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And the wheel turns

SlainbylichSlainbylich Registered User regular
edited July 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
What's the point of it all? I sit here examining my life; past, present, future and I find it all rather useless. Looking at it from a metaphysical sense, there is no real point. I have no issues with that, what I do has as much destiny or purpose as anything else; mainly none. So, removing the metaphysical "what's the purpose of life", what standard should I set myself against? Lacking the metaphysical, lets use the natural world. At its basest level, life has two primary functions; survive and procreate. Everything else is built around these two functions, the only thing that changes are the buzzwords and spin we put on them. These are the standards I will be using to examine my life.

Just some background before I begin. For the past five years I've been going to college to acquire a degree in history, I've focused more on my studies than most things. I have picked up other things as well; I can set up a fitness program and change my diet around and stick with it. I've lost 72lbs since I've started college(I'm hovering around 204lbs). I'm not athletic, but not a complete slouch either. Hobby wise, I enjoy gaming(table top and video), movies, reading, writing(poorly).

So, now that my life has been put up, lets tear it apart using the standards I mentioned earlier.

Survival. I've got that covered. I live in a nice place, I keep myself healthy, and I generally don't want for much. I have that level spot on. It just doesn't seem enough. Of course, what exactly is 'enough'? I can't say, because I don't know. Looking at my future, I see a worthless wasteland of paper shuffling and office related bullshit. The history degree I've been pursuing for the past five years(yes, I am lazy) doesn't hold any appeal to me. Will it aid in getting a better job? Yes. Which in turn will aid in my survival, that alone should be enough, but it isn't. All I've learned in college is how to fill out paper work, how to hate myself, and how to hate the human race. Oh, I can cite sources too.

So, survival is not enough then. Lets look at the other function, procreation. A field I have zero experience in, which by all averages I should have at least stumbled into at least once. Oh well, nature weeds out the unfit, so that shouldn't bother me too much.

Things that I enjoyed in the past seem rather pointless now. Exercise. I do enjoy that, even though it means nothing. Good health for a long life? What's the point, I don't want it anymore. Exercise for a more pleasing form, to attract others. Again, pointless, I'd have to completely rebuild in order to have a "pleasing" form. Besides, my chances of getting laid or just dating, fuck, anything, are about as good as me shooting an arrow at the moon, and hitting it. So exercise, worthless, pointless.

My other hobbies seem to alienate me even further from any sort of meaningful contact. I mean, you mention them and people laugh, so, that's not a good thing. I'm tired of pretending that I'm someone that I'm not. Which is funny, because I'm nobody. Hobbies of course, serve as entertainment which keeps the mind busy and offer opportunities to interact with others humans, aiding in the achievement of both natural goals. Strange how it doesn't seem to work for me, I don't have friends, I have acquiantances.

Obviously the solution would be to pick up hobbies or activities that would get me more involved with other people. The area that I live in basically precludes me from that, I don't believe in god and the biggest thing around is church, so that's a no go. Other things would open up if I had friends, no doubt. Too bad I don't. A solution to this would be to move, but I can't because I'm still a year away from getting my degree that I don't want anymore. I don't really want my future anymore either, there's nothing there for me.

Things seem to work out for other people, the only common denominator in all situations has been myself. It could very well be that I am defective. Which raises the question of what caused the defect. Is is natural, am I simply genetically set to kill myself? Possible, nature weeds out what isn't meant to survive. Is it environmental? This would be a cause of the past, back when I had no control over it. So, for the sake of argument, lets say that part of my issue is based on the environment of my past. That doesn't mean I can't change the now, now that I have the power to do so. It would be difficult, and again, pointless.

So, essentially, the problem is myself. The past is meaningless, the present boring, and the future not worth living.


tl;dr -> Wah. Wah. Wah. abloo abloo. I'm sick of being human, what do I do?

Slainbylich on

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    MKRMKR Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    You seem to have made a lot of assumptions:
    1: That there's some inherent point. The point of life is whatever you want it to be.
    2: That your interests need to be some silly implementation of normal. Reading, writing, and visual arts are reliable ways of keeping oneself sane, and they're pretty much universal. Your town may be a dull craphole (like mine), but you're going to find artists and literary types there.

    "All I've learned in college is how to fill out paper work, how to hate myself, and how to hate the human race. Oh, I can cite sources too."

    Surprise! That's what college is for. :D

    (The knowledge of history will be a plus.)

    "Things that I enjoyed in the past seem rather pointless now. Exercise. I do enjoy that, even though it means nothing. Good health for a long life? What's the point, I don't want it anymore. Exercise for a more pleasing form, to attract others. Again, pointless, I'd have to completely rebuild in order to have a "pleasing" form. Besides, my chances of getting laid or just dating, fuck, anything, are about as good as me shooting an arrow at the moon, and hitting it. So exercise, worthless, pointless."

    Self-confidence > appearance.

    "My other hobbies seem to alienate me even further from any sort of meaningful contact. I mean, you mention them and people laugh, so, that's not a good thing. I'm tired of pretending that I'm someone that I'm not. Which is funny, because I'm nobody. Hobbies of course, serve as entertainment which keeps the mind busy and offer opportunities to interact with others humans, aiding in the achievement of both natural goals. Strange how it doesn't seem to work for me, I don't have friends, I have acquiantances."

    Most people have hobbies that would seem odd to the majority of the populace if they made them public knowledge. And acquaintances are fine.

    "Things seem to work out for other people, the only common denominator in all situations has been myself. It could very well be that I am defective. Which raises the question of what caused the defect. Is is natural, am I simply genetically set to kill myself? Possible, nature weeds out what isn't meant to survive. Is it environmental? This would be a cause of the past, back when I had no control over it. So, for the sake of argument, lets say that part of my issue is based on the environment of my past. That doesn't mean I can't change the now, now that I have the power to do so. It would be difficult, and again, pointless."

    The only defect I see in you is that you have no confidence. You're educated and have a stable life. Your life is pretty much whatever you want it to be from there.

    MKR on
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    PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    No offense, but those are some goofy standards to judge someones life. Art? music? science? we're more than just bacteria.


    You sound depressed. The "i see the problem, but the solution is so hard and I'm not worth the effort" is a classic symptom. See someone about that.


    Oh and this - "I'm sick of being human, what do I do?"
    Join and support the trans-human movement.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
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    MKRMKR Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Writing alternate histories.

    Painting/drawing/sculpting/modeling historical things.

    There is a long list of things you could do.

    MKR on
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    SlainbylichSlainbylich Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    MKR wrote: »
    Writing alternate histories.

    Painting/drawing/sculpting/modeling historical things.

    There is a long list of things you could do.

    That just sounds like a way to keep busy while I wait to die. I'm not looking for a point, there is none, I've pretty much accepted that.

    I mean, there are six billion people on the planet, who'd notice one missing?

    Slainbylich on
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    PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    More than you'd think.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
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    DjiemDjiem Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    MKR wrote: »
    Writing alternate histories.

    Painting/drawing/sculpting/modeling historical things.

    There is a long list of things you could do.

    That just sounds like a way to keep busy while I wait to die. I'm not looking for a point, there is none, I've pretty much accepted that.

    I mean, there are six billion people on the planet, who'd notice one missing?

    Well, if it doesn't matter that you die now or in 40 years, why not indeed keep busy while you wait to die? Since we don't know if there's anything beyond death, you might do what you like during life, which you do know to exist.

    Like to read? Read. Like to write? Write some stories. Hell, if your hobby is actually a creative one, you might get more recognition and then when you'll die, people WILL notice one guy missing, at least for a while.

    You could go farther and say that once the sun blows up or once Earth dies, if we didn't make contact with extra-terrestial forms of life, everything humanity has accomplished will be pointless.

    With that line of thinking, I see two solutions: Kill yourself now (don't), or just enjoy what little time you've been given (do).

    Djiem on
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    GrennGrenn Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    It is clear that your current goal could be to 'beat' apathy?

    If you are generally negative, pessimistic and apathetic then life does tend to be pretty dull and self-perpetuating.

    There are lifetimes' worth of satisfactory things to do with your time. All you have to do is do them.

    Grenn on
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    MKRMKR Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    MKR wrote: »
    Writing alternate histories.

    Painting/drawing/sculpting/modeling historical things.

    There is a long list of things you could do.

    That just sounds like a way to keep busy while I wait to die. I'm not looking for a point, there is none, I've pretty much accepted that.

    I mean, there are six billion people on the planet, who'd notice one missing?

    The point of life is what you make it. It's really that simple. If you make the point of life worrying about what you want to do, you're never going to do anything.

    I just figured out how to make a hole in Blender. My current point in life is to put holes in all my models just to see what comes of it.

    MKR on
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    mastmanmastman Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Change your attitude-- by coming here you've shown that you at least have some ambition to seek help; to want to change. But every post here you've already responded with "why, what's the point." If you're going to ask for help, you've got to try to do what people suggest because you clearly have lost the will, the knowhow to have fun with life and here are some people who haven't lost that suggesting things that they do to enjoy it and you just strike it down with your cheap "why" remark without even trying.

    Try to meet people. Human interaction has got to be the most interesting facet to life. The joys, fun, heartbreak sometimes provide an endlessly wonderful rollercoaster of emotions. Join some clubs, find some interest group who likes to do shit you like, maybe community service is your calling, maybe a bowling league I don't know. And if you say what's the point, shutup. You can't predict the future and if you're going to be a negative nancy about it all, why even come here and ask for help?

    You haven't even made it out of college. You're young. You know so little about the world and the endless possiblities it provides and you're bitching how nothing is out there for you. You don't know anything. You've been given a great life. You're intelligent, you've made it almost all the way through college. Somewhere somebody busted their ass to get you there. Parents, siblings, relatives, YOURSELF. You owe it to them, you owe it to yourself to try.

    mastman on
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    SlainbylichSlainbylich Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    PirateJon wrote: »
    More than you'd think.

    If any, only because I'm no longer a source of free tech support or entertainment.
    Your life is pretty much whatever you want it to be from there.

    I guess, I really just don't want it to be anymore. Either that or it needs a better writer.

    Slainbylich on
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    MKRMKR Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Maybe you should go have a chat with your school counselor.

    MKR on
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    OctoparrotOctoparrot Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    So are you more interested in procreating or meeting women? Because euphemisms don't help.

    Octoparrot on
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    SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    You're clearly depressed. Get help... nothing will ever seem right until you do.

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
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    RecklessReckless Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    MKR wrote: »
    Maybe you should go have a chat with your school counselor.

    Agreed. I study Human Rights up at school, and after watching video after video of horrible atrocities against humanity, I got pretty depressed as well which manifested itself in a closed-in kind of anger. I've been where you're at. You should talk to a professional, which should make you feel loads lighter.

    Reckless on
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    Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I also think that with enough confidence you'd realize that getting laid, and becoming part of a social atmosphere is a lot easier then you think.

    Durandal Infinity on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2008
    Echoing depression. I still get this sometimes. It happens more often in times of stress, but even without that it seems to go off fine on its own sometimes.

    Is this a recent thing? How long have you felt this way?

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    BamaBama Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Yea, this definitely matches my experiences with depression. A counselor/psychologist will likely be able to help you more than we can.

    Bama on
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    TheDragonTheDragon Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    As others have pointed out:
    1) You're depressed. See the school counseller and explain what you've said here. You don't need to beat depression on your own.
    2) You need more confidence. You'll gain some back after your depression starts to get better.

    My advice: Keep up with the exercise, maybe intensify it more. It's been shown to help depression and increase confidence. As you continue to get into better shape than you've ever been in your life, you'll realize that right now you're living better than you ever have.

    If you don't see the point in living or trying hard at anything in life, keep this in mind. You're free to do anything you want in life. Feel like you have to go work in an office for the next 35 years and then retire and die? That's society/parents making you feel like that. Go do what you want to do.

    Think about what you'd love to be doing now and go do it. Or think about something you wish you could've done in life, plan for it and get there and do it. I think the point of life is to enjoy as much of it as you can, have fun and do what you want to do.

    Who knows what happens in death? Maybe you cease to exist. Maybe you sit there for eternity and watch the living do what they want to do. Maybe you're reborn into a life just like the one you have now, again and again, until you learn whatever lesson you're supposed to. Who knows? What we do know about life is we have free will and the ability to give ourself the means to do what we want to do. So don't give up on life, use it to do whatever you want with it!

    TheDragon on
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    MKRMKR Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Reckless wrote: »
    MKR wrote: »
    Maybe you should go have a chat with your school counselor.

    Agreed. I study Human Rights up at school, and after watching video after video of horrible atrocities against humanity, I got pretty depressed as well which manifested itself in a closed-in kind of anger. I've been where you're at. You should talk to a professional, which should make you feel loads lighter.

    Yeah, that was sort of the direction I was leaning in. Too much exposure to the horrors of history can be unnerving. :)

    MKR on
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    Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    MKR wrote: »
    Reckless wrote: »
    MKR wrote: »
    Maybe you should go have a chat with your school counselor.

    Agreed. I study Human Rights up at school, and after watching video after video of horrible atrocities against humanity, I got pretty depressed as well which manifested itself in a closed-in kind of anger. I've been where you're at. You should talk to a professional, which should make you feel loads lighter.

    Yeah, that was sort of the direction I was leaning in. Too much exposure to the horrors of history can be unnerving. :)

    Really I am a history major too, what aspects of history make you feel this way?

    Durandal Infinity on
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    trantramptrantramp Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Hey man.

    From what I gather you sound lonely from a lack of human interaction and meaningful relationships etc.

    Think about it.. if you satisfied these needs would you really care about all the justifications and reasons you listed for things having meaning? Probably not. I think you're just depressed because of the shit you mentioned that isn't right in your life.

    I'm going to be honest. You or at least most people need people and friends and a social life to get through life otherwise shit just seems down and boring and meaningless etc. just like you said. I dunno why you don't think you can't have those things either, think about how many people there are and fact is you're no different and although you might be shy or even ugly like you seem to think you are which you probably aren't fact is everyone can make friends and form meaningful relationships which then lead to to things like partners > dating > sex (procreation).

    trantramp on
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    MKRMKR Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    MKR wrote: »
    Reckless wrote: »
    MKR wrote: »
    Maybe you should go have a chat with your school counselor.

    Agreed. I study Human Rights up at school, and after watching video after video of horrible atrocities against humanity, I got pretty depressed as well which manifested itself in a closed-in kind of anger. I've been where you're at. You should talk to a professional, which should make you feel loads lighter.

    Yeah, that was sort of the direction I was leaning in. Too much exposure to the horrors of history can be unnerving. :)

    Really I am a history major too, what aspects of history make you feel this way?

    I'm not going to sit here and list off the wars and violent rulers of history to a history major. :|

    Also, horrors of history != "all things in history are horrible."

    MKR on
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    Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Well I just mean that I doubt any horrific aspects of history in themselves would make one that depressed rather I think its depression that allows someone to be enveloped and focused on some of the atrocities of the past. I'm beyond numb.

    Durandal Infinity on
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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Survival and procreation, are indeed, base level. You've got those down.

    The next phase is self-actualization. What were you born to do? What is your function? What is your body and mind made to do, ie what would they be most effective at? Does it want to run? Wrestle? Design?

    If you think about it, you are the product of thousands of years of selective breeding. Which traits are strongest? What were they built for? Over all, what were you designed to do?

    It is doubtful you were designed to spend your life indoors reading. It's good to be able to survive in the modern world, for sure, and yes, there is some pride to be taken in that. But that is an adaptation to recent changes, maybe the last two hundred years or so. You've got ten thousand years of stuff your genetic code succeeded at over time, hundreds of thousands, maybe more.

    The past of your body is far more prominent than its present. You've probably got some defining traits, figure out what it is your body and mind were good at doing, what you were bred for, and then go do it.

    I guarentee you, find that thing, do it, master it, and you will feel amazing. Alive. Living a life you were made for is a very pleasent thing, and pleasure is its own reward.

    Sarcastro on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Dude, you're not a robot -- you weren't built with a purpose or a role. You can make it up as you go, or set goals for your future. But you're the only one who can do that.

    More importantly, your life is yours -- it's, truly, the one thing that only you have. Sure, it may not be unique when viewed in the scope of 6 billion people, but you don't know or interact with 6 billion people. And your consciousness only works for yourself.

    It may sound hedonistic, but there's little wrong with simply doing things because you like them. Even if you're not good at them. I recently discovered I like riding and working on bicycles. I'm not doing it for a job, or to meet people, or because of some future goal. I do it because I like it. If stuff happens because of that invovlement, so be it, but that would only make me enjoy the new hobby more.

    It does sound like you're depressed, but it also sounds like you're fixating on something, either about your life or that's missing in your life. I can't say what that is, but I know that there've been times in my life where I feel like I'm "stuck" on something, and have to put a conscious effort towards getting past it.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
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    MayGodHaveMercyMayGodHaveMercy Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    TheDragon wrote: »
    My advice: Keep up with the exercise, maybe intensify it more. It's been shown to help depression and increase confidence.

    Like you wouldn't. fucking. believe. I've been running, and lifting, and eating healthier lately, and after losing 20 pounds, and just generally feeling healthier, things have been looking up in a big way. I've still got some weight to lose, and I still lack some of that self-confidence, but me now compared to me 5 months ago is night versus day.

    TheDragon speaks absolute truth.
    Only the Sith deal in absolutes.

    MayGodHaveMercy on
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    firewaterwordfirewaterword Satchitananda Pais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    How about volunteer work? It can certainly help put things in perspective.

    firewaterword on
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    Popped CollarPopped Collar __BANNED USERS regular
    edited July 2008
    Sounds like you need a near death experience.

    Popped Collar on
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    ErgandarErgandar Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    The point of life is to be the very best, like no one ever was, and enjoy the ride while it lasts.
    But don't take your life
    'cause it's all that you've got
    You'd be better off just off and leaving
    if you don't think they will stop

    And when you wake up
    everything is gonna be fine
    I guarantee that you wake in a better place
    in a better time
    So you're tired of living
    feel like you might give in
    well don't
    it's not your time :whistle:

    Speak to your school counselor, and attempt to meet the many varied and interesting people there are in this fine world of ours.

    Ergandar on
    RachelSig.jpg
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    CorvusCorvus . VancouverRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    As others have said, you're depressed, and sounding academically burnt out. I've been there, and in the same subject. I was pretty fed up with History at the end of my BA, and I'm glad I went into another subject when I went to grad school a few years after finishing the BA, but that History background has stood me in good stead and given me a wide background, and more skills then I thought it had at the time I'd finished it.

    Maybe you're thinking that your degree won't be good for anything? You'd be wrong there, though its a little more work to take the skills you've learned while studying history and make them marketable than it might be with say, an engineering degree. It can be done, but first you'll need to decide what kind of work you want to do, and what sort of career fields might interest you. Your school should have a job center type place that can help you figure this out.


    I'd really strongly urge you to seek some counselling help, that transition out of school can be really traumatic and baffling for some folks, and your school should have a counselling service available that may be able to help you. You're exhibiting many of the normal symptoms of depression based on your post, so you really do need to get some help with that, just like with any other illness.

    Don't put this off either. Call someone and do it soon.

    Corvus on
    :so_raven:
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    SlainbylichSlainbylich Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Sounds like you need a near death experience.

    Had something sort of like that last year when one of my parents died. But I guess you mean more focused on myself, which I've tried, sort of.
    The past of your body is far more prominent than its present. You've probably got some defining traits, figure out what it is your body and mind were good at doing, what you were bred for, and then go do it.

    Easier said than done. My initial response is: nothing.

    Slainbylich on
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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    One of your parents died, and now you're dealing with an existential crisis?

    That would be pretty normal, and actually quite healthy in its own way.

    Skip self-actualization, maybe just survive for a year or two while you deal.

    Sarcastro on
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    SlainbylichSlainbylich Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I don't see that happening, thanks anyway.

    Slainbylich on
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    Durandal InfinityDurandal Infinity Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Slain I think you need to take a pro-active stance in trying to feel better about yourself. Including going to see psychologists or councilors. You know how you feel about the world is only digging you deeper into a sociopathic hole. Get up and get out of it, but no one can hold your hand. You are an adult, take charge.

    Durandal Infinity on
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    Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Sarcastro is wise, heed his advice.

    I had almost the exact same attitude as you Mr Slainbylich, for a long time, too. (Over a decade...) I still feel it trying to creep into my conscious thought process sometimes.

    I got rid of it by finding out what I really love to do, more than anything else, and doing as much of that as is possible. What I love to do build things, and find out how they work. This means I pull apart and put back together almost everything I have ever owned, multiple times. Everything from toasters to cars. I have dozens of lego kits, r/c cars and other bits and pieces for inside the house. I've pulled whole cars apart and put them back together again.

    You need to find the thing which makes you most happy, and do as much of it is humanly possible. If it is cross-stitch, then do it. If it is white-water rafting, then do it. If it critiqueing classical works of literature, then for fucks sake, do it.

    The only way to get out of a rut like the one you're in is to pull yourself out of it, just as hard as you can.

    Donovan Puppyfucker on
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