other's places and/or finding cheaper things to do like going to a park is not acceptable to her, I'd think that'd be a good sign to stop seeing her.
You've been dating for 8 months, that's long enough to have a conversation about finances.
There's nothing wrong with not being overly serious for as long as you like, but you're spending some serious money here. Can you guys not be serious at her place, maybe? Rent videos, make dinner together, play games, that sort of thing?
Also, spending large amounts of money on food and alcohol is one of the dumbest things you can do, IMO. You have little to nothing to show for it. When you're eating a bowl of cereal next morning, you're not going to care how good that steak tasted, or the name brand on your vodka.
I would push thinking of creative dates, flying a kite, playing around in Toy's R Us, Picnic at the park with radio, board games, movie marathons, fishing, hiking and ya know things that really don't cost money (less you get caught fishin without a license whoopsie).
Focus on why you go out all the time, and find ways to get the same benefit without the cost.
http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=budget+dating&btnG=Search
Okay, I guess it's not a trick - but it's a way of getting the 50/50 split without having to have a 'financial discussion'.
Don't get me wrong, I like to treat a girl right - but it's the fucking 21st Century here.
1. Split 50/50 or have each person pay for their own [meal, ticket, whatever.]
2. Learn to budget, as in "I'm spending no more than $XX on entertainment and dining out this month, come hell or high water." Make a list of all your expenses, including the amount you want to save per paycheck, then figure out how much you can afford to spend on frivolities.
3. Stop going out so much. You spend $100 every weekend?? Holy shit.
4. Discuss all this with your girlfriend.
ya, seriously. I can spend pretty much all weekend with my girlfriend(talking 36/48 hours here) and not spend more than $15, and have a better time than if we were even going out to a resturant/bar.
This is easy. You go out to dinner twice, at a non-fast food restaurant, and the bill will probably be over $30. Add any alcohol (these guys are dating, after all), and it's over $50. Go out twice, bam, $100.
He lives with family, so he's not exactly in a position to have her over and cook for her, in order to save money. It may make some options a little awkward, as well, but ultimately it comes down to what everyone is saying -- noir_blood, you need to go out less. That's all there is to it.
Paying a company to entertain you will ALWAYS cost more than doing it yourself, be it food, music, movies, whatever.
The real problem is that your "hang out" time is essentially "going out" time. Most couples go out occasionally, especially when money is tight, and make it a "big deal." The rest of the time they hang out together, watch movies at someone's house or whatever, or hang out with friends. Cheap stuff. And if money is tight they can just chill, or take a break.
Look, you obviously like the girl or else you wouldn't see her so much. But, I'm a little confused that you guys spend so much time together -- going out almost every night? I mean, I'm married, and I do stuff with my wife every night because we live together. When we didn't live together, though, we got together when we had plans -- we didn't just automatically go out every single night. What I also don't get is that you apparently spend every evening with her, but have no interest in living with her or furthering the relationship -- something that doesn't really match up. If you like her enough that seeing her every night has you excited for the next night, well, maybe what you should be talking about is moving in together (which would save a LOT of money most likely, as you could see each other w/o spending any money at all).
$50, for one person(they should be splitting) is really, really high for an average bill. It should be closer to $20, maybe $25, especially if I remember correctly that he lives in Texas, not New York or something.
hence why you can't go out every night. Seriously. Stop going out every night and your problems are solved.
Pretty much this. And no, we don't go out every day, so sorry if people got that idea. This was last week's activity, in case people want to get an idea;
Saw her on Wednesday for lunch, had taco bell-10.00
Friday. we went to chilis, were we each had a margarita and just the meal, no appetizers or desserts-40 including tip
Saturday- Went to a bar to listen to some music and see Tim Minear-30.00 We both drank a bit and had some chips and queso. Then we went to subway for the five dollar subs-10.00
So right there I'm edging to the 100 dollar mark. And on both days we returned back to her place and just chilled watching movies, playing guitar hero.
Sunday we also went out, but that's outside our regular schedule and it was because of a showing of Serenity. Suffice to say I spent money there too.
So a more fair assement would be that I spend around a 100 dollars a week. Considering my budget for outside activities is right around 400.00, it's no wonder that I go over.
I am going to talk to her about this. We have briefly talked about it before, and part of the problem stems that she dislikes 50/50, as she rather pay for it all one time, and then me the other, and also becasue, well, I'm stupid/hispanic and have this whole thing about the women paying that I really need to get over.
I still find that shocking.
Yea I did. It comes back to her lack of management involving money, as she was pretty much broke. I know that when she gets paid, she'll take care of a weekend, like I did, but a lot of times that still leaves me in a predicament.
Also, you really, really, really need to get over the women paying thing. In fact, that is probably your problem right there. While it's awesome to treat your woman nice (especially at the start of the relationship), keep in mind that tradition began when men were the primary breadwinners and women had no outside source of income. In this case, she makes more money than you. You paying for everything just isn't sustainable, especially if it is causing you so much stress you're thinking of breaking up. Hell, she has even brought up paying.
By the way, the whole "she pays for one thing, you pay for the next" thing is awesome. It all balances out in the end (assuming someone isn't a bastard and constantly picks the expensive/cheap thing) and you don't have the hassle of splitting the check on individual activities.
Go for it. It doesn't make you any less of a man.
Edit: Though for this to work, she might have to manage her money a bit better too.
A simple way for you to fix it, that you could do this week, is to simply "be broke," just like she is. Give yourself an allowance -- say, $50 a week -- to do things with her. You CANNOT go over. It goes Monday-Sunday, so if you see her on Friday you can't go all out -- only a portion of it. If you go out on Saturday, and you've got $7 left, that's it -- she has to cover the rest. Be up front about it -- state before you meet up "just FYI, I've only got like $10 left before I'm out of money until next week."
If you want to continue being generous, do this -- save the leftovers, plus $5 each time you have leftovers. That becomes the "bonus fund" that lets you do really fun things with her.
This will keep you at half of your current weekend expenses, let you balance things out with her more easily, and give you a little "fun" savings that you can use to treat both her and you, as an incentive to stick with it. Try it out.
Do that. It'll be good.
I may lack self control, but one thing I can do is stick to a budget. Another tactic I use is to withdraw all my spending money on pay day. That's it, that is all the money I can spend until the next pay day. The first few weeks will be hard, but pretty quickly you will learn to think that the money in your wallet is the only money you have. I did anyway.
This is correct. If she doesn't have much money then you guys can find something else to do that doesn't involve going out and/or spending money. Who's idea is it normally to go out to dinner/drinks/etc? If it's yours, then it seems fair for you to pay, especially if she doesn't have much money available. If it's her idea or a collective idea and she can't hold up her end, then find something else.
This same pattern will emerge with anybody assuming they don't have unlimited money and you keep wanting to go out.
The (positive) side-effect of this is that after you do it for a while, you start to naturally do your full budget in your head. It helps reduce impulse buys, helps you do more research when you do buy things, and generally just makes you better at handling money. I recommend it to anyone who isn't a "natural" when it comes to doing a budget.
I talked to her about this today, and well, it looks like we're breaking up.
I really don't know how much the money came into her decision to break up... Since we started dating we both knew we didn't want it to lead to anything serious. In fact, for the last month or so she'd been saying she wanted to break up on july 4th. I sorta thought she was joking, seeing as we really haven't had any real issues or anything like that, but yeah...she says that she wants to spend some time to herself, do stuff that she hasn't done much of since we started dating.
And I can totally see where she's coming from, as I always enjoy a day to myself...she just never let me know about that, all she had to say was "hey, let's not see each other this week", and that would be fine. Hell, she sometimes got annoyed that I chose to go home after work instead of dropping to see her. The funny thing during "the talk" today was that she wasn't willing to budge on the money thing, not if we were dating, but she says she still wants to remain friends and o stuff every so often, and hey! She'll pay her share since we're just friend.
I don't know..sorry to just go all livejournal, but dammit, I don't know how I feel right now.
It sounds to me like even if she didn't want to break up, that it would still be the right thing to do.