The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Sex Life/Weight Issues
pgb842
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I have been married for six years now. In that time my wife has gained nearly fifty pounds. I do not work out, but I have a very physical job that keeps me in shape.
I love her very much, but our sex life has taken a big hit. Along with the lull that has set in, I find myself less attracted to her.
I'm not the type to stray outside a marriage, but it is starting to become a strain.
I've tried to motivate her to eat better and exercise, I've been completely supportive, but nothing is working.
Her mother is fairly large and I am worried she is starting down a road she might regret.
How can I motivate her to get back into a healthy routine?
Posted on an alt to protect the innocent.
I love her very much, but our sex life has taken a big hit. Along with the lull that has set in, I find myself less attracted to her.
I'm not the type to stray outside a marriage, but it is starting to become a strain.
I've tried to motivate her to eat better and exercise, I've been completely supportive, but nothing is working.
Her mother is fairly large and I am worried she is starting down a road she might regret.
How can I motivate her to get back into a healthy routine?
Posted on an alt to protect the innocent.
pgb842 on
0
Posts
Also, what is her lifestyle like? Does she do nothing all day? Does she eat well and exercise? If her mother is heavy as well, its possible that her weight is genetic and she will end up with the same body type as her mom.
The best way to motivate her, is to do things together. Start cooking healthy meals together, go for a walk together, etc.
Basically, don't make it just about her, since that won't lead anywhere good.
This is horrible advice, as all you will be doing will be FORCING her to lose weight, which won't end up pretty.
Horrible, but not without good intentions. Something HAS to be done.
Frankly its a bigger deal than most people will realize. Spending the rest of your life with someone who will forever be unattractive to you is not a road to happiness.
Not only that, but it's also inaccurate advice. One of the heaviest people I ever knew was a very strict vegan. She ate fairly large portions at meals, but that wasn't her problem, because that was all the sort of vegan food you'd expect at a meal.. Her problem was that she regularly went through a bag of chips in a sitting without noticing. There's no ingredient in that sort of snack to violate the terms of a vegan diet.
Someone who is bound and determined to eat junk is going to find a way... but honestly, we don't have nearly enough information right now to make a call. Is she terribly sedentary? Does she overeat buckets? Has she had kids? Has she possibly developed a disorder (I'm thinking glandular here), or started on any new medications? There are circumstances surrounding this, and we don't know any of them.
Second, if she has an emotional eating problem as many women do, it is going to be very difficult for you to motivate her to curb her eating. Even if you do the shopping and the cooking, there is nothing to keep her from eating crap while you're not home.
Also, just because I like asking stupid questions. Does she even care in the first place?
If it turns out she's just chubby and needs to make lifestyle changes, the best way to be supportive is to be physically supportive. Your post makes her sound like a housewife, possibly with kids. This means that while you're out staying fit at your job, she's doing all the household chores and spending all day entertaining (and eating with!) the little ones. She's going to need time to go to the gym and get pretty, and that means she's going to need you to come home after work to baby-sit and cook that healthy dinner and clean up a bit.
I am going to try and bring up the exercise together idea and see where it goes from there.
You need to talk to her about it because she needs to want to lose weight. And you need to emphasize that while you still love her, you find her less physically attractive and, most importantly, point out that you know that even you could use a little help (even if it's not entirely true, since you say you have a pretty physical job). Point out that you should both eat more healthfully and get more exercise, and then talk to her about what kind of activities and what kind of cooking/eating plans you can do.
Try to do something that's fun, too. The gym is an easy option, but it can be boring. Going on a bike ride is often fun, though -- usually much more fun than the bikes at a gym. Just as an example, really, but doing things that are fun will get you more involved than things that are simply to stay/get in shape.
Just start talking long walks together. Decent exercise, plus time to connect as a couple.
Always always focus on letting her know you are interested in her health, not her attractiveness.
And strive towards a low calorie diet for the two of you. Calorie restriction, not exercise, is where real weight loss comes from.
They cast a shadow like a sundial in the morning light. It was half past 10.
But before you do all that, talk with her about it. Hard to talk about, no doubt, and while I may not know much about relationships, I'm pretty sure being open and honest *is* a key part of relationships.
Honesty is overrated.
If a woman thinks you find her unattractive - well, meltdown imminent.
Color the truth, always. Break down crying in front of her, tell her you're so worried about your own health (and tangentially hers). Never tell her you're feeling a bit unattracted because she's put on some weight.
Straight honesty is telling a person "You're fat. You need to do something about it."
Colored honesty is telling someone "I just want us both to be healthy. Please, help me get into shape by walking with me."
Maybe you guys can take some kind of lessons or learn something that requires physical activity.
Dance lessons (ballroom dance.. swing?.. etc.), or learn swimming, kayaking, tennis, horseback riding or whatever strikes your fancy. For you guys both (especially her) to enjoy anything to want to do it a lot and often it has to be fun.
That last bit is a somewhat judgemental. I've always had image issues because of my weight but my weight doesn't seem to respond well tomy attempts to control it. I stay within a certain weight range but it seems to mostly come and go as it pleases. A year of hard work and dieting lead to nothing but a year of nothing led to quite a bit of loss.
The point is, sometimes you can try and it doesn't seem to work so you have to keep trying. Sometimes things happen and it doesn't mean someone doesn't care that it is.
Women, for the most part, tend to be pretty considered about how they look as it is; she probably does care but might not realize the extent to which it's affecting him or what to do about it herself.
I have this weird issue of not wanting to work out around anyone else because I think I look gross and don't want anyone else to see it; lack of alone time and privacy is sometimes enough to make me not want to do things. Is it rational? No. But does it happen? Yes.
You do need to mention something, but I agree with the route of saying you've noticed it and are concerend for her and want you both to be healthier is the best option. Then she knows you love her, she has your support, and you're willing to either work with her physically if she wants it, or if not, as her support.
And it's definitely helpful to do things like shopping and cooking together and making little changes to food buying/prepping practices to help out in that area. Even if it doesn't seem to impact the weight area you have to give it a little time, and making sure you both have a balanced diet will probably give more energy and create a better mood which might help motivate physical activity if motivation is a problem.
Without knowing the answer to this, all advice is going to be a shot in the dark.
With me and the missus, we just got lazy. We're both prone to not doing the cooking, got into habits of eating chocolate bars. I put on about 5kg before I thought "shit, things aren't going well". She had to disappear for three months, so I decided then would be the time to get into the gym, drop the weight, and do it for her, so I'd look good when she got back.
She had actually wanted to lose weight before she left, but I had a problem with eating healthy (rather than neutral, weight-maintaining) dishes. So I kinda burned her out on it. When she got back, now I had made this pledge to her and myself the weight was going, she went off to Weight Watchers and we cooked out the recipe books together. The weight loss has been noticable, along with the gym training.
So I'd echo other people who've been saying "do this together." And a healthy body starts in the kitchen. Cook low-fat meals from a low-fat meal recipe book. Use it as a time to talk and bond, both of you eating the same food. You don't get to eat burgers and fries while she stares down at a salad, you both have to eat the salad (or vegetable lasagne, or chilli con carne with lean beef, or a lean steak and cous cous...). Once you get healthy meals you both enjoy, things might start to change.
HOWEVER
This is only because we put on weight through being lazy, and we broke out of that cycle. You haven't told us why your wife is putting on the weight. Is it comfort-eating? Is she going through stress? Is it because you prefer to eat unhealthy foods, and she joins in with you? Gaining 4 kg a year isn't dramatic, so I'm thinking it's just lazy habits, which have taken time to end up with the body you look at now, but if there's something else at work, just saying "hey honey, let's change our diet" isn't going to help much. She can just eat when you aren't around.
If genetics are also working with an apparent case of "La la la can't hear you" re: getting fit, you're going to have to say something very soon, or you'll do something you'll horribly regret and then get into huge fights about it with menopausal women on Craigslist. It doesn't matter whether you ever go there. Judging by sheer volume, it just happens.
...Which is to say, best of luck, man.
A good starter is throw out all the junk like sugary soda, candy, ice cream and unhealthy snacks.
Avoid fast food and eating out as well.
Avoid carbs after lunch. You can have as much protein & veggies for dinner. Try wrapping a burger in a iceberg lettuce leaf, its awesome!
Replace bleached flour foods with whole grain.
As for exercise you guys seem rather busy so make time. A great way is walking after a meal and sex sex sex!!! Have her get on top and burn those calories.
Also, you'll be more committed to the weight loss if you set aside a day to eat "less controlled". Maybe have friday be the day you eat pizza or burgers + fries. Don't pig out, but enjoy the foods that are less than healthy. You'll find your appetite for those foods has decreased anyways, so you can eat a lot less than you used to, but get the guilty pleasure of truly delicious fatty foods. Also, if you have a day of the week to "binge" it means you can still go to your friends cook-out or go out to a restaurant with them without always ordering a salad.
It's the trees that bend a little that survive the hurricane.
Sex should not be used as a bargaining chip sort of thing. It can't lead to anything good.
You need to eat healthy together, but don't expect results right away, and don't starve yourselves.
And I wouldn't tell her your not sexually attracted to her.....that is a very bad idea.
I mean a reward for both of them, not just for the OP. Most women (and men to a degree) have trouble getting in the mood for sex if they don't feel sexy and attractive. After working out for a few weeks and being really disciplined as well as beginning to see results should put BOTH of them in the mood. They'll both feel more attractive and have more energy. Depending on the person, too, it might be a turn on to see your spouse sweat and do physically exhausting things. Not like disgusting sweat-all-over-everything, but like breathing hard and pushing yourself.
I never said use sex as a bargaining chip. I'm saying that after all the hard work to get healthy and in better shape, why not celebrate with something as natural as sex? If after all the hard work they still don't want to have sex, then by all means don't.
Saying sex burns less than 100 calories is surely insane? You don't know how vigourously they have sex and it could quite easily get the heart rate up for 30 minutes. Plus varied sexual positions would surely be at least semi decent exercise for muscles which might not get worked out often in everyday workouts.
If I'm being stupid here then correct me
Edit: Plus sex is fun, and could be a good way for them to re-connect
If sex doesn't get your heart rate up for 30 minutes or more, you're doing it wrong.
And on topic, I support what someone else said about dieting but having one day a week to eat whatever you want. I've heard this in a million places and everyone I know who has tried it has said it helps alot.
Sex is between 100 and 250 calories per hour, depending on weight / activity. It's not a bad workout, if you can do it for a while. If you're trying to LOSE WEIGHT (THE TOPIC OF THIS THREAD), then sex is not the exercise you need to make a priority.
Go swimming or running hard for 2 hours and burn over a thousand calories. Or you could set aside an entire day of nothing but sex to burn the same amount. I dunno about you, but I have shit to do.
Obviously it has benefits. But to suggest it as a good exercise for losing weight is naive.
That said, there's nothing wrong with using sex as a reward, just don't make her think that's what it is.
My girlfriend and I went for a bike ride one day, and I have to admit... I REALLY liked cycling behind her... I let her know how sexy she looked cycling, and it was off to the sex marathon for us when we got home. Now, her knowing how I feel about seeing her in cycling gear, we go for regular bike rides knowing that our excercise will not be ending with just the bike ride....
While my feelings on it to her are genuine, there's nothing wrong with saying to your wife "holy crap seeing you after that walk... your cheeks are a little rosy and your sweating a bit... I am SO turned on right now!".
It's a tangible, honest reward that might help encourage her behaviour without having to "see results" first.
Or just start leaving old photo's of her around the house.