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Too fast for this [GIRL]
Nibble
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I've been talking to this girl a lot for the last week or two, and I started thinking about about trying to date her after one night when we talked until 5AM then went to the harbour to watch the sunrise on Thursday. Skip ahead to last night, and she asked to come over to watch a movie at my house around 1AM. I was thinking about suggesting the living room, but she went straight to my bedroom, and I didn't really feel like saying no.
After the movie was finished, she decided to sleep in my bed. There was some spooning and a bit of flirting, yada yada yada, I'm on top of her with her bra off and my hand starts to go south, then she suddenly says she feels a bit scared and she should go home to get some sleep. I think this is fair to say, given that she said she likes to take things slow, and we'd never done more than hold hands or rub each other's arms for a couple seconds before this point. At the same time, she's 20 (I'm 23) and I think she must have had an idea of what would happen. As she was leaving, she was still touching my arm, and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she left, so I guess that's a good sign. We both said "sorry" a couple times, then she left.
I wasn't really sure what to do, as I don't have a lot of experience with relationships and sex, so I just sent a text saying "Sorry I let things go too far. Let's talk about it -- want to have lunch together? Sleep well :-)" Is there anything else I can or should do now? I'm not really sure how I feel about her right now, so I can't say that I'm really serious about her; but I am interested in her, and at the very least I'd like to remain friends.
After the movie was finished, she decided to sleep in my bed. There was some spooning and a bit of flirting, yada yada yada, I'm on top of her with her bra off and my hand starts to go south, then she suddenly says she feels a bit scared and she should go home to get some sleep. I think this is fair to say, given that she said she likes to take things slow, and we'd never done more than hold hands or rub each other's arms for a couple seconds before this point. At the same time, she's 20 (I'm 23) and I think she must have had an idea of what would happen. As she was leaving, she was still touching my arm, and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek before she left, so I guess that's a good sign. We both said "sorry" a couple times, then she left.
I wasn't really sure what to do, as I don't have a lot of experience with relationships and sex, so I just sent a text saying "Sorry I let things go too far. Let's talk about it -- want to have lunch together? Sleep well :-)" Is there anything else I can or should do now? I'm not really sure how I feel about her right now, so I can't say that I'm really serious about her; but I am interested in her, and at the very least I'd like to remain friends.
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It sounds to me like she is into you, or she would have stopped things a lot sooner. She clearly doesn't want to rush things. Just tell her you like her, you really enjoy spending time with her, and ask her out on a date, like dinner and a movie out on the town type deal. If you invite her back to your place for another late night movie she will probably be nervous about where its heading or what your intentions are, so its probably best not to go there till you talk about it.
edit: I just saw she invited herself over to your place last time, if she invites herself over thats fine.
tldr; Play it cool.
Act positive next you see her and make sure you let her know everything is cool. If she thinks things have gotten weird then she'll probably feel uncomfortable around you or be very self-conscious of her sexuality.
Be nice and enthusiastic and make it clear you think no less of her.
Especially since the way Nibble described it, the situation was not at all his doing.
edit: by the time I wrote this, I had managed to forget that this is still the beginning of something, not a serious relationship. Purely my fault. I'm not condoning having a huge sit down conversation about your sexuality, I'm just saying that keeping it an open topic or at least understanding where you both are at is good, so you can avoid situations like this in the first place.
Oh and the text was a nice touch.
Virgins spotted.
No. Don't have an awkward conversation about boundaries and shit. Do NOT turn this into a big deal. This isn't an after-school special, this isn't high-school, you are both consenting adults and if things lead back there again with this girl then you can take the time to say "Are you ready?"
If this girl wants to talk about it, then assure her that it's quite alright and isn't a big deal and that she can wait until she's ready. This whole discussion shouldn't take more than a minute or two. After that, go on like nothing awkward happened at all and things will work themselves out naturally.
Most importantly, be a nice, relaxed guy she can feel comfortable around, not an over-analytical teenager.
This.
Also, while she did come over and sleep in my bed, and she did return my advances, I was the one making advances once she got into my bed. I didn't mean to say that she was "asking for" anything; and I suppose she may have only expected some innocent cuddling.
We end up back in my dorm room a week later and eventually she starts taking clothes off. I didn't even say anything to her and eventually she is again grinding against me... just this time with no clothes on. Of course I'm kinda like, "Whatever. I'm way down" so I just let her go with it. She stops when she had climaxed and I hadn't. That was fine and she was asking me if I was mad and sincerely I wasn't. So I gave her a kiss and saw it was time to go, so we left and I reassured her nothing was wrong as long as she was ok. She said she was.
Next day she's all, "Ahhh... you made me do it. You're moving too fast and its kinda scaring me Ahh......" I was just like.. wtf?
So what is the anecdote to say? Its different with each girl. She may have wanted it to some extent (like me in the first instance, her in the second) but it just freaks us out. Obviously me and my ex were terrible at communicating this, so be happy that you guys know how you both feel atleast.
You should clarify though that your anecdote should be taken with a grain of salt. A snail moves too fast for you.
Like 2 weeks later?
Excellent advice.
And c'mon... Leave Penguin_Otaku alone The Man with No Name (which is a lie... Because that's your name). Take it to PMs or don't be a bitch.
Frankly though, you were respectful of her when she asked you to stop, and that's pretty cool in and of itself.
Seriously.
Do not be surprised if you don't hear back from her for a little while (talking 5-7 days here). Give her space. At a time like this, patience is indeed a virtue.
OP I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself, and I can't stress enough how right-on-the-money everyone's advice has been for your situation. I hope things work out between you two, I really do, but if they don't DO NOT DWELL ON IT. You will be doing yourself a disservice.
It doesn't have to be an awkward coversation if you're already comfortable with the person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking openly about what you're comfortable with or want from your partner sexually.
You shouldn't make it sound like a big issue, but if you guys are comfortable with each other you can certainly talk about it in an easy, casual way. It's always worked out for me, anyway.
Just like to say I was the only one in that thread who said she could say no. Ergo I win. At nothing in particular...
Anyway to the OP, just play it cool, hang out with her some more, don't mention the previous incident and see how it goes.
I'd say she's into you.
BUT, for god's sake respect her boundaries. What may very well have happened was that she came over wanting to start something, but when things got hot and heavy she had second thoughts. So don't regret what was done before she decided to stop (she initiated it, after all), but you were very much correct to stop and let her go when she said something.
The big question is what happens next. She could be wanting to start something long-term with you, or it could be a moment of weakness/short-term fling. Like others have said, don't apologize, keep hanging out and play it cool. The most wonderful moments are the ones that happen naturally, rather than those that are forced.
Yes, this! It's why I'm not feeling the the 'sit down and discuss your boundaries' idea. It takes the spontaneity out of everything. There's nothing romantic about a discussion on when you'll let the guy get to second. Besides, is it really necessary at this point? Everything was going fine until you went south (not your fault fyi since she was into it) and she's saying she wants to take things slow. I'd say that the boundaries are clear now- basic snuggling and light fooling around above the belt is fine but it's too early to head further south.
Anyway, that conversation ended fine, and we continued chatting happily until 4AM, so I think it's safe to say that everything will be OK
Just think about the things you like about her (she reads, plays videogames, plays the trumpet, is smart, funny, interested in politics, has an ant farm, etc.) and then tell her.
So I said I started to like her after we went to a park one night and ended up chatting until 5AM, then we went to the harbour to watch the sunrise. I thought it was such a great night, and I started thinking about her a lot after that. She seemed to like that, and she offered up a couple other dates she liked. I said I just had a feeling that she was special, and I wanted to spend more time with her to find out why she's so special to me, and make her feel that I am special too. She seemed to like that too :P
Actually I think the main reason I like her is that she's so sweet and innocent and kind... she's just a really nice girl. Even the fact that she doesn't want to go so fast makes me like her... heh
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