yoko ono situation

Sam

a pretty close friend of mine has basically given his life up to his girlfriend. he moved into her place, and it's gotten to the point where he never comes out to meet up without her tagging along, or if he does he's always antsy about having to go meet her. sometimes we meet up for a grand total of 25 minutes, because his girl is basically calling the shots.

hes pretty adamant about keeping up this lifestyle

RUNN1NGMAN

You do not run his life. Repeat this until you realize that he can do whatever he wants to do. Apparently she's more fun to be with than you are.

Grid System

Conversely, maybe he is making a mistake. But if that's the case, it's still not your place to "rescue" him or whatever. Let him be.

Tach

Either that, or it's because you don't have a vagina.

Seriously, though. I kind of went through the same thing. When my GF moved in with me, I pretty much stopped seeing my friends, stopped hanging out except on the occasional special occasion- Superbowl, X-mas...

It wasn't until we got married, that one of my friends came out and said it, during a toast- "She must be a great girl, because we haven't seen you for years." I kind of took that to heart.

Just be honest with your friend, and make an effort to get to know his girlfriend- you may end up liking her.

Sam

the thing is it's not like he's never free. i just find it irresponsible that he subjects everyone's time and plans to his girlfriend's random whims. all his other friends basically avoid him now, but ive been friends with him since middle school and unlike Runningman I don't want to be an asshole, although the cumulative effect of the way he's changed is that it's getting to the point where he's not fun to hang out with, I mean he is still the same guy but what fun is it to go out knowing it's going to be cut short/cancelled by the same bullshit each time?

codetrap

Runningman is not being an asshole. He's telling you the simple truth. If your friend chooses to allow himself to become fully pussywhipped, then that's completely his choice. Unfortunately for you, you'll have to abide by it.

Trichome

Get a girl and hang out with your friend and his girl.

RUNN1NGMAN

If he's really your friend and she's really a controlling bitch, then just hang back and keep the lines of communication open, 'cause he'll need a buddy when she ditches him.

Sam

codetrap wrote: »

Runningman is not being an asshole. He's telling you the simple truth. If your friend chooses to allow himself to become fully pussywhipped, then that's completely his choice. Unfortunately for you, you'll have to abide by it.

you think i haven't realized that ever since this shit started? What I'm trying to get across here is that my options seem to be to either stop wasting my time, or keep getting jerked around. i feel like i'm being used as timekill company, which basically is what's going on, whether he realizes or not. i just wanted to see if there was a third option, im not asking how to run someone else's life.

codetrap

Sam wrote: »

you think i haven't realized that ever since this shit started? What I'm trying to get across here is that my options seem to be to either stop wasting my time, or keep getting jerked around. i feel like i'm being used as timekill company, which basically is what's going on, whether he realizes or not. i just wanted to see if there was a third option, im not asking how to run someone else's life.

The third option is to talk to him about it, and let him know how you're feeling. I'd recommend that you do it without an ultimatum's (her or me) as it's quite likely he'll choose with his little head. Otherwise, it sounds like you've already made your decision, and you're just not happy about it. Which of course you have every right to be.

KupotheAvenger

RUNN1NGMAN wrote: »

If he's really your friend and she's really a controlling bitch, then just hang back and keep the lines of communication open, 'cause he'll need a buddy when she ditches him.

What he said. This actually happened with me when my gf moved in. Thankfully she wasn't a controlling bitch and so i got my friends back, but the ones that stayed were the ones that I called. So just hang back and weather the storm. Just sitting and watching isn't really wasting time, its more of a cautionary tale.

matisyahu

you're just going to have to get used to spending less time with him, that's the only state your friendship is going to exist in

noir_blood

Dude, this happens to everyone. Relax and like others have said, just weather the storm.

Kenninator

I guess having friends that are as socially impaired as I am can be a blessing in disguise at times.

I'd still recommend mentioning the fact you miss hanging out with him. Don't be mean about it or anything, make it seem heartfelt. I'm sure he doesn't realise he's stopped hanging out with his friends... what with all the sex and everything.

Sarcastro

This problem continues on forever as your friends get super involved and possibly even married. I find, and I'm sure you're being as understanding as you can be, that I am faced with the same situation over and over:

I could be getting laid right now.

No seriously, like right now. I could drive to wherever, and we would have some hot dooin it for a good half/full hour. If I'm already with her, I don't even have to drive. This is a standing arrangement. Anytime, anywhere.

I say this, not to rub anything in anyones face, though that could be a fun Thursday night and Call Me (TM), but to simply state the basic decision I have to make when anybody else asks me to do anything. Yes, I could go do that thing. Or, I could get laid. Twice. It will be hot because it's always hot; we are both very good at what we do, especially when it's each other.

This is the unspoken alternative to any possible activity you might suggest.

Would you like to go for a beer? (or go get laid?)
Would you like to go see a movie that may or may not suck? (or go get laid?)
Would you like to meet up for coffee? (etc.)

Now obviously, I make exceptions, because otherwise I would be homeless and chronically dehydrated, and I do try to see my friends about once a week. But there had better be something planned, it needs to run from a time to another specific time, because beleive me, I always have shit to do now that I am spending vast quantities of my time elsewhere.

Also, the once a week, same time same channel lets my GF know where I am, and creates an ongoing expectation that that is where I will be, and that is what I will be doing. She may take advantage of this to make her own plans- but flexibility is a plus here, because my GF is also my best friend, and it would be cool if she could hang with us.

Guy time is important, for sure, and at a certain point, it will be important enough to swing the ball in your favor. Make the most of it, and get some quality time in. And remember, just because buddy doesn't hang as often as he used to, doesn't mean he values your friendship any less- he's just got an alternative option that's pretty hard to beat.

Kenninator

Sarcastro wrote: »

This problem continues on forever as your friends get super involved and possibly even married. I find, and I'm sure you're being as understanding as you can be, that I am faced with the same situation over and over:

I could be getting laid right now.

No seriously, like right now. I could drive to wherever, and we would have some hot dooin it for a good half/full hour. If I'm already with her, I don't even have to drive. This is a standing arrangement. Anytime, anywhere.

I say this, not to rub anything in anyones face, though that could be a fun Thursday night and Call Me (TM), but to simply state the basic decision I have to make when anybody else asks me to do anything. Yes, I could go do that thing. Or, I could get laid. Twice. It will be hot because it's always hot; we are both very good at what we do, especially when it's each other.

This is the unspoken alternative to any possible activity you might suggest.

Would you like to go for a beer? (or go get laid?)
Would you like to go see a movie that may or may not suck? (or go get laid?)
Would you like to meet up for coffee? (etc.)

Now obviously, I make exceptions, because otherwise I would be homeless and chronically dehydrated, and I do try to see my friends about once a week. But there had better be something planned, it needs to run from a time to another specific time, because beleive me, I always have shit to do now that I am spending vast quantities of my time elsewhere.

Also, the once a week, same time same channel lets my GF know where I am, and creates an ongoing expectation that that is where I will be, and that is what I will be doing. She may take advantage of this to make her own plans- but flexibility is a plus here, because my GF is also my best friend, and it would be cool if she could hang with us.

Guy time is important, for sure, and at a certain point, it will be important enough to swing the ball in your favor. Make the most of it, and get some quality time in. And remember, just because buddy doesn't hang as often as he used to, doesn't mean he values your friendship any less- he's just got an alternative option that's pretty hard to beat.

You should write greeting cards.

i n c u b u s

Sarcastro wrote: »

This problem continues on forever as your friends get super involved and possibly even married. I find, and I'm sure you're being as understanding as you can be, that I am faced with the same situation over and over:

I could be getting laid right now.

No seriously, like right now. I could drive to wherever, and we would have some hot dooin it for a good half/full hour. If I'm already with her, I don't even have to drive. This is a standing arrangement. Anytime, anywhere.

I say this, not to rub anything in anyones face, though that could be a fun Thursday night and Call Me (TM), but to simply state the basic decision I have to make when anybody else asks me to do anything. Yes, I could go do that thing. Or, I could get laid. Twice. It will be hot because it's always hot; we are both very good at what we do, especially when it's each other.

This is the unspoken alternative to any possible activity you might suggest.

Would you like to go for a beer? (or go get laid?)
Would you like to go see a movie that may or may not suck? (or go get laid?)
Would you like to meet up for coffee? (etc.)

Now obviously, I make exceptions, because otherwise I would be homeless and chronically dehydrated, and I do try to see my friends about once a week. But there had better be something planned, it needs to run from a time to another specific time, because beleive me, I always have shit to do now that I am spending vast quantities of my time elsewhere.

Also, the once a week, same time same channel lets my GF know where I am, and creates an ongoing expectation that that is where I will be, and that is what I will be doing. She may take advantage of this to make her own plans- but flexibility is a plus here, because my GF is also my best friend, and it would be cool if she could hang with us.

Guy time is important, for sure, and at a certain point, it will be important enough to swing the ball in your favor. Make the most of it, and get some quality time in. And remember, just because buddy doesn't hang as often as he used to, doesn't mean he values your friendship any less- he's just got an alternative option that's pretty hard to beat.

Wow not only is that pretty much the best response ever but its exactly what I would say. (Side note: I laughed pretty damn hard when I read this reguardless of how brutally true it is..)

Fellhand

It's called getting older and settling in. People tend to do this. If you're a friend then you'll let him do what he wants to do and be there for him if it goes to shit insted of carrying a grudge.

Houk

Sarcastro, sometimes I read your H/A posts and think maybe you're overthinking things or going a little off the deep end.

This time, however, you are my hero. My Captain America, if you will.

I just recently entered into a sexy relationship with far and away the hottest girl I have ever been with, and you would have to make one hell of an offer to pull me away from my sexy times.

Deathwing

hes pretty adamant about keeping up this lifestyle

Assuming for the moment that the girlfriend in question is not a control freak....As Sarcastro has eloquently stated, there is probably a very good reason why he feels this way - what does "meet up" imply? I hate to be blunt, but maybe whatever you're offering to do is just boring, at least to him.

Personally, I feel much the same way whenever I get invited to go out with co-workers, or stuff like company picnics and such....Sure, I could have fun if I really wanted to (and I had no alternative), but does it compare to relaxing and spending time with my wife? Most of the time, not a chance.

Again, Sarcastro has given you pretty much the best advice you're going to get about the situation.

Feral

Just talk to him about it. Maybe he's off with his girlfriend because she's a sublime goddess giving him 16 hours a day of sheer romantic bliss, or maybe she's a melodramatic controlling bitch who bites his nuts off every time he tries to have a life of his own.

There's really no way to tell from the thread.

So just call him up and talk to him about it. Politely, respectfully, tell him that you feel like you're getting dicked around. If he continues the behavior, then learn not to place any expectations on him and just assume he's going to flake on you any time you make plans with him. He'll either break up with her and come back to you and say, "Sorry man I let her control my life," or they'll get married and he'll spend the rest of his days in sublime marital bliss and/or melodramatic nut-biting.

Gonmun

Sarcastro wrote: »

This problem continues on forever as your friends get super involved and possibly even married. I find, and I'm sure you're being as understanding as you can be, that I am faced with the same situation over and over:

I could be getting laid right now.

No seriously, like right now. I could drive to wherever, and we would have some hot dooin it for a good half/full hour. If I'm already with her, I don't even have to drive. This is a standing arrangement. Anytime, anywhere.

I say this, not to rub anything in anyones face, though that could be a fun Thursday night and Call Me (TM), but to simply state the basic decision I have to make when anybody else asks me to do anything. Yes, I could go do that thing. Or, I could get laid. Twice. It will be hot because it's always hot; we are both very good at what we do, especially when it's each other.

This is the unspoken alternative to any possible activity you might suggest.

Would you like to go for a beer? (or go get laid?)
Would you like to go see a movie that may or may not suck? (or go get laid?)
Would you like to meet up for coffee? (etc.)

Now obviously, I make exceptions, because otherwise I would be homeless and chronically dehydrated, and I do try to see my friends about once a week. But there had better be something planned, it needs to run from a time to another specific time, because beleive me, I always have shit to do now that I am spending vast quantities of my time elsewhere.

Also, the once a week, same time same channel lets my GF know where I am, and creates an ongoing expectation that that is where I will be, and that is what I will be doing. She may take advantage of this to make her own plans- but flexibility is a plus here, because my GF is also my best friend, and it would be cool if she could hang with us.

Guy time is important, for sure, and at a certain point, it will be important enough to swing the ball in your favor. Make the most of it, and get some quality time in. And remember, just because buddy doesn't hang as often as he used to, doesn't mean he values your friendship any less- he's just got an alternative option that's pretty hard to beat.

Damn, I'm going to have to quote something out of that for my sig, but there's so much good stuff I don't know what to quote.

Kyougu

I been in a similar situation myself, and here's the best advice I was ever given:

If you feel you're putting too much effort into a friendship, just stop. Stop trying to reach out to him, stop inviting him out all the time. Either he will reach out back to you, or the friendship will end naturally. Either way, least you will be stressing out less about it.

digital.aaron

Kyougu wrote: »

I been in a similar situation myself, and here's the best advice I was ever given:

If you feel you're putting too much effort into a friendship, just stop. Stop trying to reach out to him, stop inviting him out all the time. Either he will reach out back to you, or the friendship will end naturally. Either way, least you will be stressing out less about it.

Good advice here. Friendships come and go. I'm sure you have other friends, so it's not like losing this one would mean you would be totally friendless (if so, then you have your own codependency issues to work out). You can't control his life. You should accept this and go do your own thing.

Some people are much more comfortable being with their significant other and not being very social with other people. I myself am like this. Basically Sarcastro summed up my feelings about this.

MagicToaster

Everyone goes through this. Just relax, it works itself out.

TrueHereticX

Going through this right now

Backstory: I have 3 really good male mates (myself being male aswell) and we used to LAN almost every weekend. He gets a girlfriend who we think is cool when we first meet her. Then she comes LAN and yells at him for hanging out with us and not her. She leaves, and we go to all you can eat pizza. She calls him and continues to abuse him because he's hung out with us instead of her. At this point though, we haven't seen him in two months (the total time they've been going out)

Fast forward to now, we never see him, and he lives 5 seconds away from me.

I'm not bothered by it much, It is his life and he will have to live with it if he loses his friends, but the dude's still my bud.

Demerdar

Sometimes men get pussy whipped hard. It's a fact of life. Forget it and move on. When he's ready to hang he'll call you. Hopefully you aren't available because you are hanging out with other friends.

Houk

I too had a friend who was totally whipped. Like we were all chilling in the theater after a movie, and we asked them if they wanted to come hang out for a while. He started to answer and the gf is like 'nah, he's got things to take care of at home'.

He gave us a chagrined smile and off they went. He was in her grip for about a year and basically never hung out with us. We let him do his thing, and eventually they broke up. He got back in touch and apologized for being a shitheel, and now we're tight as ever.

So yeah, not much you can do other than ride it out.

Cryogen

Sarcastro wrote: »

The post legends are made of

Normally, Sarcastro, i find your advice is pretty opposite to my own, and i struggle to see where you're coming from. But i'll be damned if that wasnt one of the best posts i've read in a long time! Well done, sir, well done.

desperaterobots

My problem is that I often pre-empt the new-partner-sex-is-better-than-hanging-out-with-you distance by not relying on those friends when I know they're newly partnered. It's a matter of, "Oh they're dating now? Well, why bother asking if they want to hang." I figure if their new relationship doesn't work they'll give me a call. I recently had a perfect storm where literally all my friends found new partners, so this method led to some lonely times. But now I'm back hanging out with people and it's okay again.

New relationships need space, and I don't want my friends making up excuses as to why they can't attend x y z. Just leave them be.